Name: Patty

Email: [email protected]

Title: Cat on a Hot Clay Webb

Rating: PG-13

Category: Best Comedy

Sarah MacKenzie’s Apartment

Georgetown

0257 hours

<Re-ooow>

"Ooomph! What the hell…?"

"Mmm...what’s the matter, Clay?"

"There’s something in here."

"What are you...uunngg...talking about?"

"There’s something alive in here."

"That’d be you and me."

"No. Something just landed on my chest. Where’s my Glock?"

"Oh...*yaawwnnn*...that’s my cat."

"Your what?!"

"Cat. You know? C-A-T."

"I know what a cat is, smart ass."

"Good boy. Harvard man."

"When did you get a cat?"

"Didn’t. More like he got me."

"The cat picked you?"

"Something like that."

"And you just allowed it?"

"Sure. Don’t tell me you never pulled a ‘Look what followed me home, Ma, can I keep it?’ ploy on your mother?"

"Uh...actually, no."

"You poor deprived child."

"I thought you were a dog person."

"I’m an equal opportunity pet owner."

"Hey! What’s it doing?"

"*Yaaawwwnnnnn.* Sounds like he’s purring to me."

"No! On my chest! With his claws!"

"Clay, he doesn’t have his front claws. Quit being such a baby. He won’t hurt you."

"Now he’s spinning around. What the...he’s curling up on my chest!"

"How sweet! He made his bed on you."

"I am NOT a cat mattress!"

"I should think not. At least, not without being formally introduced. Clayton Webb, meet...*yaaawwwnnnn*... Dewey Cat."

"Dewey Cat?"

"Yeah. He picked me up outside the library. Seemed appropriate."

"You always bring strange men you meet at the library home to sleep with you?"

"May I remind you that it’s not *my* chest he’s camped out on at the moment?"

"Does that mean he’s gay? ‘Cause I don’t think I’m his type."

<Chuckle.> "Clay!"

"Oh, great! Now he’s bathing himself on me!"

"A clean cat is a happy cat."

"Very funny. He starts licking his balls on me and he is outta here!"

"You’re just jealous because he can do it and you can’t."

"You’re right...any volunteers to do it for me?"

"Pig."

"No, cat. C-A-T. Hear the purr?"

"You know, your 3 am humor isn’t nearly as good as your 7 am humor. Why don’t you go back to sleep and try again later?"

"I can’t sleep. There’s a cat on my chest."

"*I* can sleep with *you* on *my* chest."

"That’s different."

"He’s comfortable."

"Well, I’m not. I can’t move."

"He obviously likes you."

"Wonderful! We’ll go pick out a china pattern in the morning!" <Sigh.> "I’m not going to win this, am I?

"I doubt it. But if you two want to step outside for a little man-to-man, don’t let me stop you."

"So, if 7 am comes and I decide I want to have my wicked way with you, does he have to watch?"

"Absolutely not!"

"Okay, then he can stay where he is."

"You’re a good man, Clay. Kind to widows, small children, and household pets."

"You sure he can’t scratch?"

"Go to sleep, Clay!"

"Where’s the litter box?"

"In the bathroom."

"He knows how to use it?"

"Go to sleep, Clay!"

"He purrs awfully loud, doesn’t he?"

"Not nearly as loud as you complain!"

"Hey! He’s spinning again! He just stuck his ass in my face!"

"That’s it!"

SLAM!

<Re-ooow?>

"A girl’s gotta have priorities, right Dewey?"

10/28/03

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