See Part One for full disclaimer and author’s notes.
CODE OF HONOR
Part Three
Word of Sam’s capture and subsequent escape had spread rapidly throughout the SGC and now that she was well on her way to recovery, the tale of what had happened on -035 was quickly becoming a full blown SG-1 legend. In a command like the SGC, ‘hero’ was a term not often used when describing one of their own, but Sam and SG-1 came as close to it as anyone on base.
As Daniel entered the commissary to refill his coffee mug, the hushed conversations that reached his ears were more often than not concerned with Sam. The gossip was something he had come to expect, even if he wasn’t all that comfortable with being the subject of it. But this time it was different, the tone of the talk held more awe than normal. SG-1’s escapades often bordered on the fantastic, but it was somewhat unusual that a member of the team found themselves captured alone, having to rely solely on his or her own grit and determination to escape.
This time, rather than being embarrassed, Daniel found himself feeling more than a little bit proud of Sam and her ability to get herself out of a harrowing situation on her own. He had always known Sam was a survivor, but what he hadn’t realized was just how much her toughness had inspired other members of the SGC. When he overheard one table describing her as a ‘kick ass officer with a spine of solid titanium’, he found himself silently agreeing wholeheartedly.
It had been two days since Sam had finally awakened from her fever and the Doc had agreed to let her go home later that afternoon. While she seemed fine, Daniel couldn’t help but worry that she was being allowed to leave too soon. Knowing that Sam would accuse him of being a mother hen, Daniel had kept his reservations to himself. It wasn’t as though Sam was alone any longer, after all. He suspected that Jack would be on hand should she need anything.
Walking back toward his lab, Daniel found his mind wandering back over the last few days, wondering if perhaps they had all been more profoundly affected than they had been willing to admit. He had struggled with his own guilt over leaving Sam behind, his rational mind, knowing it had been the right thing to do at the time, warring with the emotional part of him that had grieved over the decision. He knew he wasn’t alone. Jack and Teal’c had both been typically tight lipped anytime he had attempted to bring up the subject, but they had both been unusually quiet in general.
Jack had buried himself in his work, taking time out only to visit Sam in the infirmary or spend a couple of minutes scarfing down a meal from the dining hall. Daniel was pretty sure he hadn’t left the base for more than a few hours in the last four or five days. Not that the archaeologist blamed him. If their roles had been reversed, and it was someone he loved, he wouldn’t have wanted to leave either.
Teal’c had been nearly as bad. When he wasn’t spending time going over the
strike plans and training schedule with Jack and Colonel Reynolds, he was most
often working out in the base gym or meditating in his quarters. Daniel hadn’t seen Teal’c meditate so much
since Shau’nak had died, and had been looking for an excuse to call the big
But so far his not so subtle inquiries had been firmly but politely deflected. He knew that if he was carrying around this much guilt, Teal’c was likely feeling it even more so. The former First Prime had spent his lifetime living by a code that didn’t allow for leaving comrades behind during battle. An action he had been forced into by circumstances well out of his control, to be sure, but that fact likely made it even harder to live with.
It wasn’t as though they hadn’t had to make difficult decisions in the past; decisions that could have easily resulted in their deaths several times over. But over time, they had come to be more than just a team. Perhaps more than family, their friendship and common experiences binding them closer than blood, and this time one of them had nearly been sacrificed. All for the greater good.
Greater good. Daniel thought. What a load of shit. The ‘greater good’ doesn’t mean squat if you have to give up your soul for it.
Glancing down at his watch, Daniel noted the time and began packing up for the evening. He had promised Sam he would give her a hand packing up her laptop and a few other things from her lab to take home with her. With a week convalescent leave, Sam wanted to have something to keep her occupied while she recovered at home. Daniel suspected neither Jack nor the Doc knew anything about the work going home with her, but he wasn’t about to clue them in. What they didn’t know wouldn’t hurt them, he reasoned.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam leaned her head against the cool window of Jack’s truck,
the side streets of
Jack had been quietly supportive, taking her arm once they had cleared security and were away from the facility. He knew how important image could be, especially for those in command positions; if their roles had been reversed he would have wanted to make it out of the building under his own steam and gave Sam the same courtesy.
Once in the truck and on their way out of the main gates, Jack had reached out to lay a hand on Sam’s leg, the simple gesture wasn’t lost on her. Jack O’Neill had never been an overly touchy person, but over the last few days he had seemed to take any excuse to touch her, not that she minded. The tangible sensation of Jack’s hand as it stroked her leg gave Sam a feeling of safety and security that she was finding it hard to go without.
Sam groggily realized she must have fallen asleep at some point during the drive when she opened her eyes and realized they had stopped moving.
“Hey, we there already?”
“Yep. Door to door service, ma’am,” Jack said nonchalantly as he exited the cab and made his way around the truck just as Sam was stepping out and onto the sidewalk. Her knees went to water as soon as she moved to stand up and Sam leaned against the doorframe and closed her eyes for a moment as the world spun crazily around her. Jack snaked an arm around hers, keeping her steady as the dizziness receded. Opening her eyes, Sam met Jack’s concerned gaze.
“I’m okay. Too much enforced rest lately. Doctor Brightman said to expect it.”
“Uh huh. Well, let’s get you inside and into bed.”
When Sam’s eyebrows rose, Jack caught the expression and realized what he’d said.
“That’s not what I meant. Not that I don’t….well… but not right now, at least. I mean… ah hell.”
Sam chuckled at his flustered speech and decided to let Jack off the hook. “I know. Besides, I think doing anything more exiting than stretching out on the couch and watching TV right now just might kill me.”
That stopped Jack cold and he gripped her arm tightly in response. “Don’t.”
“What? What did I…?”
“Not even as a joke, Sam.”
Sam studied him, taking in the serious set to his mouth and the grave look in his eyes. “I’m sorry. I didn’t think. It’s just….the whole thing seems so surreal. Like it happened to someone else,” Sam stopped and blew out a breath. “I guess I’m not making a lot of sense.”
“No, you’re making perfect sense. I just …just, please. Don’t.” Jack eased his rigid grip on Sam’s arm, sliding his hand up to encircle her shoulders and pull her into a gentle embrace. Sam allowed herself to sink into his arms, feeling the warmth and strength in them as she turned to rest her head on his shoulder, her nose pressed into his neck.
“I’m sorry,” Sam whispered.
“Nothin’ to be sorry for. C’mon. Let’s get you inside before the neighbors start talking.”
