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Awards. They suck.

After watching G-Phoria a few weeks ago, I decided how terrible it was and immediately thought I can do better. Gamers shouldn't be allowed to vote. It's like letting rednecks and hippies decide who is the President! Ahem. In JHF's history (approx. 1 year) I've viewed and experienced forms of various entertainment, giving me the right to make my own award show...post. Here's the First Annual Jackitron Awards, presented by nothing besides Yahoo. I swear I have nothing aganst Ron Howard.

Hi, I'm Ron Howard.

And I'm Tina Hernadez, former Dallas Cowboy cheerleader.

And welcome to the...

Featuring...us.

That's it?

Yup. On with the show! Our first award of the day is for-

Wait! Explain to the viewers what this show is all about!

Or we can make out.

No. Anyways, the awards will be given to the winners of various categories taken from entertainemnt.

So like porn? Hehe

No, perv. Video games, movies, TV, music, sports and everything else in between!

Porn's in-between.

Uh...on with the first category. The nominies for Best TV Show are...

And the Jackitron trophy goes to...

To accept the award is Meg Griffin.

Family Guy

Wow! I'd like to th-

(Orchestra Plays)

What? I just-

Get the fuck off the stage, bitch.

Fine!

Well, now that's out of the way... Our next set of nominations is for Best Sports team of the year.

I love sports. And space! And directing!

And the Jackitron award for best team goes to...

Miami Dolphins

Dave Wannstedt will accept the award for the team.

This team lost their star running back to maryjay and other spirtual shit, had to play several games knee-deep in the swamp known as "post-hurricane" Pro Player Stadium, held back by plenty of injuries and a quarterback controversy on top of it all. Yet they still found a way to be unbeatable on NFL Street 2. Thanks for getting me fired, guys.

Isn't that magical? Listen to Ron for info on our next award!

Thanks, Tina. Our next category is "Biggest Waste of Time". I was once told I was a waste of space. Ha! Space!

This site.

And the winner is...

"This site"? Uh...I'm confused. Help Tina!

Here is Brett Warx on stage to redeem his award.

Who's Brett Warx?

Uh...the guy who is controlling everything we say or do now. Check this out. GO PACKERS!

Playstation 2 is way better than XBox! Why did I say that?

Cause I made you say it. Ahem, isn't this a surprise? Thanks Ron and Tina for being so..."cooperative". That's all I really need to say. Now host the show without speaking!

...

Haha, I'm just messin with you. Carry on.

Suddenly I have the strong urge to get naked.

Suddenly I lost the strong urge to get naked.

...uh...here are the other award-winners we didn't care to show you.

...

I would make a comment about Britney and Madonna making out, but Master Brett isn't letting me.

That's a very good thing.

You know Tina, there's a bunch of award shows out there.

Yes there is, Ron. But what is the best one?

And the Jackitron for Best Award Show goes to...

Grammy's

To accept the award is...uh...there's nothing popping up on the prompter.

Master Brett tells me "Because nobody wants to be assoctiated with that crap."

Makes sense. What's with you and "Master Brett"?

I like pie. Can I have some of yours?

Maybe later...

That always means "No"...

Right about now, in a real award show, we would have some type of entertainment for our audience.

I could dance for them! It could do a lyrical to the 'Happy Days' theme song!

Here's our next Jackitron to be given out: Biggest Flop.

And the winner is...

Advent Rising

To accept their trophy is their publisher, Majesco games.

Wow, what an honor! To win over a stuido-jeopardizing moive and Vlade? Incredible. I must tell you how hard we worked to make this game fall short; not only did we make it sub-par, but we also ran a billion commecials! And our little million-dollar contest for the people who actually played the game? When we pulled that out, we had this in mind. We are now working on future ways to fuck you over.

I'm sure if we had an audience they'd be cheering.

We're coming towards the conclusion of tonight's show, so let me thank all the sponsors who made this possible!

Thanks Yahoooooooooooooo.

Thanks Yahoo. You enjoy movies, Ron?

Please, call me Howie. And yes, viewing motion pictures is one of my many hobbies. So is roller-curling. And spitting!

Here are the nominies for the Worst Movie of the past 12 months.

And the winner of the Jackitron is...

It's blank! That means there was a 4-way tie! All 4 award accepters come up to the stage.

...

Give me my award!

Hell no! I worked hard for this trophy.

We can all agree that my movie is the worst.

Even so, why am I in a Disney movie in the first place?

Shut up, Diesel! If that is your real name.

Can it Davis. Why don't you try actually making funny comics?

Why don't you try acting?

Guys, I screwed up Star Wars. Fucking Star Wars!

Fellas! There's only 1 way to settle this.

Uh...Ron?

It's time for...

Huh?

What?

I'm confused...

Awww yeah!

Hey folks! Howie here, now taking my new role as a commentatior! A deathmatch commentator! (Not to be confused with Bethsatch Somentater). It seems Diesel has his weapon-of-choice selected, let's wait for the others...

This is all I got...

Why are we doing this?

You will experience the true dark side!

Let's do this!

This is for "Cold Around the Heart"!

Shit! That missed almost as bad as "Radio Murderers!"

(noise a person makes when they get shot in the face several times)

Good thing you're a better shield than producer.

Diesel takes a great leap of dismay as he unloads a few rounds into Stone's face! I love it! More death!

Uh...Ron?

...and then to make it even better, Vin lands on Stone's freshly-killed carcass! Hmm, Lucas looks different.

No! No!

You're next, Jimmy.

Nobody makes me look stupid but me!

Oh hell.

NOBODY!!!

Am I dead yet?

Kill! Kill! Kill!

Woah! Diesel gets caught during a reload and Lucas gives him the ol' Count Dooku treatment. With only 2 fighters left the trophy is still up for grabs!

Ron!

Shut up, it's getting good.