Snow Monkey Gameday!

December 17, 2000: Thirteen Thousand Men Find Escape From Dysfunctional Marriages To Watch San Antonio-Virginia Game
December 13, 2000: Manning Scandal Exposed By Commissioner's Office
December 12, 2000: Manning May Have Been Paid Off
December 10, 2000: Snow Monkeys, Pride Add To Tradition
December 7, 2000: Snow Monkeys Become First NBFFL Team To Be Seranaded in Poetry
December 6, 2000: Snow Monkeys Return to San Antonio, Proclaim Jihad on Pride
December 5, 2000: Florida Supreme Court Rules Sitka Spitfires Champions of NBFFL
December 3, 2000: Snow Monkeys Arrested in Ontonagon Gay Bar Cocaine Brawl
November 26, 2000: Snow Monkeys Slay Hippopotamus For Thanksgiving
November 20, 2000: Goodwin and Nasser Return to Plead For Their Jobs
November 19, 2000: Sunday Night Massacre in San Antonio
November 19, 2000: Snow Monkeys Follow Specht's Instructions
November 18, 2000: Jamal Anderson Refrains From Discussing Cult Worship of Ernest Borgnine, Begins Receiving Job Offers
November 12, 2000: Snow Monkeys Remain Undecided on Runningback
October 29, 2000: Gore Uses Ontonagon-San Antonio Game To Score Political Points
October 22, 2000: Snow Monkeys To Aid Community Search For Canine Liberators
October 15, 2000: Snow Monkeys Meet Sasquatch, Use Him as Runningback
October 8, 2000: Robinson Looking For Buzz In All the Wrong Places, Inactive For Game Against Snow Monkeys
October 1, 2000: Obnoxiously Sexy Group of Men to Play Football Against Sitka Spitfires
September 24, 2000: "Fred Taylor Bowl" Unleashes Thermonuclear Diva-Scale Hissy-fit
September 19, 2000: Snow Monkeys Admit They Suck
September 17, 2000: Pride Forgets Defense
September 11, 2000: Snow Monkeys Offer Contract to Buddy Lee
September 11, 2000: The Rock Takes Out Westbrook For the Year, Complains of Broken Folding Chair
September 10, 2000: Bobby Knight Rumored to Be Next Pride Coach
September 10, 2000: Snow Monkeys Attack Rock With Pickle Juice, Nasser Gets RAW
September 4, 2000: San Antonio Hires Nasser, Goodwin As Coaches

Unable in years past to attract a market besides dysfunctional husbands for their post-season consolation games, NBFFL officials attempted to create change. "We did all the publicity we could at children's fashion shows, Feng Shui classes and any place offering perm solutions," said NBFFL vice-commissioner James Waldecker. "If Henna hair dye was there, we were there. We even changed the sponsorship where needed. However, from what we see in Portland today, the Stayfree Grey Cup is still drawing the same crowd as in years past. We don't understand it."

Perhaps unknown to many of those watching the Snow Monkeys and Velociraptors on Sunday, attendance at NBFFL consolation games has been identified by statutes in many states as a reasonable basis for divorce. Although things such as "adultery", "irreconcilable differences" and "projectile watermelons" are still more popular causes for divorce, states such as Oregon, California, Alaska, and Montana have recognized the irreparable damage that NBFFL consolation games have inflicted upon families. Idaho has done the same for the Humanitarian Bowl. In many of these cases, families experience abandonment. In some of the worst cases, families are actually forced to attend.

Nevertheless, most of the men leaving Porcupine Stadium after the game seemed adequately entertained. Some, remembering the pregame show, thought Gloria Gaynor was still hot, and some thought that their wives might go easy on them once they heard about how Terrell Owens caught 20 passes and was voted the Stayfree MVP. However, the vast majority of attendees talked about the halftime show. All NBFFL halftime shows on Sunday were billed as "A Salute to Pitoots: The NBFFL's Tribute to the American Butt". In Portland, Sir Mix-A-Lot staged an extraordinary comeback performance complete with his new hit collaboration with the Backstreet Boys, "Shape of My Butt". But perhaps the best performances on Sunday were reserved for Super Bowl IV in San Antonio where Mystikal performed "Shake Ya Ass", Sisqo enthralled with "The Thong Song", and Luciano Pavarotti gave a stunning tenore rendition of Juvenile's "Back That Azz Up".

"I personally contributed the DirecTV," said Commissioner Benjamin R. Specht. "Everyone was in on this deal. The Pride kicked in the Razor scooter, Hell sent the Travel Cribbage, Ontonagon sent a marble statue of Biff Henderson, and Virginia donated four pieces of Native American erotic art. And I didn't manage to get back to Peyton from his call this morning, but Peyton, if you're listening, HBO Family is 507 and 'It's Pat' is on at 2:30."

Mark DeCarlo, an Alamo Heights, Texas DirecTV installation technician, made a stop by the Manning household late Tuesday morning. After saying he found Manning on his front lawn attempting to jump over an eight-foot pile of frozen fish sticks on a scooter, DeCarlo discussed the situation inside. "I'm installing the system and he asks me whether he was getting Nickelodeon. I said 'yeah, both of them'. Then he asks about Disney. 'Yeah', I said, 'both of those too'. Then he says, 'Mr. Biff wants to kiss you'. I made the last connection and fled."

Despite the approval of the league offices, Manning can still be faced with extraordinary legal consequences. Texas law stipulates that those either guilty of, or whose names are used as direct objects in a sentence regarding the fixing of a professional sports contest are sentenced to be deep-fried in Parkay. Commenting on the matter, the most knowledgable person on law in the known universe plus four hypothetical galaxies near Alpha Centauri, CNN's Greta van Susteren, said late Tuesday night, "Who gives a flying rat snout! Listen people, the Supreme Court just ruled and my eyeliner is smeared! I either get a professional and a brush over here in two seconds or Bernie gets the Cherry Walnut Maybelline on his lips!!! Capeche?"

