I had said that I prayed to God in January 1999, that I wanted to know him deeper, whatever it takes? Am I bold enough to pray that again? That is a very, very hard thing to ask, but I know the end result is worth it. I am glad that I am reading through this again. How quickly I seem to forget what God has done personally in my life and taught me. I was reading Jeremiah at the time I wrote this. Maybe I should read it again. I encourage you not to take anything for granted. Someday- sometime in your life, you might experience the same as "part" of God being faithful to complete the good work He has begun in each of you..(Philp. 1:6)...... Please look up to Him and look "down" on me, okay? I'm just a sinner, for by grace, saved through faith.
(From April 2000)
Following, I wanted to share with you some notes of testimony of our gracious and awesome God. I share these not in proudness, but a very humbled heart and of praise. It has been a hard year for us but also one of great joy and adventure. I am just sharing this with you who have played a great part in, reminding me and encouraging me in God's word within this last year.
I pray that I won't be like the Israelites as in Jer. 12. How great is His grace and patience and mercy!!!!!
It was one year ago (April 1999) that started the week of emergency room visits and hospital stay. While dining at a restaurant during a visit with my folks, I remember the most unbearable sudden pain of what I "thought" was heart-burn/acid reflux. After taking a new combination of "heart-burn relief" of Zantac and Tums, I discovered that I was breaking out in hives, burning up and freezing, swelling body parts, vomiting and shaking violently. After my tongue and throat started swelling, I was on my way to the emergency room. Once there, I was barely breathing, blacking out with my windpipe closed up. In the emergency room, I was injected with Benadryl, Epinephrine and Demerol. The next morning I returned to my folks home to rest up before traveling back to our home in Lancaster. I still never did have an appetite. I only ate 2 tablespoons of plain noodles. By Wednesday I felt strong enough to travel. Once at home Doug took Sarah on to church in Columbus while I tried to rest up. I tried to eat a granola bar. Within 10 minutes I was again in unbearable pain, vomiting and shaking. Again, thinking "severe heart burn/acid reflux" I started to drink Malox, as I had done in the past. I looked into the mirror and saw sweat and yellow eyes. Nothing was helping and the pain was growing worse. I called my in-laws to take me to the hospital. While at the emergency room, I received and IV immediately and Demerol for the pain and took several tests. I had a diseased gall bladder, gall stones that had stopped up my digestive track and infected the pancreas (pancreatitis) and obstructed the normal function of the Liver and stomach. I was told that I needed to have my diseased gall bladder and stones removed a.s.a.p. but there was not a surgeon available until the next day. They decided to continue to pump fluids through me and put me on the surgery schedule for the next day. I was admitted for a 7 night stay at Fairfield Medical Center. The next day I had visitors from our church in Columbus. Pastor Vaughan asked (forgive me if I phase this not word perfect), " Have you learned anything yet?" That was the content of the question. As in, God is teaching you something..."Have you learned anything yet?" Before I responded, I was thinking.... "This of all times, was not a question I am ready to hear from anyone. How dare a person, ask me that while I lay here feeling like I am going to die. What kind of question is that????? Of course, I have learned something, God is in control, this too is for a purpose and I will make it through. I am always learning. "God forsake the day when I stop learning from Him, His word and become too big for my britches!!!!!" My response to my old Pastor, as I "proudly" sat up in my "busting britches" with a cringe, "Yes, I am learning. God is great, He is sovereign and this is for a purpose" Little did I know that I was yet to experience what He wanted me to learn.
