Philip was in the kitchen stirring the dinner but concentrating on the pain in his heart and head at the moment. He wet his lips nervously, then swallowed - a habit he had when uptight about something. Right now, in the course of the past few minutes, he'd swallowed enough times that his throat was already aching. Watching the food tumble as he swept a spoon through it, Philip fought with his inner demons, the ones that wanted to remind him that John was pretty much the same way. He wanted Philip to come into the relationship with him and his new lover, but Philip - stout monogamous that he was - refused him outright. Now it seemed that Jack wasn't totally 'over' Daniel either. Swallowing again, he chewed skin off the inside of his cheek as he heard Jack, in his mind, say over and over " You asked me to.." Philip didn't know that much about dreams, but he knew enough to know that some of them were suppressed subconscious thoughts, trying to work through a problem while the mind was at rest. If only he'd read more about Dreams and their interpretation, but then again, he'd bet there wouldn't be a category for "lover dreaming of third party while getting your personality and character completely screwed up in the dream!"

*

Jack, still dressed in his towel, entered the room. Without bothering to size up the situation, he went straight over to his lover.

"Phil," he called softly as he stepped in behind him. The younger man bristled slightly as Jack's lips brushed the back of his ear. "I'm sorry!" He declared again.

With memories of John's unfaithfulness clouding his mind, and the fact that he *knew* Jack was in love with Daniel when he chased after him, Philip cursed himself for getting involved with the same kind of men, over and over. Slamming the spoon into the rest harder than he really intended to he shattered the china stand, sending shards and splinters everywhere.

"Shit!" He gripped the spoon and threw it into the sink then cupped his hand at the edge of the bench, using his other hand to sweep the broken dish away.

"I'll get the dustpan," Jack said the minute it happened and moved off without waiting for agreement.

"Don't bother," Phillip muttered as he tossed the debris into the trashcan, then went to the sink and rinsed the splinters of china away from his palm under the tap. Jack returned to his side, the dishcloth in his hand as he wiped the bench clean properly. Philip was carefully drying his hand with a towel when he returned to the dinner on the stove. "You really ought to shower," he muttered without real interest. "Or at least get some clothes on."

"We need to talk," Jack said. Philip shook his head. He wasn't in the mood to listen to Jack rationalize the fantasy and the more he thought about it the less he liked it. Yet, it was straight forward. Accept it or lose Jack. He didn't like it but part of him was willing to live with it - if it meant keeping Jack by his side. He began to hate himself all over again - his neediness, his desperation, his blind faith in his partner. Where had all that gotten him last time?

"Please.." He said, his shimmering eyes looking at Jack briefly before looking away.

The older man could sense that Philip needed to be alone, but he also wanted to make amends. "What did I say to you today?" He asked him in a quiet voice.

Philip lowered his chin to his chest as he gave a heavy sigh. "That you wanted to make a go of this."

Jack touched his hand to the lowered face and lifted it, smiling gently at the large, dark eyes staring back at him. "And I *do*!" He said, his smile growing larger.

Philip melted a little, loving that look - that smile - that Jack was giving him now. "And *I* do, too!" He said, his hand reaching out to rest on Jack's side lightly. "But I'm also well aware of your attraction to Daniel..." He let his hand fall as he added, "and then you tell me *this*? Some fantasy about sleeping with him.. because.. because *I* want you to? Talk about guilt free indulgence!!"

Jack sighed and moved them both away from the stove and out into the dining room when he realized that Phil saw more in the dream than he hoped he would. He had to admit to himself that having such an erotic dream about Daniel did unsettle him - a lot, but he needed Philip to understand that it was 'just' a dream.

"Look, I'm not going to deny that it was a very.. *very*.. strange .. dream.." He heard Phil's groan as the younger man shifted in his seat and so he hastened to add, his hands clenched into fists as he stressed the word 'only'; "But it was 'only' a dream.."