Manning - who needed to score 60 points for a Snow Monkey victory - scored only 24.6, a career low which surpassed his previous low of 32.6 from Week 3 of his rookie season. Although he did throw the ball forward occassionally, his many throws into the Snow Monkey endzone appeared suspicious, as well as the 'surprise punts'.

Delivery men known to be associated with the Kenyan government arrived at Manning's home in suburban San Antonio unloading what neighbors described as "a lifetime's supply of Mrs. Paul's fish sticks". As neighbors came out to tell Manning that the garbage truck couldn't get through, Manning gave a one hour discourse on how much crispier and tender the coating on Mrs. Paul's fish sticks are, in comparison with Gorton's and other leading brands.

The commissioner's office in Sitka gave no comment this morning and scheduled a news conference for later. Details to follow as they develop.

"We've decided we're going to have a joint Victoria Bodyworks hair removal party!!" said Pride owner Terry McDonnell. "Every year!"

Animated and delirious Snow Monkey fans on the streets of San Antonio made it tough for the visiting Pride to get around. There weren't many business or homes with Christmas trees yet since most are still burning Brett Favre in effigy. A police escort, however, was used to transport the Pride safely to the Monkeydome Saturday night. Hair removal experts noted that this was only the second time in world history that people were transported to a hair removal party via police escort, the first time being Prince and Kenny Rogers after the Grammys in 1989.

"I always used to enjoy a good exfoliating rub in the morning," said McDonnell, preaching the benefits of his new hair removal system. "But I still had too much unwanted body hair!

"Brett, Eddie (George) and I were all very frustrated with our unwanted body hair. After five hours one day discussing our constant waxing and painful electrolysis sessions, we decided that we would develop a product that could actually change the structure of our follicles. After all, studies show that 20% of electrolyzed hair follicles produce regrowth or, in some cases, brain tumors.

"Enter Victoria Bodyworks Ultra Hair Away. At first, Ultra Hair Away changes the structure of your hair follicles. Thick coarse hair becomes softer, smaller, finer and crispier. It will resemble hair you had as a baby. Soon after - PRESTO! No more hair! You will never be self-conscious again!"

Sitting in their robes Saturday evening, anxious to finally find a substitute for waxing, the Pride and Snow Monkeys listened as McDonnell continued. "It is a clear odorless topical solution that is made from an amazing mixture of exotic plant enzymes, morpholine and boar urine. Once applied, it saturates the base of the hair follicle and begins the patented process of stopping hair growth. Ultra Hair Away is so easy to use. Just spray, and it goes to work! Like benzene, it's 100% organic, so it's completely safe and painless."

The party was a success - not a single armpit hair left the room, and Terance Mathis volunteered to clean up. Players returned afterwards to their rooms anticipating their participation in the game already billed as 'the greatest game in NBFFL history'. Expected at the Monkeydome on Sunday are 67,000 fans with foam replicas of Eddie George's head on a stick (sponsored by Taco Cabana), U2 performing at halftime, and considerably less body hair. A 'beautiful day' indeed!

"No other NBFFL team has ever had a poem written about it," said Waldecker. "The San Antonio Snow Monkeys are honored to be the first. Of course, there are not many teams in the league worth writing poetry about. Especially not the Victoria Pride."

Although no poems until now have ever been based on NBFFL teams, that is not to say that there is no poetry influence within the league. Since their inception, the Berkeley Beatniks have used Allen Ginsberg's "Howl" as their fight song. Also, the Virginia Velociraptors use Was (Not Was)'s neo-romanticist work "Walk the Dinosaur" as their warm-up ballad. However, despite the obvious poetic links, the NBFFL and NBFFL-related topics had not yet stirred the muse of lyrical genius.

Waldecker submitted the poem to the media late Wednesday night. Written by close friend and newly-appointed Snow Monkey Poet Laureate Marina Miletic, the poem is entitled "Snow Monkeys" and is said to be in "pseudo-haiku" format:

"Snow Monkeys
Flying though a tree
Snow Monkeys
On a winning spree
Snow Monkeys
Team members drug-free
Snow Monkeys
Putting the smack down like Bruce Lee

Alternate last line:
Educatin' 'em like Oprah Winfrey"

"I think it can be sung to the tune of Jay-Z's 'Big Pimpin'," said Waldecker. "And we'll have to verify the drug-free part. But it's pretty good. It's at least better than 'Bless You Boys'."

"The Victoria Pride are a fine team...FOR ME TO POOP ON!" shouted Snow Monkeys owner James Waldecker, leading a rally of the Snow Monkey faithful at San Antonio International Airport, as the team returned from Ontonagon. With the Victoria Pride coming into town, the Snow Monkeys have their sights set on clobbering their 4-10 rivals and hosting Super Bowl IV in the Monkeydome. For the first time since 1997, Snow Monkey-mania has gripped San Antonio, causing people to swarm Mike Hollis in public and lavish him with affection. Although licking Mike Hollis does not violate any of San Antonio's city ordinances, the Snow Monkeys have done what they can to discourage it, mostly with Gold Bond and other anti-itch products.

"Leaving a trail of slime wherever they go," said Governor George W. Bush at the rally, "the Pride have introduced our league to such characters as the Monkees, Don Cherry and Bobby Knight. Or as we know them, 'Kitsch, Glitch and Major-League Bitch'. We must make sure that this cast of idiots does not make it to another Super Bowl. No, more than that...it is our solemn duty to ensure that a 3-10 regular season team does not walk out onto the field for Super Bowl IV. This is more than just Snow Monkeys vs. Pride - this is about the sanctitudity of the Super Bowl!"

