My European Vacation
The United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland
First of all, London is really great. It is still the best city in all of Europe, though
it looks more like America every day with its drafty Starbucks and unbearably antiseptic
McDonaldses. While I was there, it was the Queen�s Golden Jubilee, when the English
people celebrate how lovely it is that the Queen isn�t dead yet, and speculate on how
much longer she has before we can have a new one. England is a lot like America, only
SMALLER! The first thing of major importance I visited was Trafalgar Square, which
was named for a bloody great battle fought a fantastically long time ago. Trafalgar
Square is filled with two things: pigeons and pickpockets, which means tourists come to
the Square to get shit on and have their wallets stolen. Not far from Trafalgar is Picadilly
Circus, named for its total lack of anything circusy, other than the circus-like folk that
hang around there. In Picadilly, you can shop and be bombarded by advertising and street
performers. Very special, I know. That night I took a walk through Hyde Park, which is
famous for being very green. The next morning we saw the first of many Cathedrals.
This one happened to be named St. Paul�s Cathedral, but I honestly don�t remember much
about it other than the fact that is had a Coffee Bar in the crypt. After you have seen 20
or so churches in the space of ten days, they all begin to run together in the mind.
London, by the way, was founded by the Romans. Everyone who talks about London is
required by law to mention that. In the afternoon, I was compelled to go to Knightsbridge
and visit Harrod�s. Harrod�s is a giant black hole that sucks people and souls into it. ��80
for a T-shirt that says �Harrod�s of London� on it? Well, I guess I�d better buy it, I mean,
I am in Harrod�s�. The following day I walked 15,000 miles to one of my favorite places
on Earth, The British Museum. I refuse to say anything bad about the British Museum, so
I will say some mean things about English people in general. English people will always
be very prudish, except for the ones that try to overcompensate by being very punkish,
only succeeding in looking very foolish and even more clich�. English people invented
cricket, a game best know for being impossibly silly yet sophisticated. England never got
the memo: pinstripe suits - not a good idea. Many of the cops who don�t get to wear
those nifty hats wear bright yellow suits so people can spot them in a crowd and get away
faster. English hotels are almost like Japanese hotels, but with far less sushi. Oh, and if
you wear a stupid hat people know you are a tourist. �Hey, that�s a nice fountain! Now,
at which angle can we get the least amount of genitalia in the picture?�
La Republique du France
France is an OK country with only one major flaw: it�s full of French people. I
mean, the actual dirt and buildings and trees and a few of the birds are rather nice, it�s just
the entire populace that I can�t stand. I�m sure there are portions of it that have rather
nice people in them, but definitely not in Paris. Paris was not founded by the Romans.
Strike One! Speaking English is the fastest and easiest way to make a French person,
whom you have never met, immediately hate you with their entire soul. I don�t know
why they bothered with the Revolution, not much has changed. France is still full of
people who think they are better than everyone else, only they�re not called the
aristocracy anymore. They�re called French. France does not have a monarch (thanks
again, French Revolution!), and they seem to think that makes them even more important.
I didn�t actually see any evidence of this, but it bet it is true anyway. Fine, now we can
move on to the famous landmarks of Paris. First, the Eiffel Tower. Hmmm...big metal
thing in the shape of an I don�t know what. Super. Next we have the Arch of Triumph,
dedicated to when Napoleon killed lots and lots of people. Most historians agree that
Napoleon was pretty much pure evil, but France still loves him all the same. There are
statues of him bloody everywhere. Well, that�s it for the landmarks. The only real thing
Paris has going for it is the Louvre, which is really fantastic and has the Mona Lisa
(which is much smaller than you think) and the Venus de Milo (who has plumber�s crack
when viewed from behind). Overall, Paris is a complicated yet shallow city of many
colours and automobiles, like the Pugeot (pronounced Pew-Gee-Ot). I did go to
Versailles, which has a garden. A big one. I was impressed, can�t you tell? Ah yes, and
we stayed in a converted brothel with red carpeting on the wall.
Espa�a
I don�t have a whole lot to say about Spain, mostly because you can�t be
humourous about a place that is actually rather nice. The Spanish aren�t rude! HA HA!
