~I didn't fall. I jumped and I will jump again
Because I heard, I understood what was there to see
If it hit me in the head, I'd duck a second time
I saw the world change through my eyes~
-Human Drama

Dawson took a deep breath, let it out, and began.

"The first time my parents got married, they were young. They were just out of college. And umm, I remember looking at the photo album as a kid and wondering why I wasn't in any of the pictures. It's hard when you love someone that much to imagine them having this entire life that you weren't even there for. And I have to say that being here today, experiencing this first hand, finally getting to be in all the pictures, I wouldn't trade this for anything. 'Cause I'd much rather be apart of what you have now than what you had then. That point where everything is forgiven. And I think that that's really what love means. That you can forgive anything. So, to my parents, who taught me that love does not conquer all. That loves ends and begins again. Cheers."



"Hey, your speech was beautiful."

"Thanks"

"What you said, did you mean it Dawson?"

"Every word, which is why I can't let you go."

"What?"

"I know you're not my girlfriend anymore-you haven't been for a long time-but in the end I know that we're destined to be together. We're soul mates Joey. Last year you had the opportunity to go to Paris to study, and because of me you didn't. Because our love was worth giving up the world for. I'd just like to find that again...this summer...with you. Stay with me?"

Tears slid down cheeks, and reddened eyes looked into pleading ones. "Dawson... I don't quite know what I feel for Pacey...but it's something..."

"Is it what *we* had? Be honest with me Jo."

"I...I don't... no, it's not."

He reached out his arms, drawing her into a gentle kiss.



The car sped down the highway with a speed that surprised its passengers, considering the age of the driver. A window had been left open to combat the heat, and wind whipped through their hair. Jack stared at the blur outside his window. The passing cars were barely discernable-it was all a mixture of reds and blues and blacks. When a familiar sign caught his eye he breathed a sigh of relief. "Welcome to Capeside". They were back. He could get out of the car, and start trying to forget this trip ever happened. Maybe if he concentrated hard enough he could wipe out the memory of Ethan's eyes-the shame and pity.

As they pulled into town he visibly relaxed. This was safe. This was home. He could just go to his room, crawl into bed, and-

Large sloppy red letters glared out at him from Joey's wall: "Ask me to stay".

Jack's mind entered a panicked loop and then came to a screeching halt. "Grams!!"

"Jack?" The old woman slammed on the breaks and turned around in her seat, while Jen and Andie stared at him in confusion.

"Let me out here."

"What in the world?" Grams looked the boy over worriedly. She knew that he had taken a big risk earlier...and to have it blow up all in your face....

"Pacey's leaving, and I'm going to stop him." Jack set his face with determination, making it clear that there would be no argument. He opened a door and took off running without looking back, leaving his sister and friends to simply watch his retreating form, still not all together clear on what had just happened.

Andie was the first to speak up. "But we already knew that Pacey was leaving. His goodbye party is what started this whole thing...."

The car was silent for a moment, as the inhabitants turned the unspoken question over in their minds. Grams tapped her fingers on the steering wheel and the two girls looked at their hands. Concern for Jack had steadily increased on the drive home, multiplying with each clench of his jaw and every quiet sigh of breath. Then to have just taken off... It finally became evident, however, that they weren't accomplishing anything sitting in the car and waiting for enlightenment to strike. And he obviously wasn't coming back....

"He'll be alright, you children walk around this town all the time by yourselves. If we leave now we might catch the end of that wedding" Grams pulled away from the curb and resumed their journey, but the red letters seemed to follow them...treading lightly on their minds all the way to the Leery's.

~Where My Innocence Was Left~
~You can reach for the stars
But take what you get here~
-Human Drama

//Forget waiting. I've just gotta get the hell out of this town//

Pacey made his way slowly towards the boat, peering over the last of the boxes stacked up to his nose. The weight unsettled him, and he tripped over a loose board. The boxes went flying, and Pacey toppled to the dock face first. Luckily, the contents weren't fragile. Unluckily, his ego was. //Great. Just great. Because it wasn't bad enough that Doug and Andie were right all along...Left all alone-what a big surprise. // Pacey let out a bitter laugh. //But noooo... I also have to steer my boat off into the sunset with pounding headache. Oh yeah. The day's sure looking up...// He picked himself up and finished loading "True Love", this time carrying the boxes one at a time. He didn't need any more injuries, and with fate's vendetta against him lately...it probably wasn't wise to push it. Just as he was getting ready to set the boat free from the dock, a voice shot out like a sonic boom through his thoughts.

