Every once in a while, we either experience changes in life that cause us to think and act differently, or read/see something that has the exact same effect. I experienced many changes in my life and most of the more profound changes are through books that I had read and then recommended to my friends. I'm glad that some of them are doing the same, feeling how I felt after reading the books and hopefully, doing something about it (like bringing it to the attention of others).

"The Chicken Soup For The Soul" series taught me the first lesson on love - which is to always tell your
loved ones how much you love them before it is too late. I had recommended this book on real life
accounts both over the Internet and to my classmates when I had to do a presentation on any topic I wanted. I'm glad that I also found the courage to say what I wanted to my beloved grandma before she passed away, after reading this book.

Then came the biography of Audrey Hepburn. She taught me the second lesson of a higher level of love - not only for friends and also for the less fortunate - during her stinct with Unicef. Her love for life and
her zest for helping those less fortunate inspired me to be more sensitive towards others' pain and
suffering. Even when she faced death, she did it with a smiling face. I learnt a lot from that - that I do
not want to die a bitter person - I want to leave with a smile.

If these books taught me anything, it is the way I want to live my life and to appreciate life for
whatever it holds. Nevertheless, it never really said how or showed the steps somehow, which brings on my next review for this wonderful book that I had just finished this morning. The ending is still fresh in my
mind and it is probing me to share this book with all of you ...

"Grace and Grit - Spirituality and Healing in the Life and Death Of Treya Killam Wilber" - by Ken Wilber.

This book, first published in 1991 is written by Ken Wilber, one of the leading psychologists in the world.
It is co-written by his wife Treya, who died a few months after finishing the book together with Ken.
This book gives a true life account of an extraordinary love between two human beings and Treya's amazing struggle against cancer, the disease that claimed her life after 5 years of first being diagnosed with it. There are lines beside passages on the book, indicating Treya's contribution and those without, Ken's. It hence offers an intimate look at love, life, cancer, spirituality and healing techniques, both from a cancer patient's (Treya's) perspective and a support person's (Ken's) perspective.

The book starts off with a note to the reader that the book contains many technical terms on spirituality and healing and said that if it is too difficult, the reader might skip through those portions and jump to the more "interesting bits". I do agree that it is not your usual easy to read book because it is so deep and
informative (and I did skip some of it because of its technicality) but I do intend to revisit the book
sometime later.

Treya and Ken were in their 30's when they first met and had sort of resigned themselves to fate that they
would probably never get married. Ken was a leading psychologist at that time, who had published quite a few books and is considered as some form of "God" (in Germany and Japan) because of his works on
spirituality and healing. They were introduced by a friend and instead of "Love at the first sight" (Treya
was not too impressed with his bald head image), it was "Love at the first touch". Somehow, when Ken
placed his arm around Treya's back, she felt a connection that she had never knew and returned the
"favour" by wrapping hers around his as well (that was after they had only spoken for less than 10
sentences).

They were married within 4 months, and 10 days after their marriage and their impending honeymoon in Hawaii, Treya discovered a lump on her right breast. It turned out to be cancer. She removed the lump (but did not have a masectomy) and didn't think much about it until a recurrence a month later or so. After that, cancer permeated through both Ken and her lives and affected them in many ways more than one.

They started out by finding out more information about it, its causes and treatments and this is the interesting bit. They said that when a person contracts an virus (any form - like STD or cancer), they not only acquire an illness (which is the virus itself) but also a sickness. So, what is sickness? It is the pschological aspect of the illness which is shaped by what the society thinks. If one contracts an illness, his sickness will tell him that the reason he has it is because he was bad. If he wasn't bad, he would not be ill in the first place. Now, illness is curable but sickness may not. The guilt may stay with the person forever. For a cancer patient, they found out that if the person has a cancer cell that has "5 Years" written on it, no matter how much chemotherapy the patient has in the last stages, it is still not going to help much. When doctors can't treat the illness any longer, they will prescribe medication techniques (even when they know they wouldn't work) so that they can treat the sickness. Hopefully, the patient will feel hope that he is indeed going to get better with those treatments.

There are also many different grades and severity of the cancer virus, and Treya's was one of the most
aggressive type. She tried all kinds of orthodox treatments, and went through hell with Ken (who was
very supportive at first but broke down after a year). Nevertheless, their love for each other was so strong
that Ken never left her. They did have their rough patches and they did not leave it out of the book and
they even wrote about the ways to avoid them. As a support person, they have problems too, which can be sometimes more severe than the cancer patient itself. The cancer patient has to live with the cancer but the support person, not only has to live with the fact that  the loved one has cancer (and may die) but also
the fact that he has to bottle up all the frustrations and other problems of his own, because they are
against the invincible ... cancer. The way to do it is through couples therapy or support groups, where
people share their experiences. That was what Treya and a few friends (who also suffered from cancer and survived) developed - a cancer foundation support center - it was the first that offered cancer patients
and support people a chance to voice out their grievances.

The most amazing thing about this book though is Treya's determination and love for life. Ken told her
to look at cancer from another angle. A positive one. To look at cancer as a chance to change herself - to
do things that she would never have done - to find her inner daemon - what they are meant to do in life. She adopted the most positive and optimistic outlook and gave speeches during a conference when she only had 3-4 months to live (she lied that she had 3-4 years), where she received a standing ovation. She said this "Because I can no longer ignore death, I pay more attention to life." She lived for the moment, not for the future. She practised many meditation techniques and learned tonglon - which is sort ofan empathizing technique but of a greater degree. It is a Buddhist technique to accept everyone's suffering (to feel that person's suffering), so as to free that person. Even when her body was savaged with tumors in the brain, lungs and liver, she still withstood the pain and refused medication, so that she can tell her friend who recorded her pain down on a recorder, so that they would be able help others deal with the pain, when they are suffering in those final stages.