I can still say, it felt like the worst week in my entire life. The day after the surgery, I noticed that I had a numbness in my right leg and it never wore off. Two days after the surgery, a doctor ran an extremely painful EMG test. It basically was a test where I was shocked with electrical current and the doctor took measurement of how long it took for the current to run along the nerves "Point A to Point B". Each time an electrical current shot, I felt like I should be clinging to the ceiling. I thought' "this must be what torture feels like?" That was a point were I started thinking that I was not going to make it. Not only did I have numbness in my leg but that day, I was also starting to experience the same type of pain I had just before going to the emergency room. The nurses started giving me higher and higher doses of morphine. The next day I was turning yellow/jaundice again. That very night it got to the point that I knew that I had to ask for more prayer and asked our Pastor that even if the people in the congregation would get on their knees to humbly bow and pray to God. I knew that my life was not at all in my hands or the Doctors, but in the hand of the Living God, my Lord. The next morning I was told that I needed another surgery that day. That my digestive system was still not functioning the pacreas was still extreemly inflamed/infected and the liver was not functioning correctly. Some of the gall stones had traveled beyond the reach of the instruments used in the previous surgery. So a different doctor was called in to perform a different procedure-a endosocapy. That same day I had a MRI to see if something had happened to my spinal cord during the surgery that caused my leg to become unresponsive in places. What an experience!!! That evening, I had the endooscapy. At 2:00am, the nurses had me up, (even though I was still dazed from anaesthetic) taking me to get x-rays. My body did not like that, so I vomited on the nurses who got me up and also in the x-ray room. I was so queasy. Remember, I hadn’t ate any major food in over a week. The next morning, I did start feeling a little better. By noon, I actually started getting my appetite back. A nurse brought in lunch. I saw that it was the disgusting soup broth and green Jell-O. Instead of giving thanks to God, I said "Uhhhh, this gross stuff....whatever, at least I have an appetite". Within seconds of taking my first sips and bites another nurse comes in and says, "Wait!!! that is not your lunch. You are not suppose to get that!!!" I thought, "Yea!!! Real food coming up!" Then another nurse comes in and says, "You are scheduled for a CAT scan today and you can't have lunch. But, you get to drink this!" It was the most disgusting stuff I ever had. Just one of the many reasons, I had to stop breastfeeding Sarah. I gagged and started to vomit each time I attempted to take a sip. I finally held my nose and drank. Most of it ended up down my hospital shirt and was about as good as the sponge bath I had each day. A lesson there was to be thankful. "In all things, give thanks!" Even after that, I started giving thanks for the nourishment through the IV that I was getting. The doctors could not find anything else wrong in me from the MRI or the CAT scan. By the eighth and last day, I felt so tortured, that I was beginning to think that this was turning out to be an insane asylum from the 50 and 60's. I went home without the full use of my right leg. It took 2 months of chiropractic therapy to heal the 3 nerves, pinched in my vertebra. It was not until weeks after I was released from the hospital that I reflected whole heatedly on the things God spoke to me about through His word. Even today, I keep a small note in my wallet to remind me of the 3 precious things God taught me through His word and through that painful, adventurous week. It was not at all fun.
Three things I learned to answer my pastor’s question...
1. TRUST IN GOD
- In confronting one of my biggest fears - pain (Ps. 18:1,2)
- Letting go, relinquishing all control over my body functions and "drive"
- Faith - Let God take care where I can't
- God's absolute, total sovernity
Romans 8:28-30g
2 Cor. 4:17-18
2. IDENTITY
-With Christ (pain- just a tiny fraction of the pain that He experienced)
-With Others (in hospitals, in pain)
3. RESULTED IN BEGINNING A NEW LEVEL OF GROWTH "REVIVAL" (Which continues on to today)
-Humbleness (2 Cron. 7:14)
-Compassion for others (that lacked before)
-Sense of Urgency
-Help others that I identify with (2 Cor. 1:3-5)
- Praying with a greater faith and humbleness
-Praise Him during affliction (2 Cor. 4:18)
- No Gossip/negative reports Eph. 4:29
I put gossip here (very personal note here)-Seemed like every time a "bad/negative" report was communicated from my mouth that it was always and I mean always followed by something physically painful happening. (Right from the beginning!) It was not always me that brought gossip up. I don’t say that with pride either. It is just as sinful to respond to what you hear. It got to the point where I understood the connection and even "tested" God on it. "How stupid of me!!" It was all too co-incidental - I want to call this personal chastisement. Boy, I shamefully say- I truly did some serious confessing and repenting on that. It is something that I am much, much, much, much more cautious about even now.