Thanking the governor for his remarks, Waldecker concluded the rally by promising "the mother of all Tex-African Blood Sport to take place at the Monkeydome on Sunday! For this reason, we have Tom DeLay wrestling an orangutan at halftime".

In Specht v. Stats Service, Inc., Specht, a New Jersey resident, was capable of attaining Florida jurisdiction with testimonial evidence of his 1988 consumption of a Pop Tart within Florida state limits. The court ruled that "Benjamin Ryan Specht's team, the Sitka Spitfires, is hereby the champion of the NBFFL until either the final anticlimactic belch of an imploding Milky Way digesting frozen fragments of Planet Earth, or until Bill Belichick is semi-nude in a Perry Ellis ad, whichever comes first."

Citing "a need to get some frickin' makeup on and look sexy for Judy Woodruff tomorrow", the court swiftly adjourned and left sports journalists with their terse verdict.

At 4:55 AM Sunday morning, 49 members of the Snow Monkeys were arrested in Boyz Incognito, a well-known R&B and disco club within Ontonagon's thriving gay district. Although frequented by celebrities such as George Michael, RuPaul, Boy George and G. Gordon Liddy during their visits to Ontonagon, Boyz Incognito has long been rumored to be a major hub on the notorious cocaine smuggling route from Colombia to Thunder Bay.

With most of Ontonagon ruled by territory-driven machine-gun youth gangs, the Snow Monkeys had a difficult time finding nightlife Saturday night. "Man, Onto-town gangs are fierce!" explained wide receiver Joe Horn, fresh from posting bail. "The Lords of Lumber gang symbol is walking straight, left foot then right. The Gopherslayas acknowledge each other by respirating. So you could have some problems."

The 49 Snow Monkeys eventually found refuge at Boyz Incognito. "As you know, we're all big Abba fans on this team," said Terrell Davis. "We pass by this place where this big fine woman in a red dress is belting out a deep torch version of 'Dancing Queen'. So, of course, we all went in. We didn't expect any problems.

"After a while, we're all getting our freak on to Donna Summer, Pet Shop Boys and Bronski Beat and we're thinkin' 'Yeah, this is cool'. That's when Peyton (Manning) started looking for girls. We all started noticing there weren't any around, but couldn't really figure it out, so we had Peyton check it out."

Manning's search for females took him into a backroom, from which he emerged held at knifepoint five minutes later. The Snow Monkeys responded by defending their quarterback and were soon arrested by Ontonagon police. Police also hauled away four major drug kingpins, a male prostitute and a dozen fur trappers. The club's manager, Gary Glamour, explained that "we thought about expelling the Snow Monkeys for violating the leather-and-latex dress code. But when was the last time a gay club hosted a whole professional football team? All those cute buns...honey, it was absolutely breathtaking!"

Scarfing down their hovercraft's final box of Chicken-In-a-Biscuit somewhere near the Canary Islands, the Snow Monkeys arrived in Africa famished on Wednesday night. As a result, the team was quite anxious for their Thanksgiving feast at Kenya's favorite neighborhood bar, grill and ammunition warehouse: Applebee's.

"We'll have forty-seven sizzling stir-fry combos," said Snow Monkeys owner/coach/general manager/Grand Duke James Waldecker to his waiter that night, Mgdoumoumoumoube. "No, not the chicken combos. Yes, vulture. We'll also have seventeen smothered hyena tongue alfredos, six bacon cheese jackals, baboon-in-a-biscuit...and I'll have quesadillas."

Informed that the quesadilla appetizers were unavailable since "the giraffe had escaped this afternoon", Waldecker marched his players immediately out of the establishment. Taking to the Serengeti, the Snow Monkeys feverishly mauled a hippopotamus with their cell phones, ignited a laptop and proceeded to roast their kill. A delicious Thanksgiving feast was had by all.

With digestive systems jumbled and disorganized enough for David Alan Grier to star in, the Snow Monkeys used Friday to rest from their journey. By afternoon, however, NBFFL league officials managed to find the team's campgrounds. Requesting that the players sing a few lines from The Turtles' 1966 hit "Happy Together", the officials were feverishly mauled with cell phones.

Meanwhile, the Snow Monkeys may face charges from Egyptian commerce officials. Forced by travel irregularities to take the hovercraft trip from Peyton Manning's home in the Louisiana bayou to Africa, part of the route took them through the Suez Canal. Canal security reported that "a hovercraft full of good ol' boys, good times and Old Milwaukee failed to stop for a required customs check just outside Port Said". Officials went on to say that Egyptian law specifically prohibits the transport of either good times or Old Milwaukee through the Suez Canal.

San Antonio Snow Monkeys owner James Waldecker remained seated, amazed that the rumpled and ragged figures of Jac Nasser and James Goodwin had bothered to stumble back to his office just one day after being catapulted through the Monkeydome roof. "I thought I'd gotten rid of these guys," said Waldecker.

"Please, sir!" whined Goodwin. "Yesterday wasn't our fault! I'm begging you for mercy! Please! Listen, I-I-I'm only human. Of flesh and blood I'm made."

"Human," said Nasser. "Born to make mistakes."

"OK, that's enough!" said Waldecker. "Plane tickets and truck!" shouted the owner to scurrying assistants. Within five minutes, a Ford Explorer pulled up to the Monkeydome doors and tickets for United 543 from San Antonio to Chicago were produced.

