Play Script
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566 And All That
Ye Sæquel to Feminist Cinderella
Scene 1
Historian: I have the honour to inform you that during the 3rd form field trip to Bradgate Park, we found a find of great historical importance. We uncovered 200 volumes of the Celtic Chronicle, the paper later underwent a, er, "hostile takeover bid" to become the Anglo-Saxon Chronicle. These fascinating documents give an incredible insight into the world of King Arthur Uther [makes "U" sign with fingers] Bush, and some lesser known characters of the time such as William Ye Almost-Conqueror, Jo Dark, the mysterious Marlin, Whinny Vere, and Lance Alot. Using these manuscripts we have managed to reconstruct a picture of the intrigue and drama of the time
Scene 2
[Exit Historian. Enter Arthur, Marlin, Lance Alot and Whinny Vere who is carrying a piece of paper "Budget" which she hands to Arthur. They all sit down at the round table.]
Whinny Vere: What do you think [of the budget]?
Arthur: It's clearly a budget. Its got a lot of numbers in it.
Whinny Vere: Well what do you say, dearSire. We've got to cut back spending, we need to pay the Danegeld and spend more on Health care. And we can't fund all these projects. What about the Quest for the Holy Quail, why don't you just postpone it for say-
Arthur: Don't speak madness woman! The cry of a Holy Quail will drive fear into the heart of the blondest of the blond Danes, so soon as we catch it.
Whinny Vere: OK then what about the campaign for swords in schools.
Arthur: That campaign saves lives, if there are more swords in schools then there will be less fighting, because people can defend themselves. And what if the French come and no-one is armed, eh? I need hardly remind you more and more of our invasions are coming from abroad.
Lance Alot: Can't trust foreigners. No code these Frenchies, but don't worry Sir we'll hold 'em off "Lance Alot by name Lance Alot by nature" [he winks at Whinny Vere]
Whinny Vere: The French are weak. We need to pay the Danegeld.
Arthur: I think we must agree the past is over. The Danes are a crumbling body of men. [To Marlin] Reveal the "Idea".
Marlin: Very well your eminent brilliance It is only a matter of time before the French develop a Ballistic SuperCatapult, which they would use to propel their infected beef into our herds of pure cattle. To save the land of this, wondrous Monarch, I have been developing a counter measure[Unveils board] I give you the Anti-Ballistic SuperCatapult Catapult.
Lance Alot: [Earnestly] I like the square wheels the enemy won't be expecting that!
Whinny Vere: I'm not so sure
Marlin: I assure you, madam, French Beef is dangerous.
Arthur: He's right, you can't have it both ways, you can't take the "healthy" high horse and then claim the smelly low road of French Beef invading and attacking our privates in our armies. Stupid woman.
[Exit All.]
Scene 3
[Enter William. He sits on a throne.]
William: Zis is so embarrassing. My catapult iz broken . 'Ow am I to now fight ze English. Zey make me look so foolish! Zey make fun of my voice, and say my cheese is too smelly and my beef infected!
[Jo Dark knocks offstage.]
William: Come in!
Enter Jo Dark.
Jo Dark: They say that your are a wise and just, and so I have come to ask your help. You see I hear these voices [She trails off]
William: Oui, oui
Jo Dark: They say: "End the male tyranny on the planet." "Emancipation! Emancipation!" "Women of the world unite and rise up against the evil, justice hating men!" "Men are no more than brutish slime stuck to the wheel of a dung carrying-"
William: I begin to get ze picture. [Aside] She could be very useful, I hear zere is nuzzin ze English 'andle worse zan ze irate woman. It would demoralise zem no end[To Jo Dark] Per'aps you would care to accompany me to England where you can liberate some women, eh?
Jo Dark: I will go wherever my quest takes me.
William: Whatever. To England!
[Exit All stage left.]
Scene 4
[Enter Tourguide, stage right, and then William and Jo Dark from stage left]
William: I search 'asting for ze fight.
Jo Dark: "Fighting is all men can think of, it is all a great stunt, an excuse not to do the washing up."
William: Silence!
Tourguide: Sorry mate, there's nothing on at Hastings for another 500 years, business is down you see.
William: Zut alors!
Tourguide: You could always try round King Arthur's.
William: Arthur? Where is his seat?