"Pacey! Stop!" Pacey looked up and saw a figure dodging people as he ran, jumping over ropes and speeding down the ramp. It was Jack. //Wait a minute... Jack?!//

"Pacey" Jack skidded to a halt and bent over, placing his hands on his knees for support. He had to take a moment to catch his breath, and then continued with only slight panting. "Don't leave... I...I mean...I really...I need someone to talk to..." And then he let it all out, falling to his knees and sobbing in plain view.

Pacey was baffled. He had no idea what could have happened to make his friend react like this. Cautiously, he lowered himself to the floor and reached out a hand, patting the crying boy's back in an awkward attempt at comfort. Pacey hated to see Jack like this, he was usually so calm and laid back. There was a sick feeling in Pacey's stomach. It was eating away at him like acid...and was vaguely familiar. Sifting back through his memories, he found the source of the deja vu. It was when that bastard of a teacher was trying to humiliate Jack, making him read that unmasking poem in front of the whole class. Bile had risen in Pacey's throat. He had never hated anyone as much as Mr. Peterson in that moment, forced to watch Jack flee the room in tears but unable to do anything. //I hate this, this helplessness. I hate that I can never *fix* things. He's one of the few friends that I have left, and I'm failing him. That's me-Pacey the town screw-up//

"He doesn't want me. No one wants me..." Jack's body was wracked with sobs as he threw words out in a half unconscious ramble. "Why is it so hard? I don't understand. Why me? I didn't ask to be gay." Jack slumped against Pacey, who wrapped his arms around his friend in a futile attempt to shield him from the world.

A couple walked by and paused at the sight of the two young men embracing. Pacey froze as their gaze seemed to burn right through him, and watched as they shook their heads in disgust before continuing on. Instinctively he recoiled, loosening his hold on Jack and beginning to back away. But only for a second. As soon as Pacey was aware of his actions he stilled, forcing himself to relax. //Who the hell cares what some idiots think?
Screw them//

Pacey returned his concentration to the warm yet shivering bundle of nerves in his arms, content with simply cataloging his friend's breaths-in and out, in and out. In an unconscious effort, he made his own synchronize with them. Pacey could feel a heart beating steadily against his chest, and he could hear his own in his ears. These observations were strangely soothing. The sobbing had become so constant that it no longer inferred with his thoughts, and his mind was free to debate his course of action. Sailing away for the summer no longer seemed an option, for some inexplicable reason he couldn't quite put his finger on. Yet how could he watch the Joey and Dawson soap opera drama unfold day in and day out in Capeside?

Despair clutched his heart and tightened his throat. A scream bubbled up inside of him, anger fighting to be released. He wanted violence and flesh...tangible things, things that made sense. Pacey wanted a world where you could just come in, fists flying, and get the job done. Then everything would be alright. Nothing would hurt anymore. No long drawn out discussions, no philosophical dilemmas, no consequences. He wanted to climb aboard that boat, with a name that he didn't even believe in anymore, and leave all of this shit far behind. But...

When Jack had called his name and collapsed at his feet...Pacey had forgotten. For five or ten blissful minutes he had been thinking about someone else. For the first time in months Pacey had felt *alive*. He had stopped feeling sorry for himself, turning the same questions over and over in his head until he slowly went insane. Instead of thinking he had been *doing*--living in the moment, running on instinct. It was nice.

"Hey." Pacey's voice came out in a raspy whisper, surprising them both. "Why don't we get out of here. You can come back to my house with me, we can `borrow' some of Doug's beer, and you can fill me in on what's going on..." He looked at Jack kindly, no demands in his voice. Just an offer.

Jack picked himself up, suddenly very self-conscious. He straightened his clothes and wiped his eyes, avoided Pacey's concerned gaze. "Alright."