Sam nodded wearily, pulling away slightly to fish her keys out of her pocket and hand them over. Jack reached around her to grab her duffle out from the rear seat, then moved his free arm to wrap securely around Sam’s waist as they made their way up the walk.
Flipping on the foyer lights, Jack steered Sam toward the living room, easing her down onto the sofa before dropping her duffle on the floor next to her. Sam leaned over, attempting to untie her shoes, wincing as the burn on her leg pulled painfully.
“Here, let me,” Jack said, sitting down and pulling her legs up and onto his lap. Easing her shoes off, he set about massaging the soles of her feet gently, feeling the tension flow out of them as he worked.
Sam sighed blissfully. “You’re hired.”
“Really?”
Sam chuckled warmly. “Oh yeah, definitely. You interested?”
“Sure. If I’ve got this to fall back on, I won’t need that ‘General’ gig anymore.”
“Well, job’s yours for as long as you want it.”
“Sweet.” Jack replied, a genuine grin splitting his face. “As long as I want it, huh?”
“Ya sure you betcha.”
Jack smirked at the expression. “Good to know I’ve got job security.”
Sam smiled, leaning her head back onto the arm of the couch and allowing her eyes to drift closed. They sat, Sam dozing lightly, Jack rubbing her feet as the evening worn on, painting the room in the orange glow of sunset. Jack was tempted to pick Sam up and put her to bed, but she needed to eat at least as much as she needed sleep and so he eased himself out from under her legs and headed for the kitchen.
He had been over for dinner a handful of times in the last few weeks and felt sure he could find his way around Sam’s kitchen well enough to find something that would work for dinner. Opening cupboards, Jack pulled out a package of pasta and a jar of Vodka marinara sauce he knew to be one of Sam’s favorites and set about preparing the meal.
Sam woke to the smell garlic and pasta sauce and pulled her eyes open. The short nap had done her some good and she felt a bit steadier than she had when she had first arrived at home. Sitting up gingerly, her abused body stiff and sore, Sam put her feet down and slowly stood. Her vision tunneled slightly, but cleared after a few moments and she made her way toward the kitchen.
The sight of Jack O’Neill in her kitchen standing over a pot of boiling water, a pasta fork in one hand and a beer in the other was one Sam never thought to see as long as she lived. It brought a smile to her face.
“Hey, there. Whatcha doin’?”
Jack whipped his head around, looking like a boy who’d been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.
“Hey. Didn’t mean to wake you. I ah…thought dinner might be a good idea. You hungry?”
“Actually, I think I am. Smells great in here,” Sam said as she pulled up a nearby barstool and lowered herself onto it, wincing slightly.
Jack noted the look. “ ‘Bout time for more happy pills?”
Sam grimaced at the thought. “I really hate taking those things. Makes me feel… fuzzy. Like I’m a step off from everyone else.”
“Yeah, don’t much like ‘em myself,” Jack sympathized. “Well, how about we get some dinner into you first, see how you feel after that?”
“Deal.”
Jack pulled down two plates, portioning out the pasta and sauce and toasted garlic bread onto each, placing one in front of Sam and sitting down next to her.
She took a bite, savoring the flavor. “Mmm. This is really good. One of my favorites.”
Jack stole a glance at her. “Yeah. I know.”
Sam smiled. “Thank you.”
“Anytime, ma’am. Anytime.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Sam managed to make it until nearly 9 pm before finally deciding she needed to give in to her still healing body and head off to bed.
“You don’t have to stay here, really. I’m fine. Go ahead on home. I’ll be okay on my own.”
Jack squinted his eyes, looking decidedly uncomfortable. He hadn’t wanted to admit to Sam that he’d been almost completely unable to sleep unless it was when she was nearby. The acknowledgment seemed too much like admitting a weakness, but it was the truth. He didn’t think he’d be able to rest even in his own bed right now unless Sam was right there with him.
Sam watched the play of emotions run across Jack’s face and was surprised to discover she could read them almost as well as her father’s, another man who’s feelings were well hidden unless you knew where to look.
“You’re still not sleeping are you?”
Jack was incredulous. “Exactly how do you do that anyway?”
“Years of practice reading someone a lot better at hiding things than you are. Come on, the bed’s big enough for both of us.”
Now it was Jack’s turn to raise a suggestive eyebrow.
“You know what I meant. Don’t pretend you didn’t. Just for sleeping. Maybe this way we both can get some sleep.”
Jack studied her, the fatigue that left dark bruises beneath her eyes, the weary set of her shoulders, and realized she was probably right. “Okay, but no funny business.”
Sam smirked before pushing herself slowly to her feet and leading the way down the hall toward her bedroom. Pulling open a drawer in her bureau, she produced a t-shirt and pair of shorts she was reasonably sure would fit Jack and extended them toward him.
“Carter, do I want to know where these came from?”
“Don’t worry, they’re Dad’s. I keep some stuff here for him for when he… well, when he used to be able to visit.”
“Ah, well then, if it’s good enough for Dad.” Jack smiled, heading into the bathroom to change. By the time he had finished a few minutes later and re-entered the bedroom Sam was already in bed and seemed to be asleep. Carefully climbing in next to her, Jack reached over and turned out the light on the bedside table, then rolled over onto his side to simply look at her.
The moonlight spilled in through the sheer curtains at the windows, lighting Sam from behind in an ethereal glow that took his breath away. Jack reached out to caress her cheek with the palm of his hand, reveling in the softness of her skin that seemed in such sharp contrast to the toughness of her spirit. Leaning in closer he placed a light kiss on her lips and Sam stirred slightly at the contact, opening her eyes.
“G’wan back to sleep. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Sam simply looked at him for a moment before leaning in to return his kiss, at first lightly but then deepening it to become more passionate, his lips parting slightly to admit her questing tongue.
After several moments of increasing intensity, Jack reluctantly broke away, “I don’t think you’re going to be able to go much farther here.”
Sam sighed deeply, resting her forehead on Jack’s. “Yeah, I know. I’m sorry.”
“You keep saying that.”
“What?”
“ ‘Sorry’. You’ve got nothing to be sorry for. Don’t worry, this’ll still be here when you’re ready for it.”
Sam nodded silently, easing herself back onto her pillow. Jack reached out to stroke her face and Sam closed her eyes, leaning into the soothing touch.
“Thank you, Sam.”
Opening her eyes she could see the tenderness reflected back through the warm brown pools of Jack’s gaze. “What for?”
“Keeping your promise.”
Sam paused for a moment, grasping for the meaning behind Jack’s cryptic statement, then suddenly remembered the dinner conversation weeks before.
