November 06, 1999

"How do I know that I am a woman?"

I know I am female first because my internal body map, for lack of a better, "clearer" word, states clearly to me that I am female.

Even without ever having possessed these organs from birth doesn't matter. My internal map still feels where these things should be. Strange as it seems even to me this map functions even though these parts are missing. The brain does have a kind of map of the construction of the body. I can sense, am aware of, what I lack. I can feel it.

I have now been on female hormones for eight months and my conviction that I am on the right path has never once faltered, never once wavered. I was concerned in the beginning about taking them that I would be an emotional basket case because I was already very sensitive.

I was warned by other transsexuals that I would experience roller-coaster type mood swings. But for me the opposite has happened. I am less emotional and feel more stable. I can persuade, discuss and compete better than before because now I can stay so much more focused on the subject and not get so bogged down in the sensations and emotions that once flooded my ever fiber. Indeed, if it were not for the continual "longing-for" feelings that permeate to my very core without cessation, I could almost enjoy a feeling of true bless finally.

I have since learned in my readings and studies that I have experienced the wonderful, beautiful hormonal effects in line with a diagnosis of being transsexual. The conclusion would be contary if the hormones had not been right for me.

Since the brain is organized in utero along a male or female design of mapping, having hormones that conflict or disagree with the functioning of brain structures can and does cause distress in those structures not designed to receive it. In my case, testosterone had profound and contrary effects, which became highlighted by comparison when I went on estrogen. The difference was obvious to me within hours of my first dosage of Premarine and testosterone blocker, as I began to experience calming and legibility for the first time in my life. Others that I have talked to about this have said that it was only a placebo effect, that the hormones could "not" have made such radical changes so quickly in my emotions. These "others" are persons that either tried the hormones but weren't staisfied with the results, or else have never tried them. But other transsexuals that have experienced what I have, agree with me. That their emotions also were for the most part affected quickly as the precious estrogen begin going to work.

Female-to-Male transsexuals experience the same phenomena, and report the same benefits as Male-to Female transsexuals, across the board. Both directions of transition each feel better on the hormones that suit their brains. By contrast, those persons who have to take hormones for medical reasons (for example, non-transsexual males taking estrogens to treat various conditions) feel very uncomfortable, and only just endure the treatment. It is not 'right' for their brain wiring.

I am becoming correct. Female hormones were a true God-send for me. If there had been any doubt, this feeling of 'rightness' helped to further confirm the doctor's diagnosis for them. My body knew what it needed, because it was built from before its birth to need and to want it.

But like every step I've taken, I've had to first beg, and plead and beseech, and then literally grovel in sadness, and distress and misery to prove to my doctor's I've wanted 'it', whatever 'it' has been to get it. That I literally needed it to feel 'whole', to feel 'right', to finally be allowed to receive their consent.

Even my first session with my therapist. I went in, not questioning who, or what, I was. Nor was I seeking help to remove this horrible affliction. I already knew I was transsexual. I already knew I was female. For me, to deny I am transsexual would be the same as death for me. For then I would no longer be me. I would be someone else. I already knew I wanted to dress like a woman. I already knew I wanted to wear make up like a woman. I already knew my body hungered for female hormones. I already knew I wanted the surgery to make my body congruent with my soul. But I first had to convince my therapist, the psychiatrist, even the endocrinologist had to be convinced before he would releaase the ambrosia that would start the healing process in my mind and body and would begin releasing me from a nightmare I had never been able to wake from.

On estrogen, I feel better in ever imaginable and conceivable way. I am more likable, and cheerful, and even safer to be around, and stronger emotionally.

My connective relationships are more deeply, and more warmly and affectionately and intimately being affected. I can more easily express my emotions and they are appropriate to what is happening. I no longer feel that I must hide my every emotion so deeply to keep from being laughed at or hurt in some manner if I show my true self or my true feelings. For me, being 'female' is feeling like my self, rather than feeling like someone else other than myself.

Before the estrogen I was always feeling so suicidal and depressed over my missing organs and deformed and disfigured body, and inability to act like myself, being instead, forced to live out an endless illusion of performing in a role, that I could never fully grasp or comprehend. It was impossible to feel truly close or intimate to anyone. It has always been so incomprehensibly solitary, forlorn and so very lonely. I am 45-years-old, and never known what it was like to feel intimately close to someone, or to even know someone as just an associate or friend.

The hormones have helped quiet my mind and eased the feverish burning of my heart and soul. But I must still deal with the daily existence over my missing organs and deformed and disfigured body that my internal map insists has to be there and continually reaches out to connect with and finds nothing there. In a constant, habitually "seeking to connect" that never ceases or ends.

I know I must endure this "longing-for" only a bit longer. I know I am female. When I was a little girl, I suffered because I looked just like a little boy. It hurt, it was torment, it was pain. As a young woman, I suffered because I looked just like a young man, and my anguish and distress grew as I knew that my body would never fulfill any of it's "should-have-been" function's, - I would never expexperience a child growing inside me, (this hurts most of all), even my body refused to grow as it should have, instead, growing misshapened and deformed and ugly.

Now, I finally have a real chance to solve this one great problem. But I am scared. It scares me to think that the doctors might still change their mind, that I might still yet be denied this.

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