I can give you so many examples, but here's one I made up to illustrate my point. Suzie is a sweetheart of a girl and has been a good friend of Adrian's for years. The challenge in the relationship is that Suzie makes choices in life that jeopardize her financial and emotional security. She has one relationship problem after another. Each time she meets someone new, she abandons her independence, including her financial earnings and focuses only on the guy that has entered her life, who by the way, professes to love her and will take care of her financially. That care comes with excruciating strings for Suzie in many ways, not to mention the "easy way out." Suzie has repeatedly gone to Adrian requesting in one way or another for Adrian to bail her out. Adrian, who wants to be a good friend, has spent many late night hours talking to Suzie about the challenges she continually faces, she's put Suzie up nearly everytime Suzie broke up with her boyfriend of the quarter and then has loaned Suzie money to help her get back on her feet. What a good friend right? Wrong!!!!! First of all, Suzie needs to figure out how to take care of herself and prevent her life's stability from being jeopardized each time she meets a man. She needs to provide for her own welfare. Adrian's constant willingness to help Suzie really only enables Suzie's continued behavior. Suzie has nothing to lose because she always has Adrian to bail her out.
Now Adrian on the other hand feels guilty and obligated every time her friend calls. She resents having to fork out money she worked hard to earn to get Suzie back on her feet. Suzie also never pays Adrian back as she promises. Suzie truly means well but she just can't seem to deliver. Adrian feels that Suzie is capable of working but knows that Suzie can't or won't for a whole list of "valid" reasons. Suzie's sort of victim mentality is part of her nature. It may change some day but as long as she's got no skin in the game, so to speak, her behavior doesn't have to change.
I'm not saying leave your friends and family high and dry whenever they encounter a tough time. What I'm saying is listen to your intuition as to whether and how you should help. Throwing money at people who refuse to take care of themselves financially is a waste of your time and effort and will do the other person no good! Giving them the tools and moral/emotional support to replace their income on their own, now that will go a lot farther. The tough part is, sometimes people like being victims. They like setting themselves up in these dramatic situations. We can always choose whether, when and at what level to engage in these dramas were presented with.
Be a good friend. Be a good and responsible member of your family. Help in ways that will truly make a difference. Remember the proverb, "Give a man a fish and he eats for one day. Teach a man to fish and he eats every day."
Don't let people guilt you into "fixing" thier problems. The things people face are intended to teach them the lessons they came here to learn. If you continually interfere by "fixing" things for them, they can't learn and they won't progress. So, if a friend just needs $5 for lunch - hey no problem. We can all do that. But, if you've got someone continually leaning on you in a way that is unhealthy (and you can tell by the way it makes you feel) set your boundaries. Let them know you love them, that you care about them, and that you'll do everything you can to help them figure it out. But don't fix it for them. Don't rob them of the valuable experience.
This won't necessarily make you popular with these individuals but it will make you stronger inside. If you're caught up in the drama because you like to be "needed" you're part of the problem and should consider finding a way to be part of the solution. Of course, if these kinds of things don't bother you - then hey, live on and be happy - I certainly won't judge you. If you're involved with a Suzie or an Adrian, I challenge you to ask them a simple questions "What do you think you can do to make this better." Think about it!!!
