| Me, Design a Roller Coaster? |
| Roller coasters seem to be mighty popluar around these parts we like to call "America". And for good reason. They come in all shapes and sizes, from the alligators at the county fair to Kraken at Sea World Orlando. But basically they are all the same thing: wheeled box on a track. Coasters can be relaxing and funny or frightening and adrenaline-pumping. Either way they are an enjoyable experience. Every since a school trip to central Florida, I've been very interested in the rides. Then I got to thinking, what would be the ULTIMATE roller coaster? Well, you would start with... (unnessesary space) ...a sweet name. Most current coasters have names that are all tribal like and definately not real words like Montu and ShieKra (both at Busch Gardens Tampa). So to get the Utlacoasters name I'll type random letters on my keyboard: Retjik. Something's wrong about that. Maybe I could try an 100% American name, like the Rockin' Roller Coaster. Or possibly they could be themed to movies, such as Batman: the Ride. I'll use my brainpower to combine all 3: the Roastin' Retjik. Well, 67% isn't bad. Logo? |
| I guess since every other coaster to have a story, I'll give The Roastin' Retjik one as well. Here we gooooooooooooo! An ancient race of (insert state here) natives believed in a mighty god of fire named Retjik. Retjik was a kind god, only if you did his willings. Failure to do so would result in a terrible death in a large burning inferno storm. There...we...went. To go along with the story will be a cool waiting line. I mean, a really, really sweet waiting line. Why, you ask? Because this line goes for both football and roller coasters: "You're only as good as your worst player". I hope it does at least. The waiting line would be not only Retjik-story-themed, but there would be concession stands, live music and David Hasslehoff to comfort the riders as they wait in line for the scariest/coolest/most bizzare/controlling/sex changing/funnest coaster...period. |
| But enough glitter and fog effects...or maybe not even close to how many we need...here's the mind-boggling trip the Roastin' Retjik takes you on. Rides start with either 2 things: a big drop or the train is launched.. Retjik would do both. Now, how can I do that? Well, the chain lift would look and sound like normal, but halfways up you'd be shot off by hydrolic cannons that would accelerate the cart from 2 to 60 in like 4 seconds. Or faster. So you are already going really fast when you reach the peak, then comes the tremendous fall. Drops are both the scariest and coolest part of coasters, in my opinion, so Retjik has to have a good one. Try like 280 feet, at 88 degrees, because a drop at a right angle when going 60 mph isn't a good idea. After Susan (the name I gave to the inital drop) would come not 1, not 2, not 4, but THREE loops. