By Kristin ([email protected])
"Stupid game...", Pacey muttered to himself. "I was so sure that he was going to pick paper. Piece of shit kid's game..."
The snack booth was lit up with red and white lights, casting an obscene glow over the three lines of equally grumpy customers. Pacey stood in the middle of his row, hands crossed over his chest and ticking down the seconds in his head. //The movie's gonna start in 5 minutes. Move people! How long does it take to order popcorn and a drink?//
How could the noise be so deafening while his world was shrouded in silence? On a Friday night *all* of Capeside who yearned for a flick predictably flocked to this movie theatre. Small children screeched at each other, the struggle for dominance already raging strong. Above their heads, mothers gossiped loudly in order to be heard over the din. Young lovebirds cuddled and bestowed promises that would never be kept. The sounds overlapped andtumbled over each other, encircling and blanketing Pacey. And yet, he was detached-left alone with his thoughts. Questions he had been running from, surrounding himself with technological and human distractions, came creeping to the forefront.
//What am I doing? I'm getting in way over my head, aren't I?// His mind explored the past several weeks-and Jack's prevalent role in them. //We're friends. Friends. Yep, friends who hold hands and cuddle. Friends. That's why I sometimes feel like leaning over and licking his cheek, his shoulder, his neck...to see what he tastes like. Oh yeah, that's not in the least bit gay.// He snorted at himself.
//But I'm *not* gay. I've had sex with females and enjoyed it.// Pacey shook his head in frustration, earning a few strange glances from nearby moviegoers. //Alright, me. You've been putting this off *forever*. 'I'll deal with it later, let's just go with the flow, blah, blah, blah.' Well god damn you psyche! I'm mad as hell and I'm not gonna take it anymore!// Pacey snickered to himself silently. //OK// He took a deep breath and prepared for mental warfare.
He wasn't gay. That could be quickly established. But he did have...feelings for Jack. Dawson had never given him warm gooeyness when he patted Pacey on the back. This was something different. Yet it was also something nice-Pacey *liked* the sensations that Jack's company had begun to provoke in him. But how much--that was the question of the hour...
//Let's be realistic here. If I don't back out now-and I mean *this instant*-then I could be passing the 'point of no return'. Do I want a *relationship* with another guy? With Jack? Is this worth completely restructuring my world view and the way I define myself?// Part of Pacey was panicked by the very idea-by the fact that he was even considering it. But the rest of Pacey...well, he simply couldn't picture a life without Jack anymore. And not just a friendship with him either. Pacey wanted it all-despite the fact that he didn't quite know what "it all" would entail.
//So let me get this straight.. Straight! Ha! Ha!.. Oh god, now I'm telling dumb jokes *in my head*--which reminds me that I've been standing here having a full on conversation with myself. Isn't that the first sign of insanity? Great. Just great. Now I'm not only.. um... bisexual or whatever...but I'm insane too! Wonderful! So...I want Jack to be my boyfriend. Assuming that he *wants* to be my boyfriend. Shit. Something I didn't really figure into this pathetic excuse for an equation. Just because Jack's gay doesn't mean that he necessarily wants me. But all of that extra physical stuff... I thought that we'd already decided-stop saying "we", it makes you sound even more nuts-*I* thought that I'd already decided that things had gone way beyond friendship. Don't add paranoid to your/our/my ever growing list of neuroses?. He wants me. So how do I tell him? *Do* I tell him?//
"Would you like to order?" A pimply faced teenager with an ugly black bow-tie broke Pacey's train of thought.
"Um, yeah. Let me have..."
"I'm sorry Pace, you missed the first five minutes." The guilt painted across Jack's face was evident even in the darkness of the theatre.
"No problem. When a man needs Milk Duds and popcorn, he *needs* Milk Duds and popcorn". Pacey sent the other boy a bright smile to reassure him, still shivering from the feel of Jack's warm breath whispering in his ear. "Besides, these movies don't have a plot to miss. That's half the fun..."
The streets were deserted as they walked home, with only a few street-lamps to cast a visible glow upon the sidewalk. A light breeze blew through the town, causing the boys to clutch their jackets tighter and pull together for warmth. Pacey was glad that they had decided not to take the car tonight. Their evenings always seemed to end too early and he dreaded going home-not that living with Doug was so horrible, because it wasn't. But it felt so good just being with Jack that Pacey hated to leave. It was moments like this that he savored-the two of them all alone, not afraid to touch each other but never commenting on it, pointless rambling conversation that easily passed the time. If Jen was wrong, and there *was* such thing as heaven, it was right here. This was it.