"Was it?" Philip retorted quickly, staring into Jack's chocolate brown eyes and demanding that he took the dream more seriously than that. A part of him was telling him that he was a fool to go on about it, that in doing so, he was only going to drive a wedge between him and Jack, yet another part of him wanted to protect his heart against being ripped apart again when his lover's dreams finally became a reality. If Jack was fantasizing about another man after a week together, what would it be like after a month.. a year... If they should last that long? Was he being foolish in *not* taking this more seriously? Burying his head and not recognizing the tell-tale signs along the way- like it had happened with John - didn't protect him in the end, it just compounded the problem and the hatred.

"I don't want it getting in the way either.. but I know a little about dreams, Jack," he said with the best smile he could muster under the circumstance. "You have to understand how I feel," he added, making Jack stare at him once more. "I mean, do you *want* this?" It was clear to both men he was asking about Daniel. Jack shook his head.

"No." With the way his hand flexed into a fist again it was obvious that he was desperate to make Philip believe that, even if he wasn't sure 100% himself. "I so do not want that!"

The librarian nodded slowly. "Well, I know enough about dreams to know that you can't really control them..."

Jack's hand clenched in triumph this time as he saw a familiar look return to his lover's eyes again. "So I'm forgiven?"

Part of Philip wondered if there was really anything to forgive. After all, it *was* only a dream, and it was because of his own fears of being betrayed again that Philip was making an issue of it right now. Had he not had the experience with John, it probably wouldn't have meant much to him at all. Still a part of him was concerned and suspicious as to why Jack felt *so* guilty about the dream. Perhaps if he'd just fobbed it off with a wave of his hand, Philip might have reacted a whole lot differently. But Jack's own discomfort made Phil a little more suspicious. As he looked into the soft brown eyes part of him screamed to tell Jack that, but all he managed to say was, "There's nothing to forgive." Suddenly he felt as though he'd betrayed himself as Jack's face flooded with relief. Just as the older man's lips parted to say something, Philip silenced him with his fingers over his lips. "But I have to be honest here and say this..." he said, dreading every word that he was about to utter, "if you want this, and only you know for sure if you *really* want this or not..." He paused, reapplying the pressure as Jack tried to interrupt him, then with an arched brow, he concluded, "then you and I need to talk and *we* end 'this' right here." He watched Jack's expression darken a little. "I'm sorry, Jack, but I lived with one man lying to me about his feelings for a mutual friend of ours-" Phil's eyes started to shimmer once more. "I'm not going through that again. I'd rather deal with it now. It's only been a week!" His voice might have dismissed their time together, but the look in his eyes told a different story, if only Jack would see it. Lightly tapping his finger against the sealed mouth, he shook his head as Jack went to speak once more. "Don't.. don't just dismiss this, please. Work out your feelings for Daniel and deal with them. I don't know what really happened in there," he said, moving his fingers to tap Jack's head, "but sometimes our mind tries to tell us things when we're asleep that we don't really want to think about when we're conscious."

"It wasn't..."

"Shh!" Phil silenced him quietly. "Please Jack - for my sake. Look at the dream, think about it, work out what it was trying to tell you and how you feel about it. Then, and only then, tell me...Okay."

Jack sighed scornfully. "It was *just* a dream!"

Their eyes remained locked together - no recriminations, no pleas, nothing within the cimmerian eyes that remonstrated Jack for this moment. Getting up with a sad sigh, Philip went into the kitchen to check on the dinner, leaving Jack alone, a little stunned by the direction of the conversation, but starting to understand it as well. Was it a hidden warning that he still wanted Daniel? In his dream, Philip kept conveniently disappearing so that Jack and Daniel could be alone.. was that what he wanted - the young librarian around when it was good for him, then gone, consensually, when Jack's attentions strayed to his work mate once more. Grinding his palms into his eyes, the colonel tried to put some semblance of order into his thoughts, but they were everywhere inside his head, bouncing around and giving him a headache.

"Jack.."

The confused man got to his feet, wondering if Phil wanted an answer already. As he peered into the kitchen all he saw was Philip looking down into the pot on the stove as he said, "You'd better shower... they'll be here soon."

