| Back at the Crossroads |
| For so long it seems I have walked this dusty unpaved road. The entire time was I trailed by this deep, dark, nebulous cloud that I was always able to keep just ahead of. I'd stop for breath at times only to find it unrelentless in its pursuit of me. A short time ago, I came to the crossroads and paused. I cried there for what feels like an eternity, the pause between hearbeats hurt me deeply and kept me from standing still for very long. I very much wanted to stay, really catch my breath and try to decide which direction it was that I wanted to take...but there just never was enough time to think about it with clarity. Although I could feel the dark cloud weighing on my very soul, I just kept my head down and continued walking, knowing what was behind me, not wanting to look back. "Move," I thought, just keep moving. When I tried to leave the crossroads, the path I had chosen gave way to a depthless abyss. I tried everything I could think of to go back, get around it, over it, underneath it...nothing worked. With the storm cloud gaining in intensity and darkness, I could now feel the lightening crackling, the thunder rolling and reverberating through my heart and soul. I realized that I had no choice but to stop, sit near the brink of the abyss and just let the storm over take me. It's no wonder I've journeyed so long. It wasn't a road to self-discovery before this moment, rather a road of escape for me from me. As the rain poured down I was soaked through and overwhelmed with raw emotion. I closed my eyes and clenched my fists in a futile effort to fight back the tears but the storm was relentless...gaining in intensity until I just couldn't deny it any longer. I did the only thing I could do then...I gave up... finding I wasn't strong enough to deny it or fight it and in an instant I was consumed. I relived years of rage, fear, insecurity, disappointment...the scenes where born were my lack of trust and my inability to let anyone in. Like a frightened child I sat rocking back and forth teardrops falling like and endless raging river. I cried and let loose the emotion until I felt my soul must surely be empty. Along with the release I was surprised by the acknowledgmenet for the part I played in each tear of pain. With the acknowledgement came a strange and peaceful understanding and with the understanding came the tiniest glimmer of light and hope. Hearing the silence, I opened my eyes and found I had been transported out of the storm...away from the abyss and back to the crossroads. At first I was shocked but I know exactly how I got here. It was just time. For the first time in my life, the blinding clarity showed me that in my haste to escape, time and time again, I had chosen the wrong road so many years ago. I took a good look around and found from my new perspective there were many roads to choose from and I momentarily thought about how I might have chosen better...but I stopped realizing how grateful I was for all that I learned. Now, with sunshine on my shoulders, clear mind and open heart, I'm choosing the high road. I know the walk will be long and the ascent difficult but I know now that it's not the destination that is important. It's the task of walking , reamining open to possibilities, remaining watchful of who and what crosses my path. Even though I feel a bit wounded as I embark upon this new road, I smile at the monumental discoveries I have finally made, acknowledge the pain I felt and set free and believe now that for once I am at peace because I'm waliking by choice instead of running from myself or anyone else. I take a deep breath, pause for a moment to enjoy the stillness between heargtbeats, and carefully I begin to walk again in the silence. I'm strong enough to travel beyond the crossroads in earnest this time. I know this is only because I've wethered the mother of all storms and now I know that truly, the best for me is yet to come. |
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