"Kid Rock and Eminem...who would win in a fight?"
"Ah man, that's a tough one.. Umm.. Eminem because he hangs out with all of the hardcore rappers. I bet they've taught him how to kick some serious ass! And they'd back him up in a fight too."
"Yeah, but Kid Rock's all cool and angry white trash. I bet he spent years fighting in bars and stuff..."
"Hmm..alright. Tie."
"How about Neo from The Matrix vs. Superman?"
"Neo at the beginning of the movie or at the end of the movie?"
"At the end."
"Neo. Totally. He can control the whole world and stop bullets with a thought. He'd whip Superman's butt."
"But Superman can dodge bullets and fly too. Plus he has that special vision."
"Ahhh.. But Superman is still plugged into the Matrix so he's confined by limitations. Plus, he has a weakness-kryptonite."
"Yeah. You're right." Jack sent out a shining Pacey-smile, but then scowled when he realized that they had reached Doug's apartment.
Pacey approached the door nervously, not sure what he wanted to say but positive that he needed to say *something* more than goodbye that night... //Shit!//
"Jack... the door's locked."
Jack paused in his own inner musings and stared at the other boy. "Don't you have a key?"
"Well, Doug said he'd be home all night and I didn't feel like trying to cram my wallet *and* the keyring into my back pocket." The other boy gave Pacey a look of disbelief. "Ok. I'm an idiot. But what are we going to do?"
Jack walked around to the window and rattled it, checking to see if anything would budge.
"Don't wake my brother up!", Pacey hissed. "He'll kill me!"
"Then at least you'd be inside!" Jack threw his hands up in frustration.
"Nah, he'd probably leave my body down on the sidewalk..." They both chuckled and relaxed, leaning against the door. A minute or two passed in comfortable silence before Jack made a decision.
"You could spend the night with me..."
"You mean stay at your house tonight?"
"Yeah." Jack blushed and ducked his head.
"Sure, that would be cool." Pacey smiled and deliberately slipped his hand into Jacks, pulling him away from the door. A quiet air seemed to have settled over the boys and little conversation brewed on the rest of the walk. Both were concentrating on their linked hands and every brush of their shoulders. And Pacey had a feeling that his life had become officially more complicated.
"I don't suppose that you have an extra toothbrush..?"
"Actually..." Jack reached into a drawer under the sink and pulled one out, still boxed up. At Pacey's questioning look he just shrugged. "Andie likes to be prepared."
"Yeah, if there was one thing I learned in the last couple years it was that your sister is the most anal person I'll *ever* meet."
The two boys laughed loudly while they finished brushing their teeth, as their memories filled with 'anal-Andie-moments'. Then Jack's face turned abruptly serious.
"Do you still love her?"
"What?" Pacey was surprised to say the least. "Andie was good for me-she helped me see myself in a different light. And I cared for her alot at one time. But it wasn't 'true love' or anything. Just two kids that needed each other. And then she slept with someone else... Me and Andie are over. Way over. Hell, we've been broken up for about a year. I even moved on to Joey. Granted, that was more of an infatuation with the *idea* of Joey... But still..."
Summoning up courage that he didn't even know he had, Jack took a step closer and brushed his thumb over Pacey's cheek. Pacey's breath caught in his throat and he stared transfixed into the other boy's eyes.
"So is this an infatuation with the idea of Jack..?" Jack nearly had a heart attack when he realized what exactly had come out of his mouth. He held his breath as he awaited the answer.
Pacey's thoughts flew into overdrive as his earlier conversation with himself replayed in his mind. //Ok me. This is just like those annoying Nike commercials. Just do it.//
"I don't really know what this is. But I don't think that it's an infatuation."
Before he could second guess himself, Pacey placed a hand in the small of Jack's back and brought him tightly against his body. He licked his lips and cautiously pressed them against Jack's, forcing himself to let loose some of his inhibitions.
//This is nothing like kissing Joey.// Every nerve ending in Pacy's body centered in on their joined lips. //That was hormones. This is real.// Jack was so warm, so soft. It was the strangest sensation-he was sinking, grounding himself in the other boy, but at the same time he was soaring. Lips parted under his pressure and Pacey's skin seemed to come alive, tingling along his body as their tongues met. It was all so syrupy sweet and the inside of Jack's mouth felt like silk. Soon he was out of breath, his head swimming, but Pacey couldn't stop. It felt too good to let go...