Jack paused a moment, then shoved himself off the doorframe and headed to his bathroom, leaving Philip to tend to the dinner.

*

As Philip concentrated on slicing the shallots with the sharp knife his attention was taken by the flash of lightening outside the kitchen window. Placing the knife down onto the chopping board, he reached over and picked up the bottle of red wine that had been left open to breathe. He poured himself a glassful and stepped up to the window, sweeping the curtain aside and watching the lightening flash over the dark sky. Returning to the cooking the young Librarian started to feel out of his depth, with both the dinner preparations and the relationship in general. He reached for the goblet again, gulping down a large mouthful then he swiped the shallots into the dish, stirring it in quickly. He picked up the bottle again, pouring himself another glassful, listening to the 'glug-glug-glug' as the liquid decanted from one vessel into the other. With one hand firmly gripping the narrow neck of the bottle, he tilted his face back and swallowed half of the contents of the large glass in one gulp, feeling the warming liquid pass down through his body, warming him - if not his heart - considerably.

His hand rubbed against his stomach as he imagined Jack doing it instead. The feel of the other man's roughened hands over his firm flesh, the way Jack had of making his fingers toy with the thick dark trail from his chest to his stomach - all made him tingle right now and regret the fight immensely. But he reminded himself that he ignored this with John for too long, until he had no other choice but to face the reality. He took another sip of the wine, this time a smaller one as he rubbed the back of his neck where the muscles were beginning to bunch painfully. After another small sip of wine, the young man went to the cutlery drawer and pulled out the knives and forks. He frowned then put them back, wondering if Jack wouldn't prefer the real silver tonight. Going down to the bedroom made Philip feel uneasy - which was something he'd never felt in that house before. Waiting at the door, he watched as Jack, dressed in just a bath towel around his waist, stood by his side of the bed, fastening his watch to his wrist. He wondered what Jack was thinking about, but didn't ask. In fact, he didn't make any sound but Jack still turned to face him. Neither said a word until Philip finally steeled himself.

"What cutlery and crockery do you want to use tonight? The stuff we use okay?"

Jack screwed his nose up as he went to the closet. "Get the good stuff out for them. It's in the-"

"Pantry. Yeah, I know," Philip said, having seen it in there the first day he'd stayed. Jack had never used it with him though. He turned without another word and went back to the dining room, leaving Jack to get dressed.

He'd almost finished setting the table when the colonel came out, dressed in beige pants and a black cable knitted sweater. The gray hair was slightly ruffled and Philip's first instinct was to flatten it down, but he held back.

"You might want to run a brush through your hair," he said as he remained concentrating on the stirring of the food. Jack casually ran his hand over his hair in a feeble attempt to flatten it. He watched as Philip reached for the glass of wine then, without a word he reached out and rattled the bottle, sensing almost half of it was gone. He didn't say anything, merely went down to the cellar and fetched up another bottle, opening it, too, to the air. As he settled the bottle onto the counter with more caution than necessary, he turned to look at Phil beside him. "You okay?"

With a well-practiced shrug, Philip said, "Sure." What was the point of telling Jack he was feeling a huge case of deja vu? That would add guilt to the issue and Jack cared enough about him to probably stay around because of the guilt factor alone. That wouldn't work, so he merely kept quiet about it. He glanced back to see Jack waiting beside him. "What about you?"

The colonel's brow arched slightly. "I'm doing what you asked me to do.." Philip nodded. Well, at least he was taking it seriously. "I think you're right, "Jack went on to say. "I think you deserve it. It's not fair to you if I don't really look at my feelings tonight."

Philip hated hearing that, but nodded nonetheless. He wanted Jack to dismiss it, but mean it, and he wanted to be safe and secure, wrapped in those strong arms once more.

"I'll tell you something you do deserve," Jack said, watching as Phil closed his eyes before mumbling, "Yeah? What's that?"

"You need to feel secure. You need to be sure that I'm not going to hurt you like John did..."

