If you want some more professional jokes... go to
http://www.dave-edwards.com
1. Why did hitler kill himself?
He finally got his gas bill
2. Newsflash-Ulrika was found pleasuring herself in layby with her mobile
phone-police say its not the first time shes had an erikson up her.
3. A man walked into the doctors and said "everytime i look in the mirror i
get an erection. The doctor answered "thats cos you look like a c*nt".
4.1 This morning I opened the front door in my underpants. What a stupid place
to have a door.
4.2. It was a dark and stormy night and all the curtins were drawn, but the
furniture was real.
5. It was a dark and stormy night and all the light's were out, then there was a
tap on the window. What a stupid place to put a tap.
6. Why did Robbie Fowler join Leeds?
For the two E's and the LSD.
7. Why DID Beckham get Skinhead?
Because Posh was told her sex life would improve if she shaved her Tw*t
8. St Peter rushes up to God in a panic.
"Forty scousers have arrived at the Pearly Gates
all at once! How many should I let in?" asks Peter
"Choose the 10 most virtuous" says God.
Peter goes off but soon comes rushing back.
"They've gone!!" he shouts.
"What, all forty?" asks God.
"NO,.... the f*cking gates!!
9. What does D.N.A. stand for???
NATIONAL DYSLEXIC ASSOCIATION!!!
10. What do you call a prostitute with no legs?
Cash & Carry
11. Man walks in to a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm. He said to the
barman a pint of lager please chap and one for the road.
12. What have Osama bin-laden & a pair of tights got in common?
They both irritate bush
13. A man is driving down a country road, when he spots a
farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass.
He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that
the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him,
"Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well, I heard they give the Nobel Prize . . .
to people who are out standing in their field."
14. Why are woman like parking spaces?
All the good ones are taken and the rest are disabled!
15. A young girl asks her dad if she can go to the disco on friday. He says
"only if you suck my d*ck." The girl weighs up the pros and cons and
decides yes. When she is finished she says dad your dick tasted like sh*t. To
which he responds "yes well your brother wanted to go as well".
1. Know anything about cars, other than the colour
2. Understand a plot of a film
3. Go 24 hours without texting someone
4. Build a shed
5. Throw
6. Run
7. Park
8. Fart
9. Read a map
10.Rob a bank
11.Resist IKEA
12.Sit still
13.Tell a joke
14.Play pool
15.Pay for dinner
16.Eat a kebab while walking
17.Piss out of a train window
18.Argue without shouting
19.Get bollocked without crying
20.Understand fruit machines
21.Walk PAST a shoe shop
22.Make a decent bacon sandwich
23.Not comment on a strangers clothes
24.Use small amounts of toilet paper
25.Let you sleep when you have a hangover
26.Drink a pint GRACEFULLY
27.Pay for a round
28.Throw a punch
29.Do magic
30.Like your friends
31.Enjoy porn
32.Admit that men ARE better drivers
33.Eat a phal curry
34.Get to the point
35.Buy plain envelopes
36.Take less than 20 minutes using the toilet
37.Sit in a room for 5 minutes without saying "I'm cold"
38.Go shopping without telephoning 20 mates
39.Avoid credit card debt
40.Dive into a pool
41.Assemble furniture
42.Form a GOOD rock group
43.Set a video recorder
44.Not try and change you
45.Watch a war film
46.Understand why flirting results in violence
47.Spend a day on their own
48.Go to the toilet on their own
49.Buy a purse that actually fits in a pocket
50.Choose a video quickly
51. Play keepy uppy for more than three
52. Explain the offside trap
My name's fabien Barthez, i'm a bald headed
frog,
I am a shit keeper, and a proper french k*ob,
I think i'm sh*t hot, always takin' the michael,
I will never be as good as Peter Schmeichel.
My name's Phil Nevill, i'm a loud mouthed manc,
My footballin' skills ain't worth a w*nk,
A well cocky bastard, and an ugly one at that,
I play for Man U, so i'm also a t*at.
My name is Wes Brown, 'wot's 'appnin' brother?
I'm not quite black but a very strange colour,
I can't find a bird with less than 4 holes,
Perhaps that's why I score own goals?
My name's Gary Neville, I look nothin' like my brother,
I think it's because we have a different mother?
I'm just as pig ugly which makes me quite sad,
We take it in turns, shaggin' our dad!
My name's Roy Keane, and I think i'm well 'ard,
I'm basically a gyppo who likes the red card,
A big headed paddy, always givin' it to the ref,
I must be prime suspect for the UVF?
My name's Ryan Giggs with a full head of curls,
At school I got battered by all the girls,
A bit of a show off and I think i'm quite pretty,
I'm too good for these clowns I should be at Man City.
My name's David Beckham, i'm sure you've heared,
I've got a stick insect that I call my bird,
I've got a big head and a d*ck like a maggot,
The rumours are true, i'm a red ravin' faggot!
My name's Luke Chadwick, I can play up front,
But have you ever seen a more ugly c*nt?
I'm riddled in acne but it might be the pox,
I could eat a roast dinner through my mum's letter box.
My name's Alec Ferguson or Sir would be nice,
For the last 2 years i've been shaggin' Posh Spice,
I'm a typical sweaty, sour faced old f*ck, but beneath this charade i'm as
common' as muck.
I sink a few whiskey's before each game starts, just to keep me watchin' a team
full of tarts.
If we look like we're loosin', i'll get out a few grand, and call the ref over,
and give him a back hand.
So this is the end of Man U's song, unless the ref adds 5 minutes on!!!!!!!