Excerpt from Everyone Loves Raymond, Hackidu
(Originally Aired February 21st, 2000)

(Ray struggles with umbrella)

RB: Com'on! Stupid New Jersey!

(A portly customer and the comicbook store owner stares at him)

RB: How ya doing? I'm looking for Russell...is Russell here?

R: You IRS?

RB: What?

R: Are you with the IRS?

RB: No!

R: You look like IRS.

RB: I do?

R: No, that's just it. You don't.

RB: I'm uh, a friend of your sister Amy.

R: Oh yeah, I'm Russell.

RB: Yeah, Ray Barone. Robert's brother.

R: Oh, Robert's brother. Get out.

(The portly customer leaves)

R: Thanks Clarence, see you at the convention!

RB: Listen ummm..

R: Let me tell you about your brother. My little sister put 2 childbearing years into Gigantoar. Then he dumps her without so much as a Smack-me-bum.

RB: I don't really know what you mean, but I think Amy was the one who broke up with Robert without the Smack-your-bum...

R: Can you blame her? I mean, the guy's got no backbone. He can't commit to anything. What kind of person is that?

RB: Listen, well, you know, Robert and I aren't really that close. But listen, I saw you had a sign saying you got Hackidu cards...

R: We're closed, good day sir.

RB: Listen, please, listen to me...I just drove 2 hours in the rain, and traffic, and my back is all sore and the only thing I had to eat was Cherrios in the seat of the car.

R: Your brother was very lucky to have Amy, she's very supportive.

RB Yeah, alright...

R: She's the one who said open your comicbook store when the rest of the family was saying up your medication.

RB: Look, I..I..I love Amy, believe me...

R: Your brother needs help. If he could just learn to love himself. He needs to learn to love himself.

RB: Well..your right...I mean, that's the greatest love of all...Right?

R: Amy should be with you.

RB: Hey, don't think I haven't thought of that. You know...

(Russell glares at Ray)

RB: Listen..umm..ok...I need a certain type of Hackidu card.

R: No you don't.

RB: What...yes...yes i do, my daughter needs a Scramisaur.

R: Let me tell you about Hackidu...it's evil.

RB: Oh god.

R: It's got no substance, no truth, it's like junkfood for the mind, it's kiddie crack...

RB: Ok, it's kiddie crack, well, I need 65 dollars worth of it.

(Russell walks over to a pile of comicbooks)

R: How old is your daughter?

RB: Seven.

R: Seven...I'll tell you what she needs...are you familiar with Little Lotta? You see, Lotta is a little girl with a bow in her head and even though she's morbidly obese, she still finds happiness.

RB: Do you have a partner? 'Cause I could talk to him about this...

R: Don't you get it, you Long Island suburban automoton? You can't hear the truth of your lawn mower man!

(Russell angrily stomps back to his table)

RB: No...wait...listen Russell...do you have a daughter?

R: I have a snake.

RB: Alright, then you know what I'm talking about. I agree with you Russell. Look, I hate this Hackidu thing, I hated the last thing and you know, I'm going to hate the next thing that comes along, but when your daughter..or your reptile looks up at you...with those eyes..how are you going to say no?

R: Have you even given comicbooks a chance?

RB: Do you have a Scramisaur?

R: I might.

RB: Alright, I'm buying some comicbooks.

R: There you go. You see, kids have such wonderful open minds, they need to be shown...

RB: Alright..alright...I'll take these right here.

R: Oooo...some excellent choices...this ones a classic. You know your daughter is gonna love...

RB: WHERE'S THE SCRAMISAUR!!

(Russell opens a suitcase and carefully pulls out a Scramisaur)

R: Here you are my friend, mint condition, no creases.

RB: Thank you...

(Ray reaches for it, but Russel pulls it back)

R: Nuh-uh...lets have a little smile...

(Ray gives a smirk and then gives an exaggerated smile)

R: That's what it's all about man. Your total is $289.50.

(Ray is stunned)


<END SEGMENT>

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