As Jack slowed his car in front of the apartment block Philip regretted the trip ending so soon. They hadn't said a word to each other during the drive, but he felt he'd made his feelings plain to the older man enough with his earlier words and actions. There seemed a silent easiness between them he thought, and their long looks at each other had not gone unnoticed by the librarian. It was up to Jack now. He slowly unclasped the seatbelt then reached for the door release.

"Thanks for bringing me home," he said, looking over at Jack, hoping that he'd stop him any minute now.

But the gray head just bobbed in a nod. "Take care of yourself, okay?"

Suddenly his hopes were dashed as he thought about Jack's choice of words. They were definitely a 'goodbye'. He felt the want and need for the older man bubble within him and knew that no matter what he wanted, it wasn't going to happen because it wasn't what Jack wanted. 'You, too," he whispered, locking his gaze with Jack's once more.

Jack nibbled at his bottom lip slightly and Philip knew that meant he had something to say but couldn't. A little hope ignited within him once more and he silently willed Jack the courage to voice his feelings, but nothing came of it. Jack started to fidget, and Philip felt he'd outstayed his welcome. His hand tugged the door release, his heart thudding in his chest as he realized he was about to leave Jack - again. Knowing he had nothing else to lose now, he said in a soft, raspy voice, "I really miss you." The lighter brown eyes flicked to him once more, relief seemed to flood Jack's tired features now. Philip gave a tentative smile at the encouraging look, and closed the door again before he shifted in the seat, turning to look at him. "Do you miss me at all?" By the time the question had left his lips, Jack's features had darkened again, and Philip thought it was because he stayed and didn't get out of the car. He regretted the words immediately.

With a heavy sigh the other man's eyes lolled shut. "Yes."

There was silence while Philip waited anxiously for Jack to say something *more*, but he didn't. //Yes?// That was all he had to say? Perhaps there was no more he wanted to say?

Just 'yes'.

Yes, I miss you but not enough to want to be back with you....

Yes, I miss you but not *enough*...

With a defeated nod and shrug Philip tugged the door release, pushing on the door to open it again - this time nothing would drag him back into the car. He only preferred to be slapped across the face once, thank you very much! Climbing out, he leaned down, looking back in at Jack. "Thanks - for bringing me home."

Jack leaned across the car. "Philip.." Then he stopped, looked out the front window at the passing people while the young librarian waited for the rest of the sentence.

When it didn't come Philip impatiently tapped the roof of the car with his hand then said, "Okay, well.. see ya!" Just as he was closing the door, Jack called his name again. Catching the door and reopening it, he looked back in at him. With a raise of his brow, he clearly told Jack we was waiting, a little impatiently now, for him.

"I'll be gone a few days..." Jack said in answer. Philip nodded as he waited, again, for more information - but it didn't come.

Making sure his response sounded definitely 'dry' Philip now said, "okay, so what? You want me to go 'round feed your damn dog?" Jack frowned as he looked at him. Philip sighed, his frustration with the emotionally constipated man bubbled within him. What was so hard about admitting he still cared? And if he didn't, why the hell was he telling Philip any of this?

"I mean, *why* are you telling me that Jack?"

"So you know ...!"

With a sharp shrug, Phil snapped, "Know *what*?"

"Why I don't call you?"

Phil's breath stalled in the back of his throat as he stared into the uncertain eyes. Wetting his lips, he hesitated to let himself get hopeful, but a part of him couldn't help it - any chance of repairing this was something he was willing to grab with both hands. Leaning into the car more, his arm on the roof stopping him from falling all the way in, he lowered his voice so that passer-bys didn't hear the conversations as he asked, "Are you saying you would call?"

The older man's mouth twitched with unsaid words, and his eyes screwed up . Philip could almost hear the unsaid: 'please don't make me say it out loud! - I really don't know!'. With a nod, Philip bowed his head as he looked out the front window, needing a moment to gather his thoughts. Jack obviously didn't have his feelings sorted through yet and Philip knew he needed to put some space between them or this ugliness would just go on and on until Jack 'could' sort through his thoughts. Knowing Jack, that might be 'never'.

"Listen, Grae's due some leave soon and.. uh.. we're heading up to Canada. I'm really starting to get back into the sketching so I probably won't be here when you come home..."

"You're telling me not to call?" There was so much uncertainty in the soft question.

Philip sighed and bowed his head - his long hair falling like a curtain around his face, blocking him from Jack's view. He drummed his fingers onto the roof while he thought for a moment. What did Jack want from him? He'd given him the perfect 'open' when he confessed to still missing him, but Jack - the emotionally stunted man that he was - didn't take it up. Now, it seemed, he wanted Philip to accept that he hadn't even worked through the problems. Biting his jaw together Philip steeled himself to be brutal. Tossing the curls from around his face with a small shake of his head, he said, "I ... I don't know," he said, his heart cracked with the words despite his resolve not to crumble as he looked into the soft brown eyes. "I want you to.. but only if you want to....." Stopping himself, he too screwed his face up like Jack had - but he was fighting back tears. "Look..... Maybe don't call me.. okay..?"

