***
The rain was pouring steadily that night. It seemed to be a fad this summer, but me and my four best friends hardly noticed. Who would when your surrounded by the amazing women that I've had the pleasure of sitting by?
Cups of coffee and discussions of our day are irrelevant, but somehow a necessity to the reality we were all facing.
We were five women, living in a world full of men, sex, drugs, terrorism, and just about everything evil under the eye of god. The above is true for everyone, but the next fact makes us different.
All five of us, amazingly enough, were gay. There are a few different reactions you could have to this, but if your reading it, I'm assuming your not one to hunt us down. Thank god for that because I've been followed by enough women and men in my lifetime, thank you very much.
Well, now that you know there are five gay women, why don't we move onto some details shall we?
I'm sure it would be appreciated if you knew just who it was that your listening to. I'm nobody special, that's my friends. I'm just an observer and probably the luckiest woman alive. During the entire seven years of my friendships with theses women I've endured much. It's never been easy, but it's never been hard. It was just the same tired shit we all go through.
My name is Johnny Carmine, and I'm a woman. I'm not even gonna try to explain my name, because to be totally honest I haven't the slightest idea. My parents John and Judy Carmine are very.. interesting people that I love very much. They are also something I don't look forward to understanding.
Don't get me wrong. These two people are wonderful, having raised me when they were both reaching their mid-forties and making me the person that I am today. I'm grateful that I was lucky enough to have them in lives. I'm just saying that they made growing up quite an adventure.
John and Judy lived on one of the best streets in the small city I grew up in. They had a large house, a backyard, a cottage on the lake lovingly named Lake Winneceptic, and they had me, the daughter everyone loved. Except for John and Judy's real daughter, Sarah. She didn't seem to like the arrangement all that much.
As much as I hate to admit it, John and Judy are not my real parents. I have no idea who is and it doesn't matter to me if I find out or not. Genetics don't mean that much to me, it's love that matters. That's exactly what these two people gave to me and their daughter.
It seemed that I was the only one who wanted it.
Sarah was always talked about. She had beauty at one time but decided to take it away by shaving off her long blonde locks and her perfectly arched eyebrows. Then, she covered her body in obscene tattoos and piercings.
I didn't have a problem with it then and I don't have one now. Neither did John or Judy and I guess that's what drove Sarah over the edge. She ran away from home three months later to stay with a homeless guy she'd met in Milwaukee who I'm told said he had a mansion in Paris and was only doing this because it was being sprayed for bugs. Sarah believed it.
Discovering the lie, she came home crying and realized just how shitty her treatment of her parents had been and had all her piercings and tattoos removed. She now lives next door to them, has her own law firm and a husband that loves her dearly. Two children complete her life.
It amazes me how she could turn her life around. She spent most of her teenage years yelling at the Carmines and tellin them to go to hell when they'd bought her a car and wanted a picture with her next to it. Now, she's the stereotypical mother with the son, daughter, and baby on the way. She's closer to mom that ever and I'm happy for her.
Our relationship has also grown. I'd always been the one she'd hated the most, saying that I was the reason they never paid any attention to her or punished her. Because my good behavior had mellowed them out. I don't understand this at all, but hey, whoever knows what they're talking about as a teen?
Back to me. I never went through a rebellious stage. I just helped around, thankful that I even had parents. They'd taken me in when I was but a wee child and had brought me up into a woman. That's pretty much it. I took piano, I was in plays, I wrote, and all of my own free will. They're support helped a lot though.
I wasn't the most popular girl in school, but I made it a point to stay on the good side of as many people as possible. I was that one girl that no one could hate and you can bet it came as a shock to me when one of my first girlfriends said I was a bitch.
College was another good experiance. That's where I met the first of my four best friends. She was also my first girlfriend. We tease eachother about it now, but back then I'd like to think we were truly in love. At least, I know I was.
Of course, how would I know what love feels like the first time around? I suppose most of the love was out of respect. Rebecca seemed to know everything about everyone and that amazed me. It also entised me so it should be obvious to you all now just why I became a lesbian.
Okay, become isn't really what it was. I've always know, somewhere deep inside that I wasn't comfortable with the male species and that the idea of something being shoved up me wasn't the most pleasant thought, but the possibility that I was a lesbian never reached my concious mind. One of lifes little mysteries eh?
I graduated college with the blessings of all my proffesors and with the first girl I'd ever loved. Things were going great. Rebecca and I moved in together, bought a cat and matching towels. My mother, who had always supported us, was just waiting for me to call and announce our engagement.
She too became surprised when I said that we were over. I wasn't the one who had said it to Rebecca however. She'd said it to me.
The dinner had been cooked by myself and we were eating our fried rice and miso soup when she said it.
"I'm leaving." She'd become the traveling agent for a new advertising firm and was often sent to various locations at any given time, so her words hadn't surprised me.
"Great. So, where are they sending you this time?"
"No, J, I'm leaving as in going away. Moving out." I'd blinked at her, then again, and again... It went on for awhile before her words sank in.
"Your LEAVING?!!" I was losing my control and I don't do that very often so Rebecca knew she was in deep shit.
"Honey, calm down-" she approached me, but I was feeling a little betrayed and the last thing I needed was the betrayers hands on me.
"NO! Stay away from me!! How could you do this to me?!! I thought we were in love, I thought this was what we needed that-"
"What, that we were gonna get married? Look at us Johnny. Look at us." She grabbed my shoulders and forced me to look her in the eyes.
"We are lesbians, in a world full of intolerence and close mindedness. We are in love, but we define it differently. I love you, Johnny, but I'm not in love with you. I care about you and I'm happy for what we've had but you can't tell me that you see us together forever?"
I'd looked up at her then. She was right and I hated it. I didn't want to admit that these past four years had been slightly lacking in the swooning love department. Why hadn't I seen it before?
My tears had ended and we talked. Really talked about stuff we hadn't found the time to say before. It felt good and the next day she left.
That was the end of one stage of my life, but it was certainly one of the best. Only second best though, compared to my life now. I'm met the other three in one way or another, each unique in it's own way.
But that's a story for another time. For now, I'm going to enjoy this moment and hope to god that it never ends.
"And then, Chino decides that the best gift was a mink coat!!" We all laugh and I take a sip from coffee.
Yep. This is as good as it gets. God help me.
-Johnny Carmine, July 31, 2002