Finally Jack pulled gently away and the two boys stared at each other in shock, panting and dizzy.
"It's late... I guess we should...get to bed." Pacey looked away awkwardly, unsure of how he was expected to behave.
"Yeah..." Jack sensed the other boy's uncertainty and reached over to slide his hand down Pacey's arm in a comforting gesture. He was rewarded
with a shy smile.
They climbed into bed and settled in, shifting positions until a compromise could be reached. Pacey lay on his back, his legs sprawled across the bed. Jack lay curled up on his side, an arm and a leg thrown over the other boy for warmth and security.
"Jack..."
"UmmHmm?"
"Does this mean... Are we...going out?"
Jack's heart nearly skipped a beat and he froze. Then a liquid warmth filled his chest and every muscle in his body let go, leaving him a pool of *very* happy jelly.
"I'd like that."
Pacey craned his head downward and to the side, kissing the top of Jack's head. The two settled quietly against each other, drifting into the deepest sleep that they had ever had.
"What are you making?" Jack stumbled into the kitchen, rubbing his eyes to ward away the sleep still clinging. He'd felt like a walking corpse when he pulled himself out of bed that morning. But now... The sight of a wide awake and cheerful Pacey did wonders to jog his worn out system. He couldn't help but smile.
"Scrambled eggs and bacon. Come here, it'll put hair on your chest!" Pacey gestured grandly to his cooking masterpiece on the stove.
Jack gave it a tentative sniff and felt his mouth water.
"Smells good. You're perfect." He wound his arms around Pacey's waist and savored the new feelings coursing through his body. "Excellent taste in movies, great cook, *amazing* kisser..."
Their lips met lightly but then picked up speed. Intoxicated by the feel of the other boy's skin, Jack ran his hands under Pacey's shirt, exploring the smooth texture of his back.
Then the sound of glass shattering.
"Pacey...", a soft voice whimpered, and both boys spun around to face Andie standing over a broken cup and shaking in shock.
"Jack...what are you doing to Pacey? He's not gay." She took a deep breath, trying to keep herself from screaming. "You know how I still feel about him. Now Joey's with Dawson...so...so... JUST EXPLAIN THIS TO ME!!!!!"
A hush fell over the kitchen as the boys stood still as stone-unable to offer comfort, refusing to deny anything.
~Confusion in Your Eyes~
~I see confusion in your eyes
A heartless shell exposed
Fragile are all lies
I hear a need in your voice
Twisting turning thoughts
That tie me up in knots
And hesitation in your wish
To find what has been lost
I know you will not look~
-Human Drama
Silence hung ominously over the kitchen, the air thick with tension. Jack and Pacey were no longer embracing but an intimate familiarity remained. Andie stood trembling in the doorway, mind spinning helplessly. She wasn't there-not really. She was back in the bathroom, running from her inner demons.
She shatters the mirror and faintly outside she can hear Jack and Pacey pleading... And Tim, his soft touches smoothing back her hair. The ground is cold, but she has to be *down*. And they're screaming outside, the boys are, and it's all so far away. But wait... no. They're right in front of her...and quiet. Silent and stiff, watching her with those eyes. //Am I crazy again?// Everything was so confusing...
"This isn't right! This isn't how it's supposed to be!" Andie's voice bordered on hysteria and it finally broke through to the two boys, shaking them to life.
"Andie..." Pacey left Jack's side and spoke soothingly to the girl, as if one would to a wounded animal. "What's going on? I thought that you were fine with Jack dating guys. You were encouraging him..." Honestly puzzled, he reached out a hand to stroke her shoulder. Andie jerked away from his touch as if it were a venomous snake.
"Don't." Her voice faltered and tears shimmered in widened eyes.
//I'm going to go to sleep. Go to sleep and wake up and everything will be normal again.//
Andie closed her eyes and concentrated on her breathing.
//This isn't Pacey. Pacey loves me; he needs me. Pacey doesn't kiss guys. Pacey didn't really want Joey, but we had to be even. Now he hurt me like I hurt him and we can be happy again. This is all going to go away. I can just explain it them, can't I? They have to *know* that they're doing it all wrong...//
"Andie?" Pacey was trying again, creeping closer with a concerned look on his face. "Are you ok?"
