TheLoreofthePinkGoddess

The Lore of the Pink Goddess

(By Helen Louise Hawkes)

This is the beginning of the world according to the followers of the Pink Goddess. This is the TRUE version of events, contrary to all that has been taught over the years, due to the true lore being lost over the years.

In the beginning there was nothing. Nothing except the Pink Goddess. One day he paused from his aerobecising and spake thus:

"Is it me, or would it be nice if there was a world here?"

There being no one to answer him, he continued spaking thus to himself for several millennia until he finally got his act together and created some pink plasticine as it was cheaper than clay.

He made a world from this cheap pink plasticine. He made lands and oceans and mountains and deep, deep caverns. He looked at his world and realised that he couldn't see anything because it was dark. So he spake thus:

"OK then, let there be light." And there was light, streaming softly from a low-energy light bulb as they are cheaper, and the Pink Goddess saw that it was good.

He divided the time into two halves, one dark and one illuminated by the low-energy light bulb, and called them night and day. And the Pink Goddess saw that it was good.

He made creatures from this cheap pink plasticine. Creatures that ran on land and swam through sea and flew through air. But he seemed to have miscalculated slightly as they all managed to fall, whether they walked or swam or flew. So he made some new creatures and put the defective ones in a shed at the bottom of his inter-stellar garden.

These new creatures were unruly though, so he thought to create a creature that would have dominion over all the others. He took the last of his cheap pink plasticine and forged a creature which he called Man. And the Man's name was Alan.

The Pink Goddess bade him to give names to and to befriend all the animals. This Alan did. Then Alan came to the Pink Goddess and spake thusly to him:

"Yo, Pink dude, I'm lonely, I need company, make me a girl so that I can annoy her."

The Pink Goddess looked at Alan and asked how much he wanted company. Alan replied that he would give his right arm for someone that could actually speak, and so the Pink Goddess tore off Alan's right arm and made a creature, Woman, out of it. And the Woman's name was Laura. Then Alan got quite agitated, for he still had only one arm, and bade the Pink Goddess to give him his arm back. The Pink Goddess spun him a new arm out of nothingness, spaking:

"Oops! Silly me!"

And he clothed them in pink lycra, showing their superiority over all creatures in the garden called the Spaz Farm. And yet he forbade them to eat the fruit of the Melfish tree, saying that it was the root of all things evil and would bring them great unhappiness and Jim Carey.

Then the Pink Goddess withdrew, leaving them in blissful happiness. They lived for some time like this, until one day, Laura happened across a strange being hiding behind a tree opposite the Melfish tree. The being was large, well over six feet, had five points serving as its body and was pink. It spake thusly:

"Psst! Hey Lycra Girl! Try the Melfish, its delicious!"

Laura refused, spaking:

"No way, pointy guy. The Pink Goddess has forbidden it unto us. It is the root of evil and unhappiness and Jim Carey and stuff."

The Starfish, for that is what it was, spake:

"Nah, he just doesn't want you to know everything. It's a knowledge tree. It's not the root of evil and unhappiness."

Woman spake thoughtfully,

"What about Jim Carey?"

The Starfish looked uncomfortable. ";Well, yes, Jim Carey, but not the other things. Eat some."

And so, Laura, tempted by the Starfish, plucked a Melfish fruit from the Melfish tree. And she carried it to her husband and bade him to try some.

And so Alan and Laura tasted the forbidden fruit of the Melfish tree and screamed aloud when they felt its effects. And they knew all about good and evil. And Jim Carey was made known to them, which is when their screams were loudest. And they looked down upon themselves and saw that they were clothed in pink lycra and that they looked ridiculous and so they tore the lycra from their bodies and gloried in their un-lycra'd-ness.

The Pink Goddess returned from his cosmic flouncing and came even unto the Spaz Farm. Sensing something wrong, he called for Man and Woman.

"Yoo hoo! Where are you? What have you done?"

They came sheepishly from behind the bush they had been hiding behind and showed themselves to the Pink Goddess. He gasped and roared in a slightly less camp voice:

"Where is your stylish pink lycra? You must have eaten the Melfish fruit! Who has done this to you?!"

Alan pointed to Laura and she stepped forward.

"It was the Starfish, Pink Goddess. He has done this to us."

Then the Pink Goddess turned to Alan and spake:

"Why did you let Woman do this thing? She was created to be under your dominion."

And Woman turned away with a sound suspiciously like a snort. The following mutterings were heard:

"As if I would let HIM command me. Good grief, it's as if equal rights never happened!"

And Alan fell on his knees in front of the Pink Goddess.

"Master, Divine One, forgive me! It was Jim Carey! The Grinch made me do it!"

The Pink Goddess turned away in disgust, spaking,

"You could have stopped her. Where is this despicable starfish?"

It stepped out from behind the Melfish tree and spake thus:

"I'm here. And that's Mr Despicable Starfish to you!"

The Pink Goddess spake in a terribly quiet voice:

"I will punish you. All three of you. Individually and together. You will all be expelled from the Spaz Farm. You," He turned to the Starfish, "I will shrink you. You shall no longer be towering, but only five centimetres tall. Your power shall be lessened and you will be hated and feared by all, because of your colour. You shall no longer have the blessed colour of pink, but you shall be Purple!" He turned to Woman. "You, Laura, shall be cursed with pain during childbirth and period pain and you shall have P.M.T. You shall also be forced to spend time in the company of Man for evermore!" He turned to Man and pitied him, because the mark of Jim Carey was more evident on him than any of the others. "You, Alan, shall be cursed with

having to cook your own pizza. You shall flounce and have a gay arse. You shall also have to put up with Woman's P.M.T. Now all of you; GO!"

And so Man and Woman were turned out of the Spaz Farm. And to make sure that they kept Jim Carey out with them, the Pink Goddess set a Siamese mushroom called Amy to guard the Gates. And no one dared to enter, because she demanded stories about rabbits from all who came near and constantly asked someone called George where her mouse was.

That is the end of the story of the beginning, according to the Lore of the Pink Goddess.

Thanks be to the Pink Goddess.

(Please note that no humans, Starfish, Siamese mushrooms or extremely rare Melfish trees were harmed in the typing of this story. Thank you.)

(Also please note that many of the things in the context of this story are private jokes in our circle of friends and this is purely to inform the world, thanx)