Why Coffee Isn't My Cup of Tea
Hypothetical Situation. You are preparing a delicious meal of Spanish Pilaf and Gourmet Tacos, when suddenly you smell something burning. Now, before you yell at me that you are a perfect chef, recall that this is a hypothetical situation. You run to the stove, only to discover that the Spanish Pilaf is smoldering. Quickly yanking it off, you notice it now has a peculiar aroma. Why, it smells just like...coffee!
Disregarding the fact that there are not such things as Gourmet Tacos, I find it odd that burning rice that speaks spanish should smell like coffee. Don't believe me? Go on and burn a batch of your own. I DARE YOU! Anyway, I entered this into my growing list of why I prefer tea over coffee. Here is that entry: "Good Lord, burning rice smells like coffee!". I doubt that it is just rice too. Perhaps things like potatoes and asparagus also carry this trait. It could be part of the genetic code!
I have heard terrible tales of Coca-Cola melting various substances and then evolving into intelligent versions of Burt Reynolds. Cola, however, can't hold a candle to the destructive power of coffee. A nice lady, whose name is with-held for legal purposes, can attest to that. Coffee has destroyed somewhere between 3-15 computer keyboards of hers.
Regardless of what you have been told, coffee cannot grant you super-human powers. That is, of course, if you don't join the Fire Breathing Monks of Nepal, where I understand coffee is a large part of the fire-producing diet. That and denture cream. It will, however, grant you the astounding ability to gain indigestion. Especially after 10 cups or so.
I will admit there are a few things worse than coffee, but most of them end in death.
Have you ever been kicked in the shins? Now imagine being kicked in the shins while drinking coffee during a lecture on Scientology. Doesn't Sound too appealing, does it? I'll tell you why. It's because of the coffee.
Let me tell you something: decaffinated tea is far less evil than decaffinated coffee. I'm not saying decaffinated tea isn't evil, just not as evil as decaffinated coffee.
Coffee is far more likely to smash you in the temple with a metal spoon than tea. Yes, that's right. It shall rise up and say "I am the Great Coffee Demon, and you shall die, for so sayeth the Great Coffee Demon!" and promptly smash you in the temple with a metal spoon.
It is a fact that coffee is terrible on the dance floor. So the next time coffee tries to smash you in the temple while screaming rude words at your mother, just get it on the dance floor where you can easily defeat it by shaking your funky stuff like there's no tomorrow. And there won't be if you don't beat that Coffee Demon! Then you will gain 400 Experience Points and move on to Level 3.
Hitler drank coffee. Don't question my source, I just know it. Hitler drank coffee.
There is not a single game of wit and intrigue that can be played using coffee. No, not even a Scrabble related game. Not Super Scrabble nor Scrabble Deluxe nor Super Scrabble Deluxe Executive Edition.
Blindfold yourself. Just do it! Now yell at the top of your lungs "I HATE COFFEE!!!!". I bet the only people who will hate you now are avid coffee drinkers, but you won't care 'cause your blindfolded!
Coffee is not mysterious or enigmatic. If coffee were a man, he would not be a detective or a magician. No, coffee would be a systems analyst or investment banker or something boring and un-mysterious like that.
I don't like beans. Coffee comes from beans. Why don't I like beans you ask? Because my poodle was run over by a bean truck. It was not a pleasant sight, but the innards did make an interesting pattern on the pavement. Sort of like the Fallen Madonna with the Big Boobies by Van Klomp, only without the Big Boobies and all in red.