The5000 word (that ain�t really 5000 words) essay on what slavery means to me:
Well lets see where to start. Most, just about everyone would say that slavery is about control, and for them they would be right, but for me it is about freedom. Yes, you do control me, but it is only because I let you have that control. I am in this lifestyle because it is who I am, I have tried to be something other then who I am and it doesn�t work. I wear your collar because I want to be yours. It is something that I wouldn�t wanna change for the world. The thing is, I don�t need a collar to know my place, nor where I belong, and that is being yours, for as long as I can keep my head out of the clouds. You are my friend before you are my Master. Being your slave is now being to feel like second nature to me. I am who I am, and no one can change that, no matter how hard they try. I love and cherish the fact that you don�t try to change me. And ha ha baby, I�m yours forever� and you are mind forever. Grins�.
Being a slave is who I am. I want to please others, but I don�t have to be a slave to do that. I am not just a sex slave(<< doesn�t mean you are a slave), to anyone, nor will I ever. I will not allow myself to do that. That is not who I am. I have a mind and a mouth and will use both til the day that I die. (and after too.. lol) Sometimes I like to think that I am a slave so I don�t have to be who I am, but I am lying to myself. I wrote this, I think it was the last time I left you, it�s still true, it is what I do, and how I feel about myself, �all alone, in a cold, dark place, shivers and tears, run down the skin, pushes harder and harder, deeper and deeper, never alone, in a cheerful place, giggles and smiles , cover the face, keep on hiding, don't come out, put on the mask, and head on out, no one will know, keep a straight face, keep it in deep, don't let it out, all alone, in the small place, is where it hides, it's evil head, hide from the light, show you are all right, likes this place, the cold, the darkness, the screaming echoes, the tears, the thoughts, all to your self, the darkness fades, your skin warms up, the tears fade, take a chance, once more, leave your place, the fire ignites, nice and hot, open your eyes, the fire dies, one spark is all it take, to light the fire deep inside, making you true, who you are, burning away the fear, eyes open, blackness, body shivers, a fantasy, lock the doors, no one gets in, no one gets out, tears fall, the echoes come back, close eyes and back to the fantasy, only thing you will know, all alone, in the dark, cold place� being a slave means that I shouldn�t have to hide, but I do, I have done it all my life. I never let anyone inside, yes you have gotten in, but I never let you see. It is because I am scared of what you are gonna see. But after yesterday, that has changed, I am able to let you see a little more. I don�t have to hide anymore, well some what. I�m not gonna give up everything at once, it is hard enough for me to give you what I am right now.
A collar, brand, tattoo, tags, whatever, just shows everyone else who I am, and who I belong to, you. But I don�t care who knows. Shit I could not exist to the world and I would be happy knowing that I was yours. It scared the shit out of me when that happened to razi, I didn�t know what to do or what to say. I told you once before (as figure) that it is easier for me to be someone else to tell you how I feel then to be myself. it does not matter who I am (jaggie, froggie, hyper, razi, lily) I will always be Lona. Doesn�t matter to me if I can show myself off or not. Because that is not slavery to me. Nor is being a �prized� slave (like I know I am� bats lashes) or looking good for others, show offs, and what nots. True slaves know who they are, and don�t let anyone change them. (so I am just gonna be a spoiled sassy little brat forever.. :P)I think that I have came a long way since I first met you and hope that is was for the better.
Control, domination, pain, trust, and ownership are words that are used in d/s, but people forget about love and freedom. Control is only in the mind, either I am gonna give it up or not. You on the other hand, you can, somehow, can control me even when I fight it, but I can fight it, somewhat. I think I let you have it, deep down, no matter what I want to say. It is never gonna matter wither I wear your collar or not, because my heart aches to be controlled by you. Freedom from having to understand what and why I am who I am. All that matter is that you know. I don�t even have to know anymore. All I have to know is that I belong to you. Domination can be many things. Just be the big ol dom that you are, and I will still love ya. It is about finding away to dominate someone, not because you have the power, but, like I have said before, I give you that right to do that to me. I like being not having any power. (ok yes yes I finally said it), but it is true. And will always be true. I don�t feel like anyone else has ever had the power over me like you do. That is what domination is about. Giving someone something they need, (and I need it�.. lol) and to let me be who I am, no matter how I am, freedom. Pain is the physical need that comes from d/s. to some it has to be very little, or not at all, and for others it is all of it. For me, it is a sweet release from the world. I just don�t know anything but what is happening. This goes back to the freedom part, freedom from everything, except you.
