Are You Liberal Or conservative?

Ever wondered whether you're a Liberal or a conservative?  Well, stop wondering & take this test to find out.  This precision test has been scientifically designed by a team of experts to tell exactly what you believe.  Scoring is easy, just choose your answers & add the total points to see if you're a Socialist, capitalist, or merely a statist libertarian.  Have fun!

I.  Smoking a Marlboro is
Healthy (10)
A good way to support the States' needy tobacco farmers (8)
As dangerous for you as drinking milk (4)
Probably not a good idea (0)

II.  How many guns do you own?
Lots & lots, with enough ammo to survive a 2-year siege (10)
1 for me, 1 for my wife, & 1 for each of the kids (8)
A matching "his & hers" set of Glocks (4)
1 or none (0)

III.  Tom Brawkow says something about the UN.  What pops into your mind?
Black helicopters (12)
Microchips in your buttocks (10)
Boutros Boutros whatshisname (4)
Madeline Albright (0)

IV.  You're a devoutly religious person...how do you show it?
Go to church/synagogue every wek (0)
Give money to charity (0)
Make big donations to a certain large PAC led by Pat Robertson (8)
Take Bible quotes out of context to prove God is a republican (8)
Bomb an abortion clinic (10)

V.  Hillary Clinton?
A Communist (10)
A rich Communist who made big money on the market (10)
Too outspoken (6)
A good woman with some good ideas (0)
The first lady (2)

VI.  Bill Clinton vs. Bob Dole?
Bob Dole (8)
Bill Clinton (2)
Ralph Nader (0)
That libertarian guy, whatshisname (6)
The little guy with big ears, Ross somebody (4)

VII.  Good TV?
Nothing since Leave it to Beaver (10)
The Simpsons or Murphy Brown (0)
Ellen, but only because she's a lesbian (2)
The 700 club (10)
Friends, but only because everyone else watches it so it must be good (4)

VIII.  Cinema?
Only if it stars Charlton Heston (10)
Only if it stars Bruce Willis (6)
Ah-nold! (6)
Only if Nuns picket the theatres where it's being shown (0)
Only if the fat guy gave it thumbs up (4)

IX.  capitalism?
I like being able to choose between Pepsi & Coke (2)
I'd sell my own kids to make a buck (10)
It's my religion (10)
What's my Netscape stock at today? (4)
It sounds better when you call it "free enterprise" (4)

X.  Your kid gets a bad grade in math.  Your reaction is...
Blame it on Secular Humanism (10)
Blame it on the NEA (10)
Blame it on Diversity Training (10)
Blame it on Newt Gingrich (0)
My kid is home-schooled! (12)

XI.  You see a gay person.  What do you do?
Punch him out & then tell him that he's going to hell for sinning (10)
Tell him he's going to hell but don't punch him out because you're a very tolerant person (8)
Tell him that you don't care as long as he doesn't "flaunt" it (6)
Nothing, what's the big deal? (0)
Silly, I am gay (0)

XII.  Your favourite congressman/senator...
Bob Dornan (10)
Helen Chenoweth (10)
Barney Frank (0)
Ted Kennedy (0)


XIII.  The environment...
I like clean air & water (0)
Pass me some fried bald eagle drumsticks please.  Yummy! (10)
The free market will magically clean up the water (8)
Armegeddon is coming soon according to Revelations, so who cares? (12)
I don't care.  I can afford bottled water (8)

XIV.  The Internet is a bad thing because...
It's full of sex & porn (10)
It's owned by some person named Bill Gates (4)
It's been rumoured to have been frequented by known atheists (12)
The Newt Gingrich sing-a-long page (0)
This site (Leave.  Now.)

XV.  I drive...
A pickup truck with a gun rack & a confederate flag sticker (10)
A Geo Metro with a Greenpeace sticker (0)
A Mercedes with a Dole/Kemp sticker (2)
A Chevy with a Rainbow flag & a Clinton/Gore sticker (2)
I take the bus (0)

XVI.  My favourite magazine is...
National Review (8)
New Republic (6)
Crazy!  The magazine for kooks (10)
Guns & Ammo's swimsuit issue (12)
Some magazine that only the alternative bookstore carries (0)

XVII.  They controll everything...
The Bilberburgers (10)
The Trilateral Commission (10)
The Counsil Of Foreign Relations (10)
The media (10)
The Jews (10)
None of the above (0)

XVIII.  My favourite section of the newspaper is...
Dilbert (2)
The business section (6)
Jumble, The Scrambled Word Game (4)
The classified ads, looking for used farm implements (8)
I don't read the paper, it's too Liberal (10)
I don't read the paper, it's too conservative (0)

Scoring
0-60 Congratulations, you're a Liberal.  Obviously, you have brains, intelligence, wit, & good looks.  Use them well & try not to make conservatives too jealous.

61-100 You're a middle-of-the-road kinda person.  You obviously have good heart, but aren't as Liberal as you should be.  Bill Clinton scored in this range.

101-130 Yikes, a conservative!  Turn off Rush for a while & notice how quickly you regain consciousness.  We'll be waiting for you when you do.

131-200 Out of the ballpark, certified right wing nutcase.  I'd insult you some more, but I don't want you coming after me with your collection of Chinese-made assault rifles & drool on me as you talk about black helicopters.  So, good day & seek help, if not for yourself, then for your children's sake.

BACK