By Hehe ([email protected])
I finally came back late, around two in the morning. We shared a townhouse on the edge of campus with Jen and Grams, so I gently nudged the door closed behind me and crept up the stairs carrying my shoes in my hand. Our room was just right of the stairs; the door was slightly ajar with light still spilling out from the cracks. I hesitated. Inside, I felt like a jolted coke bottle, about to burst any minute.
Tobey woke when I opened the door. He must've fallen asleep while studying; he was lying on his side with a textbook spread out in front of him and his glasses still dangled loosely from his ears. There was a lost and groggy expression on his face at first, but he smiled when he saw me.
"Back at last, I see." He sat up crossed-legged on the bed and grinned. "So care to tell me where you've been?" He sounded smug, teasing, but his body was tense as if waiting to be struck.
I sat down on the mattress with my back to him. "I was out drinking with Pacey," I told him, not looking him in the eye. I started to undress, pulling my sweater over my head.
"Oh" he said. I could almost picture him behind me, deflating slightly. Relieved. He shouldn't have been. He closed his book and shifted over to sit beside me. Putting a hand cautiously onto my shoulder, he said, "You've been out drinking a lot lately." Without me, he didn't say, but I heard the words anyway. I closed my eyes and tried to look within me for something to say. Something honest. I sighed.
"Tobey, I'm tired and it's late. Could you wait until tomorrow to lay the guilt trip?" The words came out more bitterly than I had meant to, but I was past caring. I shrugged his hand off my shoulder and started to take off my pants and socks. I left them on the floor; I'd put them into the hamper in the morning.
Getting in under the blankets, I noticed now that he had fallen silent. It was like he had moths inside him and the slightest tremor sent them fluttering around in blind panic. He moved over to the other side of bed, undressed, and slid in next to me. We lay there for a moment, backs to each other and staring at opposite sides of the room. "Night Jack," he said and reached out to turn off the light.
I closed my eyes.
I woke up in the morning, having dreamt of angels the night before. They were like sunlight through crystal, pure and unblemished. One of them had even kissed me.
I blinked a few times, yawned, and checked the bed beside me. Tobey was still asleep, his mouth gaping open like one of those desiccated mummies you stared horrified at in museums. I used to think he looked cute.
I got up and quickly dressed myself in a pair of track pants before heading to the bathroom. Luckily, there was no one in already so I squeezed some toothpaste and began to brush my teeth while staring at myself in the mirror. I looked like a caveman, with my hair mussed up from the night before and falling in all directions. My work was cut out for me.
"Good morning," greeted Jen with casual softness as she stepped into the bathroom wearing her pyjamas. I hadn't heard her coming.
"Hey," I said, my mouth full of foam. She gave me a familiar smirk and then turned to study her reflection, giving her mop of blond hair a quick shake.
"God," she sighed, grabbing a clump of frazzled locks before smiling at herself wearily. "Bad hair day for the both of us, eh?" She looked to me for confirmation, but I was too tired to muster any cheerfulness so I grunted instead. Then I spat into the sink.
It must've been the wrong thing to do because she narrowed her eyes and studied my face intently before closing the bathroom door and turning on the faucet. "Alright, where were you last night?" she asked, directing me with an accusing stare. "He was worried sick." I hadn't expected any different.
"I just bet he was," I said, dripping with sarcasm, and regretted it instantly. No, it wasn't his fault. I can't shoulder it all on him. I held up a hand to stop her scathing comeback as I took in a deep breath and replied more gently, "I didn't mean to, okay? Things happened and I lost track of time."
She looked at me with concern, "You guys have been together for over a year and a half." She made it sound like a big achievement. For her, it probably was. "I don't want to see the two of you break up over something stupid."
"Ah, but is it stupid," I said with a resigned smile. "Maybe we've gone as far as we could go. Maybe all relationships have to die and it's just a matter of when. Some just last longer than others."
"That's ridiculous" she started to say, but I interrupted her. I had to get the words out or I might never say them.
"He's my first, you know," I looked back at her, feeling as exhausted as I was last night. Everything I had tried to ignore or run away from had come tumbling back onto my shoulders and the weight seemed unbearable. "How many first time relationships do you know have worked out?"
Jen opened her mouth as if to say something, but nothing came out and I knew then that she didn't have any answers for me. I hadn't realized until now how much I had hoped that she would. "Jack," she began uncertainly, "You can't live your life based on what other people have done. This is your life and your relationship. It has nothing to do with everyone else."
I nodded to her, unconvinced. She stepped forward and gave me a hug that I quickly returned. She smiled up at me reassuringly. "Besides, he's not really your first. Remember Kate? Remember Joey? And, let us not completely forget, Ethan?"
I cracked a smile; I really had forgotten about them. "This is different," I tell her. "They didn't really count."
She smirked and replied teasingly, "Sure, Jack, whatever you say." We held each other for a moment more, her head against my chest and my face buried in her curls. "Feeling better?" she murmured into my shirt.
I nodded and chuckled lightly, "Yeah, kind of."
"Good," she said, letting go of me. "Because I need to pee. Now, run along." She scooted me out of the bathroom, beamed at me one last time, and closed the door. I couldn't help but grin.
I stood around for a while longer, wondering what to do, before I decided to head back to my room for a change of clothes for when I take my shower. I carefully nudged the door open and stepped inside. Tobey was still there, asleep. Something came over me as a saw him. I felt my insides twist, like a sheet of rubber being pulled in too many different directions. Confused.
As if in a trance, I came over and sat down next to him, staring down at his peaceful, unconscious face. I would have stroked it if I thought that it wouldn't wake him. I wanted him to be like this forever, blissfully unaware and ignorant. We would have both been happier that way.
I looked around the room, our room, as if seeing it with new eyes. It had happened here, over a year ago. Jen and Grams had left to visit relatives over Christmas, so Tobey and I had the house to ourselves for a week. That second night we had stayed up late, stuffing ourselves with beer and cheese doodles while watching late night horror flicks. Halfway through the second movieit was something about flesh-eating gorillasI caught his eye. And held it. Five seconds later we were scrambling up the stairs, seeing how quickly we could get to our room while tearing the other's clothes off.
We both ended up on the bed, giggling as we playfully wrestled each other against the sheets. After a brief tussle, he pinned me to the mattress. I was on my back with my arms outspread and held down, looking up at the shadowy contours of his dimpled face. Our laughter slowed and died, leaving only the two of us and the heavy sounds of our breathing.
A nervousness suddenly overtook me and I heard myself saying to him, "This is going to be my first time, you know. With a guy." I felt naked, in more than just the literal sense. My lust and insecurities laid bare for him to see. But he just grinned and leaned down, pressing his lips to mine, opening my mouth with his. Things suddenly became so simple.
I closed my eyes.
The End