The one thing that you do need for any three of them things to work is trust. I must trust you that you won�t do wrong by me. But I also gotta trust myself to let go, to know that I will be ok, no matter what. I didn�t that I was gonna have to learn to do that, not trusting you, that part is easy for me to do, but trusting myself, never done that before and it is hard to just drop my guard. If I don�t trust myself then how can you trust me? It�s not that I can�t do it, it�s because of fear. Fear of everything, I never thought that I could feel this way about someone, but I did, and now I just have to give it up. Yesterday made it a lot easier to do that. It�s not all the way there but it is close. Just gotta trust myself that I know what I am doing and let you in to help get over the things in my past and give me the freedom from my fears.
Ownership. It is a simple word but it means so much to one person, me. Doesn�t like to think of myself as something you can own, but shit, you have the right to do what every you want to me. I am learning that it means much more then just a collar. Letting myself be owned is a hard thing to do. It scares the living day light out of me. 5 month, in one collar, its hard to think that last year, I would never have made it. I am a slave that needs to be free, but I am learning that I can have that and be owned at the same time, because you give me the freedom from and to lose myself. I know that is an odd thing to say, but look at why we have been thou in just the last 6 months, and what I have been able to do.
A big part of d/s that doesn�t have to be around is love. With us it is there. And I am happy about that. Love can come in many ways and you never really know what it is until you lose it, and well I thought, really thought that I lost you, for good. Had me scared half to death. I don�t know what I would do ifI couldn�t love you anymore. This is what you do to me > "Love takes off masks that we fear we cannot live without and know we cannot live within." Now I feel like I can be who I am, not only the slave part, but everything. I want to learn love you with everything that I have, if I don�t already. Being a slave helps me love you more, but it is not what make me love you. Yes I love my Master, but I also love the man within him. I would be lost without his love, your love. My love is one think that you can�t control, I control it, and give it freely to you. (freedom to love who I want to love). I told a friend, that I am collared to you real time but not real life. She didn�t know what it meant. Well it means that at any point in the day, week, month, I belong to you. In all sense of the word being owned (without really being owned, cuz you would have to buy me from John.. lol) that is what is means.
So why do I want to be a slave?
Well, I be a online slave because if gives me something to do.. lol� but I am more then just that. Online and off line. I am a person, but soon I will be a slave before that. I want to be a slave because it gives me freedom from myself, mostly. I don�t have to think about myself, I have to think about you. It is freedom from my fears, because now they are yours too, and I don�t have to deal with them all myself. It is just freedom from anything and everything. I thought like that before I came to gor too. I am still never gonna be a gorean slave. And you know that. Don�t think like them, nor do I want to describe myself the way I really look. I don�t think anyone would like that very much. So I do my best and do what I can do. And you can just live with that.
I gotta learn to pick my battles, and what to let in. but I don�t want to hold anything back, nuthing. But because of the fear that I have, things don�t get said, but I don�t want them to be said. If you haven�t figured it out yet, I�m a bit nuts (a bit?!?) sometimes I don�t know what I am doing until it is too late, nor sometimes can I see what is right in front of my face. Sometimes I take things to hear that I shouldn�t. I know that I am a fool, a stubborn fool that is, I know I shouldn�t have read into some of what you said, but can�t help it. Instead off staying somewhere and hearing things that are gonna make me bad I will just leave, I can�t get mad over what someone said, if I don�t see them saying it. I will do what ever I can to make what I did up to you, even if that means telling everyon on yahoo that I am the luckiest, most fool hearted slave there is, then be it. I isad what I had to say and that will be the end of it.
but well don�t know what else to say about it without just making up shit, and you know that I can�t do that� sooo like it or not, but I can�t make it to 5000 words. I think just telling you this stuff should be part of the punishment b/c now you know more about me then I every wanted anyone to know. Right now I feel very weak, and strong at the same time. Feel very vulnerable too, but not scared. Yesterday was a good thing, because I would have felt scared with you knowing this. I am nothung but an open book to you now. Some pages my still be locked, but I think you can break them, cuz you tamed me with out breaking my spirit. And for that I will forever be grateful. I hope that you could, someday forgive me for what I said, (and didn�t say). I love you like there is no tomorrow and will be forever by your side. No matter what I do, or say, please remember that. After last night I know that you care about me, more then I could have ever thought possible.