Got Egg Roll?
When I first come to Beautiful Country, I had simple dream. I want American wife named Barbie! But that is time before I found my true love. When I got my first job at Mr. Chong's, he introduce me to new friend, the egg roll. Wrapped in her golden‑brown skin, she appeared before me like an angel of light. It made my heart beat with an excitement I had never felt before.
After that first sight, I work hard at Mr. Chong's. I wash dishes, sweep floor. But most important of all, I help prepare egg rolls for their destiny. I I work in the mornings, in the afternoon. I work in the evenings, and underneath the moon! (Kid Dance, embarrassed) I roll each filled skin up with the tender, loving care it deserves, and after frying the wonderful children of mine until golden brown, I send them out into the world to fulfil their destiny.
(Regular English)
That was five years ago. Right now, I have a dream. A dream of a place where people will not be judged by the color of their skin, but by the content of their egg rolls! A place where people can come together to share their love for egg roll. A place where the faithful can eat their egg rolls in harmony! My dream is.... McEggroll! Hmmm….McEggroll. Imagine the possibilities! Imagine…………… (Diabolical Look, Thinking)
(Do you feel that something is missing? Does every
day pass like a nightmare? Does your stomach crave good food and a better life?
If so, don’t lose hope. There is a solution. People who have read Egg Rolls
for Living have learnt about the wonders egg rolls can do. They have learnt
to forget about their own problems, and find solace with the one who cares,
the egg roll. Meet Joe Schmoe, from
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(McEggroll proudly presents: Billy Joel with his new smash hit, Chinese Man. “Make us an egg roll, Chinese Man, Make us an egg roll tonight….” And Ricky Martin with another hit, Eat Your Egg Roll, “Eat Your Egg Roll, Eat Your Egg Roll….”)
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Hey! Leggo my Egg Roll!
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(Hey little girls and chauvinistic males out there! Guess what? There’s a new Barbie on the block! See Barbie in her new outfit as an employee of McEggroll! Dressed in the classical mini skirt and tight blouse, McEggroll Barbie is sure to make your girlfriends scream with envy! But that’s not all. As an added bonus, McEggroll Barbie also comes with your own egg roll kit. And what do you and your girlfriends say? “I love your egg rolls, McEggroll Barbie!” Mattel does not take responsibility for any accidental choking induced by the product.)
Freeze
(As America’s word on gourmet foods, I, Mr. Lo Mein, have an image to upkeep. That’s why I am here today. 80% of all Americans are not getting their daily requirements of all the basic food groups. Now look at this fine specimen of an egg roll in my hand here. This egg roll has all the food groups beneath its golden skin, (munch) look at the lovely filling. Meat and vegetables to the core. What’s not to love? Have you eaten your egg roll today? Remember, you don’t have to be Chinese to enjoy the great taste of the egg roll. This ad is sponsored in part by The Egg Roll Institute of America and McEggroll, Rolled To Perfection.)
Freeze
(Hey Cannibals out there in Papua New Guinea, there’s another reason why you should go to your newest McEggroll! For now until forever in Papua New Guinea, McEggroll is offering a new combo on its “Real Combo” menu! Made from prime U.S. meat, the Egg Roll Humanus will definitely satisfy your carnal appetites! And for the small hunters out there, don’t let your parents escape from bringing you to McEggroll ever again with your purchase of a McEggroll Humanus. For a limited time, with every purchase of a McEggroll Humanus by a child, a Blow Dart with its own unique poison tip will be given away! There are over 523,890 different blow darts to be collected, so the next time your parents pick up their spears to go hunting, say no, and say, “I want my McEggroll Humanus!”
(Reawakening)
That was 60 years ago. My dream, the dream which won me the Fool of the Year Award, is finally a reality! The McEggroll Barbie was the best-selling toy of all time and the cannibals of New Guinea are some of my most loyal customers! Never have I had so many skulls of tribute in my fan mail! The success of my line of Egg Rolls for Living books has made me the guru of self-help books. You must have heard of them. Some titles include “We Are Egg Rolls, What Are You?”, “Wrap Yourself,” and my personal favorite, “Duck Sauce For the Human Soul.” Believe me, these books work wonders. But by far, my most successful accomplishment is the Church of the Sacred Sauce! Finally people have accepted my teachings! Together, the faithful and I congregate in the holiest of holies, the First McEggroll! We preach the love of the Egg Roll, and the eventual triumph of the Egg Roll Faithful against those who have oppressed us, the ones who hate chinese food. But vile is the punishment for these people. When they die, they will suffer the eternal torment of the Pool of Boiling Duck Sauce! Ha Ha Ha Ha!
Written By:
Stanley Fong