JUNE 1999
Much to my amazement, God continued to reveal another hospital trial in my life only 2 months later when my mother had a brain aneurysm. I am truly amazed how God had prepared me to confront this trial and go through it, depending on His strength and reflecting it, which is not normally me. Before all of this, I absolutely was the biggest wimp (still a wimp) and extremely fearful of pain and being in hospitals. I had never been in one. But yet, as God had prepared me, He enabled me to share His word with others through an open door of identity with others going through the same situation as I was with my mother. (Read 2 Cor. 1:3-7) A small 24' X 16' SICU waiting room was such opportunity to share, witness, comfort and encourage.
[One such example that has left a lasting impression on me was the Baura family. There family moved to the US from Bangladish after their war for independence in the 1970's. Their father was admitted the the SICU one day after my mother and with the same type of medical situation. The Baura family and my dad and I talked and shared alot. It was neat to get alone and talk with the main daughter, Joya. I shared Jesus with her and she seemed to understand but did not want to dishonor her family who is very Buddist. Our conversations ended up more about "church" and being good. It was hard sharing with her b/c she knew that she was a sinner, but her familiy traditions & thoughts and writing of the Deli-Lama was what she could "tangibly" focus upon. All I could do was just share scripture. I had a confrontation with Joya's mother (speaks no English) who observed my testimony and wanted to know if she might go and pray to our own God with me at my mother's bedside and then she had some "holy-ash" she brought back from the "sacred grounds" that she might apply to my mother's forehead to heal her. "Whew!!!???" what do you do here??? I went out of my way to convey my gracious thankfulness for her thoughtful gesture but I added that I could not depend on anything else other than Jesus Christ. That the ash would give testimony to my confidence in something other than Jesus Christ. This was all done with her daughter, Joya translating. Joya and I talked later and she said her mother was hurt at first but was fine with it. Joya and I continue to share with one another. One day our old Pastor came to visit my mother. She was sleeping, so I asked him and his wife to come around and "do some visitation" with a couple others. I told them about Joya and her family. Our old Pastor and wife said, "we know somebody from Bangladesh. A missionary named Dr. Viggo Olsen (ABWE) who served and forsaw the establishment of the Christian Memorial Hospital. There is a book about his testimony and how God used him in going into missions in Bangladesh, called DAKTAR. Jackie, you should read it. It is very good book". I thought, "okay, Pastor Vaughan & wife seem to know someone in every port of call. And, another book they want me to read...." We went to visit with Joya and her semi-unconscious father. Pastor V and wife told Joya who they knew and Joya's eye-balls popped out and she covered her mouth. She not only knew who Viggo Olsen was but her family had very close associations and a fondness for the Olsen family and the hospital. Joya grew up playing with Viggo Olsen's daughter, Wendy. Small world!!!! This may explain that she knew the gospel I was sharing but wants to blend it without giving up her family traditions and ties. Please pray for Joya and the Baura family that they might surrender and receive Christ alone. The whole experience with them has left another impression on my heart. Not, to mention I did read DAKTAR. It is one of the most incredible books (besides the Bible) I have read, giving testimony to God’s faithfulness to those who obey Him in the mission field.
What exciting times of prayer was had there.