The two boys walked out of the marina, side by side. Silence hung in the air, but it was a comfortable silence. And "True Love" bobbed in the water, dressed in the vague shadows of sunset...ready to set sail, yet abandoned.

~This damn wind will change direction
It will stop you
Dead as you walk~
-Human Drama


~I Stand Unarmed~
~On a trail blazed with words, one that I was lost upon
The road that I depended on, I follow no more...
And take my hand from the fire, refusing all intended scars
You are cool water. Into you, I swim~
-Human Drama
Listen.

If someone had walked up to Pacey three years ago and told him his future-told him that he would cancel a summer vacation in the Florida Keys-told him that he would do it in order to comfort his boyfriend-less gay buddy...he would have laughed his ass off.

If they told him how good it would feel...he would have given them a black-eye and then proceeded to hit on half of the female student body.

But then...one night it would happen...and he would open up the frig, take out a couple of beers, and lean back on his couch- -not surprised in the least.

Funny how things change.



All trains of thought had been derailed.

It was a kind of fuzzy numbness really... A kind of low down deep in the belly twisty feeling. Because here he was-not alone.

Not lying in bed, staring at the ceiling, and wincing as a monster scratched at him from the inside. No sandpaper whispers deep in his brain, reminding him that Pacey Witter didn't *get* love. He didn't get anything. No hiding, burrowing under covers that were too hot-scorching really-and pleading his body to slip into blessed unconsciousness.

This was almost..."nice". A strange, alien word to be appearing in his mind. Different. Pacey let the word roll off the tip of his tongue silently, mouthing it yet not making a sound. "Nice."

Jack was there at his side, matching the speed and rhythm of Pacey's strides. Every so often their hands would brush. And that was nice too, after lacking human companionship for so long. Comfortable. And for once, Pacey questioned his decision to push the world away when Joey left him. Because maybe life didn't *have* to be black or white. It could be purple and green and red and blue, swirled together into the feel of soft fingers brushing against his.



When they reached the apartment Jack headed directly to the bathroom, entering quickly and locking the door behind him. He slid to the floor with a sigh, scared and confused now that he was off autopilot. When he had been reminded of Pacey's departure a kind of desperation had filled him-driving him to action. In that moment he had realized that he *couldn't* do this alone-whatever "this" was anyway. Pacey was the "knight in shining armor", he was supposed to be there to save you when things were getting tough. When Mr. Peterson was harassing him about his poem, when Andie was having a breakdown, when the Potters needed a substitute for the Ice House, when Joey's mural was defaced, when Mr. Green was being fired... Pacey was there. And he wasn't allowed to simply disappear now when Jack needed him! It wasn't *right*, he wasn't playing by the rules.

True being helped hurt, it shredded his pride to let it happen. It consumed him and ate away at him like acid. But Pacey never acted like you owed him anything. He wasn't like that. He wasn't like anyone Jack had ever known, because he didn't *own* people. He would fight for his flock with a nearly animalistic intensity, for those he saw as family and friends. Yet he never reined you in, putting you in a little box and expecting you to play his game. And that was why Jack had needed him so *badly* today.

But now in the harsh yellow light of the bathroom, sitting on cold square tiles, Jack was staring stark reality in the face... And it was like a gun shot to the stomach. Picking himself up, Jack stared at his reflection in the mirror, self disgust evident in his expression. //God, could I be any more selfish? Jeez McPhee, when did *you* become the center of the universe? Must be nice...// He let out a self-depreciating chuckle. *Guess Dawson's not the only one who wants a scripted life..*

He glared hard at his reflection, as if attempting to shatter the glass with a look. Focusing on the eyes, he studied the stranger before him. This man-boy, on the brink of something, the "this" that he still couldn't define. Somehow, when he had stepped out of that car, the world had shifted-it had tilted approximately 10 degrees or so...and he was the only person who had noticed. It was a terrifying yet exhilarating feeling.
There was a knock on the door.

"Plan on spending the night in there?" A snicker. "Did you fall in?"