"Oh Pacey..." Andie launched herself into his arms, clinging tightly with her wrists hooked behind his neck. Burrowing her face into his neck, she breathed in the remnants of his cologne and sighed. //Pacey...//
"Hey Andie, what's going on?" Pacey let out a forced laugh and tried to gently detach himself.
"I missed you", Andie whispered, fingers sliding over his neck.
"Hey, wait a minute." Pacey tried to slip out of Andie's grasp, wondering when things had taken such a turn for the surreal.
"Look Pace... I'm just going to take a shower. Uh, catch you later."
Sickened at the sight of his sister in Pacey's arms, Jack fled to the safety of his room.
//I'm so *stupid*. I knew she still hoped that they'd patch things up. And no matter what has happened this summer, Pacey isn't gay. Maybe he was just confused and lonely...//
Reaching his bedroom, Jack quickly disrobed and climbed into the shower. Leaning back against the tiles, he let the stream wash over him. Jack closed his eyes and prayed that the water could cleanse the feel of Pacey from his body, blotting out the memory of warm lips and silky skin underneath his hands. God, if only Pacey didn't feel so *good*. Hot tears mixed with the pounding spray of water, traveling down the length of his body.
Downstairs, Pacey's mind was working at lightning speed. It raced against time, determined to take control of the situation and nullify it.
//First, get Andie sitting down...preferably across the table from me.//
"Why don't we sit down and talk this out. Everything's fine. Let's just sort stuff out..."
//Shit. I don't know if I can fix this. I couldn't fix her before, none of us could. She had to go...away... Jesus Christ!! Has she even been seeing anyone down here since she got out? Just because they said she could come home didn't mean Andie was done with counseling...And how come I never noticed all of these expectations? Come on Andie, be strong for me right now. I really need you to do this for me...//
"Ok." Andie answered him obediently, in a small voice. She took a seat in one of the kitchen chairs, positioning herself delicately on the edge.
//God, she's so fragile... so delicate underneath the bright chattering. I *do* care Andie, I always will. But we can't go back. I'm so sorry...//
Pacey felt a wave of self-loathing flow down his chest, eating into his heart like poison. A burn of anger quickly chased it down, dissolving and
re-directing the pain at the world.
//Why the hell does it have to be so *fucking* hard? I can never be just me here. Every thought, every action has to be discussed and approved with "the group". Sometimes what I want isn't logical-it *doesn't* make sense. It's just instinct, you know? Of course you know-you're me. That's it. They're driving me insane. It's official. Capeside stamp of approval.//
Mocking laughter left his mouth before he could stop himself, and Andie looked up with hurt in her eyes. Flushing red, Pacey cleared his throat.
"That wasn't directed toward you. I was just...uh...thinking about something kinda funny...in a sick way."
"I'm sorry about...grabbing onto you like that." Andie's voice was still a timid whisper, yet it was slowly regaining its bright tone. "I just missed you so much Pacey. I miss spending time with you, I miss holding you, I miss kissing you.. I guess I just miss being your girlfriend." Andie gave him an earnest smile from across the table, hope shining in her eyes.
"I know, why didn't I say anything before?" She began to bubble, clearly over her earlier shock. "But you were really distant for awhile so I thought I'd give you some space. And then with Joey...you were all caught up in that. But now she's back with Dawson and everything's the way it was. I wanted to try again, you know, follow their example. But you were never home when I called. And when you were over here you were always with Jack..."
A dark cloud crossed her face as she remembered exactly *how* the boys had been spending their time when she walked in that morning.
"What was Jack doing to you earlier? Was that a joke or something? Because he was being kinda rude. Jack knows that you're not gay-obviously! That's not very funny..." Annoyance graced the young woman's face, and Pacey was at a loss for words.
"Andie.." He started, and stopped abruptly.
"Andie... I don't think... You weren't really seeing what you thought you were seeing."
"Jack wasn't kissing you?" Andie wore a look of exasperation. //Jeez Pacey, and people accuse *me* of being in denial//
"Yes...no. You see...It's not like Jack was just kissing me. Me and Jack were kissing...together. As in a mutual boy-is-this-fun-let's-get-naked kind of way. Not that we *were* naked or even about to get naked. I don't think I'm ready for that yet--with Jack. 'Cause I know that I'm not a virgin or anything-which you're well aware of. But with Jack...Of course I was *thinking* about it-in the way that a person can want the idea of something without really knowing what that something would entail...And I'm rambling pretty bad here, huh? Guess I'm really nervous..."