At least two dozen Snow Monkey employees were required to stuff Nasser into the Explorer, in a scene resembling a cat going to the vet. "This thing is a death machine!! A DEATH MACHINE, I TELL YOU!!! We're all gonna die!!! Oh God!!!" screamed Nasser, as he attempted to squirm from grip.

Meanwhile, Goodwin gasped as he was handed his plane tickets. "I-I-I'll be on there for 14 years. You can't do this to me! You can't do this!" Like Nasser, Goodwin was forced into the Explorer as it rode off to the airport. All Snow Monkey personnel returned to work, spending the afternoon evaluating the office temps and secretaries' abilities to run screen routes.

"Destiny's Child, suffering from dysentery and dressed in ape suits, could have played better football," muttered San Antonio Snow Monkey owner James Waldecker as he bolted from his Monkeydome box suite towards the sidelines with two minutes remaining in Sunday's game. "This is not Snow Monkey football. Gentlemen, I need four dozen hashish-crazed wombats, some Robitussen and a catapult."

Knocking over a Chick-fil-a stand and punching out Paul Maguire on his way to the sidelines, Waldecker had Snow Monkey officials roll out a 4000-ton capacity medieval catapult usually stored in Waldecker's walk-in closet. Accompanying the catapult were approximately 50 wild beasts slobbering all over the field, causing referees to call the game a few minutes early since the head linesman was getting chewed on. It proved to be enough to convince 60,000 disgruntled fans to stick around given the rarity of seeing a medieval catapult enter the field while an official gets assualted by a wombat.

Waldecker and the wombats bullied coach James Goodwin and general manager Jac Nasser into seating themselves in the catapult. "You're fired!" said Waldecker as the catapult rope was slashed, launching Goodwin and Nasser through the roof of the Monkeydome and leaving two holes in the shapes of their profiles. The crowd roared in approval. Sunday night, Goodwin and Nasser were spotted groaning on top of a truckload of Belgian endive, rolling down I-10 towards Del Rio.

The players, minus Peyton Manning, were locked in a strip-mall Fotomat for the night with Joe Theismann. Having administered both punishment and his cold medicine, Waldecker came to the post-game press conference and made the announcement that San Antonio had been waiting to hear for a long time. "Ladies and Gentlemen, the San Antonio Snow Monkeys have been for football this year what the Georgetown Kool-Aid was for children's drinks. Therefore, we're cleaning house. I will personally be coaching the team for the remainder of the year. Peyton Manning is the only player that we guarantee bringing back for 2001. Next week will likely be Terrell Davis' final regular season game in a Snow Monkey uniform. If we feel that either Joe Horn, David Boston, Jerome Bettis or Lamar Smith are worthy of a starting position, then we'll keep one of them. If not, we'll trade to get what we need. Peace."

"Start studying those Ontonagon tapes, suckas!" taunted Spitfires owner Ben Specht. Within minutes of publication, Specht's commentary was posted in the Snow Monkey lockerroom, and the players immediately responded.

"We pulled an all-nighter on the Ontonagon tapes," said wide receiver Joe Horn. "Originally, we thought we had a chance against the Spitfires. But Specht's advice made us reconsider."

"Yeah...just think," added Peyton Manning, "we were gonna waste our time with Sitka tapes. What the hell were we thinking?"

On Friday, attempting to be of further aid to the San Antonio Snow Monkeys, Ben Specht continued to to deliver, via the national press, further advice, instructions and warnings to the Snow Monkey franchise. "If I were them," spoke Specht, "I'd start getting my organ donor card ready. We're gonna tear out their knee ligaments and show them to their faces. We're gonna feed their gall bladders to our dogs. And then we're gonna eat their children!"

All members of the Snow Monkeys visited Texas Department of Motor Vehicle offices on Friday and registered organ donor cards. Lamar Smith bought Hershey's syrup and some cherries so that his young son would be tasty and ready to serve.

Specht continued on Saturday. "The Snow Monkeys should be ready to have their souls devoured and cast into a lake of scalding hellfire where they shall grind their teeth for all eternity," proclaimed the Spitfire owner as bystanders ducked to avoid the projectile foam that flew wildly from his mouth. Fearing Specht's awesome metaphysical powers, most Snow Monkeys made sure to receive the sacrament of reconciliation at nearby churches. David Boston was exorcised, re-injuring his hamstring.

As the Sitka-San Antonio game began at the Monkeydome on Sunday, Specht proved to be up to his word. With Peyton Manning rendered ineffective early on, the Spitfires turned their attention to the San Antonio sideline, attacking Snow Monkey reserves with the ferocity of a thousand Bolivian men attacking a goat. Terrell Davis re-sprained an ankle, while Jeff Blake dislocated and fractured his own ankle. Specht spat out a piece of Blake's ear and cried out, "Jeff Blake will humiliate me no more!" referring to his ill-fated decision to select Blake in the first round of the 1997 draft. Texas Rangers intervened to calm everyone down, and what was left of the Snow Monkeys continued to play.

Snow Monkey fan George W. Bush, who witnessed the carnage, said "The ferocitude was sizzable. I was absolutely a board." At press time, Specht was still rejecting inquiries from the Gore-Lieberman campaign as to whether he has a law degree.

Clad in a new Armani suit, Cole-Haan shoes, Wembley power tie, classic leather portfolio, and Fubu bowler hat, Jamal Anderson clearly demonstrated a recent improvement in his image and interviewing protocol. Even the women in his entourage had been upgraded from "honeys" to "fly muthas". But despite all these changes, Jamal attributed his recent job-hunting success to one thing - his decision not to talk about his cult worship of actor Ernest Borgnine.

"I started to realize that that was the problem," said Jamal in candid reflection Friday night. "Like I'd be sitting there with James Waldecker, owner of the Snow Monkeys. Everything would be going great, you know. We'd talk about how I'd contribute to the team, what he was looking for, what my role would be on the team, and how to say 'Impale Edgerrin' in at least 175 different languages. And then eventually I'd start talking about my cult worship of Ernest Borgnine. I'm not sure, but I think that's where most of my interviews went bad."

After going without work for about two months, Jamal finally put together a wholesome, professional new package and went back on the interviewing circuit. During the past week, eight job offers came in from Ontonagon, Berkeley, Portland, Sitka, Sirius, Great Falls, Victoria, and Kentucky Fried Chicken.

Despite signing on with the Sirius Stars, Jamal said he would continue to worship Mr. Borgnine. "I'll try to keep it separate from football...but Mr. Christensen is invited to come and sacrifice a chicken anytime."

"We knew we'd face a tough choice now that Terrell is healthy and Jerome Bettis had a bar mitzvah to go to," explained Snow Monkey coach James Goodwin. "So we put it on the ballot last Tuesday".

Indeed, on Tuesday voters in Texas' Bexar County found themselves faced not only with candidates for President, the U.S. Senate, the House of Representatives and Chairman of the George Strait Fan Club, but also with candidates for the next week's Snow Monkey starting runningback. Unfortunately, the present vote count is too close to call. It appears that Terrell Davis edged out Corey Dillon by no more than two votes, undoubtedly benefiting from the 9% that accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan.

Corey Dillon has taken action by demanding a recount, especially after evidence appeared that 21,000 ballots were thrown out after being sauteed, and that at least 45% of all ballots were written in ancient Mayan. As is generally appropriate while contesting electoral results, Dillon has hired a former Secretary of State.

"I'm in charge here!!!" boomed former Secretary of State Alexander Haig as he marched into Snow Monkey offices on Wednesday. Haig proceeded to declare martial law and round up children, retirees, golf pros, Maytag repairmen, Kenny Rogers, household pets and all other idle hands to handcount every ballot. As of Saturday night the recount was still pending.

"Let me see if I have this right," said Terrell Davis on Saturday. "Corey's taken back his concession, hired former members of the Reagan administration, and vanquished the civil rights of all residents of the San Antonio metropolitan area just to see if he gets to carry the rock. Yeah, I guess that's all right. I don't wanna sound snippy or anything."

As the recount rages on, Sirius Stars owner Steve Christensen did his part early on Sunday to offer some advice to the Snow Monkeys. "They need to start Lamar Smith," said Christensen reflecting on his loss last week. "Lamar Smith is a spank machine. This past week, I've been eating bon bons, watching 'Airwolf' reruns, crying into my Drano-spiked King Cobra and trading possible franchise players for third round picks...all because of Lamar Smith. Lamar Smith invades my soul. Lamar Smith is a force to be reckon with. Acknowledge Lamar Smith before he destroys you all!"

"GO BOULDERSLAPPERS!!!" boomed Gore as he spoke at the Local Ontonagon County Korean Buddhist Order of Xylophonists (L.O.C.K.B.O.X.) headquarters. Donning a teal-and-copper Ontonagon Bouldersnatcher jersey numbered "1" with "Gore" scripted on the back, Gore yelled out, "How about that Dorothy Levens??!!!"

The campaign appearance was attended by hordes of enthusiastic football fans and press alike. Gore spent time reflecting on his days at Harvard when he used to roll titanic-sized copper boulders with him to class everyday. He also recalled using a copper boulder to wipe out a division of the Viet Cong, as well as the birth of his daughter Karenna which, said Gore, occurred on top of a large copper boulder. Afterwards, Gore was eager to field questions from both press and fans, regarding such matters as hydroelectric power for the Upper Peninsula, opening markets for farmers' exports, and his preference of leather or lace on Jerry Glanville and the CBS crew.

The Vice President stated that he preferred lace on Jerry Glanville.

At the conclusion of the event, Gore led supporters, fans and Buddhists xylophonists alike in a non-denominational prayer for the 'safe return of the Ontonagon Bouldersmackers from the sulfurous hell pit called Texas'. "Lord," said Gore, "we know that Ontonagon's heroes are presently surrounded by bazooka-carrying, inbred, benzene-spewing retards. Their safety is in your hands. Amen."

San Antonio Snow Monkey owner James Waldecker, upon hearing Gore's remarks, simply responded, "The Bouldersnatchers are scheduled for an execution today. I will not grant a reprieve."

Waldecker's remarks were part of an announcement Saturday by the San Antonio Snow Monkeys that the club will participate in a nationwide effort to apprehend criminals who released four rotweilers from the barnyard of Mr. and Mrs. Cletus and Kevin Marie Ratbong of Locust Grove, Oklahoma. In fact, not just the Snow Monkeys but all five home fields in the NBFFL every week will be broadcasting incessant public service announcements regarding these dogs, and will continue to do so for an indefinite period of time that will conclude with either the proper conviction of the those responsible, or with the final extinction of the Sun's life-giving energy, entombing Earth and all known animated existence in an icy grave hanging onto the Milky Way like freezer burn on a half-eaten pudding pop.

"Everybodah back in Locust Grove has jus' been sick about all ours rahtweilers," explained Mr. Ratbong. "Lord knows whar those dawgs are. They could be somewheres awful, lahk in the woods, out on a highway or in a Best Buy. 'Tween this and Garth (Brooks)'s divorce, it's enough ta make a man forget about NASCAR, huntin' possums or purty cousins."

"Every time the Snow Monkeys score a touchdown or a field goal, catch an interception, or run a play with eleven players on the field, we will play the public service announcement," stated Waldecker. "Every glorious moment of Snow Monkey triumph will be ruined by a reminder of these dogs. Such is our level of dedication to this cause."