“Always,” She replied simply, as Jack rolled over onto his back, opening his arms for her. Sam immediately snuggled closer, pillowing her head on his shoulder and wrapping an arm around his chest, sinking into the warm embrace of sleep.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The dreams never seemed to be far over the last few nights, always lurking around a dark corner of her mind; tonight was no exception. Sam found herself back in the dank interrogation room, her captors standing over her, ready with a blow when she didn’t give them what they wanted, or sometimes when they simply wanted something to beat on. She struggled to maintain her military bearing, refusing to allow them to break her.
The questions came, rapid fire. “Where are your companions? How many are hiding among the trees? What are the codes that will open your defensive iris?”
Always her answer was the same. “Carter, Samantha. Lieutenant Colonel. 43-412-6775-320. 12-29-68.”
Unexpectedly her dream shifted and Jack was there with her, encouraging her, promising her he would come for her and not to give up. She drew strength from his presence, bolstering her flagging will and filling her with a stalwart resolve. They wouldn’t break her. They wouldn’t force her into a betrayal of everything she stood for, everything the code by which she lived her life demanded.
In the waking world, Jack had been roused by Sam’s jerky movements and mumbled words that at first he couldn’t make out. When he realized she was reciting her name, rank, service number, and date of birth his heart broke. As he listened to her litany repeated time and again his chest tightened in anger and anguish. He was accustomed to being in control, able to influence any given situation, generally through force of his considerable will.
But this, an enemy that stole in like a thief in the night, an enemy against which he had limited skills, he didn’t know how to deal with it. The feeling of impotence was nearly overwhelming, until finally he reacted in the only way he knew how. Reaching out, he gently gathered Sam close, running his hands soothingly through her hair.
“C’mon, wake up for me Dorothy. It’s okay. You’re safe now. You’re home. It’s over, it’s all over.”
Sam awoke with a start, disoriented from clinging images of her dream that dug like icy tendrils around her heart. As awareness came flooding back, she attempted to push herself out of Jack’s arms, embarrassed at the tears that gathered in her eyes, but he merely tightened his hold, right now needing it at least as much as she did.
“Jack?”
“I’m right here.”
“I’m okay…” Sam said shakily, her need to remain strong in front of him still running as deep as ever.
“Well, I’m not, so just… stay put, okay?”
Nothing else he could have said would have worked more completely, and Sam sank into Jack’s embrace, wrapping her arms securely around him, anchoring them both. He continued his rhythmic stroking of his fingers through her silken hair as her heart rate gradually slowed and became more regular. She hated the dreams, hated how weak they made her feel and her initial instinct to cover the weakness of her tears had been one born of an upbringing and education that rewarded control over her emotions. Carters never cry. Carters are always strong. Wasn’t that what her father had always taught her?
It was as though he could practically hear what she was thinking as Jack watched Sam struggle for control. But that course of total, uncompromising, rigid command over emotion could only lead to a life of loneliness and depression, eventually pushing everyone else away. He knew it only too well and he would be damned if he allowed Sam to travel that same path.
“Don’t, Sam.”
“What?” She asked, startled by his voice.
“Don’t do this. It’s okay.”
“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” Sam whispered, knowing it was a lie. Knowing Jack knew it too.
“Don’t do this,” he repeated. “You hate the dreams, but you live with them. Eventually you learn to deal with them. And if you’re really lucky, you find someone you can share them with.”
Sam wasn’t sure if they were talking about just her any longer, and knew that what Jack said was truth. But a truth she wasn’t sure she could yet accept. The fact that he had mentioned it at all spoke volumes about how deep Jack’s own feelings ran; he who used words so sparingly, but meant every word he uttered.
“I… I’m not sure I can…” Sam’s voice was a harsh whisper. She knew that once the bands of control were loosened she might never be able to put them back into place again. And once that happened, everything might change forever. She couldn’t risk it.
Jack simply nodded in reply. “If you change your mind….”
“I know. And you have no idea how good that makes me feel.”
“Okay,” Jack replied, as Sam curled into his side, her head resting comfortably on his shoulder, willing the remaining whispers of her nightmare to the furthest corners of her mind as she sank back into sleep. For now he resigned himself to allowing her to keep what had happened to herself, but if the frequency of her night terrors was any indication, he might not be able to let it go on for much longer.
He couldn’t stand the sight of Sam in distress, the fear written so clearly across her features, and knew that one day soon he was going to have to force the issue with her. Force her to relive what had happened so that she could move past it. It was hardly something he was looking forward to, but acknowledged the necessity.
But for now there was nothing left to do but sleep and so surrendered himself to it, Sam’s soft breaths a lullaby easing him into slumber.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The news of the Tau’ri’s escape spread like wildfire through
the
“I have no excuse, My Lord. We are not worthy of your greatness. We have failed you, My Lord,” he groveled piteously, hoping that his boot licking might just save his life.
The reaction was hardly what he’d expected of his Master. Lord Ba’al was quietly introspective for several minutes, leaving his Commander to sweat in front of the communications array. Instead of thundering away at him, when he did speak, Lord Ba’al’s voice was quiet. The kind of quiet that usually ended up killing someone.
“Yes, you have indeed failed me. And your failure shall not go unpunished. But this may yet be turned to our advantage. We needed a practical test of this weapon’s capabilities on a small scale and we now have that opportunity. Prepare for an assault. The Tau’ri know we are here and we must assume they know of our plans, since your carelessness with your prisoner may well have extended to your tongues as well. Ensure the weapon is prepared. When the Tau’ri attack they won’t be expecting us to use it… yes, this could be very advantageous indeed,” Ba’al continued almost to himself.
“Prepare your troops well, Jo’nack, and you might yet live to serve this ship again. The Tau’ri will attack through the Chappa’ai, concentrate your forces there. Expect that they will land forces on the planet and will assault the main complex. It will be then that we demonstrate the true power of this formidable weapon.”
“Yes, My Lord. It will be as you command.”
“And Jo’nack, allow one of them to live. News of our triumph must be carried back to Earth. I want O’Neill to know the full extent of his failure.”
“Yes, My Lord,”
Jo’nack replied, the relief at his continued survival causing his knees
to shake slightly. Never before had he
seen someone fail the Master and live.
His only thought was that he was not intended to survive the coming
battle. But he could accept that as his
fate and in the end his triumph, even in death, would assure the continued
honor of his family and his remaining
As the communications device winked off, Jo’nack turned to
the
“Go, assemble your men. We shall lay in wait for the Tau’ri. This time we shall not fail our Master!”