//And I think most of that fell into the category of too much information. Great. Juuuust great.//
Pacey's heart was racing and he had a sickening tickling in his stomach. It was as if little gnomes were playing in his intestines, urged on by the uncontrollable blabbing of his lips. Everything was coming out all wrong. He was just blurting out whatever came to mind, and although in many cases that would be helpful-even admirable-in this case it could only amplify the damage.
//Ok. Take a deep breath. Remain calm and carefully structure your answers to pacify the troubled ex-girlfriend. And whatever you do, DO NOT talk about sex. Hey! No thinking about it either. That's it. I just *know* there's a higher power, because someone up there is definitely laughing at me...//
"So this isn't a joke? Or Jack being weird... You're gay now?" Andie felt all of the air being sucked out of her lungs and she gasped after it, praying that the man propelling this merry-go-round would slow it down and let her get off. Andie McPhee had everything under control now, all lined up straight. She didn't cry anymore. She didn't worry. That was the past-a time that had sunk beneath the waves of the glorious future. Pacey couldn't be gay. Pacey wasn't *allowed* to be gay. That wasn't in the plan. //Say no Pacey. Please. Just give me this one thing. Don't make me face it. It isn't fair. Don't take this away from me too. Please... We can pretend. We can all pretend and be happy. I promise.//
"Why do I have to be gay?" Pacey snapped at her bitterly, immediately regretting his harsh tone and smoothing it down a notch. "I like Jack. He makes me happy. I want to be with him. Those three simple facts shouldn't mean that I have to change my entire sexual orientation. Ok. So maybe they does mean that...in a way. But I'm still attracted to women...girls...whatever. I just like Jack more... Don't you ever watch "Undressed" on MTV? And don't give me that look--watching Undressed does *not* automatically make me gay!"
Andie let out a giggle, surprising herself. It felt...good. Free. Laughing for the sake of laughing, because something was funny whether she wanted it to be or not. Real. No images, no pressure, no fake happiness. Just a giggle-a giggle that said everything just might turn out alright after all. And she *did* love Pacey. It wasn't all dependence, not all of it. //Look at his eyes. They're so bright. Why couldn't I ever make his eyes that gorgeous?//
"So you and my brother... You're...dating?"
"Yeah. I guess we are."
The smile gracing Pacey's face to accompany those words twisted Andie's heart, just for an instant. It didn't snap, years of disappointment rendering it mercifully bendable, but the pain almost sank her to her knees. Just for an instant...and then it bounced back.
"I'm glad that you're happy. Or I will be...when I finish processing everything. I'm not going to do the "Dawson coping mechanism" and make a feud out of all this. Don't worry. You just have to give me time to adjust. I've gotta work things out in my head." She surprised Pacey and herself by smiling tenderly at him. Kissing his check softly, she got up from the chair and shot him one last parting look before giving herself the much needed space.
"See you around Pacey Witter..."
"See you around McPhee..."
Jack was lying silently on his bed, facing the wall, when he entered the room. The only audible noise was the soft sigh of the boy's breath, but Pacey doubted that he was slumbering.
//So beautiful...//
Sweat pants hugged the boy's slim thighs and hips, bunching up haphazardly down his legs. The pale skin of his back shone with scattered water droplets, sliding down his neck from still soaked hair. So still, like a statue. But soft, Pacey knew how soft that flesh was. How it yielded under his touch...
"So beautiful..."
Pacey was unaware that he had spoken aloud until a startled "Pacey? What?!" answered his unconscious whisper. Puzzled at the shock in Jack's voice, but too captivated at the moment to examine it, Pacey simply replied, "Shhhhhh..."
He crept soundlessly to the bed and placed a firm hand on Jack's shoulder, preventing him from turning around. "Shhhhhh..." Perching on one elbow, Pacey leaned down to lick the droplets of water from the other boy's back, tongue reaching out to caress and taste the still slippery skin. Jack shuttered as he felt the licks delving into his very soul, while Pacey's body shifted against Jack's with every downswoop of his head. One, two, three, four... He groaned helplessly, unable to form rational thought until Pacey has finished his task and settled against his back, arm draped tightly around Jack's waist. And then everything was warm and blurry, settling into a comfortable glow.