With a final rap on the door, Pacey returned to the living room. The two beer bottles felt cool and slippery in his hands, like a soothing balm, and he pressed one to his forehead for a moment. The cold seeped into his skull, relaxing him further, and he released a soft sigh. Letting the tension unfurl throughout his body, Pacey practically leaped onto the couch. Stretching his arms out over the back and letting his feet hang haphazardly, he stared at the ceiling in silent contemplation. All of a sudden it felt ok to be alive.

"Ahem."

The clearing of a throat sent Pacey hurling to reality and he pulled his gaze downward. A blotchy tear stained face greeted his eyes, but it was wearing one of the sweetest smiles he had ever seen.

"Pull up a chair" Pacey patted the cushion on his left side.

Jack sent him a strange look and rolled his eyes, but sat where instructed.

"Sooo.. you wanna talk about it?" Pacey came right to the point, yet his loose posture and easy grin made it clear that the pressure was 100% off.

"Not really." The moment the words came out of his mouth Jack flinched. Here he was, on the offensive again. //Really, isn't this getting a tad ridiculous? Especially since this time no one's butting into your business. *You* came to *him*, remember? // The knot in his stomach wound tighter, and he began to feel nauseous. Visions of men in stark white coats. "I'm sorry son, but you're completely irrational. We'll have to take you in for your own good." //I'm not crazy like my mother, I'm not crazy like my mother, I'm not crazy like my mother, I'm not crazy like my mother...//

A gentle hand on his knee shook Jack out of his thoughts, thumb stroking up and down in slow deliberate movements. His anchor back to reality. All of his body's senses seemed to fixate on that point, hyper-aware of the hand's every aspect. He could feel the slightest of shifts, map out every wrinkle-like indention, count heart beats through the blood pulsing in its veins. The experience was all so surreal, yet utterly and completely natural. Then, abruptly, the hand lifted. Jack sucked in a breath, shocked to discover Pacey sitting thigh to thigh with him and peering into his face with concern. It appeared that he'd been talking for a minute or so...

"...and you *know* how much I don't what to get into *that* mess. So don't worry about it. We'll talk later. Now-beer." Pacey gave him a disarming grin, in surprisingly good spirits, and handed him a sweating bottle. "Doug'll be so happy that his favorite brother's staying home for the summer that he'll never miss a few Bud Lights."

Jack snorted, almost dropping the bottle. "Sure Pacey. He'll be thrilled."

"Shut up. You just haven't been exposed to the full extent of my charm. One day you too will worship at the altar of Pacey Witter and learn to appreciate the blessed joy of my presence." Pacey smirked and tossed a pillow at Jack. "We shall begin your training with a lesson on the fine art of drinking games." He puffed up his chest with self-importance and took on a simpering tone of voice. "Now Mr. McPhee, we must begin with the most basic of all men's drinking games. First, open the beverage." Jack had to bite his lip to keep from laughing, but put on a poker face in order to play along. "Second, lift the bottle to your lips." Jack did as instructed, head swimming with bright bursts of giggles that had been padlocked away. "Now let the beer pour down your throat.." Jack again did as he was commanded, but Pacey swiftly leaned over to pinch his stomach. A good plan in *theory*, a spit and beer drenched Pacey reasoned, but a bit of lacking in foresight.

Jack rolled on the couch with laughter, letting it bubble up and over. It spilled out of his mouth in a cleansing torrent, wiping away the day's memories of unresponsive lips and ice cold embarrassment. "Ahh man.." Jack tried to speak but lost it again, unable to get a hold over himself with his friend sitting right there in front of him, hair matted and wet cheeks. "Just think of it as karma", he finally forced out. And promptly collapsed all over again.


~Something to Feel~
~Just before the silver cuts through
And I'm found spellbound
There's something for you, there's something for me
It's something to feel~
-Human Drama


The front of "Screen Play Video" loomed before Pacey ominously, door swung wide open like a great beast ready to shallow him whole.

"I can't do this man!" Pacey protested violently, flinging his arms in the air and gesturing wildly. "I just can't look at him right now. I mean, he was my best friend for pretty much the whole of my existance. And nothing's ever going to be the same again..."

"I thought *I* was your best friend..", Jack teased, gently forcing Pacey's flailing limbs back to his sides.

"Hey, the position's open", Pacey joked. "I'm taking applications, you wanna come in for an interview?"