Jack heard the pain in the voice and saw the tears glisten along the bottom lash. "Philip..?"

Biting his lips together the young man straightened up, pulling himself together again. His eyes turned a little cold as he looked at Jack once more. "Not unless you *really* mean it.."

Jack stared at him. "Unless I really mean it?" He repeated.

Philip sniffed, swallowing his tears, then he shifted his dark eyes to look at Jack. "I think we both know what I mean..." The strength alone that he was showing in gaining control of his tears and fears, especially in his weakened state of health, impressed the older man immeasurably. His candor caught Jack off guard however, and Philip took the silence to mean something else. "Christ, Jack. You can't talk to me face-to-face, what's the point of trying to do it over the damn phone?" He started to shut the door angrily.

"Philip..." Jack reached across the car further, straining to look at him and holding his hand out to stop the door from closing.

"You're late for work!" He said, slamming the door shut and walking away immediately.

*

Just as he reached the stairwell he felt strong hands grab his upper arms and he and Jack stumbled into the dark, gray stairwell together. Catching the railing of the stairs to steady himself from falling down to the basement level, Philip turned around.

"Are you stupid or something? We might have fallen!"

Corny lines ran through Jack's mind. Lines like 'yes I'm stupid - for letting you go!' and 'too late, I've already fallen!' but the officer bit them back as he looked down at his teary-eyed ex-lover.

"You're the one that shut the damn door in my face!" he said through clenched teeth, recalling the sharp jab through his wrist as the door collided with his flexed hand.

Stepping backwards, Philip went up the steps until he was eye level with Jack. "We weren't talking and you're late for work!"

"I just.. I want to clarify something..." Jack said, clenching his hands into fists then jutting his chin as he looked at the younger man. "When you say.. don't call... do you mean..?"

Philip let out an exasperated sigh. "Exactly what I said. I always mean what I say, Jack, surely you learnt 'that much' in the week we 'were' together. Don't bother calling me when you come back unless you've really thought this through."

With a quick raise of the brow, Jack twitched his head a little as he said, ".. what if you're not here when I call? What if you're in Canada?"

"What if I'm here and you don't call?" Philip shrugged, his mask of anger slipping slightly.

"Ugh," Jack said with a sharp nod. "I see your point." Philip couldn't help but smile now. Jack was so damn cute when he did that! When the colonel looked up he caught the tail end of the smile and frowned slightly.

"So what are we saying?"

Philip looked up then lowered his eyes, but not his chin to look back down at Jack. "You'll call me if you've had the chance to think this through and you want to make another go of it..." Then he tilted his head slightly. 'You will have time to think this through? Or will you be too busy?" The question was sincere.

Jack shrugged then lowered his voice, growing serious. "If I don't get the chance to before I come home, I'll take the time and think about it here. I promise I won't call unless I've really worked through it.."

With a little hesitation, Philip said, "Don't call me if.. you know.. if ..you're not.."

Shaking his head, Jack cut him off with, "no, I won't. Only if I do..." He shrugged. Philip nodded and the two men fell silent again.

"What about you?" Jack asked. Philip looked at him, his brow raise in question. "Will you be here - or in Canada?"

Lifting his face once more, Philip sighed, making his Adam's Apple bob slightly. Wetting his lips he shrugged. "If I think it through and I don't want to..." He wet his lips nervously once more as he watched Jack bow his head. He finished his sentence, "then, no, I won't be here to take your call..."

Tilting his face up, Jack asked, "but if you are there to take my call...?"

Philip stared at him a long moment. "I think you know what that would mean."

Closing one eye slightly, Jack nodded. "Okay. So we've worked that out.."

Philip nodded. "Yes. Now go to work!"

Backing up, Jack said, "Just needed to clarify!"

Philip shooed him away with his hand, a small smile of hope played on his lips. "Well go to work before you lose your damn job!"

Jack raised a brow. That was unlikely, but the matter *was* pressing. They had word that the Tok'Ra were coming through the gate to discuss a delicate matter with them. Jack didn't trust the Tok'Ra and there was just something about Martouf that really annoyed him - though he wasn't sure what that was.

"Bye, Philip," Jack said, reaching the door and watching Phil ascend the stairs backwards slowly as he watched him in return.

"Bye, Jack.."

The colonel turned and left the stairwell. Philip made his way up to his floor - very slowly as his chest felt tight and his head thumped painfully. He knew it wasn't all to do with the cold, either.