The public service announcement, recorded by concerned Jamaican hip-hop artists The Baha Men, will prompt football fans to repeat "Who Let the Dogs Out" in mantra-like fashion, bark like dogs, and do whatever else to simulate the response that Grace Jones would receive visiting troops abroad. Janine Mueller, owner of the Snow Monkey's next opponent, the Hell's Angels, agreed with the new NBFFL policy, saying that "this will inspire millions to resound the call for justice throughout America. I, personally, shall bark my heart out for these dogs."

"It was either this or more lame United Way visits, teaching mindless rugrats not to put Play-Do up their noses," responded Waldecker to reporters. "I think we made the right call."

So given how long ago their last visit had been, it's understandable that the San Antonio Snow Monkeys' team Winnebago was having a rough time this week finding Great Falls. After accidentally entering Canada, and being expelled for the illegal importation of Pantene conditioner, the Snow Monkeys found themselves lost in the Montana wilderness.

"It was embarrassing," said quarterback Peyton Manning. "But even after a night of blow-dart hunting varmints, everyone is really impressed by my hair's long-lasting hold and volume."

Thursday night, as they camped near Missoula, Montana, the Snow Monkeys were attacked by a large beast-like mammal that resembled recent local accounts of Sasquatch. Fleeing in terror, the creature's paw clutched Amani Toomer and began to gnaw him. Having lost too many wide receivers this year to allow one to be eaten by Sasquatch, the Snow Monkeys gathered the courage to run back and subdue their assailant with copious gusts of hair care products. And that was when they discovered the truth.

Jerome Bettis is Sasquatch.

"Hey, is there some way we can sign this guy?" yelled Manning as Bettis slowly came to. Excitement soon spread throughout the camp.

"You know, after I was released last year by the Gummi Bears," explained Bettis, "I was looking for something else that was high-profile with decent compensation and good benefits. I was all set to begin broadcasting, but then Fox NFL said they already had someone to do the weather report in tight, sexy clothes. So that's when I got a call from the Sasquatch people. They needed someone to run through the Northwest wilderness and attack people. They also have a long history with good media coverage, a 401k package, and Aetna medical and dental, so of course, I signed on immediately."

Bettis was immediately signed and placed on the Snow Monkeys' roster. Within hours, the Snow Monkeys were in Great Falls and were greeted by the Snow Monkey Wide Receiver Alumni Association, a.k.a. the Gummi Bear wide receiver corp of Jimmy Smith, Isaac Bruce, Rod Smith and Keenan McCardell. Once the punching-bag of the league, the Gummi Bears have assembled a potent combination of former Snow Monkeys and Ricky Williams to become one of the more formidable foes in the NBFFL. Meanwhile, it's the Snow Monkeys who are scrounging to put Jerome Bettis onto the field, not Great Falls, which only goes to show just how "back in the day" 1997 is.

Although most assumed that Robinson was still having problems with his left hamstring muscles, the Beatnik pregame press conference revealed other complications. "Marcus was doing some experimentation last night," explained Beatnik owner John P. Given. "To be specific, he was studying the mind-expanding properties of LSD baked into a Jack-In-the-Box Ultimate Cheeseburger with extra pickles."

"Les, Johnny and I are going to Carlson for a raise," said Robinson during his league-mandated five minutes with the media. "After the turkey-dropping promotion, WKRP should be able to pay us at least as much as the WPIG DJs!"

"It's just not fair when bad trips happen to good people!" sobbed Given, struggling to contain his emotions.

The Beatnik organization indicated that it will be making efforts in the future to mitigate the negative hallucinogenic effects from local fast-food chains during road trips. "We'll be sticking to Sonic for all our mind-altering burger needs," stated Given.

Robinson's belief that he is DJ Venus Flytrap from "WKRP in Cincinnati" has apparently wiped out his ability to execute Berkeley's Messed-Coast Offense. During Sunday morning drills, Robinson interpreted "Wide-25-Turn-On-6-Tune-In-4-Drop-Out" as an instruction to begin spinning some old Chicago records.

"That Peter Cetera," sang Robinson, "he's superbad, superbad, superbad..."

Needing some confidence before their contest with the Sitka Spitfires, the San Antonio Snow Monkeys found it Saturday with the announcement that two of the top three "Most Sexy NBFFL Players" (as voted by Fox television viewers over the Internet) are Snow Monkeys. Snow Monkey quarterback Manning took 39.1% of the vote while runningback Terrell Davis placed third with 14.7%. What's more, 99.999997% of Fox viewers voted the San Antonio Snow Monkeys as the "Most Sexy Team of the NBFFL".

"These people are very sexy", said new Snow Monkey wide receiver David Boston. "Even Terrell's ankle looks rugged."

"You know, we could lose up here in Alaska," said Davis. "But that doesn't change the fact that Ed McCaffrey will never be the gorgeous man that I am!"

"I'm cute, too!" said Lamar Smith to reporters asking directions to the Edgecumbe Stadium volcano-perched Port-a-potties.

Despite this latest accolade regarding shallow physical features, the Snow Monkeys intend to emphasize their deeper merits, such as their devotion to God. In fact, to show reverence for the Almighty, Amani Toomer plans on running out to the middle of Edgecumbe Stadium and doing the Freak Nasty on the Spitfires' familiar RAF-Patterned Plane Silhouette. To be even more specific, Toomer will also strip down to a leopard-print thong for the January picture in the upcoming "Snow Hunk-eys: 2001 Swimsuit Calendar".

