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| I got up the next morning and couldn't wait. I called UAB
and told them I would be there
about 5 pm. They said they would let the doctor know so he could meet with me. Hunter was stable, and we finally got on the way. I got to Hunter about 5:15. I was so glad to see his little pink face. The nurse explained to me that he was on drugs to paralyze him so he wouldn't reject the breathing tube. I had yet to see my son's eyes and never would. He couldn't open them. I was quickly becoming more devastated. It was so hard to look at him lying there. Nurse Christy explained the tubes and monitor to me.
The doctor came in and told me it was Aortic Stenosis. The
severity of Hunter's condition was
Exhaustion from having him, from enduring all the emotions, from
the past months had
I told Laurie of my desire to hold Hunter, because he was three days
old and I hadn't held
Finally, at 3 days old I hold my precious angel for the first time.
Such a bittersweet
told it would be at least two hours, and that was if everything went smoothly. While I was in the waiting room, one of the wonderful people I had met online, came to visit. I met Charlotte, Carter and a most precious Jared. He had his heart transplant only 6 weeks earlier and was such a ball of energy. To look at him, you would never know. He brought great hope to me in my most desperate time of need. Looking into the eyes of this miracle child, and the hug he gave me preserved my sanity and assured me all would be ok. Charlotte assured me that Dr. Kirklin was the best. Hunter was in surgery all of 45 minutes. The nurse called me to the desk for a call from the OR. I was so scared. It was too early for Hunter to be out. I just knew he didn't make it. Then I was told that he had sailed through the surgery. His SATs were higher than they had been the whole time he was there. It was time to visit him, in the CICU (cardiac intensive care unit), this time. Visits were short and and far between. I rushed to Hunter's side. He looked good, his color looked better than before, his monitor #'s were higher than I had ever seen them. But he need rest, it was time for mommy to go. We went back the next visiting time and all was still good. They were even trying to wean him off some of his meds. Sit for a few and wait till the next visit at 9 pm. When we got there for the next visit, something was wrong. Hunter's veins were collapsing. We had to do something, and again, had only one option. It was to give him a treatment of nitrous oxide. It wasn't FDA approved for this use, but in adults had good results. It wasn't used widely for babies, but was the only option. Here we go again. My mother pointed out to me that every time Hunter to a step forward, he took three steps back. At the time it upset me, but it would end up being my savior.
thrilled. But we still weren't through the first 24 hours, which were very important. The next visiting time was at 1 am, but I knew I was too tired to make it. I kissed Hunter goodnight and headed back to the Ronald McDonald House. I drifted off to sleep, believing in my heart that everything would be okay. At 4:32 am, the phone rang. I knew it couldn't be good. Mom answered it and without saying a word, handed it to me. Hunter's nurse, Dusty, told me there was a problem, that I needed to get there as soon as possible. The doctor was on his way as well. When I got there, I was sent to a private waiting room to wait on the doctor to speak with me. It seemed like hours before he appeared. A thousand thoughts rushed through my head. He came in and told me that Hunter had gone into cardiac arrest. They were trying to revive him and would continue to try, but it didn't look good. At that point, all I could hear was that he was dead. I didn't realize that they were trying to revive him the doctor came back in and told me they had him back. It was going to be touch and go now. All we could do was wait. We went to eat breakfast and when we came back, Dr. Pearce was looking for me, he needed to speak to me. I sat and waited, telling mom that I felt like they were going to ask me to take him off life support. Sure enough, Dr. Pearce informed me that Hunter was on maximum support. His kidney's were beginning to fail. We didn't know if any nerve or brain damage had been done by the cardiac arrest. That was all I needed to hear. I thought about what mom had said about the steps, I thought about what I would be doing to Hunter and myself if I continued this. He would not survive more than a few weeks.
would be back. They go everything ready and took me in. Mom stood by silently, offering her support as I held him for the last time, alive. I cried until I couldn't take it anymore and laid him on the bed. I kissed him good-bye and told them to end it. The monitors were shut off, the breathing tube removed, the iv's taken out. In the middle of all this, daddy called and we had to tell him the baby was dying right then. I stepped back into the room as I gave mom the phone and took Hunter's hand. He grasped my finger tightly and drew his last breath. I had not let him die alone, and I had ended his suffering. That was all I could do as a mother and I had to find comfort in that. I was told to step outside and they would clean him up and I could see him then. I went and made a few phone calls and went back to see him. I wanted t go home, to run from this town that had been so cold to me, run from everything and get to the safety of Ozark. I went into the small, curtained section of the ICU that he was in and wondered why it couldn't have been that old man next to him. Why my young baby. He had so much life to live, so much for him to see and me to see. He had brothers that wanted to see him, that were anxiously awaiting him. There he lay, on the hospital bed, in a baby blue gown that was full and flowing. He looked like a little angel. He had been my little boy angel since we had found out. Mom and I had made little boy angel pins for our family to wear while I was pregnant with him. An angel had sent me money to buy an angel of hope I had seen at the gift shop. My angel really was an angel now.
arms. He was still so warm, so pink, except for his purple lips. How could he be dead? Had it been a cruel joke? But it wasn't, my baby was gone. Pictures were taken and I was given a box. A mint green sating box, that contained his footprints, his hand prints, a lock of hair, his oxygen mask, pictures, name tags, and his blanket. All my baby's life fit in this little box It was all I was taking home. I was miserable, cold and feeling alone. It's a month later as I write this, the first day of the new year,
of the new millennium. I'm
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precious angel, it is your turn to watch over me. One day we will be together again, until then you keep all our family up straight up there. Please know your brothers miss and love you even though they never knew you. They ask about you all the time. We love and miss you. Mom...... |
| In the arms of an angel, fly away from here.. (Angel by Sarah Mclachlan)
I could have missed the pain, but I'd of had to missed the dance...
(Garth Brooks, The Dance)
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