By Joanna ([email protected])
Author's Note: This takes place towards the end of season 5. I don�t own these characters, wish I did though. I am writing for entertainment and not money (I�m not that good) though if any one from Dawson�s creek happens to be reading, I wouldn�t mind coming and working for you! Lol!
Changes: Forget �100 light years from home� from Jack�s point of view, it never happened. Tobey never got a new boyfriend and hasn�t spoken to Jack since they broke up. Jen and Jack stayed bestfriends all the way through.
A group of people, ranging from all ages sat in the living room of the Leery
house. Some sat alone; some sat in some one else�s embrace.
�Okay guys. I know that everyone is coping with this in different ways. I
know that well. I have many experiences with this type of thing, more than
I care to have. I also know the only way to begin to get over this is to
talk about what you are feeling. That�s why I invited you all here today,
to talk. I think that everyone should share what he or she is feeling.
Otherwise we will never be able to provide the different sources of comfort
and support that each individual needs.� The room fell in to silence.
�Look, guys, someone has to go first. Don�t hide what you are feeling.
Take your time and let it out� Dawson spoke calmly.
�Dawson, you aren�t a psychologist, you don�t know what�s best for us!� Jen
snapped.
�Dude, maybe this isn�t a good time. Maybe it�s too soon� Pacey added
softly. Dawson ignored him.
�No, Jen. I�m not a psychologist, but I have experience with them. I know
that they dare to delve where you are too scared to go. They want you to
realise something that you don�t want to, but know is necessary to help your
recovery� Dawson explained.
�I have nothing to admit to myself, I know how I feel!� Jen protested. �You
are forgetting that I am the queen of shrinks!�
�If you know what you are feeling this should be easy� Dawson sighed. �What
are you feeling?�
�Upset. That�s what I�m feeling. It doesn�t take a genius to work that
out. The tears streaming from my eyes are a good indication of that!� The
group sat in silence. How was Dawson going to respond to that?
�Carry on. Why are you upset?�
�Ding, ding! World�s stupidest question award goes to Dawson!� Pacey had to
bite his lip to stop himself laughing at such an inappropriate time. He
guessed that dry whited humour and laughing was his way of dealing with the
occurrences of the last couple of weeks. Jen carried on. �Why do you think
I am upset, Dawson? What is your uncommonly freakish over-sized brain
telling you now?�
�Jen, there�s no need to be mean. He�s trying to help� Joey whispered.
Joey�s voice had reached a single decibel over a whisper since it all
happened, since the moment she found out.
�Joey, leave her. It�s her way of expressing herself� Audrey whispered for
only Joey to hear.
�Tell us, Jen� Dawson pushed on. More tears streamed down Jen�s cheeks.
�My best friend is dead. I never got to say goodbye; I didn�t have a chance
to tell him how much he meant to me. Is that a good enough reason to be
upset?� Jen paused. �Even through our rough patches, Jack was always the
only person to fully understand me. I didn�t have to explain my actions or
words because he already knew why I did or said them. Not only that, he
knew what I was going to do before I even did it. He was always ready on
stand by to help me when I needed him, to support me. I love him and he�s
gone� Pacey put his arm around her. �I couldn�t help him. I see what
happened everytime I close my eyes. Everytime I re-live it I miss him more
and grow more and more guilty. I took him there that day. I made him come
inside and he died protecting me� Jen cried.
�It�s my fault that he is dead� she whispered.
�Jen, sweetie. It�s not your fault. You aren�t to blame for what happened.
You couldn�t have known. No one could have� Audrey comforted. �It was a
bank robbery that went wrong. Unfortunately it is always the most innocent
people who get hurt�
�No. How can you be so literal about it? It wasn�t just a bank robbery that
went wrong. You say it like those guys didn�t know what they were doing�
�Joey, it just got out of control�
�No, Audrey. It didn�t. Those guys knew exactly what they were doing.
Maybe they didn�t plan it to go that way, but you can�t shoot someone in the
head by accident!� Joey�s voice raised for the first time. �Those guys took
Jen hostage! They knew what they were doing. Those guys killed Jack
because he tried to stop them from doing exactly the same as they did to him
to Jen. Either way, they would have shot some one!�
�It was just another tragic accident� Audrey mumbled.
