Fun With Dr. Laura

Brief explanation:
If you haven't heard of Laura Schlessinger, let me say, welcome to the planet Earth.  So how did "Dr." Laura come to grace the front of my site?  Well, first of all, her ultra conservative views are always a plus for making my site.  But more importantly, she is FUNNY! 

First of all, let me be clear here.  I think there is a 99.9% probability that her whole show is staged.  Think about it, first of all, her PhD is not in psychology, meaning she isn't actually qualified to offer any sort of professional advise.  Second of all, over all the years she has been all the radio, does anyone not find it strange that no one has ever stood up to her?  I know if she ever talked to me the way she talks to her callers, I'd just tell the bitch to SHUT THE FUCK UP!  Third of all, face it, the show's just a high brow version of Jerry Springer.  People call in to wail over their "moral dilemas" and then Laura rips them to pieces.  In the Springer show, the high point of the show is the "fights", and likewise on Laura's show, her "telling someone off" is the highlight of her's.  Simply put, Laura's bad attitude = RATINGS.

Still though, her right wing views are twisted enough, and enough people actually take her seriously, that she needs to be debunked, humiliated, and then given a taste of her own medicine.  So here we have, 2 generic calls.

#1
DR. LAURA: Hello, Sheila.
SHEILA: Hi Dr. Laura.  My boyfriend's mother recently-
DR. LAURA: How old is your boyfriend?
SHEILA: Umm, he's 19.  Anyway, his mother has in the kitchen at his house-
DR. LAURA: And how old are you?
SHEILA: I'm 18.  Anyhow, I went into the kitchen to help-
DR. LAURA: How old is the mother?
SHEILA: I think she's about 45.  So, she was in the kitchen doing the dishes after a dinner a dinner I attended &-
DR. LAURA: What are the dimensions of the kitchen?
SHEILA: I'm not really sure.  But-
DR. LAURA: No, not "but."  You don't know the dimensions of the kitchen, "period."  You're having dinner in your boyfriend's mother's house, but you haven't bothered to acsertain the physical properties of the kitchen architecture.
SHEILA: Well, I didn't think that was important.
DR. LAURA: You didn't think that was important?!  Do you care about your boyfriend?
SHEILA: Yes, but-
DR. LAURA: No, no "buts."  If you truly cared about your boyfriend, you'd be aware of the size of the kitchen.  Now that we've determined that you don't care about your boyfriend, what is it that you'd like ME to do for YOU?
SHEILA: Well, ummm..., I was in the kitchen & his mom asked if I would mind performing unnatural sexual acts upon their German Shepherd while she watched.
DR. LAURA: Again--what is it that you would like ME to do for YOU?  YOU called ME, remember?
SHEILA (sobbing): I just wanted to see what you thought of that request.
DR. LAURA: It doesn't matter what I think of it--what do YOU think about it?
SHEILA: I thought it was wierd.
DR. LAURA: Wierd?!  Wierd?!  You thought it was "wierd" of your boyfriend's mother to ask you to have sex with their dog, but it's "not important" that you know the dimensions of their kitchen?  What's wrong with this picture?  (annoying, hyena-like giggle)
SHEILA: Well, my boyfriend never talked much about his kitchen.  I just thought-
DR. LAURA:  Sheila, Sheila.  Don't think.  Just tell me why you called.
SHEILA: Should I have sex with their dog?
DR. LAURA: Are you shacking up with your boyfriend?
SHEILA: No, we both live at home.
DR. LAURA: You're not living with your boyfriend, but you need to ask ME if it's OK to have sex with HIS dog?  Am I missing something here?
SHEILA: So, I shouldn't?
DR. LAURA: Do you DESERVE to have sex with his German Shepherd?  You don't know anything about his kitchen, & you're not living with him?  You still need me to answer this question?
SHEILA (submissively): I guess not.  Thanks, Dr. Laura.  I feel much better now that you've berated me in front of the ears of 10 million people.
DR. LAURA: That's my job.  Now take on the day.

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