Snapping smartly to attention and bringing sharp fists up to
their chests, the
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
The week was crawling slowly by and to Sam it felt as though seven days had been extended to a month. Enforced rest wasn’t something she had ever done well, and this was no exception. If not for her nagging fatigue, she would have shrugged off the Doctor’s orders and continued to work her customary ten to twelve hours, albeit from home and not her lab. As it was, she was able to get through about six before she needed to take a break from her laptop keyboard and stretch out on the couch. Besides, if Jack had suspected she was working as much as she was, he’d likely have her back in the infirmary faster than she could say naquada reactor.
But it was now finally Thursday, and if Sam could just get through the next three days she’d be back on base for a physical and hopefully a return to duty. The injury to her leg was healing nicely and she hoped wouldn’t leave much scarring. All in all, she was cautiously pleased with her recovery and was hoping Doctor Brightman could be convinced to return her to full active duty.
Jack would be another matter entirely. Ever since she’d come home he’d been spending most of his off time at her place, only returning home when absolutely necessary. Sam was somewhat surprised to discover his presence, rather than feeling claustrophobic, was instead warm and comfortable. His solid presence a bastion in the chaos that seemed to dominate the rest of her life. The dreams that had plagued her sleep since she had first awakened in the infirmary had been her constant companions and could be counted on to wake her at least once each night. Oddly she’d begun to become accustomed to the interruption and she suspected it was her continued struggle with the dreams that kept Jack there most nights.
When they had first begun dating, she’d been somewhat surprised at their relative restraint around each other. After years of sexual tension, she’d half expected them to fall into bed at the first opportunity. But as the days stretched on, she realized that what she felt for Jack ran much deeper than simple sex. There was nothing even remotely simple about their relationship. After what had happened to her on -035 things had become even more complex. Sam drew on Jack’s strength more than she had ever relied upon anyone since her mother died. She had come to depend upon his stalwart presence each night, holding her close as the night terrors left her feeling sick and shaken. It was a need that at first she had resented as a form of weakness she felt she couldn’t allow herself, but now was grudgingly coming to accept. She needed Jack, in a way she had never needed anyone. The thought scared her to death.
Sam had considered talking with Jack about all of it, her experiences on -035, her fears since returning, her need of him. She knew that her unwillingness to discuss what had happened worried him, and she acknowledged that she wasn’t going to be able to keep from talking about it for much longer. She even realized, somewhere deep down, that if she faced what happened, she might actually begin to put it and the dreams behind her. But it wasn’t going to be that simple. Opening up wasn’t something she did willingly, a trait she knew she shared with Jack.
It had been gnawing at her, this incessant feeling that she had to face what happened, and not just through talking. What began as a niggling feeling in the back of her mind had blossomed into an all out assault, leaving her feeling as though she might break apart under the attack, and it left her confused and frustrated. It wasn’t as though this was the first time she’d be captured or injured in the line of duty. Why was this so different? What had changed that made this time so difficult to simply put behind her? She was no stranger to the depression or night mares following such a difficult mission, but never before had it been so pervasive, dominating nearly her every waking and sleeping thought.
Shaking her head to clear the unanswerable questions, Sam knew one thing for certain, if she didn’t get back to -035 and take out that weapon herself, she just might not be able to live with it. Ever. She knew of the plans to attack the temple and knew the jump off date was rapidly approaching. But in order to convince Jack she needed to go along, she was going to have to tell him all of it. Everything that had happened and everything she was feeling now, and hope that he understood enough to allow her to go.
Sam had been rehearsing the conversation over and over in her mind for the last couple of days and now that the week was drawing to a close, she knew her time was running short. She was going to have to talk to him and soon if she hoped to join to expeditionary force in time to be a part of this mission. But it was still early in the day, and Sam didn’t expect Jack back from the mountain for several hours at least and so had just pulled open her laptop when her cell phone rang shrilly from the kitchen. Rising from her seat in the dining room, she picked up her phone, noting the digits as a cell number she recognized well she flipped it open.
“Carter.”
“Colonel Carter, it is Teal’c.”
“Teal’c, how are you?”
“I am well, and you?”
“Other than bored out of my mind most of the time, I’m fine. How’re things at the SGC?”
“They are as you would expect.”
Sam chuckled, “So, business as usual then?”
“Indeed.” Teal’c was silent for a moment, not knowing human etiquette well, he was unsure how to frame the request that had caused him to pick up the phone initially. In the end, he opted for the direct approach, noting that more often than not with his friends from the SG-1 the method was most effective.
“Colonel Carter, I was hoping I could come by your home today.”
“That would be great, I’d love some company.”
“Shall I bring a meal, perhaps?”
“That sounds good, how about Chinese? We can make it a late lunch.”
“Very well, I shall be there in an hour.”
True to his word, just under an hour later Teal’c arrived on her doorstep, Chinese take out in hand. Welcoming him in, Sam broke out the plates and drinks and they enjoyed a meal of Szechwan Beef and General Tso’s chicken while talking over the latest base gossip. Sam had discovered years earlier, much to her surprise, that Teal’c was unusually well plugged into the base grapevine. She had never considered herself one to take part in idle gossip, but it was nice to hear about the goings on at the SGC.
Sam gathered the empty cartons and dishes, depositing them
in the kitchen before joining Teal’c in her living room. Anyone who hadn’t known the
Sam folded herself onto the couch, eyeing her companion sitting across from her. Over the years she had come to regard Teal’c as one of her closest friends, closer in many respects than even Janet, when she had been alive. There were things that only another comrade would understand, and things that simply couldn’t be shared with a commanding officer.
Daniel simply didn’t have the background to understand the pressures she faced, but Teal’c’s long service to Apophis lent him an uncanny insight and he seemed to implicitly understand, even when Sam didn’t herself. His unerring intuition was at times unnerving, but when she was feeling at her lowest, as though no one could truly understand, there he was. Sometimes with a shoulder to cry on, other times with a simple look or gesture. Always it lifted her up, set her on her feet again, and they would carry on. She could let down her guard with him as she could with no one else, even Jack. Especially Jack.
“I wish to apologize, Colonel Carter.”
The statement came from around a blind corner and was the last thing she expected to hear.
Sam stuttered before replying. “Ah…you… you what?”
“I owe you my apology.”
“What the hell for?”
“I should not have abandoned you on P7X-035.”
“Teal’c, you didn’t abandon me, I ordered you to leave.”
“I should have ensured that Daniel Jackson made it through the ‘gate. Once that mission was accomplished, I should have returned for you.”
