TIPS FOR PUBLIC JACKING OFF ONLINE
1. Remember the Law of Cock Supply and Demand
At any given moment, there are many more men wanting to masturbate online than there are women wanting to listen to or watch them. You may think you're special, but you're probably not. Just traipsing into a chat room and announcing "cock on cam" or "any ladies wanna hear me jack off?" isn't likely to get you anywhere.
2. Avoid the FAQs (Frequent Asinine Questions)
So maybe you want to talk a bit to the women in the room before you slap Mr. Johnson. The following questions, whether posted in the room or in PM or uttered on mic, are guaranteed to get you ignored or laughed at. Any woman who's spent an hour in adult chat has been asked each of them a hundred times. Do you really want to be number 101? Remember: Even in a room devoted to men choking their chickens for women, politeness, respect for others, and verbal cleverness still count.
- a/s/l? (This info is often on a Yahoo profile; if it's not there, it's probably because the person doesn't want to give it out to any schmo who asks.)
- Anyone wanna see my <supply a very large number> inch cock? (See Remember the Law of Cock Supply and Demand, above.
- Do you like to listen? (Duh...check the room name, dude)
- Are you horny? (Not a good conversation opener, even in a sex chat room... find another way to say "hello.")
- Are you wet? (Ditto.)
- Any ladies wanna go private? (See Don't troll, below.)
- Do you have a mic/cam? (Be honest: you don't just want to know if she has one, you want to know if she'll use it to play with you.)
- Are there any real ladies in here? (Yes, there are. Honest.)
Think you're ready to get on the mic? Before you unzip, free willie, and push the TALK button, make sure you have
- Turned OFF sound alerts in messenger
Most women like to hear the sound of a lubed cock (the highly prized "squish") as well as moans and breathing and dirty talk. Acceptable lubes include commercial products such as K-Y and Astroglide. Baby oil and skin lotion work well too. Saliva will do in a pinch. So will non-water-soluble lubes like vaseline or even cooking oil, though they're harder to clean up. Not recommended: soap or detergent (come on....you weren't really thinking about using that, were you?)
4. Be a performer
Unlike stroking in your bedroom, stroking in a chat room is a public act, a show. So perform: be loud, say what you're fantasizing about, talk dirty, respond to posts directed at you in the room, slap your cock, spank yourself. Whatever works. If it turns you on it's likely to turn someone else on too.
5. Finish, dammit
If you're going to start cuffing the carrot on the room mic, for god's sake finish what you start. Cum already. It's not nice to tease. Which brings us to.....
6. Don't troll
Trolling is the use of the room mic or room posts to secure partners for private play. It is frowned upon to get on mic and say "any ladies want to hear me stroke in private?" It it very bad form to start stroking, then suddenly stop and ask for a private partner. You wouldn't like it if someone did it to you, right?
7. Expect difficulties
Chat rooms being the mirrors of humanity that they are, people are likely to behave rudely or inconsiderately during your whack-off session. Another guy may start stroking after you've started and bump you off mic (this is called stepping--don't do it!), or a malicious pencil-dicked twerp might use a program to boot you off the mic or out of the room altogether. Someone may comment unfavorably on your performance ("let's hear more cock"..."sounds like he's taking a shit"..."booooooring"...etc.). Comes with the territory. If it bothers you a lot, maybe you shouldn't be doing this.