[Lawrance Bowman, a Rio SEARCH student called one day and introduced himself and asked if he might come and pray with me for my mother and encourage me. I invited him to come to the SICU room. When he got to the hospital, he just happen to ride up on the elevator with Pastor V and wife. They all came in, visited with my un-conscience mother and then I introduced them to one another. We all sat down in a small circle in the now crouded (30 peopole? ) waiting room. I asked Lawrance to share his testimony. What Lawrence was unaware of, with his unique voice and projecction, was that the room became more and more quiet as he shared and stayed quiet. It was really cool. We then prayed together and Pastor and wife left. Lawrence stayed and we opend our Bibles to look at scripture with Zelma, a Christian lady who had been in the SICU waiting room with me since day one. Again, as scripture was being read, it was quiet. After a few minutes a huge family came down the hall greiving loudly to find the waiting room full. A couple people gave up their chairs next to the hallway for the man, sister and his Pastor. This man's wife came in with a brain annyursm like my mother's, however it was unoperatable. The lady was brain dead and would be expired within two hours. The man's pastor, not seeming to know what to say or do to give comfort jumped up and said, "Well, you know that the Lord helps those who helps themselves." I look around to Lawrence and see him kinda dumbstruck not so much for the comment as I was, but because he had never been in an SICU waiting room and observed grief like that. I was getting use to seeing grief because it was a 50/50 place. There were folks in that room who didn't have there loved one come out alive. I looked down at my Bible after the Pastor's comment made the whole place quiet. This was not me here.......it had to be the Holy Spirt.....I began reading Romans 8:28,29 then flipped and read 2 Cor 12:9,10 and some other things. I typically don't do this kind of thing. It was like it was not me and God was just controlling my body and mouth. Wierd? Later, the Pastor and the sister got with me to write down scripture verses to focus on. (Again, I am not here to boast on myself, it was God here, not me. I would of been "Balk, balk" chicken and flew away") ]
I consider it such a privilege to see God working. You see, we are not to live by sight, but by faith alone. How precious it is, when God does reveal Himself working in your life and the lives of others. It is encouraging to no end to see that. But, that is not to be my main source of my encouragement. I am very, very humbled that God even used me in that way. Just blows my mind. It is something that I would least expect. I have no idea of God's mysteries and what He has planned for each day. I am a person who does much analyzing and self-examination. God is so great that I will not at all figure Him out. Not until the day that I am perfected in Him. The one thing He brought clearly into focus was His great, absolute and total sovergnity. He is in absolute total control.
So many more things has happened over the last year including other times visiting hospitals: In Oct. as my close friend lost her husband (another close friend of ours) to cancer. Last January, my neighbor Tami had near heart attack and called me to come visit with her after she got home. See insert:
[RE: my neighbor, across the street – Tami (please pray for her salvation)
I want to thank God and praise Him for you taking a prayer request seriously and with urgency. This is again about Tami. David, as I was in tears this morning, God just brought to mind that it was one year ago in January, I first met my neighbor, across the street, Tami. At that point I started to pray for her especially when I took time to look out my front window. That God would establish a relationship with her that I might have opportunity to share the gospel, if He would use me in that way. As I mentioned to you before, all throughout the year God has given several opportunities to get to know her and vise a versa. He gave opportunity to go play golf with her. Opportunities to work together in the yard and to eat together. As you know, over the last couple weeks, God has really put her on my heart to pray even more specifically. A week ago Monday night, she opened up and shared with me. The very next day she ended up in the hospital. Physical difficulties resulting from some of the very things she shared with me. Doug told me that she had called me twice looking for me. I called her Thursday, not knowing what had happened. The minute I got home last Friday I went to visit her as she had gotten back home. Saturday, God gave opportunity for us to talk more. God constantly has her on my heart in a way like nothing else. I went over last night and 45 minutes before church I was, through the holy spirit, ABLE TO SHARE THE GOSPEL WITH HER !!!!! I used the bridge illustration and then demonstrated a free gift