Jack gave him a friendly shove. "I think I've got this one by default. Like anyone else would put up with you?"

Pacey let himself bounce off a nearby wall and ricochet back into Jack, slinging an arm around his shoulder. The closeness felt good-warm and reassuring-so Jack didn't bother to shrug if off as expected.

It was...Pacey. A heavy chemical burn in his nose from recently applied cologne, yet underneath...the sweet, biting scent that Pacey seemed to be eternally saturated in.

Suddenly very sure that he *didn't* want this arm to move-ever-Jack decided to stall for time.



When a hand took hold, preventing his arm from returning to his side, Pacey glanced at his friend in surprise...and was greeted by "The Pacey Smile". A soft, almost shy grin coupled with eyes sparkling mischievously. It was beautiful...and it was only for him.

The first time he saw it, they had been listening to the new Blink 182 CD in Jack's room. Pacey was sitting back on the bed, drumming his hands on his knees and singing along. Jack had returned with sodas and tapped him on the shoulder to hand him one. Still mouthing the words, Pacey spun round-and lost all train of thought. Ladies and Gentlemen, Pacey's mind has left the building... A new expression graced Jack's face. And it lit up the entire room.

Over the next week this new smile-now privately dubbed "The Pacey Smile"-surfaced every so often, always unexpected and only directed towards him. And little by little the smile wormed its way into Pacey's soul, thrawing the ice Dawson's rejection had left. Talk about a best friend...no one had ever had an expression just for _Pacey_.

Suddenly much less anxious about meeting up with Dawson, Pacey swallowed his fear and pressed on. "Alright, let's just rent something and get it over with. What do you want to watch?"

Jack squinted his eyes, pretending to be deep in thought. "Umm...`The Usual Suspects'?"

Pacey laughed out loud. "Oh *that's* a surprise! I'm starting to worry about you... I think you're obsessed!" At Jack's answering snort he protested, "What?! Every time we talk about movies it's `The Usual Suspects' this, `The Usual Suspects' that... You've got a one track mind."

"Well you just have to see it to understand..."

Pacey jokingly pushed Jack away. "Is this some sort of secret cult? I love you man, but not enough to drink poisoned coolade.."

Jack put on dramatic airs, stumbling into the store and pulling on Pacey's sleeve. "You wouldn't die for our love? Where's Romeo when you need him? Romeo, oh Romeo! Wherefore art thou Romeo?"

At this point the boys were cackling hysterically, bumping into each other and back as Jack yanked on Pacey's shirt. "And he said he *loved* me!"

Jack had tears in his eyes from the laughter as a nearby customer looked them as if both boys should be declared legally insane.

Now reduced to simple giggling, Pacey and Jack leaned on each other in an attempt to catch their breath.

"ok", Pacey gasped, "Let's just...calm..." One look at Jack's red face set him off again. "Oh damn..."

A giant bubble had just burst inside of them, two bodies twitching with humor and released tension. Nothing mattered except letting it all out...And it ceased to be about Jack's lame jokes, or Pacey's need to forget his anxiety. It was about the unmeasurable joy of human connections-when another person can complete some part of you, and take you places that you had never been before. The boys catapulted each other farther and farther into dizzy headed glee, grasping onto each other and feeling soft skin slide under slightly roughened finger tips. It was entoxicating...and they weren't planning to ever stop.

"Well Pacey...you sure know how to make an entrance." A steel voice broke through the private hilarity. "I suppose you've here to subject me to yet another of your passive agressive `performances', where you play the martyr and I'm stuck as the despicable archenemy. I can't wait. Go ahead, share your teenage angst..." Dawson leaned back on his chair and tapped his fingers on the counter.

Pacey and Jack froze, having forgotten exactly where they were and what that entailed. A purposefule clearing of Dawson's throat finally brought them back to life, and Pacey spun around in defiance.

"First of all, I'm not the one who has assigned us all roles in some Spielburg film: the beautiful yet naive young heroine, who is destined to be with her life long friend but is too naive to notice it at first; the dashing and committed young man, waiting in the wings for the girl of his dreams to realize that they are soulmates; the unscrupulous and manipulative bad boy who tries to steal the heroine away be confusing hormones with true love. That's *your* method of dealing with reality, not mine.

