| Not even Jim Fucking Druckenmiller (Fuckenmiller?) can make teal and maroon look good. |
| to the... |
| 2001. Warx was a wee sixth-grader, who thirsted for all but love. My interests ranged tremendously. But with no doubt, sports were my biggest passion. If my favorite teams were doing poorly, my mood followed suit. The video games that I enjoyed most were that of Madden, NBA Live, and *sigh* Backyard Baseball. If I wasn't watching ESPN, I was at the park, playing tackle football with the boys...and sometimes girls, too. Football dominated a large chunk of my life in the fall, but when the spring came around, not so much. Then came the... |
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| You've more than likely heard of it. You're even more likely to hear the legend of how badly it flopped. Yes, our little XFL (Xtreme Football League, dumbass) only lasted 1 season but I enjoyed every second of it. Little backstory for ye: the XFL was the football league started by Vince McMahon of WWE fame. The game was supposed to be "real", hardcore, down-and-dirty, unchained, unleashed, extreme football. How did they do this? Oh, they had teams with Xtreme names (for real) and changed some minor rules. It keeps me up at night wondering why it didn't work. But I am totally forgetting what this article is paying tribute to. Not the league itself, but one very (not) special team: the Memphis Maniax. Ah...Tennessee in the late 90's-early 2000's. No other state in the history of sports had accumlated what they did. Before this time period, the Volunteer state had only the Volunteers (U of Tenn-Knoxville) to proudly cheer for. Then came the Tennesee Oilers. The Houston squad moved to Nashville in 1997, causing much nickname irony (they're ain't much oil in Tennesee right der!) To avoid any more confusion, they switched the name to the "Titans" the year after. The country music capital of the world recieved another franchise the shortly after in the form of the Predators (NHL), keepers of the best logo in American sports. Tennesee got another club to call their own when the Grizzlies weren't doing so hot up north in British Columbia. The migrated southward to Memphis, where they still call home today. But there was another team received by this area... the Memphis Maniax. Not the only XFL squad based in the southeast (Birmingham and Orlando also had teams), the 'Ax finished their only season at 5-5, a tiebreaker short of the playoffs. What made a .500 team that didn't achieve any postseason games special? I am the type of person who likes sports jerseys a little to much. It's gotten to the point where I waste time critiquing them, along with the occasional arguement over which is better. Sad, yes. But not nearly as depressing as the uniforms worn by the 'Ax: |
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| Uughh...teal and maroon do not make good friends. Throw in fucking goldenrod and you got yourself a brawl of colors so gruesome that it causes physical pain to the human retna. But if you make the unis black-and-white, and they're not half-bad. Wait, the logo is still there... |
| Looking like a 10-year-old drew it during math class (the face), the Maniax had to use the final letters of their nickname to graize their helmets, in order to keep some dignity. What if other teams did this? |
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| Doesn't work the same, does it? Only the 'Ax could pull it off. Why be an electricty-generating fish when you can be a hatchet? Shit, even the name itself is terrible. The Memphis Maniacs (spelled correctly)? Wow...a crazy person. Scary. Especially because words like "mania" and "crazy" haved been toned down to child-appropriacy. Something like "Psychos" or "Madmen" would've been a better fit, and even more XTREME to go alongside. Of course, the mispelling added some edge, but not enough to give them any type of credit in my book. Well, let's get to the important part. A team doesn't win games because of cool nickname/jerseys, no. They need quality players, along with a great headcoach and staff. Did the 'Ax have all that? Not exactly. They had a few ex-NFLers who were either not good/young enough to play in the leauge anymore. Calling the signals was Jim Druckenmiller, former San Fransico 49er. He went 21-55, 1 TD and 4 INT in his career (in the NFL), which is way more than me. Hats off, Druck. Other well-known Maniax: -Roosevelt Potts, FB (IND, MIA and BAL 1993-98) -Damien Dodson, WR (Receptions record holder at Memphis University) -Jesse James, C (Shares name with famous outlaw of the ol' west) Another notable is Rashaan Salaam, former Heisman Trophy winner at the U of Colorado. This (assumed) Muslim running back was drafted 21st overall by the Chicago Bears in 1995 but didn't do much else besides that. Despite 5 seasons in the NFL, his only role on the 'Ax was that of practice squader. He got to run all the plays but his own... The head coach of the 'Ax was no other than Kippy Brown, the current wideout instructor for the Houston Texans. Kip was a former Memphis University Tiger (like 3/4 OF THE FUCKING TEAM) and had some experience in the field of coaching before taking over the 'Ax. The rest of the staff? Not that important to look for, duh! After a rough...ooh! I almost forgot! The 'Ax had to play somewhere, and that special place was the Liberty Bowl, home of the Memphis University Tigers. Wait, this is beginning to seem strange. Let's take a moment for this very serious question. Have you seen the Memphis Tigers and the Memphis Maniax together in the same location? |
| Like I was saying...the Maniax fought through a rough 3-5 start, they won the two final meaningless game of the season to finish at a terribly average 5-5 record. This would've been good enough to make the playoffs, had they not decide to choke against their division rival San Francisco Demons not just once, but twice. In their defense, they only lost by a combined 16 points in the 2 games. And the Demons upsetted their way to the XFL Championship, where Tommy Maddox and the LA Xtreme kicked their sorry red asses, 38-6. Which leads me to another thing. Funny that a team named the "Xtreme" wins the XFL title... |
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| There's not much else to say, except that the world would be a better place if we still had Memphis Maniax running around, playing football and such. On second thought, no it wouldn't. RIPXFL. Rypecksful? |
| Last time I make this joke. Promise! |
| Fig. 6.92 (What if other teams...this) |
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