�Audrey, I saw my best friend be shot in the head. I saw the blood. I saw
the faces on the men who did it. I saw Jack�s face. I saw him lying there
on the floor, lifeless. I feel the guilt of taking him in there. I feel
the guilt that they killed him and not me. I experienced it first hand. I
heard Jack�s cry as those bastards put the gun to his head. I heard the
trigger being pulled back and the shot. I heard the screams of everyone in
the building. I watched them take my best friend, my soul mate out of the
building, that I dragged him in to, in a body bag!� Jen cried. �Audrey, If
you had been there, seen the things that I saw, heard the things I heard,
felt the things I felt, you wouldn�t put it down to a tragic accident! You
would know that what happened two weeks ago wasn�t an accident or
coincidence, it was pure evil!� Jen had to fight for breath. �I have to
live the rest of my life with out Jack. I have to live with those memories
invading my head, invading my life. I have to live knowing that my friend
was murdered and the guy who killed him will be out of prison with in ten
years. They took around sixty-five years of Jack�s life and only have to
pay ten in return. Where is the justice in that? They killed one of the
sweetest, kindest, most caring people on earth and that�s all the
punishment� Jen looked to Dawson �So, when I said I was upset, I lied. I
am distraught. Upset doesn�t sum in up nearly well enough. And I�m not
just distraught, I�m furious. I am furious at the guys who did this and at
the people who want to degrade what Jack did and what Jack went though by
saying it�s just another tragic accident. A tragic accident would be
dropping and killing your pet hamster. This was not a tragic accident!�
�Jen, sweetie. Calm down. No one is saying that what Jack did wasn�t the
bravest and most honourable thing anyone could have done. No one is
debating the fact that Jack was a first class human being. People are just
trying to make sense of things in their own heads. To some people thinking
of it as one of life�s tragic accidents is more comforting. It helps them
recover; it helps them get over their loss� Gale tried to comfort the
distraught teenager. She was finding it hard to listen to what Jen was
saying. She had felt the same after Mitch�s car crash.
�I�m sorry but I refuse to accept it as one of life�s tragic accidents� Jen
whispered almost to herself.
�Does any one else what to share what they are feeling?� Dawson asked,
trying to move things along.
�Um�I feel�I feel angry too� Joey stuttered. �Jack was a great guy. He
cared for everyone. He seeked love and whether he knew it or not, he
received an unlimited supply from me and most other people sitting here
today. I feel angry with the people who did this to him. I feel angry with
people who went out of their way to make Jack�s life harder than it already
was. I feel angry with myself for letting the closeness I used to have with
Jack slip away as I became more self-involved. He has always been a true
friend. He would have done anything for any of us. I feel angry with
myself for taking him for granted� Joey paused �I love him and I miss him.
And�I hope that wherever he is he is happy, safe and aware of all the love
everyone holds for him. I hope he receives back all the love, happiness and
joy he has filled our lives with, because he deserves it. Though he was
taken from us prematurely, I am just grateful that I knew him and I know
that I am a better person because of it� Joey wiped her tears away from her
eyes.
�That was really beautiful, Joey� Gale smiled warmly.
�I�I uh�Want to share a story with you lot if that�s okay?� Pacey spoke.
�Sure� Dawson encouraged.
�Last year, after the summer. Jack and I took true love out for one of her
final trips. We lay in the sun, in the middle of the sea, nothing but water
was visible around us. That�s when he chose to tell me about his fear of
the ocean� Pacey couldn�t help but smile. �I said to him �why the hell
didn�t you tell me before we came out here? Why did you come?� He just
answered, �I have a fear of the ocean because all my memories of it are bad
ones. Everyone has to face their fears sometime and I figured that this one
would be the easiest of my fears to face, I was right� I could see that he
was shaking, he was so scared. His hand was perminately fixed to the rail.
I was just thinking �What must be his other fears be if this is the easiest
for him to over come?� so I asked him. He told me that he has many,
�Rejection, Loneliness, depression, ending up alone� they were just a few.