She said that she was happy and felt that she was happy. She reached a stage of enlightenment when news of more cancer no longer frightened her and she treated the news with a calmness, everyone admired. If there was a word that everyone could agree on to describe her state during the last months of her life, it was joy.

She lived life her way and died on her own terms as well. It wasn't euthanasia. She knew that it was time
and she asked Ken to bring her upstairs when she was finally too weak to even walk. She said she hated it
that way (to be totally dependent on Ken) but Ken said "I think it's the most romantic thing in the world.
You'd never let me do this under any other circumstances, so come on, let me carry my girl up the stairs." The next day, he did the same ... for the  last time. She was not afraid to die (only to die in pain - doctors have never seen such a happy cancer patient and claimed that it was an honour of theirs to be able to meet her) but she didn't want to leave Ken because she loved him so much. Ken promised her that he will find her again, no matter how difficult it is. He will find her, just like he did the last time. She did not die that night, it was after a few nights later, when she had a chance to tell her family everything she wanted to say before she left. Since she was in an elevated position, when she died, her mouth was locked in an open position. They all tried to close it but it couldn't. When they left the room and came back later, it was closed and in place, was a peaceful smile. That was the way Treya left.

Ken said that everyone loved Treya the moment they met her because she was life itself. I have missed the chance to meet her but I had the opportunity to read about her true life account and made me more aware of the fact that I'm indeed luckier than many other people. At least, I know that I'm healthy but who can tell. Treya said that she was lucky because she had time to prepare her "departure" and not die in an accident. I have learnt much from her because in many ways we are similar - very self critical, which also develops into a need for everyone's love as well. If Treya can look at cancer as "Hey you're tough enough to take that one on", I guess, being healthy, we should all appreciate life even more. They also mentioned something about only one Self (which is rather confusing) and since there is only one Self this negates the need for jealousy and envy.

I  know that we don't need something drastic to happen to us (like a deadly virus) to make us realize how
life should be treasured and appreciated, not for the materialistic goods but just for its simplicity ... the fact that we're still breathing. I intend to practise all that I have learnt from this book. It is a very emotional book  which makes you feel as life your life has interwined together with them. It makes you feel as if you were there. You feel the pain (of the therapy and the description of the masectomy), and then more anger and frustration (during their hard times and just like them, you want to phase out these bits - but when you take time to sit down and analyze - you learn the truth and feel much better), then joy next (at how Treya treats life), sorrow (at Treya's death - you'll sob - like I did) and finally relief and a sense of calmness. The sense of calamity comes as a complete surprise to me. Maybe it is that I have found the way I want to go which is why I feel so calm at this very moment.

One other reason this book touched me so much is because of the fact that my grandma, who was the closest person to me, died of liver sclerosis (which is also a form of cancer), but I didn't do whatever I could to take care of her, which makes me feel a little ashamed. Though she knows that we do love each other very much (because we told each other that), work prevented me from playing a much greater role as a support person. The uneviable task fell upon my aunt, who took the time to look after her. I'm sure the initial reason was because she didn't have to work at that time, but I'm sure she shed just as many tears as us when she finally died, because she must have felt that whatever she did was still not enough. But it is enough ... it is more than anyone other one of us ever did ... and for that, I admire her greatly for whatever she had done. Her efforts were unpraised or rather unspoken off, and the "revivial" of this book in my thoughts very recently (considering that this review was written at the end of 1999) prompted me to make her a "Thank You" card, just for that. She may not have achieved much in monetary terms, but to me, she is someone great because she loved and showed me "The joys of giving love".

One of my best friends, Juliana, who read this review, wrote back about how she played the role of the support person and how she found the experience to be close to what I had described here. Her account is included below, with her blessings.

I hope that by sharing this book with you, you will also be able to look at life and disease at a different angle, and learn to appreciate the beauty of life. Don't spend time judging others because then you'll not have time to love them (from Mother Theresa). I hope that you have enjoyed reading and I would welcome any comments, no matter how simple they can be. I have received comments that they are afraid to tell me things about my webpage because they can't write as well. Who cares if you can't write? If you've got an opinion, I'm willing to listen. No matter how simple and remember that sometimes, being simple is the best and the most effective way to deliver
something.

"Love More, Smile More, Judge Less. Appreciate life simply for what it holds." - my new motto in life.

Juliana's Contribution:

After reading your "Grace and Grit" ..... it stirred my emotion........  how I wish I could have read it 6 months ago.....what you've summarised was wat I  had gone thru........ it's a kinda stress that no one really understand  unless that person have gone thru that....... watching a loved one die is just so
painful.... it's hard to explain....... no one around me can understand....... now  the only way I can feel that my mum's alive is when I'm in dreamland...... sometimes it feels so real......but when I wake up..... She's no longer there..... just an illusion...

Dear pal, can I have you permission to forward your summary to my frens? it's so touching and I feel that some of my frens should read it .......

Footnote :

For those of you who are interested in reading more about the book and especially on what other people who bought the book, thought about it, you can visit this Amazon page, which should direct you to the exact page. The average customer review of this book was given a rating of five out of five stars.

This book is currently not available in most bookstores, who will tell you that it is out of print but it is available from Borders (because I had just placed an order for two copies of it). Just quote them this ISBN number : 0877736987 and they would draw up the records.

This book had performed wonders for me and I hope that it will do the same for you too.