with some coins. Then, I being so concerned about church left and did'nt give her a chance to respond. Humm, what is more important here? a soul or being at church on time???? How my judgment was off!!!! All during the service I could not even focus on what the Pastor was saying out of Titus 2 except "Humility before honor". How I so boasted to Doug that "I " gave out the gospel. And how God so reminded me during service that He is in charge and I needed to go back and give her an opportunity to respond. I even went forward at the end of the service. I was able to, together, sit and pray with our deacon's wife about specifically what I still needed to do. Following, note on what happened.... Pastor asked me to let him know what happened so that he could pray specifically. So following is copy
Tonight, I just got home at 12:40. I spent several hours with her. God gave the boldness (believe me - not me) to share outright just why I came back. I didn't want to see her go into eternity, especially without even having opportunity to respond. I gave her opportunity to respond to the gospel. She was so very receptive and open to everything. She said that she still wanted to go back and reread the verses on salvation that I gave to her and that she could be ready tomorrow or 5 years from tomorrow. After listening to Tami share for several hours and sharing detailed testimony of our great savior had done in my once rotten life for several hours I got ready to leave and asked her to do two things for me #1 - Not to try to go to work tomorrow if she continues to have the chest pains and ulcer pains #2 To consider the claims of Christ / the verses I shared. I reminded her about the sinners prayer that she could pray anytime. And to let me know when she receives Christ. I reminded her that this is such an important issue to get settled and it was the most important decision that I had made in my life. I am concerned that I may of been too forward/bold. As for leaving to go back to my folks tomorrow, I really feel torn, especially after tonight but, I am going subject to the plans of my LORD as to go or to stay. I have got to trust Him because He knows. I also invited Tami to come over or call me tomorrow if she does not go into work. I let her know that I was not coming back over and she would need to be the first to make contact if she wanted to talk to me because I don't want her to feel as though I am forcing her to do something. I just want to make sure that I am not interjecting too much and make sure I am not hindering the holy spirit. This is where I specifically ask for prayer. It will be the holy spirit that does the work without using me. So maybe we are bettter off???? Me and my mouth, I may have confused her. But God's word is absolutely clear. 1 Cor.2. 9,10. All I can do is pray, unless God moves me to do more. PRAY that every hindrance, obstacle and excuse would be removed!!!! Pray that she searches out the scripture and is sensitive to the leading of the holy spirit. I just have to remember this is God's timing. I am so impatient. There are a lot of elements that in a confidence and trust with her that I am not able to share with you. My plea, is just for urgent prayer for her to search the scripture and be sensitive to the leading of the holy spirit that she may receive Jesus Christ as Lord and Savior. My selfish desire is that to be AS SOON AS POSSIBLE. But God does has his timing and He does not desire that any should perish. My mother and father are reading in the book of John. I pray that they would apply His word, as they are still baby Christians. Please pray specifically that my Father would get more help in his office that he might be able to be home more with my Mother or that he might find someone to come in and sit with her two hours a day. Please pray for me, as sometimes I get physically tired. That I remember to wait on God and wait only on Him. (Psalms 62). I just can't believe that so much is going on. However, it is a full, alive and joyful life in Jesus Christ. How could I ask for more!!!! Thank you so much for you prayer and encouragement. In Him - Jackie
Then hospital visit with Diana Tragar-,see insert of what happened:
[Yesterday about 4:30pm, a new birth in Christ occurred at Mt. Carmel East Hospital. Name: Diana Trager. She works at MCL Cafeteria Eastland where my office was. At Mount Carmel Hospital (room 267) She is in the very same hallway of the step down unit my mother was in. I happened to be meeting for lunch with a former co-worker, Kelly and her son (Sarah's age) and found out that Diana had been in the hospital 7 days, just like I was last year. Except she was found with a tumor in her stomach. Dr.'s still waiting on results to see if tumor is cancerous. Kelly was able to watch Sarah at her home while I went to visit Diana. God showed this to me as a prime opportunity to share the gospel with her. I had given her my written testimony at work. I saw her almost daily at work.
