i want hope for humanity (myself)
i want justice for all those people out there who have no food no water no love no sex.
i want joy for those who cannot see cannot hear cannot feel happy.
i want something for myself.
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life as boring Well, today was pretty uneventful. Besides the usual boring classes and the grind in the Yearbook office, everything's fine. Student Council elections are coming up, and you know what this means. I'm going to be kicked out of office soon! hehe.
Well, amongst other things, I'm debating whether or not I should call Danny. I know I haven't mentioned him before, but here it is: He's a guy i met online, and it turns out that he's a neighbor of mine. A close neighbor. So we chatted, I invited him over, and we talked soem more. After some boring time trying to make conversation or just do whatever, we end up doing something that I think violated a 2002 New Year's resolution of mine. but I don't feel guilty. in fact, it was really nice. Since we live so close to each other, we could stay friends and all, but our so different lifestyles kinda makes me feel awkward. I never ever really fit in anywhere before, and I just don't know how I could adjust. Right now I'm just hoping that I will get to talk with Danny again, online or offline.
Okay kids! I'm moving!My blog will no longer be on this site as of April 2.
It will be hosted on a blogspot server. teh address will come soon on April 2, but until then, this site will still be upadted, and it will be slowly moved towards a aite dedicated to my own writing and Allen Ginsberg.
Well, I watched the Oscars for a while before callign ti a night. Congrats to Jennifer Connely for winnign Best Supporting Actress! She deserves it! What I don't get is why that award was the first one to be presented. But anyways, i was hoping to see the musical performances, but I had to go. Oh well. i will knwo tommorow, so I can wait. Maybe Rachel will update me on all that.
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just got my grade report today. I'm not happy at all. For my third quarter, my grades are actually a perpetual line of Cs. A C in Calculus. A C+ in Chem. A C in English. A C in PR history. And a C- in Spanish. I'm not surprised. I knew it was coming. I have no one to blame but myself. I know my mom is going to go ballistic when she sees it. My phone line is going to be cut off, by computer shut, my books maybe destroyed, and my activities heavily restricted. But it was predicted. The past quarter was another perpetual hell for myself. Student Council, Forensics, the newspaper, and the Yearbook have taken my time. So much that a few papers were handed in late, quizzes were missed, and make-up tests and quizzes not being able to be made up because time was short. It's horrible. It's not that i do not understand the stuff, mind you, (except maybe Calculus, but I'm actually getting it now.). There's just no time. This quarter I've taken tests and quizzes with barely any studying, depending on my past extensive reading and maybe some logic and reason. but I guess that's not enough. Sarah, my college counselor, believes that I should quit some clubs, especially the newspaper and the yearbook. I know that that is the logical thing to do, but she does not understand the fact that I can't. The newspaper I owe a debt to for starting me off in Saint John's, and my dedication to freedom of expression and ideas includes the newspaper. As for the Yearbook, I can honestly say that without me, there won't be a yearbook. As mentioned before, I am working on a plan for my Senior class. I want the yearbook to be my contribution to my class. It's supposed to be a multiple-person job, but I have kinda been left alone to do the work. I don't know what's wrong with my class. I already have problems getting them to hand in their Senior Pages. And the deadline is coming up. The deadlines for the Yearbook, Newspaper, my AP exams, and Student Council elections are coming up. And I don't know what I can do. I suffer from the curse of Mr. Nice. Damn my code of honor! It's gonna be hell. And if there is a Lord, please help me.
In preparation for my subsequent need to move my blog off Geocities, I am redesigning my site. (Yet again) in fact, i have decided to maintain two sites. one site will be solely for my blog. The other will be for my personal hijinks and whatever I see fit to unleash upon the major populace. The blog will be simple and updated (hopefully) fairly often. but geocities has forced me to make this move.
Sorry for not posting... but things have been a weird swirl lately. I'm currently caught up creating the Senior sections of my school yearbook, trying not to be overshadowed by some over-active Eigth Garder who's trying to (literally) steal the Seniors' thunder in the yearbook. I am currently trying to plan out a strategy, and I call it OPERATION:GLAM (SENIORS 2002). it will be in effect as of the following week, as i give every Senior a survey to fill out. It's just a preliminary plan, and I have been looking into my graphic design books to look for good layouts for the sections. i just hope my efforts pan out....oh, and about my dinner with Tais, well, she got rerally sick this week. I wanted to go and be there at least to console or just spend some time, but my mom tells me that i shouldn't go because she was sick. how is that!? I wanted to go BECAUSE she was sick. i haven't seen her in such a long time, and I know she needs some companionship right now. i had to cancel our dinner. i just hope she doesn't think I'm a jerk now....
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short on words
I haven't blogged in a while. I just didn't find anything interesting to blog about. Everyday's just about the same old routine. Wake up at 6AM form two or three hours of sleep, then experiencing a morning of the daily grind of education.
