October - 1999

In the film 2010, The character David Bowman states
" ... something wonderful is about to happen ..."

Indeed, in my own life, another major step forward has started ... Today I began another step forward in my life as I must, and, in so doing, to be more alive instead of barely existing.

For me it is important to live my life, in this world, as the female that is my core gender identity. I will still be the same person that I have always been. But with one major exception, you will now observe me smiling more often.

We can share so much as transsexual women - our love, our affection, our tenderness, our softness, our tears, and our wonderful life and effervescence with those we choose to love and share these parts of ourselves.

I think it's really wonderful that there are those who can love one another without putting conditions on that love. They just accept each other the way they are.

Love, ultiminately, is trust, faith, confidence, assurance, certitude. Such unconditional trust, and love, must be earned, or it becomes cheapened and belittled.

Now, after so many lonely and desolate years of trying to find love and acceptance from those that say they knew me best, I find myself finally loving only those who earn and and merit my love, for if I am finding one thing through this process, so far, it it that my own love is precious, and of great worth, something to be prized and cherished by those I bestow it. I expect only to be loved if I myself make the effort to be worth loving. Fair is fair, after all.

I can no longer spend my life continuing to appeal for, beseech of, or entreat others (unhappily) as a male to love me unconditionally. I realize that such never was, and that as a male, such love will never be forthcoming. Again, I find in these moments of true feminity and gentleness, simple love and acceptance by strangers, my therapists, my doctors, and those whose life is totally made up of strangers. Even those strangers that I encounter walking past me on the street, in the malls, in the stores, anywhere I go dressed as my self, dressed as Jamie. All, again, treating me with deference, and smiling at me in passing. More and more I am no longer shamed by others, for being myself. Even those strangers that have shown recognition of my maleness beneath the make up have shown nothing more than curiosity or quite interest.

Before my latest passage, I was in hell. Lovecraft could write of no worse, every moment was suffering for me, humiliation for me, chargin, abasement, frustration, disappointment, even at the best, I felt out of place, wrong, incorrect, awkward, and a total freak. Made to feel this way by the very people that said they loved me.

I know that each day I will still wake with the knowledge I am in the wrong body, the wrong physical sex for my gender, and it affects absolutely everything, inside and out. These feelings will continue to exist until I finally have the surgery that will correct my birth defect, my deformity, the ugliness and disfigurement that I live with daily.

But whatever my problems, they will not be allowed to include the problem of being locked away inside the wrong body, and the wrong life, searching for, but never finding an unconditional love. Not any longer. I will still be lonely. I will wake up tomorrow, still alone and cold in my bed with no one to share a morning smile with, or feel a gentle kiss awakening me, or a touch. But I am free. Free to be me, unaffected, without having to lie or be fake, or be false. I can be truthful, I can be sincere, I can be geniune and honest finally, without fearing being hurt or creating commotion because of a perceived conflict from others between my sex, and my gender.

I cannot help but hold myself tightly before I finally drop off to sleep every night, feeling the soft contours, shapes and curves of my own reshaping body, holding and touching the body I wanted for so many years, feeling the rightness, the correctness of it, and offering a silent prayer of thanks just for the privilege of being able to finally be towards 'right' after 45 years of such unhappiness and sorrow and suffering the 'wrong'.

It makes all the difference in the world to be allowed to be real and indisputable, and to live in life, rather than seeing everything go by as an unhappy spectator. They say 'always be yourself'. It is not just nice advice. At least by my comparison!

So, ridiculous as it may sound, even though I complain bitterly of the hurting and "longing-for" that never ceases day or night, I even cherish my own suffering now, because it is my suffering, and I am experiencing it more and more as myself, as the woman I always was, now just on the inside, but soon I will be as whole as the woman I really am on the outside too.

Click here to return to my home page.

Click here to return to the previous page.

Click here to return to the Jump Gate.