I was kind of shocked. I never realised that one person; especially one as
strong as Jack could have so many fears. He then finished off with, �But I
don�t need to worry about them. I will never have to face them or learn to
live with them because I have all of you� �All of who?� I asked. �All of my
friends, most of my family and a few added members�� Pacey looked round the
room. �I guess I wanted to tell you that because he did know how much we
all care for him and how much we love him. He realised that and treasured
it. Everyone in his life meant so much to him and he would have done what
he did in that bank for any of us. That was just the person he was. He had
a heart of gold and that will always be what I remember him for�And the look
of pure relief as the shoreline came back in to view� Pacey smiled. Jen
leaned over and kissed his cheek lightly.
�Thanks, Pacey. It means a lot that you shared that with us� she whispered,
cuddling closer in to him.
�Jack was always a great joy and comfort to have around. He brightened up
the darkest day and inspired people to be brave. He inspired them to be
honest with others, but most importantly, with themselves. He filled my
life with joy, of course I have Jennifer, but it was different with Jack�
Grams looked up at Jen.
�You could always take care of yourself; you rarely needed me. But Jack,
his eyes said it all. I knew from the first that time I saw him that he was
some one that needed help and I could provide it. It turned out that Jen
and I needed him around as much as he needed us. He made the house a home
and friends and relations become closer than family� Grams sighed in
remembrance. �He had a great soul. He had a loving heart. He was
forgiving, trusting and put everyone before himself. He just wanted to love
some one and have that love returned and as we all know that certainly
happened. After meeting Jack you couldn�t help but fall in love with every
aspect of him. He was so special; the world has suffered a great loss
because of his death. No punishment is suitable for the man who did this.
No punishment would be great enough for the crime he committed. He murdered
the most amazing man to ever live; he murdered my grandson� Grams wiped away
a stray tear. �I know that Jack is in heaven. I know that he wasn�t
religious; he didn�t believe in God. But no God could send Jack anywhere
but heaven. God is merciful; he loves Jack as much as we all do. He
wouldn�t have him anywhere but in his kingdom for eternity� Grams finished.
She wiped away another tear from her cheek. She was falling apart inside;
Jack was a massive part of her life and now he was gone. She didn�t want to
show the effect his death had on her; she had to be strong for Jen in the
way Jack had always been. The room fell in to silence, though this time no
tension could be detected. Everyone was thinking of their own �Jack
stories�.
�Lightning� Joey smiled. Andie also smiled. She had said nothing all day.
She had been rushing around in silence, sorting things out. She was hardly
noticed; that�s how she wanted it. �He was fascinated by lightning� Joey
carried on. �I remember being out with him when we saw some in the
distance. I�d never seen that look on his face before. There was some
excitement, lots of fascination and maybe a slight bit of fear� Joey drifted
off in to the memory. �He told me about a programme he saw on T.V. He
seemed so knowledgeable. Ever since then lightning has never been the same.
It used to scare me so much. Now it just reminds me of that face. It
reminds me of the time I sat outside in the middle of a thunderstorm with
Jack and didn�t feel the rain or any fear, just security. He had a way
about him didn�t he? No matter what was going on around you, no matter how
much your life was falling apart, if you were with Jack, you were safe� Joey
smiled.
�That�s Jackers for you� Andie whispered. Everyone looked at her. She had
finally spoken. �Ten months. That�s all there was between me and Jack.
Less than a year. But he was always there for me like an older brother
should be. It didn�t matter what was going on in his life; he always put me
first. I guess I sometimes took advantage of that, but I loved him so much,
I hated being apart from him. As kids we did everything together. Our
first Christmas, first day at school, first school dance� Andie smiled,
remembering her brother. �We had a school dance when I was nine. Everyone
was asking people to go with them; getting dates, trying to be older than we
were, trying to be grown up. I remember turning down three boys because I
wanted to go with Jack� Andie smiled. �Jack didn�t want to go. But when I
told him that I told everyone that I was going to go with him and now it was
too late to go with anyone else, he borrowed one of Tim�s suits which was
way too big for him. He went with me and danced to every song with me even
though he didn�t want to. All the boys thought it was hilarious, Jack
McPhee had taken his little sister to the dance. All the girls wanted him
as their brother. He got so much hassle all night but he didn�t let it get
to him. He danced and he smiled and was the best date a girl, even a
sister, could ask for� Andie sighed.