Some highlights:
1. Invitation to dinner with Tais and her Family on Thursday.
2. Yearbook computer got wiped under strange circumstances.How boring am I? Every day is just so... the same. What happened to spontaneity? What happened to inopportune events? this is Stanley, reporting from the Land of the Dead.
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I just added a bio to my web page, for those who want to know more about me.WARNING! Explicit picture that will make straight boys feel queasy!
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okay. i just updated my site...What do you guys think?
the edge of innocence
Last night my cousin celebrated her 15th birthday in the Marriot. it was a nice affair, started with the screaming of hysterical girls changing in my cousin's hotel room. As a guy, I can honestly say that I will never understand some of these strange female rituals. (Maybe that's why I don't date girls.) Well, as the oldest person amongst a barrage of 14-15 year olds, I found it very interesting to study such specimens in this environment. Ah, the innocence of youth!
Well, as the music blared and the people mingled, a clear split was to be seen. THE BOYS AND GIRLS STAYED DIVIDED! Ah, at the tender age of 14-15, the boys still feel awkward about asking girls to dance. of course there are some of those who have grown, and who have learned to ignore the peer pressure, and who managed to boogie away with girl(s). My 13-year old sister was in attendance, and I have had to avert my gaze, watching a guy wrap his hands aroudn her. (I'm supposed to be the liberal brother, but hey, I feel uncomfortable.) but anywhos, another part of the night involved my coming out to a few of these boys. And the response was great. no negativity. (In fact, I have yet to experience any negativity. I must be spoilt. After hearing all of those horror stories about gay-bashing and inundane fag-comments.) the funny thing was, they were even nice enough to ask if comments liek fag and anti-gay slurs offended or made me angry. they're really nice, these boys. they really surprised me.
Note to self: Don't let appearances deceive.
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Oh, before I forget, I wanted to leave you with a Ginsberg quote:I saw the best minds of my generation destroyed by madness, starving hysterical naked,
dragging themselves through the negro streets at dawn looking for an angry fix,
angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night,--Allen Ginsberg, Howl
summing up my life so far
Lately, I have been questioning myself. Most of my activities are over, such as Noche Puertorriqueña and Forensics, and my life is back to some semblence of order. But there's a dark side to this. My grades are in disarray. Three to four hours of sleep a night are common. Even on weekends. I have realized that I have put the needs of others above my own. My body's a mess, and so is my mind. I feel detached from my friends now, and while I do have time on my hands now, i feel that most of it is wasted just idlign away my time. I still have work to do, work I put off because I had *other preoccupations*.
I'm happy to say that I have not had or looked for sex for over two months. I've been ignoring my "buddies" for some time now, and the truth is, i don't want any. While yes, I do have lustful feelings and thoughts like any other human being, I think I have come to the point where I want a serious relationship based on mutual affection rather than just sex. I mean, sex is overrated. I hear guy friends talk about the girls they are with, and the sex, and all I can say is that I have no comment. I'm no prude, and I'm not inexperienced. Well, except maybe with girls. I have not done anything with a girl in my life. And while I may be curious sometimes, overall, give me a boi anyday. But the matter is, sex is an overrated thing. We are so bombarded with sex everyday in our lives, nothing is sacred anymore. The human body is a mystery to nobody. And what happens in the bedroom/car/bathtub/living room is fluffer for male and female bonding rituals.
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eureka!
Just got a brainstorm. I'm working on version 2.0 of my website. This will reflect my eventual move from geocities, and the continuance of my blog. I have a new look, and I'm very proud of it. I may preview it later this week, so I hope I can get some suggestions....
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I'm counting down to when I'll be moving!
21 days till I am kicked off by geocities because of their crappy disontinue of free FTP....
on my exterior problem
Am I fat? I looked myself square in the mirror, and admired my love handles. Sure, I get comments. Lots of comments. I never considered myself obese. But I guess people do see me that way, and I guess I have to accept it. I have always lived in a very delusional world about myself. I am in fact very self-conscious. Every comment made by people is a nagging thougth for the next few weeks. My sister told me about a friend who saw me and said , "He's huge!" Now it's nagging me. I don't know. I feel like I need to start vomitting my food now to get on a diet. i don't know. I think I will start my weight training again. I want to look good. but the thing is, the problem is getting me depressed. Every stinging coment comment I get about my weight makes me depressed, and when I am depressed, I eat, and when I eat, I get more problems. I don't want to sound like Fat Bastard, but it's a vicious cycle.
In the face of defeat
Okay, so we lost. The Saint John's Forensics team lost for the first time in 18 years. And we didn't even get 2nd place. We got fourth. But it's not our fault. I don't want to sound conceited, but we did our best. And we were clearly the more sophisticated and classy of them all. I just felt bad for those perfectionists in our team who felt their hearst shattered. But don't worry, in our drunken revelry celebration later that night, we had fun. We cried, we laughed, and most of all, we were happy. I myself was happy, because the ones who did win were my friends. And I knew they deserved. it.
