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| Happy Halloween. Here's a feeble attempt to fit in with other internt journalism sites, in the form of a festive article. To be honest, Halloween isn't that big of a deal in my life, as nothing really accompanies its arrival every 31st of October. Maybe I am compairing All-Hallow's Eve to the wrong stuff. Or have a stick up my ass. |
| Some of the Many that Frighten Brettzki. |
| Fear is present in every mind that thinks and every blood-pumping heart. Courage, opposed to the popular "lack of fear" definition, is the ability to overcome and face chickenheartedness, but feelings of terror and fright are still present. In the spirit of Halloween, here's your chance to learn five things that scare the crap out of me. Fear #1: Clowns Not very unique, but Coulrophobia has become somewhat of my trademark around town. People reckognize my "I Hate Clowns" sweatshirt more so than my face, hair and other things that make me fall under the "person" category. This results in "That One Guy Who Hates Clowns" becoming another alias of mine. My fear of the vile creatures started when I was a yougin'. To this point in my life, I have always blamed Stephen Kings "It" for my inital scare. A lie. Total fib. I've never even seen the movie, althought I know the ending goes. Makes a good story, you know? The event that actually triggered the 'phobia was a PBS show. This wasn't just any PBS program, it was strange one where kids performed little (for an extreme lack of a better word) music videos of popular songs. I'm not the least bit sure what it was called. Anyways, this fateful episode they did a rendition of "Put on a Happy Face", from the classic musical Bye Bye Birdie. It wasn't the song that upset me, it was the acts of the children supposidely sining it. |
| Eek. Good-bye innocence, hello trauma. |
| The kids sat on stools, not unlike those in a barber shop. An adult clown walked by behind the kids while they sang. He applyed makeup on each of them, similar to the shit on his mug. When he finished, the kids popped out of thier seats as full-fledged clowns. You may be saying to yourself, "Doesn't that make you less scared of them? They're real people!" Yes, it's ironic that a tool to remove Coulrophobia sparked the flame which is my fear of clowns. It was just so bizzare that actual human beings would dress-up like that on their own power. Why did do that? Why did men wear makeup? What's with the polka-dots? I've divided my Coulrophobia into three levels, the first of which was described in the previous paragraph: their appearance. The other two have been only recently created, when my relationship of clowns has turned into one moreso based on hatred rather than fear. There's a chance you may have, unfortunately, heard the stories of clowns tricking kids into situations that result in them getting raped. Not only is it gross and disturbing, but it's another reason clowns should be looked down upon rather than laughed at. The third and final reason I hate clowns has to do with my future, or lack thereof in this case. Althought I hate them today, they might be my colleagues and coworkers if I don't get my act in gear and hit the books. I interviewed some clowns once, and asked about their college experiences. Both had never attened one. Both had crooked, toothless smiles, beer-bellies and a strange odor, too. |
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| Brettzki the clown? Dude, that's sick. |
| Fear #2: Liv Tyler 3 years ago, I saw "The Fellowship of the Ring". The one thing that really stands out about the show in my mind is Arwen, the Elven chick that would be the future wife to Aragorn. Arwen was played by Liv Tyler in the whole trilogy, and I dreaded each time she made an appearance on-screen. Sure, Liv is a good looking girl. But there's something about her that really freaks me out. I am going to need some intense research to figure out just what the hell that thing is... |
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| Not the face.... |
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| ...or the body... |
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| ...even the hands look good. |
| Okay, what the hell is it? Liv isn't just good looking, she's fucking gorgeous Maybe it's the fact that her dad is Stephen Tyler, I've never been fond of his Anaconda-like jaw. But Liv doens't exactly fit her dad's mold perfectly, striking more of a resemblence to her Playmate mother. Lead singer of Aerosmith and a former PB bunny? Her folks raised her well. Let's check her acting career... |
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| May I? |
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| I am starting to figure it out. If you're a guy, you know what I am talking about, maybe. Girls who are extremely attractive to boys like me are also extremely intimidating. Sometimes it's so bad that looking a teenaged female in the eye is almost as scary as staring-down Bill Romanowski with a chainsaw in one hand and a bottle of speed pills (not steriods for a change) in the other. I think Liv Tyler is my favorite actress...in fact she is definately the best women is showbiz. Pity her, she has earned a fan. And that fan is me. Fear #3: Bottled Water Fear #3! The last one of the article! You're almost finished suffering through this totally voluntary torture. This phobia may seem totally random and seem like I just looked around my computer desk and found something to be afraid of, but it's not. You have my word. What's so scary about bottled water? Only the fact that it just may DESTORY ALL HUMAN LIFE. Think about it: what is bottled water? Fresh, saltless Hydrogen Oxide. It's great for numerous purposes; bathing, cleaning, boiling and of course, drinking. And oh yeah, if people don't consume some water every 3 or so days they die. The leaders in the world of water-bottling are Evian, Aquafina and Coca-Cola's Dasani. Those aren't the only distributors however, as just about every food company in North America sells water in some type of container. A bottle usually costs one US dollar, but sellers may gauge the price to $2, or even more. Supply and rip-off is the name of the game... |
| It's bottled water potential that makes it so frightening. Consider a world where all the fresh water on Earth is eventually in bottles across the planet. Knowing a good opprotunity when they see one, all the water distributors in the world combine to make 3 or 4 mega-corporations. Soon 20 oz of H20 will cost you $19.99 instead of $0.99. Then come the riots, people yelling "Let us drink!" as they storm, resulting in total chaos and then complete anarchy. All because people can't go to a water fountain or buy a water purifier for $20. Damn you! You blew it up! Okay, so bottled water isn't that scary. But you know what is? Fear #3.5: Hardee's Hardee's is the type of fast-food chain that really doesn't care for their customers. Remeber the whole "Supersize Me" scandal and how it made McDonald's the posterboy (...) of fatty intake. Mc-D's reacted by removing the Supersize along with adding good-health-suggesting products, such as an improved salad selection and bottled...water... But Hardee's is souless. Fucking souless. In the wake of whole "fat is bad" American phase , Hardee's released thier own special form of a Weapon of Mass Destruction. The 2/3 lb Monster Thickburger. |
| Seasame Bun 4 Strips of bacon 3 slices of American cheese 2 third-pound Angus beef patties Mayonnaise |
| 1410 calories (965 from fat) 107 g of fat 229 mg cholesterol 2740 mg sodium |
| Health Info |
| Judas. Fucking. Priest. "Gut-bomb" doesn't begin to describe this beast of a sandwhich, hell neither does "beast" or "sandwhich". While fast food was starting to be actually good for you, Hardee's went the totally opposite direction. It is going to be, if it isn't already, liable for at least 7 deaths of American citizens. Who knows when it will strike again? |
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| There you have it. I am full of fear, and you should be too. Unless you're just stupid and do stuff without thinking, then I cannot do anything for your benefit except for wishing you a splendid October 31st. |
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| Okay, fine, there's a little bias on my part. I am currently an employee of a resturant in the Hardee's chain. The job is degrading, thankless and worst of all, only gets me minimum wage. It could be worse, but working for a murderer of human beings is a little unnerving. But it allows me the chance to destroy it from the inside. |
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