�I�ll never forget that. I�ll never forget what he did for me and the way,
for that night he made me feel like the most special person in the world,
not just on that school dance floor�
�So, Jack never enjoyed school dances?� Pacey asked referring back to Jack�s
first dance at Capeside High. Smiles spread across everyone�s faces.
�You�re right, Andie. Jack had a way of making you feel that you were
really the person he wanted to be dancing with, even if that was far from
the case� Jen whispered, she aimed a half smile towards Joey.
�I didn�t know Jack very long� Audrey spoke softly. �I wish I had got to
know him better or earlier in my life. He seems to have had a great impact
on all of your lives and I guess in a way he has had one on mine too. We
had so many light-hearted chats, but so many that could easily have been
life changing. Because as soon as you let Jack in your life, that was it,
you changed. You became a better person. I don�t know if that is just in
my case, but I guess it�s not. Because we are all here today. We are all
still learning about Jack and I hope that carries on. We wouldn�t be here
today if he hadn�t of touched our lives in some way. And although I feel
hypocritical being here and saying all this stuff to you, people who have
known him a lot longer than I have, I am going to carry on. Because the day
Jack leaves my life is the day I go back to the old me, the me that isn�t
better for knowing Jack McPhee� Audrey finished, tears ran down her face.
�Audrey, don�t feel hypocritical for saying what you feel. Some wise woman
once told me that when it comes down to how you feel, you have the right to
say what ever you like� Joey smiled.
�Thank you for sharing that, Audrey. I know that I don�t really know you,
but Jack wrote about you in his letters to me. He really liked you. You
had an impact on his life too� Andie smiled.
�Really?�
�Yeah, a certain bar comes to mind� Pacey half laughed. Audrey smiled in
remembrance of how nervous Jack had been the first night she took him there.
�God, when I took him in to that bar every single set of eyes drifted on to
him. They were thinking the exact same thing I was when I first saw him.
�Wow, who is this gorgeous guy and how can I make in mine?� Obviously they
had more of a chance with him than I did� Audrey smiled again. �Jack was
always totally oblivious to people flirting with him though he would always
be the first person to tell you if some one was doing it to you. It was
kind of like he didn�t except that someone could find him attractive, he
must have never seen a mirror� Everyone laughed in agreement.
�I was going through his wallet once and I found about ten piece of paper
with guys names and phone numbers. Being Jack he hadn�t called any of them,
not even thought about it. I asked him where he got them. He said that
some guys from the bar gave it to him. He wasn�t going to call because he
said that most of them were partially drunk when they gave them to him and
he refused to give them his, apparently to avoid embarrassment on both parts
when the guys were sober enough to see him properly� Jen added. �I told him
that he was just being a wimp, he didn�t appreciate that very much. He was
scared to call them but he would never admit it, that just wasn�t Jack�s
style� Jen sighed. �I miss him so much�
�Me too� Andie replied. �I should have been here. I shouldn�t have been in
Italy. I should have spent time with him�
�Andie, don�t be silly. You weren�t to know that this was going to happen,
none of us were. Jack wanted you to have a good time. That meant a lot to
him� Pacey reassured.
�Andie, you can�t feel guilty for living your life� Dawson sighed, memories
pouring back to him. �You can�t stop yourself from doing something incase
the worst happens. No matter how much your actions may have changed things
you have no idea what things would have happened if you acted differently.
Sometimes that has to be learnt the hard way� Dawson paused, realising he
was going too much in to his past. �Andie, you couldn�t have known. It�s
not your fault�
Once again the room plunged in to silence. It wasn�t uncomfortable, but
thoughtful. Everyone thought of their favourite �Jack memories� and
remembered how much of an impact he had on their lives.
�He�s still here� a small voice stole the silence. Everyone looked over to
the body wrapped tightly in it�s own arms, sat on the floor. The first
thing people noticed were the blotchy eyes under the ruffled dirty blonde
hair. No one had even seen him enter. He had sat in the back row at the
funeral, trying not to be noticed. He had failed though. He was noticed
and that�s when Dawson had invited him along. He had turned down the
invitation. That�s why his presence surprised everybody.