Sam stared at her hands, clasped in her lap. She hadn’t considered at the time how difficult her orders would be to carry out, she had only considered the danger to Earth and her duty to get their intelligence through the ‘gate and into the hands of people who could neutralize that threat. It wasn’t until much later, when she was alone in that dank cell, that she realized what effect that order was likely to have. And by then it was too late.
“Teal’c, you did as I ordered you. You did your duty, and I counted on that. I knew you would follow that order and I knew that meant leaving me behind. I’m not sorry about giving that order. I’d do it again, if I had to. And I know you’d follow it again, because that’s who you are, Teal’c.”
Teal’c inclined his head.
“You are my sister in arms, Samantha.
Among the
Sam was utterly stunned. She hadn’t thought it possible for Teal’c, a dedicated warrior with a devotion to duty that rivaled any she had ever seen, even her father’s, to admit something of such magnitude. It was unthinkable, and rocked her down to her very soul.
“Teal’c, you can’t mean that…”
“I can. I have sacrificed much to the cause of my people, to the cause of freedom. I am unsure that I can sacrifice so much ever again. You, Daniel Jackson, O’Neill, you are as much my family as Rya’c. I had a duty to protect my family as well as a duty to the Tau’ri. I failed in that duty.”
Sam could feel Teal’c’s eyes on her, waiting for her to say something. She drew in several deep breaths, attempting to calm herself.
“Teal’c, you can’t think like that. One must always come before the other. The greater good always has to be considered before the good of one team or one individual.”
“I have meditated on this for many hours. Many things are still unclear to me. But I am coming to believe that perhaps in this Daniel Jackson is correct. There can be no greater good than duty to those you care about.”
Sam blew out a frustrated breath. She couldn’t believe she was hearing this from Teal’c of all people. Daniel she expected, but not this. Teal’c had been the bedrock of SG-1 since the beginning and now that foundation was showing some cracks. She wasn’t sure how to deal with it.
“So, what’re you going to do now?” Sam asked quietly, afraid of the answer.
“I am unsure. I do not want to leave SG-1 or the Tau’ri, but I cannot change how I feel on this matter.”
“Maybe if we just give it some time, when things aren’t so…. close…”
Teal’c regarded his companion thoughtfully. O’Neill had come to him concerned that she had not yet spoken to anyone. Teal’c at first had thought his concern unwarranted, her reticence of late was not unexpected given her recent experiences, but it did seem unusual for the steadfast Colonel. Now that he was in her presence all he had done was unload his own problems upon her, and it shamed him. But it felt good to be able to confide in her, both as a friend and a comrade in arms.
“I am sorry, Colonel Carter. I should not have unburdened myself upon you.”
Sam shook her head adamantly. “Teal’c, I’m glad you came to me. I’m glad you trust me enough to speak with me about this.”
Teal’c inclined his head in agreement. “I do indeed trust you, with a great many things, including my life. Do I also hold such trust from you?”
“Of course. You don’t need to ask that…” Sam replied immediately, confused that he would ever doubt her loyalty.
“Then would you not speak with me of P7X-035?”
Sam stopped cold, her mouth falling open. So, that was it. His real reason for visiting. “Jack sent you,” Sam accused softly. “Didn’t he?”
“O’Neill knows nothing of my intentions to visit here today, Colonel Carter.”
“But he did talk with you, didn’t he?”
“He has. But only out of concern for you.”
Sam stood slowly, making her way to the double doors that lead to her back yard. Crossing her arms, she stood in front of them, leaning her head against the cool panes, watching her breath fog the glass. “I… I’m not sure I can.”
“Would you feel more comfortable speaking with Daniel Jackson?”
“Somehow I doubt it, Teal’c. Daniel really doesn’t understand… can’t understand.”
“Then one of the medical professionals at the SGC perhaps…”
Sam cut him off sharply. “Good God no. There’s no way I’m going to have any of this wind up on my permanent record in any way, shape, or form.”
“Is it not procedure, after such an incident, to speak with someone in that capacity?”
“Normally, yes. But after some of our… less than stellar experiences with people in the psychiatric profession over the years, Doctor Brightman agreed to let me work out on my own who I would talk with.”
“And yet, you have spoken of this to no one.”
“No,” Sam acknowledged. “Not yet. I’m not sure why this is so hard this time. Why can’t I just get over it already?” Sam huffed, exasperation coloring her voice.
“Perhaps it is not just this incident, Samantha. This is not the first time in recent months you have undergone something like this.”
Fifth. He means Fifth. God, something else better left alone. Buried down deep. She had only spoken of it very briefly to O’Neill on the Daniel Jackson as they journeyed back to Earth after Fifth had inexplicably released her. She still wasn’t sure she trusted his motivations for any of that.
Teal’c came to stand behind her, reaching out a warm hand and placing it gently on her shoulder. She jumped slightly at the contact, tense with the memories that seemed to suffocate her at every turn.
“Come, sit.”
Such an innocuous phrase, one she had heard hundreds of
times before. But this time was
different. This time it brought it all
back, every blow, every hour spent in that dismal chair interrogated in what
seemed to be an unending session of questions and pain. Sam was no longer in her own home, but back
on -035, the
The flashback hit her like a physical force, a blow that couldn’t be prepared for or avoided. She couldn’t imagine anything worse. It all came back, every moment of excruciating suffering that she had endured swept into her consciousness like a hot, unstoppable flood and it left her shaking and nauseated. Slowly the images receded from her mind and she dimly became aware of Teal’c gripping her shoulders tightly, attempting to steady her. Sam deliberately slowed her breathing, bringing herself under control.
“Samantha, are you well?”
“Teal’c?”
“I am here.” He was
shaken. Among the
Gently taking her arm, Teal’c led Sam to the nearby couch and helped her to sit. The intensity of the visions was shocking, more so than the worst of her nightmares, as though she were literally living it over again. It was like she had ever left the temple and for a long horrifying moment, she wondered if she had indeed escaped at all. She clung to the powerful arms that supported her as she sat quaking, her eyes darting about the room in search of some hint of the subterfuge.
“Home?” Sam whispered, the fear coursing through her veins clenching her belly in response.
“Indeed.”
“God… what the hell…?”
“You saw the temple.”
Sam lifted a shaking hand to her face. “Yeah.”
“Has this happened before?”
“What? No…no. Jesus…. I could live with it never happening again.”
Teal’c nodded then rose and made his way to the kitchen. Sam could hear the water in her sink run momentarily then Teal’c returned with a tall glass of water and extended it to her. She reached out, grasping the glass so tightly her knuckles were white with the effort. Sam sipped at the cool water, allowing it to soothe her arid throat.
