HEINOUS MOSS ATTACK IN TRANSIT TUNNEL 

December 13, 2001

SEATTLE, WA (JP)  A giant mass of moss found it's way to the Metro Transit tunnel in downtown Seattle last night just before midnight.  Bob Steiffer, a homeless man who had snuck into the tunnel to sleep was woken by something tightening around his leg.

"I felt the thing wrap around my leg and sure as hell knew that it wasn't no rat!" Steiffer told JP about his ordeal,  "I kicked at it thinking someone was trying to steal my wallet, but it made this weird noise like a plugged toilet."

Seattle Police Units arrived on the scene after Steiffer ran up the stairs to the door of the Bon Marche.  A janitor, Russell Jumsen, heard Steiffer's screams and called 911.

"I was taking a break in women's lingerie and I heard this maniac screaming by the Westlake mezzanine entrance.  I figured it was some drunk that got locked in so I called the police to come get him out of there."

Jumsen went on to say that when he walked around to see Steiffer, he spotted a green, mossy vine making it's way toward the distraught man.  Steiffer then ran to the elevator and was able to safely close himself inside.  Police arrived on the scene shortly after midnight.  One officer told JP that he had heard of moss attacks on the eastern coast of Nova Scotia, but never in the U.S., let alone here at home.  Police cornered the moss and were able to throw a tear gas canister into what appeared to be it's "mouth".  After a few seconds, the canister detonated and this bizarre life form quit movement.  Grebel Landscaping was called to the scene with a mulching truck and the moss was shredded and taken to a local incinerator.

"In my 28 years on this police force,  I've never seen anything like this before" says Seattle police officer Dennis Forrester, "It sure scared the (expletive deleted) out of me!"

©2001 JP                                                                                                                                                

Woman burns computer, vows revenge
November 24, 2001

BELLEVUE, WA (JP)  A 31 year-old woman enraged at Microsoft's MSN Messenger Service set fire to her computer Saturday night after two days of not being able to log on to the popular instant messaging program. 

Jade Press has learned that Mrs. DeWitt has stormed up her street and crashed the Microsoft campus in Redmond, WA demanding to speak with Bill Gates and his MSN "Clown Outfit".  Microsoft spokesperson Nancy Bledsow stated that Mr. Gates was aware of the issue, but offers no statement.

Town Grump Wakes Up Smiling
December 12,2001

BELLEVUE, WA (JP) Nobody knows what happened.  Nobody can explain the sudden and unexpected sunny disposition of Will DeWitt. 

DeWitt, known as the town grump, awoke Sunday morning and kissed his wife on the cheek.  Shocked, Jade DeWitt looked up at her husband only to see her husband smiling gleeful at her. 

"I got up from my chair and went back into the bedroom to see if I was still sleeping.  I couldn't believe it when I realized I was awake!", Mrs. DeWitt said with amazement. "I thought it was one of those 'Men in Black' things where the alien takes the husband's skin, only mine became friendly."

JP contacted SETI and NASA for reports of any sightings of extra terrestrial landings, but both agencies had negative readings over the course of the last 3 months.

"I've taken up religion in hopes that my prayers will remain answered" says Mrs. DeWitt of her new found husband.

©2001 JP

Giant rat climbs atop Space Needle
May 18, 2004

SEATTLE, WA (JP) Amusements at Seattle Center were stopped today and people were escorted out of the Observation deck while city officials scrambled to find a way to remove a giant rat that had perched itself atop the Space Needle.  The rat had entered downtown Seattle and climbed up the KIRO-7 building where it sniffed around the helipad before leaping up to the top of the Seattle landmark.

Witnesses first observed the rat walking northbound on 5th Avenue from Westlake Center.

"I was eating in the food court and facing out the window toward the Monorail when I saw this giant rat walking past.  I couldn't believe what I was seeing!" said Mike Purcelli, a Westlake shopper.

City officials at the time of this publication were still unable to find a solution to removing the rat, but will be working overnight to find a solution.  Seattle Center will remain closed until further notice.  For information call (206) 555-2541.  JP will keep you posted as this story develops.

©2004 JP