MEXICO: A Rant
It must have been the heat, but during my trip to Mexico over the summer I began to take a rather pessimistic view on the whole thing and feverishly wrote my musings down on a few scraps of hotel paper. Here now, in it's entirety, is the rant.
So you land in Mexico and the first thing you notice is that the heat is like a punch in the face and you get tired of people saying "it's the humidity" and the next thing you notice is the smell of rotting plants in the perpetual sun wich is not at all pleasant and then you go to the rent-a-car place but the person doesn't speak english or even spanish, which you just spent $2000 to learn, so you catch a cab and get the living daylights scared out of you because all the streets are deathly narrow and have cars parked on both sides and since there is road construction you have to get out and walk five miles discovering that the construction was to dig up sewage lines so you have that smell on top of the rotting plants, and when you finally make it to you hotel, choosing one that has a more "traditional" feel instead of staying at the Holiday Inn which would be more convenient, you discover that "traditional" means that there is no elevator, so you have to drag your five 75 lb. suitcases up twelve flights of stairs and spend half an hour getting the key to fit in the hole and another half an hour getting the door unstuck and discover that traditional also means that there is no running water or televison, and the electricity is dangerous at best and the only means of air conditioning is a fan that if set on a speed higher that 2 will fly off the ceiling and kill everything in its path so you tend to stay out of the room with its flourescent lighing as much as possible by going to the vastly overated beach where it's standing room only and you could swear that this isn't real sand and the ocean seems a bit more salty than necesarry and you discover that you left all your sunblock in the hotel and not wishing to hike back you risk it and end up quite red on the first day wich makes lying/standing on the beach painful at best and absolutely prohibits showering which totally ruins your social life for the rest of the trip which is OK because all the locals want from you is money wich is readily apparent from the constant stream of bech vendors who wouldn't go away if you paid or even kicked them, so you buy their stuff and they leave you alone until tomorrow which you don't even want to think about and so you go back to your hotel to get ready for dinner and when you walk in it is obvious that it is much warmer inside than outside and you are ruining a perfectly good shirt with all this sweating so you change and begin to ruin another and you rush down to the 9:00 buffet which is just crawling with flies and you wouldn't want to eat the food anyway so you pick some fruit that has probably been sitting our for days and gulp it down quickly while refusing constant offers for more deadly water and finally returning to your room for what you hope will be relaxing but turns out to be a nightmare because all the locals are outside screaming at the top of their lungs while a band blares loud music and this goes on all night and if you hear "Las chicas de Chiuahua!!!" one more time you are going to jump out the window and strangle the band leader and you are just swealtering in your bed so you lie awake in your "traditional" bed, wich means that the sheets have never been changed, ever, so you get 3 hours of sleep on the couch and suddenly realise that you bought a boat tour from the beach vendor yesterday so you rush downstairs and grab food from the Breakfast Buffet and despite the fact that the flask is clearly labeled "Jugo de Muerte" you pour it all over your pancakes and immediately feel ill but it doesn't matter now, you have a party boat to catch which just left 2 minutes ago so you swim after in and finally you are hauled aboard and you realise that it is full of teenagers with their shirts off and there is more loud music coming from all directions so you just sit in the very back and close your eyes until it is time to unload everybody onto some godawful village in the middle of nowhere and everybody rushes to the restaurant for luch and you realise that you left all your pesos in the hotel so you frantically search for the "Casa de Cambio" which gives you a ghastly rate of 3 pesos to the dollar and when you finally get back to the restaurant the boat has left again so you swim out to catch it again and everybody starts to dance except you who sits all alone at the back with the effects of the "Jugo de Muerte" going full blast which is bad because there are no washrooms on the boat so you wait until you get to the next beach so you can go off into the bushes and purge your poor stomache, but you happen to arrive at the one beach in all of Mexico that has no vegitation to speak of, so you decide to do some snorkeling to take your mind off it and when you get out there you can't see anything and are suddenly swept up by a wave and thrown into the rocks so you drag yourself out of the water and bleed all over the sand and again you have to swim after the boat which you pray will take you home now and actually does which is really weird because nothing else has worked our yet except this which puts you in a good mood until your remember that you are sick and so you decide to cut things short and go home, which is the best descision you could possibly make.