Tourguide: [baffled] Dunno' - but he's got a castle in Cornwall.
William: To Cornouille!
[Exit All]
Scene 4
[Enter Whinny Vere who sits forlornly on a sofa]
Whinny Vere: I have married a fool. But he is powerful. I could change the world if only I was respected, if only Arthur would listen to me. He spends all his spare time reading sighting reports of the Holy Quail. If only I could somehow control him, this land would prosper but he's surrounded by cronies, Marlin the Mindless and the oh-so sleazy Lance Alot.
Scene 5
[Enter Lance Alot.]
Lance Alot: I am here fair maiden, you called. You know I'm not surprised you called [he smoothes his hair] I daresay I get it a lot actually, you obviously have excellent taste. [he is now leaning on the sofa next to Whinny Vere]
[Enter William bursting in sword in hand and Jo Dark who hangs back]
William: [Observing situation] I am sorry to have invadedyour privacy. You see I seek a conquest.
Lance Alot: Well she's mine.
Enter Arthur.
Arthur: [Booming] What was that Lance Alot?!
William: Arthur!
Arthur: Ye sounds! William! You have come to fight me?
William: Oui, Oui,
Arthur: Oh right. It's down there 3rd on the left.
William: No, no I come to battle you.
Arthur: OK - Lance Alot to arms, I will deal with you later as I see fit to do, after this battle. [He picks up his sword]
[Arthur and William move closer as if to fight]
William: Before we battle there is somezing you should 'ear: Jo Dark.
All except Jo Dark Freeze.
Voices: [Faded in through speakers]"War is the male tool of injustice" "It is a chauvinist game" "Emancipation! Emancipation!" [Voices fade out]
Jo Dark: [Moves in] You male braggart, you sexist pig, you brainless, boring, bag of air. [Whinny Vere is beginning to side with her] If only the small group of brain cells that presumably reside within your over inflated skull were half as many as the jewels in your ridiculous crown.
Arthur: Shut up woman!
Whinny Vere: Don't talk to the lady like that!
Arthur: [Snapping at her] Don't embarrass me in front of my enemies.
Whinny Vere: One more word and I won't polish your armour, let alone cook dinner.
Arthur: [Whining] That's not fair, I do all this fighting and you don't even cook me dinner. [She looks sternly. He has been defeated]
[William is laughing Jo Dark turns to him]
Jo Dark: I'm not finished, you're just as bad with your endless conniving and worries of self image, your stupid little
William: Enuff
Jo Dark: "Enuff" what kind of an accent is that, no-one that speaks like that. Now listen to me-
[William has backed towards Arthur he is now confronted by the two women]
Whinny Vere: -and me.
Jo Dark: Your to stop this macho fighting idiocy- [Jo Dark is gesturing with her finger as if scolding. Whinny Vere is nodding in consent. William and Arthur are spellbound.]
Whinny Vere: You're to give peasants a fair deal by freeing their-
[From offstage comes the sound of a Holy Quail the spell is broken. William and Arthur stare at each other dumbfounded]
William: Mon dieu!
Arthur: The Holy Quail!
[William and Arthur exit gleefully in pursuit. Jo Dark and Whinny Vere look at each other, shrug shoulders and exit]
Scene 6
Historian: Well there it is 566, possibly the first Battle of the Sexes, possibly not, maybe just a little bit of history repeating. [Proppelerheads remix of the Shirley Bassey classic begins to fade in] So if we've learnt anything about History today, and we almost have, it's likely that it will be historical. Thank you.
[Curtain Call]
Plot: M.Burton and J.C.R. Robinson. Script: J.C.R. Robinson, with some help from G. "Dubya" Bush, and Virginia Woolfe. Remember "Keep good relations with the Grecians."
First performed on Wednesday 7th February 2001, for "Vice Chancellors House Evening". Last [ever (due to the will of the cast)] performance Friday 9th Feb. 2001.
Original Cast:
| Historian | Mr Gray |
| Whinny Vere | Nathalie Rose |
| King Arthur | Michael Burton |
| Lane Alot | Richard Jones |
| Marlin | Joe Ward |
| King William | James Robinson |
| Jo Dark | Lucy Dale |
| Tourguide | Chris Payne |
| Voices | Caroline Payne |
If you want to perform this and would like suggestions from the author e-mail me at [email protected]
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