Still, I�ll find a way, I know I will. Anyway, why don�t I use this opportunity to make
more fun of Paris? Madrid has trees and fountains everywhere. Paris has lots and lots of
concrete. Madrid has a huge monument to Cervantes, perhaps the greatest European
writer of all time. Paris has a little gold stature of Joan of Arc, who is dead. The
architecture of Spain is diverse and cute. Every building in Paris looks exactly the same.
However, a school bus full of little Spanish kids did fling a rather rude gesture our way.
There aren�t a lot of sights to see in Madrid, mostly you go around looking at shops but
not actually buying anything. �Oh, that shirt is so neat! But I can�t wear it without
looking really Spanishy�. I did buy some Chinese bric-a-brac from a little old Spanish
woman on the street. Speaking of Chinese culture, you have no idea how strange it is to
hear a Chinese person speak Spanish. Not that they don�t speak it well, it just seems out
of place. I walk into the camera shop and the little Chinese girl said �Que quieres?�. I
was stunned into a silence that I hope was not more than 3 minutes long. I resisted the
urge to speak English to restore some sense of normality, and had a pleasant chat in
Spanish with her. We were by no means confined to the really super city of Madrid, oh
no. We also took a little side trip to Toledo. Toledo has a cathedral. It is very fancy. It
has candles and everything! Toledo is also world famous for making swords. Yeah, I
wasn�t aware either. But there they were, like some medieval tourist trap. I almost
bought one, I really did. I settled on a sword-shaped letter opener instead. I don�t know,
they must put something in the air. My little jaunt through Spanish Land was marred by
one nasty little incident. In honour of people not wanting to work, a national strike was
organised on June 20th. June 20th also happened to be the day I was to fly out of Madrid
to Brussels. What a fantastic coincidence! Or not! The universe seems to do this sort of
thing an awful lot to me.
Belgi� (Belgique)
Belgium is full of the nicest most mellow people on earth. Most of it, anyway.
Belgium is divided into two parts: the Northern bit that speaks Flemish (a Dutch dialect),
and the Southern bit that speaks French. Each half hates the other half, and they all hate
the Germans. The French Belgians refuse to speak Flemish and look down their noses at
the Dutch Belgians, in true French tradition. I stayed in a small village called
Inglemunster, which is in the Flemish bit. �Village� is a technical term, because every
village, town and city in Belgium runs together to make one very massive metropolitan
area. Or it would if there weren�t so many bloody cows. The city of Brugge (pronounced
either Broooje or Brug-uh, depending on where you are from) is famous for looking very
old and having water everywhere. �The Venice of the North!� proclaimed the
over-excited and probably over-paid tour guide. I bet that really irritates the Venicians.
Brugge is also famous for it�s lace, which is just like lace you buy at the local
Craft-Shoppe, only it�s from Brugge. Chocolate plays a major part in Belgium�s
economy. Without chocolate, Belgium would be tragically unexciting, just like Denmark.
In fact, un-excitment is one of the major reasons people go to Belgium. If you want kilts,
you go to Scotland. If you want bleak, bitter cold, Russia. If you want deviant sex you go
to Japan. If you want deviant sex and extreme rudeness, France. If you want nothing
exciting at all, and maybe some pretty good seafood, you go to Belgium. By far, my
favorite part of Belgium is the coast. Belgian beaches are much nicer than the ones in
France, because Belgian beaches actually have sand, rather than the jagged,
skin-lacerating rocks favoured by the French. One small drawback is the fact that Belgian
beach-water is, in fact, a sickening shade of grey. This is fine as long as you don�t go
swimming or look at the water. Given a nice sunny day (good luck, Belgium has about
10 sunny days a year. The rest of them are generally dreary and wet) you can enjoy the
beach.
The Netherlands
Everything you have heard about Amsterdam is true. And they also sell marijuana
on the streets! However, I won�t dwell on this, because that is the sort of person I am. A
good, decent person. Amsterdam is somewhat of a colossal joke in Europe. �You are
going to Amsterdam? Why, for the Coffee shops? HahahahaHA!� I would much rather
talk about the interesting architecture of the city. You see, Amsterdamians built the city
like is was going to be torn down the next day. Most of the buildings are at an angle, in
addition to being about seven or eight feet wide. As well as poor civic planning,
Amsterdam is famous for its special district where you can window shop for prostitutes.
Now, if this seems to suggest that Amsterdam is, say, a terrible place, than so be it. I
simply report what I see. And I see an entire city destined for a fiery doom.
Thus ends the Holy Document