TITLE: I Know 

AUTHOR: Jade 

E-MAIL ADDRESS: CmdrJade@aol.com 

DISTRIBUTION: Anywhere, just tell me first. 

SPOILER WARNING: Anything in the 8th season up to Roadrunners. 

RATING: PG 

CLASSIFICATION: V, First person POV 

DISCLAIMER:  None of the characters mentioned here are mine.  I'm not making 
any money off of this, so please don't sue me.  You wouldn't get much 
anyway... 

SUMMARY: Doggett reflects on the last case and Mulder. 

**************************************************** 

I know I'm not Mulder. 

I know good and well I could never replace him.  And I'm not trying to.  

I try and fool myself into thinking I'm just here because it's my job.  But, 
the truth is, I'm staying because of Scully.  Because I know how much she 
needs him. 

She ditched me on this last case.  I know Mulder and Scully would've been out 
there together.  They mostly did everything together.  Even their *names* go 
together, for God's sake.  Scully and Doggett.  Doesn't have that same ring. 

I know she doensn't want me as a partner.  I know everything's she's been 
through hasn't been easy for her.  It's not easy for me, either.  I know 
who's shoes I'm filling.  Or trying to, for that matter. 

When I found Scully, tied to that bed, screaming for my help, there was only 
one thought running through my head.  *Why can't I be Mulder?*  Over and over. 

I know he could've given her the comfort she so desperately needed.  I know I 
didn't come anywhere close.  I knew how much safer she would've felt if I 
were Mulder.  I know how much more Mulder would've done for her.  He would've 
known exactly what to do or say.  Or maybe fake it really well.  I just 
fought for my own composure. 

Sometimes I wish I were Mulder.  I wish I could make this so much easier for 
Scully.  I wish she could begin to trust me. 

I know there's a bond between Mulder and Scully that make them the pair they 
are.  There's something there that's never seen between any other agents.  I 
know I can't take away the pain Scully's feeling from having half of her 
heart ripped out.  I wish I could at least be of little comfort. 

I know I'm not Mulder.  But, sometimes, for Scully's sake, I wish like hell I 
was. 

*********************End************************ 

Author's Notes: I've heard a number of people say they didn't like Agent 
Doggett because he'd never amount to Mulder.  This was just my way of showing 
how he *knows* he's not Mulder, and he's doesn't want to be.