"I'd like to apologize," muttered Snow Monkey Coach James Goodwin in his Sunday morning press conference, "for my overpowering masculinity. Proper measures will be taken to correct this matter. I'd also like to apologize for the October picture in the calendar. Posing together with Jac Nasser in our leather hot pants was probably uncalled for."

At a press conference on Monday, Porcupine runningback Fred Taylor blasted his old team, the San Antonio Snow Monkeys, who traded him three weeks ago. "Honey, listen, you don't know how fabulous it is to be here in Oregon," began Taylor as he launched into his tirade. "I was saying to Pippie the other day, 'Girlfriend, even the red-and-brown lycra feels smoother on my body than those black-and-yellow rags.' I just did NOT feel sexy as a Snow Monkey. It was like being Jim Nantz."

Besides putting Pippie the Porcupine's sexuality into question, Taylor's remarks added even more anticipation to this week's San Antonio/Portland game. When asked about the man that San Antonio management preferred - Snow Monkey runningback Terrell Davis - Taylor said, "There's no beef with him. You're trying to compare a leading toliet bowl cleaner to Ty-D-Bowl. The leading bowl cleaners only last so long, Ty-D-Bowl disinfects forever. He's not even close to me and anyone who knows football knows that."

In response, the Snow Monkeys have extended bonus payment offers to any players who will direct an obscene gesture towards Taylor. "We're offering $1,000 for a hand-extended-from-the-nose, $2,000 for scraping-a-backhand-from-underneath-the-chin, $3,000 for offering him a new long distance company and, of course, $5,000 for the New York state bird," stated Snow Monkey owner James Waldecker. "And if anyone speaks Italian while doing it, we double the bonus."

Also in response to Taylor's comments, CBS Sports issued an official statement. CBS insisted that "Any disregard for Jim Nantz's stunning masculinity is not appreciated. We believe Jim Nantz is a very attractive man. He is a verifiable hunk-o-saurus."

In other news, Virginia's Vinnie the Velociraptor, Sirius' Shirley Star and other NBFFL mascots have come together to urge Pippie to come out of the closet with his sexuality. "We all know it's tough these days to be a gay porcupine," said Vinnie. "But to me, his sexuality doesn't matter. After all, we all know, no matter what, that Pippie is very manly porcupine."

The Snow Monkeys suck.

"Never mind the record," stated Waldecker. "This franchise has never measured its success based on record. We've always been high-scoring, and by all our usual organizational metrics, we suck. Big time. Nobody's ever won three in-a-row so undeservedly since Woody Allen with Diane Keaton, Mia Farrow and Soon-Yi."

Coach James Goodwin, to express his shame for Sunday's game, has proposed a punishment for himself that gives a Fisher-Price twist to the garden-variety Iranian criminal sentencing. "I wish to be dipped in scalding-hot Play-Do, feathered and carted through San Antonio in a Little Tikes Winnie the Pooh wagon," said Goodwin. "Only then, will I feel cleansed of the guilt."

Waldecker stated that the dipping of Snow Monkey personnel in boiling toy clay will not be necessary.

In the meantime, the Snow Monkeys look forward to playing the Portland Porcupines. Since the Porcupines have runningbacks and wide receivers, the game should be challenging for the Snow Monkeys.

However, leaving your defense behind is truly poor form.

The Victoria Pride found themselves in such a predicament on Sunday morning. "We started to notice something last night," said Pride drums coach Mickey Dolenz. "First, our witch doctors still had plenty of cockatoo sweat left, despite treating all the ankle sprains. And then at the chicken sacrifice, Jevon wasn't there to light the ritual Jim Nantz idol statue. When Blaine Bishop wasn't there to petition Pat Summerall and all other Gods for a wombat attack on Peyton Manning, that's when it hit us - we have no defense!"

"Jimmy Kimmel still picked us," said unexpected starting runningback Priest Holmes. "We should be all right."

"This is total crap," remarked Fox commentator Howie Long. "We go about all the trouble of sending a crew to San Antonio, making sure Bradshaw knows what state San Antonio is in, explaining the plot of 'Dark Angel' to our announcers, and what happens? The Pride forgets their defense. It's absolutely unacceptable. I will personally go and kick Peter Tork's ass today."

James Brown agreed. "By leaving their defense back in Africa, the Victoria Pride have severely limited our ability to promote 'Boston Public'. Millions will be unnecessarily deprived of jokes regarding mammary glands."

The Pride made a quick gametime decision to start all four members of the Monkees and an elephant on defense. Just before kickoff, the Snow Monkey coaching staff was still attempting to draw up receiving routes to protect against zone blitzes by large mammals.

"He meets all the criteria," claimed Nasser. "The wee mate has no knee ligaments of any sort, which is important. And as long as he's wearing his dungarees, he's capable of surviving most explosions, auto accidents and gross displays of advertising stupidity. He's definitely our man!"

Lee's agent has yet to respond to the Snow Monkeys. Lee himself was busy Monday night, taping a guest appearance for "V.I.P."

Such was the taunting that a grimacing Michael Westbrook received after coming across the middle and being beaten with a folding chair by Virginia Velociraptors coach The Rock during Sunday's game between the Velociraptors and the San Antonio Snow Monkeys. As a result, Westbrook, the Snow Monkeys' star receiver for approximately four days, will miss the season due to a torn anterior cruciate ligament.

The Rock, unable to get his Velociraptor defense to contain Peyton Manning, took matters into his own hands with 3:53 remaining in the third quarter. The scene was somewhat reminiscent of the week before, when Sirius Stars' coach Leslie Nielsen, disguised as a ref, injured Snow Monkey receiver Joey Galloway by 'feeling' Galloway up and searching him during mid-play. Galloway also has a torn ACL.