“What’s happening to me?”
“Your mind requires healing, the same as your body. Healing you have avoided thus far. Perhaps this is a sign you cannot ignore that need any longer.”
Sam turned away, gazing forlornly out the window. She wanted to pull back from his supportive
touch, wanted to divorce herself from the understanding look in his eyes. She cursed herself for her weakness as she
felt the beginnings of tears stinging at the corners of her eyes. Okay,
so talk it out, huh? If this is the
alternative... Well sure as hell can’t
be as bad.
When she began speaking it was in low tones that Teal’c had to strain to hear.
“I’ve never felt like this before. After Fifth I could just… put it away. If I didn’t look at it, I could live with it. Get past it. But this time…. this time… it’s like it’s following me. Every time I close my eyes, it’s there,” Sam murmured brokenly, the admission wrung from her, painful to touch. “I got lucky with Fifth. If he hadn’t decided to let me go I’d be…”
“You would be dead right now.”
“Yeah.”
“But it was not so on P7X-035. It was your own resourcefulness that enabled your escape. No one else.”
“Yeah, well, I didn’t feel all that resourceful at the time. Just desperate. For a while there I didn’t think…”
“You did not believe you would survive.”
Sam sighed deeply. “Yeah.”
“Have we not been in situations where it seemed unlikely we would emerge with our lives?”
“I guess…but I was on my own this time, just like with Fifth. It never seemed so…. terrifying when you guys were there with me.”
“And now you have twice faced that eventuality alone. Even for the strongest warrior there is no shame in admitting the fear that comes with such experiences.”
“I guess. It just
never seems…” Sam trailed off, unsure
how to phrase what she was feeling to the
“Do you fear that some would consider this a weakness? Some sort of failing of yours?”
Sam smiled gently.
“One of these days you won’t be able to surprise me like this, Teal’c. I’m not sure what it’s like with the
“Even after all you have accomplished with the SGC?”
“Maybe even more so. I know it’s cliché, but it’s like I have a reputation to live up to now.”
Teal’c inclined his head, understanding written across his features. He knew well the advantages and pitfalls of a strong reputation.
“I’m just…” Sam stopped, nearly choked on the word, she’d uttered it so infrequently. “afraid.”
“Of what?”
“That it’ll always feel like this. That I won’t be able to get all the way back this time.”
And now here it was, the heart of the matter. Fear could be an overwhelming adversary, wielding weapons that at times can scarcely be understood let alone combated. Fear could rot away at a person’s confidence or it could inspire incredible feats of strength in overcoming it’s influence. Until now, Sam had always defeated the beast, rising above it to claim utter victory at times when it seemed as though no one, no matter how resilient could survive.
Teal’c considered his response carefully, knowing full well that he was treading on shifting ground. A soldier’s confidence was a vital and ultimately fragile thing, one misstep could spell disaster, for Sam and the team.
“I believe in you, Samantha. I know that O’Neill and Daniel Jackson feel similarly. Allow us to help you carry this. Share the burden with us and perhaps we can all emerge from this stronger than before.”
Sam ducked her head to her chest. She knew he spoke the truth from a pure heart, but sharing this much of herself had never come easily. “I don’t know if I can.”
“For as long as I have known you, you have
Sam bit her lip, considering. The idea had been niggling at the back of her mind for the last couple of days and she realized now that she could use an ally in pulling it off. If she was right, it would free her from the dreams and flashbacks. If she was wrong, she’d be freed anyway, but in a way that might destroy those around her. In the end, Sam felt as though she had no real choice, caught between the proverbial rock and hard place with nothing but options that went from bad to worse.
“If I asked you for something, would you hear me out before answering?”
“Of course.”
“I need to be on the mission. Don’t ask me why, because I’m not sure I really know. But I am sure that if I’m going to ever be able to put this behind me, I need to go.”
“Are you certain that is a
Sam snorted derisively. “Just the opposite, actually. I’m fairly sure this is a pretty foolish course of action. But I can feel this as strongly as I have felt anything before. I have to be there. I have to help take them down, otherwise this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life.”
Teal’c gazed at his teammate critically, noting the resolve in her eyes and the surety in her voice. She believed it to be true, and perhaps that was all that really mattered. But he feared she was far from ready for such a demanding mission, physically as well as emotionally.
“And what of O’Neill and Doctor Brightman? It is unlikely they will clear you for such a mission.”
“Ah… that’s where maybe you could help.”
It was not the first time she had asked him to take a leap of faith based on little other than her word, and the consequences were as dire as they had ever been. Deny her request and she would likely either find a way to get there on her own, and he would be unable to watch out for her or she would stay behind possibly destroying any chances of her ever returning to full duty. Grant her what she was asking for, and they could lose her anyway, considering her weakened state.
The risks were great in either eventuality and he understood the enormity of Sam’s impasse. Teal’c did not, in any case, believe that his team leader would sit idly by at the SGC when she felt so strongly that she needed to be on the mission and in the end, his decision was practically made for him.
“I will request you be assigned to my team for this mission. I have been given the task of assembling one of the two strike teams along with Colonel Reynolds. That will mean you will be fully under my command, Colonel Carter. Should I feel the need to order you out of a situation, I must ask that my order be followed.”
“I understand. Believe me, following your orders is not something that’s going to be a problem for me. I’m glad you’ll be there with me.”
“Indeed.”
Sam was relieved and unnerved in a ball of conflicting emotions that churned at her stomach. Teal’c had been the wild card. Jack and Doctor Brightman were the true constants in this, their reactions predictable, nearly set in stone.
Teal’c however, could have gone either way. If he had refused her, the task would have become infinitely more difficult. Sam’s resolve, however, would have been unaffected. She needed to do this; could feel it in her bones that this was the right thing for her to do. Convincing others of that fact was the hard part. But now she had an ally, and one she thought was one of the few people who could truly understand her reasons.
Sam looked up into Teal’c’s warm brown eyes, shining with concern; in the beginning the former First Prime had intimidated her, along with much of the SGC. But now all she saw was a friend and fellow soldier and she knew she could count on him to get her through just about anything.
“Thank you, Teal’c.”
“Your thanks may be premature. Thank me when we have returned safely and our mission has been accomplished.”
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
“You WHAT!?”
Teal’c stood, stoic as ever, his face an unreadable mask as O’Neill huffed out a furious breath. The General’s reaction was not unexpected and Teal’c had prepared his argument carefully.