Pacey sighed as Dawson continued to stare unblinkingly, realizing that he had fallen right into the trap. Now it looked as if he'd come here to start a fight. //Damnit. Why do I let him get to me?//

"Look Dawson, I didn't come here in order to set a further course in our path as enemies. Sometimes there *is* no complicated ulterior motive. You won. You've got your soulmate and everything's back to the way Dawson wants it to be. No need to psychoanalyze every word or gesture I make in your general vicinity. We're just here to rent a movie." Pacey held his hands up in plain site and looked at his old friend beseechingly. A storm could be seen brewing inside of Dawson, and his face darkened with rage. The boy was quite clearly determined to have a long awaited conflict, and would not be denied. Sensing the immediate battle, Jack quickly stepped in front of Pacey and cut Dawson off just as he opened his mouth.

"This is ridiculous. Pacey didn't murder your dog, impregnate your little sister, or run off with your wife. You fought over a girl that *neither*

of you were dating at the time. GET OVER IT. And seriously Dawson, you're giving Jen a run for her money for the title of `Drama Queen of the Year'."

As Dawson paused speechless for a moment, trying to collect an indignant soliloquy, Pacey rushed over to a nearby aisle and returned with a video.

"I'd like to rent "The Usual Suspects" please..."

At Jack's brilliant `Pacey-smile' *Twice in one hour!*, he threw his arm back around Jack's shoulders and sent him a lazy grin. "You earned it Jackers, you earned it..."



"Wait! I don't get it!" Pacey protested vigorously, ready to leap off the bed and pause the cursed VCR. Did this omnipotent bad guy with a funny name really exist or not? And why was Jack just sitting there smirking? Something was up...

"It just gets worse from here..." Jack yawned and stretched out on the bed, feigning ambivalence while secretly gloating. "Just be patient. I can't say anything or I'll spoil the whole movie."


Pacey growled in frustration, sending the other boy the `evil eye'. "Just you wait. I'll find some flick you've never seen with so many surprise twists that it'll blow your mind... and I won't give you a single hint. So there." He huffed loudly and pouted, illiciting a chuckle from Jack.

"Fine. I wouldn't want you to tell me the ending anyway. Trying to figure it all out is the fun part. " He watched with glee as Pacey's face began to resemble a tomato. *This is even more fun than teasing Andie...*

If someone had asked Jack later-2 minutes or 20 years down the road- why he did what he did right then... Jack would have found it impossible to answer. It was a simple, yet infinitely complex impulse. And one that could not be avoided or explained.... Jack needed to touch Pacey-he needed it as much as he needed to eat, as much as he needed to breathe. And it just *was*.

"Aww, come here.." Jack's hands shot out before Pacey could protest, wrapping around his waist and yanking him back. Pacey let out a startled cry and fell into Jack's arms, finding himself nestled between two strong thighs with his head resting against a lean chest. Arms slid loosely around his middle. It was...nice-a word that seemed more and more intimately linked with Jack's presence.

"Should I move?" Pacey didn't know why he was whispering, but he couldn't seem to get his voice to cooperate. Every sound seemed to be amplified anyway, as the clock ticked like a rifle shot and the TV roared.

"No...just stay..." Pacey was relieved to hear that Jack also was confined to a hoarse whisper. The arms around his stomach tightened slightly and then relaxed, as warm breath caressed his right ear. "I like it...can we just watch the movie like this..?"


In the back of his mind, something was telling Pacey that guys didn't do stuff `like this' with their friends. They wrestled sometimes, sure. They were even known to hug in especially emotional moments. But...this was different...closer....barely balencing on some line that that the `something' in his head didn't want him to cross...

Yet... On the screen the cop was harassing that cripple again-who was stammering, refusing. Oh! There must be a secret here...This was just getting exciting. And that warm body he was pressed against-well, it felt pretty damn good. So maybe Pacey would let it slide...just this once.

~I feel I belong here
I feel it in my bones~
-Human Drama


~Fascination and Fear~
~I can almost feel your heart beating
See confusion in eyes so clear
The line between fascination
And fear~
-Human Drama