Manning ended the game against the Velociraptors with 367 yards passing. 50 went to Westbrook and 34 went to Albert Connell. Nobody's sure who caught the other 283.

"Something has to be done about the coaches coming onto the field," stated Snow Monkey owner James Waldecker. "Of course, we have no problem sending (James) Goodwin out there. He's cannon fodder."

"I'd like to apologize," said Coach James Goodwin after the game, "for the loss of our star players to torn ACLs these past few weeks. As a precautionary measure, all Snow Monkey players will have their ACLs surgically removed tomorrow. That way, this won't be a problem against Victoria next week."

With the Monkees looking to do another reunion tour to cash in on the boy band craze, Terry McDonnell has been courting other coaching possibilities. While in Hell for the Victoria/Hell game on Sunday, Knight sat in McDonnell's private box at the Damned Dome. Knight refused to comment about his dealings with the Pride, but said he felt "right at home" with the atmosphere and amenities in Hell.

McDonnell refused comment by phone Sunday night.

However, the presence of the visiting Virginia Velociraptors' over-the-top coaching staff, combined with the Snow Monkeys' battle-worn corp of corporate execs, has produced a Bradshaw-versus-Kimmel-sized free-for-all deep in the heart of Texas.

The mayhem began while Snow Monkey general manager Jac Nasser was away in Washington on Wednesday. Experimenting with pickle juice as a means of beating the heat during 109 degree practices, the Snow Monkeys found that the pickle juice went down easier when spiked with a little Schlitz Ice. Three hours, four kegs of malt liquor and $145 of cab fares later, the Snow Monkeys greeted the Velociraptor coach, The Rock, at the Riverwalk Hilton with a bath of four gallons of spiked pickle juice. The Rock was not amused.

"Listen up, Goodwin!!!" yelled the Rock at a press conference, addressing James Goodwin, the Snow Monkeys' coach. "What kind of man sends people for him, to the hotel of his opponent, to dump a tub of vegetable by-product of his opponent's head? On Sunday, we're gonna meet in the center of the Monkeydome field, man-to-man, face-to-face, without any vegetable by-product there to help you! And then, you know what? My Velociraptors are gonna gnaw and chew on your cute little monkeys...and then I'm gonna gnaw and chew on you!!! You'll be my dinner, Goodwin...and you won't have to smell what the Rock's cookin', CUZ YOU'LL BE WHAT THE ROCK'S COOKIN'!!!!!!" (Insert obligatory applause and cheers from 15,000 pimple-faced 15 year-old boys yet to discover girls.)

Goodwin immediately held a press conference in response, apologizing for the incident. "I'm very deeply sorry that my players engaged in such irresponsible behavior on Wednesday. Our organization regrets this incident and will establish means to prevent similar incidents in the future. I'd like to apologize to The Rock, the Virginia Velociraptors organization, all family members of Virginia Velociraptors employees, the State of Virginia, all Virginia residents, Virginia businesses, and anyone who has ever smoked a Virginia Slims. I'd like to also take this opportunity to apologize to all United Airlines customers for our deficiencies in service thisyear. United Airlines truly regrets the inconvenience. I'd also like to apologize for my birth...."

Nasser had a slightly different attitude upon returning. Addressing the Rock, Nasser was furious. "Obviously, mate, you're still full as a boot from the Schlitz, since my Snow Monkeys are out to shred your mates like an all-season steel-belted Firestone. And I'm serious about my shredding! When it comes to full-force hot-and-heavy unraveling action, I'm the dinki di!"

The Rock, still reeking of malt liquor, tersely responded on Saturday, "He's starting Lamar Smith. Now who's the one who's 'full as a boot'? Enough said!"

Coach Goodwin immediately apologized for any and all association between the San Antonio Snow Monkey organization and Lamar Smith.

OK, maybe only in San Antonio on the last item.

Observing from the Exhibition Bowl that the "government-by-players" project didn't work, the San Antonio Snow Monkeys decided to hire a coach and general manager on the night before their first game against the Sirius Stars. Given the mountain of pre-season mistakes, or at least given the use of the name "Fred Taylor" as a profanity in South Texas, the Snow Monkeys hired personnel that would be adept at public apologies.

"I'd like to announce that Jac Nasser will be our general manager and James Goodwin will be our coach," stated Snow Monkey owner James Waldecker at a Saturday afternoon press conference. "These gentlemen have performed wonderfully as the leaders of the Ford Motor Company and United Airlines respectively. So wonderfully, in fact, that if they don't receive a sabbatical at a professional football organization, they might actually put their companies out of business."

"I'd like to apologize to all the San Antonio Snow Monkeys and to all the citizens of South Texas," said Nasser in his introductory statement. "I want you all to know that we're doing everything we can to replace the tires...excuse me...replace Fred Taylor."

"If I could only tell you," said Goodwin, "just how bad we all feel about the lack of depth behind Joey Galloway, I would. And I'm so sorry about the cancelled flights. Whether it's missing flights, missing Jimmy Smith, Jimmy Smith missing flights, or excessive amounts of movies starring both George Clooney and Mark Wahlberg, I'm to blame! Please have mercy on me as I sacrifice myself on the altar of public opinion! YA GOTTA FORGIVE ME!!! PLEEEEASE!!!" Goodwin was immediately given a plush Care Bear toy to help him calm the sniffles.

Nasser and Goodwin were immediately placed aboard a well-deserved ride on the "puke express" to Sirius. Rumors in Texas by Sunday night indicated that the Snow Monkeys had conquered Outer Space, but at the expense of Joey Galloway's knee, and injuries to both Rob Johnson and Terrell Davis' ankles. Johnson is expected to be healthy next week against Virginia. If progress continues, he'll lose his headband too.