“Doctor Brightman has cleared Colonel Carter for light duty for the next three days and for full duty immediately following. I will personally see to her safety and if at any time it appears as though she is not prepared, I will drop her from my roster.”
“And that’s supposed to make me feel better about this?” Jack retorted sarcastically.
“No, it is not, O’Neill. However, I have reviewed this mission carefully and Colonel Carter’s first hand knowledge of the temple and the layout inside will be invaluable on this mission. Our odds of succeeding will increase substantially with her on the team.”
“Teal’c, do I need to remind you exactly what’s she’s been through the last week or so? I could’ve sworn you were right there, but it appears as though you’ve lost just enough of your mind to have forgotten all of that.”
“I do not believe you are viewing this objectively, O’Neill…”
Jack interrupted him with a enraged wave of his hand, “To hell with objectivity, how about some good old fashioned common sense?”
Teal’c merely lifted an eyebrow and waited, allowing Jack’s anger to dissipate some before continuing.
“You know as well as I that Colonel Carter will be ready for this mission. And we both know that we need her help. But I believe that her presence on the team will have a positive effect not only on the outcome but also on the Colonel herself.”
“If she lives through it.”
Teal’c consciously gentled his expression, relaxing his arms and shoulders. “O’Neill, as my brother and my friend, I pledge to you that on my honor and my life, she will return. She must be allowed to participate.”
“Must be allowed? Exactly what does that mean?”
Teal’c hesitated, unsure how much of his conversation with Colonel Carter he should reveal. His desire to protect her privacy and her trust at war with the knowledge that O’Neill needed to know what was happening, both personally and professionally. But it wasn’t for him to say how much of her motivations would be revealed; he could only hope to influence O’Neill enough to ask for himself.
“Colonel Carter must be allowed to finish what was started. She must be allowed some closure. I believe the best way for that to happen is to include her on this mission.”
Jack pressed his mouth into a hard, thin line. “She put you up to this, didn’t she? She wants to go on the mission and knew I’d turn her down.”
“I am not at liberty to discuss Colonel Carter’s motivations with you, O’Neill. That should come from her.”
“In other words, yes, but you won’t come out and say ‘yes’.”
“I believe you should ask her for yourself, O’Neill.”
“Oh believe me, first chance I get. First chance.” Jack exhaled forcefully, fighting the urge to storm down to Sam’s lab and confront her on the spot. He knew she’d been cleared for light duty in her lab for the rest of the week and that she had a good deal to catch up on, both with her duties at the SGC and Area 51.
Teal’c noted the tension in Jack’s body. “Do not behave rashly, O’Neill. It may do more harm than good.”
“Rashly? I’m behaving rashly? Oh for cryin’ out loud!”
“I did not mean to imply that your feelings on this matter are without merit, however, you as a warrior must understand Colonel Carter’s feelings on this.”
Jack felt the bluster drain right out of him as he realized Teal’c was exactly right. He knew all too well what Sam was going through and accepting that fact was accepting that he and Sam had a good deal more in common on this particular issue than they had just a week ago. The thought both saddened and inspired him.
“Okay, okay. I read you, loud and clear. No ‘rashness’. But she and I are going to have this out, T. One way or the other.”
“Understood, O’Neill. Do I have your permission to place Colonel Carter on the duty roster?”
Jack squinted as though he were in pain, his face contorting into a grimace. “Yeah, damnit. But I’m still going to try and talk her out of it.”
“I would expect no less, from either of you.”
Teal’c turned and strode from the room, his hands still clasped calmly behind his back. Jack watched him go feeling more weary than he had since Sam had been carried, wounded and unconscious, through the ‘gate.
There was no way in hell he was going to allow Sam to suffer in silence as he had after those long months spent in an Iraqi prison. The months and even years after he was repatriated had been spent functioning in a sort of limbo, no one really knowing or understanding what was going on in his head. And even if someone had known, it wasn’t like he was going to invite anyone into his personal hell.
Even Sarah hadn’t known the true depths to which he had sunk, suffering from endless nightmares and the occasional flashback that had left him sweating and nauseated, the ghostly smell of burning flesh in his nostrils, the taste of foul water on his lips. Swallowing the barrel of his service revolver had definitely seemed like a viable option for some time, long before Charlie’s death had brought it all back home again.
He knew the signs were there, but he hadn’t wanted to see them. Sam’s unwillingness to talk about what had happened, the dreams that plagued her nightly; for a moment he honestly thought he was going to be ill. Was there more she’d been keeping from him? Possibly. Probably. Goddamnit all to hell and back again.
He could well imagine what was running through Sam’s head, the incessant voices that whispered during those quiet times when your defenses were at their lowest. Whispered that if you just went back, made them pay, it would all be okay again. Things would be normal again. But that was all a crock of shit. Things would never, ever be the same again. And God help him, this wasn’t the first time this had happened to her.
After the whole thing with
He had already arranged to meet Sam at her place for dinner that night. A little celebration of her return to work well ahead of the time table Doctor Brightman had told them to expect. If he was going to talk to her about this, now was the time. They didn’t have the luxury of waiting until some fictional time when she would be ‘ready’. He just hoped he didn’t screw things up even more than they already were.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Dinner had been a rather quiet affair, and Sam found herself pleasantly full and dozing lightly on the couch, her head cradled in Jack’s lap as he rhythmically ran his hands through her hair, massaging her temples gently. When his voice broke the silence she was nearly asleep.
“So, how was the first day back?”
“Hmm?” Sam mumbled softly.
“Your day? Get your inbox cleared out yet?”
“Ah… yeah, actually. Wasn’t too bad. I’ve still got some reports to write and some stuff to go over for the team at Area 51. Felt good to be back. How ‘bout you?”
“Oh you know, same ‘ol same ‘ol. Reports, memos, requisitions. The exciting life of a General in the Air Force.”
Sam smiled up at him. “Ah yes, the kind of stuff that really gets the old adrenaline pumping.” Her smile faded as she took in the serious look in his eyes and the firm set to his mouth. She knew what was coming, had actually been surprised when he hadn’t hit her with it the minute he’d walked in the door that evening.
“I had pretty interesting meeting today.”
“Really?”
“Yep. Teal’c came to me with a request.”
“That doesn’t happen often.”
“No, no it doesn’t.”
“So, are you going to grant it?”
“Not sure that decision is entirely up to me.”
“It isn’t?”
“There’s a lot more to consider than just what I want. There’s the rest of the team. Reynolds too, it’s his plan. He should have some say in the make up of the team that goes with him through the ‘gate.”