Diana was a pretty headstrong girl (she is about 38, 39). I prayed on the way there, that God would bind Satan and remove all hindrance and distractions. That if the opportunity were ripe that the gospel could be presented. When I got there, I had to go to the bathroom. So I used the main floor bathroom - a single room. I then got down on my knees and prayed for the opportunity as I did while driving. I could not believe how God put that compassion there and how I could so EASILY talk with her and relate and sympathize with her there in the hospital. I was really able to understand what she was going through. I asked a few questions and then reminded her of when I had hit my 7th day in the hospital and how I was feeling. Most importantly, the question that went through my mind, "If I were to die today, would I know for sure where I would spend eternity. ( I am getting goose pimples, just reliving this as I write this to you!) I let her know that I had promises from God that I knew for sure and I was at peace and had sure incredible comfort. I asked her if she would like to hear those promises. So I shared John 5:24, John 10:27-30 and one more. I shared how the words common in those verses were (believe, receive) I asked if she would like to hear how to do that. She was ready!!!!! It was really awesome getting to share with her. I did give her a chance to respond but I also told her that I didn't want to push this and she could do this alone. She reminded me how she never felt that I ever pushed "religion" on her and was appreciative of that. SHE WANTED TO PRAY WITH ME AT THAT MOMENT TO RECEIVE JESUS!!!!!!!! Just as we are getting ready to pray, her husband Jim comes in. He saw the Bible and was so excited. He had a big smile on his face and said that I am saving him $23,000 in counseling for Diana! I'm like "huh?" He said that he knows that God did all this for a reason and Jim has been trying to tell Diana that it is time to turn your life around and God should be part of that!!! I didn't know if her husband had received Christ so I asked Diana and Jim if they would like to hear (again for Diana) what I was just sharing. Jim was all ready and all ears. We went through it again. My main concern was Diana but now Jim heard this too. So again I asked Diana if she still wanted to pray to receive Jesus. She was ready. So all three of us prayed together in that little hospital room and Diana followed me in the sinner's prayer. I then gave her again, verses of assurance. I left her with a small new Testament Bible. Jim is ready and wanted me to come to their home for Bible study when she comes home. Me??? I am just BLOWN AWAY !!!!! What an AWESOME GOD we have!!!!!!!!! Ephesians 3:20 !!!!
On my way out, just before I got back on the elevator, I took a walk back to the SICU waiting area where my family and I spent almost a month, wondering if my mother would live or not. I had to just take one long look and wonder. God's sovergnity. WOW!!!! ]
In each thing, God has used the basic things that he taught me from my hospital stay.
The more I look to God in His word, the more I have an understanding of some things. But there will be some things that may puzzle me the rest of my life! I know and so much realize that I have yet so much growing to do in the Lord and in obedience to Him. Knowing I will never be perfectly obedient to Him until He presents me that way to His Father. I think it is easy to get distracted if not focusing on God's word and obedience to it. My middle name should be "distracted" sometimes!!! If we are not yielding to God's spirit and letting the holy spirit control us. Think about this with me. If we are not letting yielding to the holy spirit and letting him control us then who/ what is? Hummmm? Our flesh? Hummm....What is our flesh(self) controlled by? hummm. Are any of us perfect all of the time? I will be the first to say that I am not controlled by the holy spirit 100% of the time. I struggle with this. I do still struggle with the fact of whatever happened at our old church once we moved. It is so hard to leave people. We do keep in contact. But again, I have comfort in knowing that GOD IS IN CONTROL, this too for His good purpose. God does not need us. He needs nothing from us. He just desires our faithfulness and glorifying Him alone. I have comfort as I reflect upon God's sovergnity. It is interesting to see what God is doing now at our old church! - He is good all the time..... I am just so very, very thankful (I wish that I had that attitude 100% of the time) for where we are right now and what God has been showing us through His word and from the preaching and teaching of the word that we have received here at Calvary. Please pray that we will fully yield ourselves to whatever our LORD wants, as He is working in our lives.