�Tobey, you made it� Jen whispered, shocked to see him there. No one really
knew when he arrived. He had stayed silent the whole time.
�He�s not gone� Tobey repeated. �He can�t be, because I can feel his
presence in the room right now. I can feel it and it�s stronger than I�ve
ever known it to be� Tears rolled down his cheeks. �The last time I saw
Jack we�we had an argument� Tobey sobbed. �I said a lot of things I didn�t
mean and I never got to make that up to him. That night we broke up. I
wanted to call him so many times, I nearly did. I had the phone in my hand,
his number memorised, but I couldn�t do it. I wanted to apologise, but I
didn�t get the chance. I didn�t think that I deserved to be here tonight
because of that. But�but I needed a chance to say goodbye� Tobey wiped away
his tears. �How am I supposed to say good bye when I can still feel him
here? How am I supposed to say good bye to some one I don�t want to let go?
I can�t do it. I thought I was over him, I convinced myself that I was, I
lied to myself, because I�m not. I love him and I�ve lost him again� Gale
crouched down next to Tobey and pulled him in to a hug.
�I�m glad you came. We all are and I�m certain Jack would have been� she
whispered.
�It�s not fair. It�s just not fair� Gale felt Tobey fall apart in her arms.
His crying absorbed the whole room. He let out the tears and pain, which
became obvious that he had locked away, in a vain attempt to forget. �He
can�t be gone. He just can�t. I need him. I love him�
�I know, sweetie, I know� Gale whispered in to his hair as she held him
tight.
�Tobey, I don�t know if this will make you feel any better or maybe worse,
but I have to tell you� Jen now also crouched infront of him. �What you
said about the phone�It wasn�t one sided. I can promise you that. He
thought about you all the time, he really did. He loved you, he told me so.
He wanted to call you so many times, he just couldn�t. Same as you. But
I can assure you that you meant the world to him, he would have done
anything for you. He would have died for you� Jen�s body shook as she
realised what she had just said. �I know this all sucks so much and it�s
not fair. I know that. I feel it too. I know how much you are hurting. I
loved him too, I still do. He changed my life for the better and I will
never forget him� She took his hands �We have to stick together, for Jack�s
sake and for ours. Jack McPhee will not be forgotten. I will make sure of
it. I will love him for the rest of my life; no one will ever take his
place, ever. What ever you feel, you are not alone. Everyone in this room
feels the same. We all feel him here, we all love him and will all keep him
close for the rest of our lives� Jen sobbed.
�Just think. Think where he is now. A place where he won�t be judged or
discriminated against. He�s happy� Joey forced a smile �He�s in the same
place as my mum and Mitch. Andie, he�ll be with Tim� She faced Andie. �He
will be. They will be together again. The place where they are is so
beautiful, it�s like nothing you could imagine, it�s paradise. He is free
to be who ever he likes and do what ever he wants to do. Everybody there
loves him as much as we do. And he is able to look down on us and he�ll
smile and laugh with us when we�re happy and cry with us when we are sad.
Tobey is right. He is here and he always will be because true to Jack�s
style he is here for us, we just can�t see him. But we can still feel him
and we can still talk to him. God, I can picture him so clearly. He�s
right here� she tapped the seat next to her. �He is. I promise. He is
sitting here with us and he wants us to know that he loves us and is telling
Tobey that the argument that he spoke about is forgotten, because where Jack
is you can only remember the good things� Joey paused. �I see all of this
because I have practise. I always see my mum; you just have to try. They
always come. It�s an eternal promise. It�s their eternal promise of love
and protection and support. You can�t break those promises, they�re set in
stone and protected by love� Joey�s face was soaked with tears. The room
fell quiet and she began to grow embarrassed.
�I see him� Andie sobbed, smiling warmly at Joey.
�Me too� Tobey whispered.
�And me� Jen echoed.
�I see him� Audrey and Pacey said together.
�I know he�s there� Dawson smiled.
�I know it too� Grams wiped away a stray tear.
�They are all there� Gale added. Before long the whole group sat staring at
the seat next to Joey.
�They�re there. It�s their eternal promise�
The End