Sam dropped her eyes, reaching out to entwine their fingers in a loose embrace. She’d been waiting most of the day to learn whether or not she would be included on the mission. Teal’c had been evasive when she’d asked him indicating that he had presented his case and that it was now up to others to decide.
“Your recommendation could swing things one way or the other on this.”
Jack’s voice was a bare whisper. “Yeah. I know.”
Sam shifted slightly, turning to sit up so she could look him directly, still clinging to his hand.
“I know this hasn’t been easy for you…”
Jack cut her off sharply. “Hasn’t been easy? Christ, Sam… for someone with an IQ as high as yours, you say some pretty dumb things sometimes.”
Sam dropped her eyes, shifting uncomfortably under his intense scrutiny. “I’m sorry…”
“You can stop that too.”
“What?”
“Apologizing every five minutes. Every now and then a good fight might help, ya know?”
“Not really, no. It’s not like I’ve had a lot of… positive experiences with this whole relationship thing. Half the time I’m scared I’m going to do or say something that will… that you’ll decide you’ve had enough and take off.”
Jack reached out, gently grasping Sam’s chin, tilting her face up to meet his. “Sam, it’s going to take a helluva lot more than a fight to get me to leave. Don’t ever doubt that. But honest to God, I don’t think I’ve been as scared as I was this past week in a long, long time. Puts me on edge.”
“Hasn’t been one of the better times in my life either.”
“Yeah, I know,” Jack responded quietly. “You ready to tell me about it?”
Sam hesitated. Her talk with Teal’c had helped, but the flashback she had experienced had rattled her more than she wanted to admit. But if there was anyone in the world who would understand what she was feeling, it was Jack. The question was, could she tell him about it? Before she could decide whether or not to speak, Jack broke in on her thoughts.
“You can keep it to yourself if you want. God knows I did that for a lot of years, for all the good it did me. But if you want this mission, I need to know what’s going on with you before I’ll make any recommendations one way or the other. That’s the deal.”
Sam turned away, her throat flooded with the tears she resolutely refused to allow to fall. Ashamed of them. Knew they made Jack uncomfortable.
Jack could see her clenched jaw, felt her hand tense under his. “Don’t do this. You can’t bottle it up. Believe me, I tried. It doesn’t work. It eats you alive.”
“Yeah…”
“You’re still not sleeping.”
Sam sighed. There was no way she was going to get out of this conversation this time. “Not very well, no.”
Jack felt as though he had become the worlds biggest hypocrite, forcing Sam to talk to him like this, but what choice did he have?
“What else?”
Sam drew a shaky breath, keeping her face turned away from him, hanging onto what little control she had left she began to speak.
“Sometimes, it seems like it didn’t even happen to me. Like it’s something that happened to someone else and I’m just an observer. But then there are other times… times when I know it’s real. Hits me in the weirdest places too. Like in the car driving home tonight, when all I have to distract me is the radio and the road. And it’s not enough, so all I can think about is what happened.”
“But that’s not all, is it?” Jack knew he was right. Had seen it on her face when he’d walked in the door that evening. Before his talk with Teal’c he hadn’t really looked at her too closely, afraid of what he would see. But now he had no choice, he had to look, had to see. Her haunted, shadowed eyes had been like looking in a mirror.
Sam’s head dropped between her shoulders as the tears finally broke free and slid silently down her cheeks embarrassing and frustrating her. She didn’t think she could speak without her voice breaking and so simply shook her head.
Jack nodded solemnly. “So what was it? A smell? A sound? Something you did that you’ve done a hundred times before but this time it triggered it?”
Sam’s head came up sharply, her surprise written across her face, her voice a bare whisper. “Yeah.”
The sight of her tears broke his heart. There was something about a strong woman in tears that could bring him to his knees. She’d allowed him to see them so very rarely, and every time it was like razors slicing through his gut. “Thought so.”
“You did?”
“I figured it might happen. I was just hoping to God it wouldn’t.”
“You expected this?” Sam asked incredulously.
Jack nodded again. “Yeah. So you gonna tell me about it?”
Sam shook her head ruefully. “It wasn’t anything, really. I still can’t believe… we were just talking.”
“We?”
“Teal’c came by yesterday for lunch. Everything was fine but… he didn’t mean to…
he just… he just asked me to sit down. I
still don’t really know what happened.
One minute I was standing in the living room the next I was back in that
damned interrogation room. Ba’al’s
“
“What?”
“He’s a
Sam paled at the thought and she opened her mouth instinctively to deny it, then closed it again, knowing Jack was most likely right. The last thing she could take was the idea that simply being around one of her closest and most trusted friends could trigger another flashback.
“I wish I could take all of this away for you.”
“I know you do.”
“So why the push to join the mission? What if that happens to you on the planet? Being there might trigger another one.”
“I know it might and I’m just going to have to take that chance. I’m not sure how to explain it. Not sure I really know myself. I just know that if I’m ever going to get past this, I have to be there. I have to be a part of taking them down.”
“You sure there isn’t something else going on?”
“Like what?”
“It would be totally understandable if you wanted to get a little pay back.”
“I think that’s part of it, but not all. I wish I could tell you. I really do, I’m just not sure. But I do know that I have to do this, Jack. Please believe me.”
Jack gave Sam a hard look, scrutinizing her closely. He could see the resolve in her eyes, but also the pain and uncertainty. If she felt this strongly that she was willing to put herself on the line for this mission, he wasn’t sure he could turn her down. But God knew he wanted to, more than anything.
“Let me talk it over with Reynolds. In the end, it’s his call.”
Relief washed through her and Sam gripped Jack’s hand tightly. “Thank you.”
“Don’t. No thanks, Sam. Just come home, okay? No heroics, no unnecessary risks.”
“It’s a risk every time we…”
“Oh please, spare me the bullshit, you know what I mean. Don’t pretend you don’t.”
Sam nodded, running her hands across her cheeks in a vain attempt at drying them. Jack reached up, laying his hands gently on her wrists to still them, pulling them down into his lap.
“You don’t need to hide them from me. Never.”
Sam’s eyes widened, unsure what to say. In the end she opted to say nothing, instead turned to lean against his chest, her head reclining against his shoulder.
Jack slid his arms around her waist, pulling her tightly
against him. Nothing in his life had
ever felt as right as the way Sam fit into his arms and the mere thought that
he could lose that feeling turned his guts into a quivering mass of
anxiety. He knew he had to let her go,
he had to allow her the chance to exorcise her demons. He just wished he could be there to watch her
six himself. But this time he had to
leave that duty to Teal’c, he could only pray that the
To Be
Continued…..