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feelin' guilty
Dear Gaby S., if you read this, I want to say that I am sorry for shouting at you that morning when I suggested some ideas to you. I was being rude and inconsiderate. I shouldn't be telling you what to do. And I was in no position to shout at you at all. I have no excuse for it, and I just want to say that I hate this silence between us now. I miss you as a friend. And I do not want to lose that.Stan
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little update
Okay, so I haven't posted since that the one episode. I've been fine. My peice got changed again, back to Got Egg Roll form 2000. I feel like I've come full circle in my Forensics tradition in Saint John's. I had always lived in its shadow. It was the product of a depraved mind. The competition is on Saturday, and tonight we just had our Forensics Night. Carol and I hosted for the evening, and I think it went great. I got commented upon for my depravity and sick mind. I like to treat that as a compliment.
Among other things, this week I am suffering from a lack of sleep. I slept for an hour last night, two hours the night before, and three hours the night before the night before. My late nights are slowly getting to me, but I hope to do it. I have too much work at stake. Oh, and 7-11 ran out of French Vanilla Coffee. Oh the horror!
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IMPORTANT NEWS
okay, okay. I got an announcement to make.
As of this post, the One does not exist for me anymore. Me posting that info on this site was a huge mistake. it has caused too much uncomfortablity to my friends. And the One is irreparably straight (drunken toast to that) As of now, my heart will be set on my work and my own misc. lusts. I know I was dreaming an impossible dream, and was bordering on the line of maybe delusion. And if this delusion means that friends will be lost, I am prepared to destroy what illusions I may have. And I will console myself with the motto:"There are other fish in the sea."Life sucks.
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forensics update!
I have a Forensics piece written and memorized! I have taken the dramatic route, so I guess people should prepare for a different side of Stanley. I am building up my emotional energy for my performances... If only i had any emotion left in me as it is... I think I need to watch some sad movies.... Or read some more boy/boy romance stories. I think there should be more of those kind of stories. Thank God for Nifty!
I'm getting a headache trying to find a way to continue updating my blog after April 2, 2002. Damn those Yahoo people who bought over Geocities....
Options:
1. Move whole site to another server, that could be crappy and have lots of pop-ups.
2. Use blogger to update one page on another server, and continue using Geocities as the main web site. (most plausible) I just need a good, minimal ftp server....
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tripod is giving me problems uploading my web site using FTP. banners everywhere.... Must look for BETTER hosting service. Too cheap to pay for premium....
okay. I signed up with Tripod today, and i guess I have to move there. I am currently uploading up to Tripod, so, after April 2, I'm a Tripod User!
time to moveI got this e-mail rom Geocities today:
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Your FTP ServiceBeginning April 2, 2002, we will no longer provide FTP access as part of our free home page service.
Please note that Premium Members will not be affected by this change in service. Free members interested in continuing their FTP service are encouraged to consider our premium packages. All packages include FTP access, remote loading of images, ad-free pages, and much more. Packages start at just $4.95/month (plus a one-time setup fee).
If you decide not to upgrade your GeoCities web site, you can still upload files using the Easy Upload tool which is accessible within File Manager.
For additional help and information about GeoCities, visit our help pages at http://help.yahoo.com/help/us/geo/.
Thank you for using GeoCities,
The Yahoo! GeoCities Team
-----------------------------------------------------This just sucks. I need ftp to upload my blogs.... I guess i need to move. Any suggestions of any free homepage services with FTP access?
educating straight men on queer relationships
After breakfast with Mike and Rick today (Thursday morning), Mike asked me a question about gay couples. He asked about the myth that in gay relationships, there has to be a female and male roles filled out. This means that there will be a dominating half, and the other half will be submissive and somewhat feminine. I poo-poo that. Yes, I do admit that there are relationships like that. but i feel that the perpetration of such roles is due to what I call heterosexual relationship pressure the truth about gay relationships is that the most equal relationship has been formed. There is no pressure on either partner to be the submissive or dominating one. Each partner will find his own role in the relationship. Personally, I believe in equal relationships. I hate roles. Mike says that this idea was inspired from that fabulous movie The birdcage with Nathan Lane and Robin Williams. Nathan lane represents the "mother" role, while hairy Robin is the "father." While I do love the movie, it is such films that perpetuates gay stereotypes. Mike says that in a relationship, i will definitely be the "father". Bullcrap. I am personally a possibly in-between. Sometimes I want to be dominating, and sometimes I want to be submissive. I love children. And I ever have children, I want the relationship and the childcare to be a cooperative thing between my partner and me. Because it doesn't matter which parent is the mother or father. What matters is that both parents love their children.
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