//Don't let this ever stop. Can we lay like this forever?//
"I sorted everything out with Andie", Pacey mumbled. "I'll tell you about it later. Feels too good to talk right now. You know?"
"I know."
~Wish I knew the way to reach the one I love
There is no way
Wish I had the charm to attract the one I love
But you see, I've got no charm~
-"Sea Sick, Yet Still Docked", Morrissey
~Interlude I: The Waiting Hour~ (Jack POV)
~I know your heart is breaking
Here in the waiting hour
And I know it can never heal
Here in the waiting hour
I know your heart is breaking
And I know how it feels the first time~
-Human Drama
Sometimes I just don't know.
Doubt's a funny thing. It starts small-worming it's way into your skull and fusing your insecurities together like a web...a web that catches all of the beauty and light and twists it into an unrecognizable mass of "unknown". It's there...digging into your thoughts, planting questions. Sometimes I wonder if doubt is consuming me, eating away at my insides until there's nothing left.
Because I feel so damned empty inside...
He's here, lying beside me in the dark. We were napping, basking in the glow of twilight aboard "True Love". And then time disappeared. Beautiful... curling into my arms, face tucked into my neck. Warm breath caresses my skin. But I feel so sick inside...
He was full of joy today. Smile nearly splitting his face, Pacey ran back and forth in excitement like a puppy unchained at long last. It should have been contagious, that easy grin, but my laughs were hollow and my chest hurt. It felt like little daggers scraping in an uneven rhythm, carving out a twisted song in my belly. The conversation spun dizzily in the air, bouncing from topic to topic with little thought. I let it rush over my head, interjecting opportune phrases to keep him satisfied. But I wasn't there you see, not really. I was trapped in doubts, frozen on the outside looking in.
He only kissed me once today, lips brushing across mine in a hurried hello. I gasped, reaching out to draw him in. But he was gone... Flitting off like a butterfly on the wind... untouchable... And doubt was ready, stealing out cautiously from its hiding place. It knew.
So beautiful. My lips brush against his hair, smelling cheap shampoo mixed with salty marine air. I breathe him in, savoring the moment. How many more will I have? Emotions well up, fighting to break free, but I push them back down. No more. Gotta take control.
Love's a funny thing. It can be so sweet, coating every word and action... Lifting you higher and higher...until you fall. Because you do, you know... Everyone does. Everyone except Jack McPhee. I can't stop love. I accept that. But I can control love, lock it deep inside with the rest of myself. I can hide. I'm used to it... Pretending...
Pacey doesn't love me. I can feel his soft body pressed against mine. I can brush hair tenderly back from his forehead. But he isn't mine. He'll *never* be mine. And I can't forget that. I can't *let* myself forget that.
He cares for me...he values my friendship above all else. But love's a funny thing, it never comes alone. Desire follows shortly, nipping at its heels. Desire... an intimate companion. It lives, it breathes inside of me. And I want him. I want him so bad.
But he only kissed me once today. And I feel cold inside... This isn't love. This isn't anything. And I keep seeing Andie in his arms, like she belongs there. Like I don't.
And doubt tells me to let go. Doubt tells me to push him away. And doubt wets my pillow at night as I toss and turn.
How much longer? How much time until he realizes what I already know? That he can't do this... the "this" that's going nowhere. And maybe I'm doing it. Maybe I'm distant. Maybe I'm silent. But I can't be the one to put myself out there. He knows that, doesn't he? I can't be the one because I *know* what I want. And I don't think he does... I think deep down he's just running from life. He's hiding behind me, this.
Because we've been together a month. And he's lying here sleeping beside me. And this is the closest we've gotten. And he's never said those three little words.
And sometimes I just don't know. I don't know if I'll ever feel his naked body pressed against mine. I don't know if I'll ever see his head thrown back in ecstasy. And maybe that shouldn't bother me... but it does. Because it makes me wonder...not knowing... I makes me wonder if I'll ever, for one clear crisp moment, know that he loves me with all of his soul. With no doubt. No pain. No Dawson, or Joey, or Andie. Just happiness. Just us.
And sometimes... doubt is *all* I know.
And I'm lying here, waiting... Waiting for nothing, for everything, for him. Waiting for a miracle. And I pull him closer, stealing his warmth. In his sleep he reaches out for me, whispering my name. And I wonder... I wonder what I *really* know after all...
Continued...