Philip lowered his face and sighed. What he wanted were the reassurances Jack had always given him, telling him it was right and going to work out - not this sudden new development. He hated being 'here' again with a man he'd let himself start to love.

With a gentle brush back of Philip's long bangs, Jack left the room once more and Philip reached for the glass, sculling the contents quickly. He caught his breath as he tried to stem the rising tears within him. Damn you Jack! He thought to himself. How had he let himself fall in love again! Leaving his glass where it was he turned around and went outside onto the back porch, standing against the wooden railings, one arm folded across his body, the other tucked into his back pocket on his tight fitting jeans. He tilted his face to the sky and felt the light rain patter against his warm cheeks.

Standing out there he recalled the games John used to play with him - vicious games that Phil was too naive and too in love to realize. He wasn't going to go through that again, but as he thought about having to lie back in his own bed, cold and alone without Jack in his life anymore, he wondered to what extent he'd go to to keep his new lover. How much was he willing to forgive and ignore in order not to be alone anymore? Opening his mouth, he felt the soft rain patter on the tight-feeling lips. His tongue came out and swiped the droplets across the dark pink skin then he swallowed but kept his throat arched back as he did. Part of him was glad that Daniel was coming there tonight; seeing Jack with Daniel would give him some understanding of what was really between the men.

Yet he wanted to run as well - from the horrible truth that this night might reveal to them all. With a heavy sigh, he asked himself what good running would do. He wasn't the kind who turned from troubles. He stood and faced them, often earning himself gut-wrenching slaps in the face because of it, but at least he knew he was honest to himself. Even when the truth came to bear and if it didn't work in his favor, at least Philip knew that he'd been honest with 'himself' and that counted for a lot in his books!

His hair billowed then whipped around his face as the breeze grew stronger. The rain started to fall a little harder than before, and he was finally able to feel it through his sweater and feel the droplets run off his upturned features in tiny streams. He gave a soft cough, clearing his throat, then he startled when he heard a soft voice beside him the instant that the rain stopped falling on him. Opening his eyes he saw Jack next to him, an umbrella held over the two of them.

"You'll catch cold.." Jack watched a large droplet trickle along the shiny ebony brow, then down over the curve of the younger man's cheek then drip off the side of the chiseled jaw line.

//Would you care?// The dark eyes blinked, but he said nothing.

Jack sighed and looked out over the mist filled back garden. "I thought you'd stopped this," he said, before turning to look at Philip again.

The reddened lips parted a moment before Philip said, "I felt like it again."

Jack stared at the gorgeous face, then noticed how his dark hair had started to crinkle into the curls that Philip detested so much. The younger man always pulled his wet hair into a tight tail at the back of his head to stop he curls from forming after he'd washed his hair. He didn't think he suited short hair, not like his brother did, but he also didn't like the wavy curls his longer hair had - making him took too effeminate, he thought, with his sharp features and pink lips. He often wore his hair pulled back or dried it straight as soon as he'd washed it. Now though, in the moist air, it was crinkling into the wavy curls he hated so much. Jack smiled at him, discovering that he liked the look - a lot!

Thunder boomed in the background and Jack turned to look off towards it. The sky lit with a sudden flash and he arched his brow.

"Are you coming back inside?" He turned towards Philip now. The younger man diverted his gaze.

"No. Not just yet," he said quietly. Jack looked at the umbrella over them then passed it over.

"Here." he said, then touched the tip of Phil's nose with the tip if his finger. "Don't stay out too long!" he said with an amiable smile. Philip gave a hesitant smile in return.

"I'll come in soon," he told him. Jack squinted as thunder boomed and lightening flashed once more.

"Just make sure it's before you do that Ben Franklin thing, Okay?"

Philip smiled and ducked his chin to his chest. "Sure."

Jack went back inside and left the younger man to his thoughts and privacy. Alone, with nothing but the sound of heavy raindrops on the umbrella's surface to bother his thoughts, Philip thought about the very brief tender moment they'd just shared and closed his eyes as he secretly wished for more of them.

To Be Continued...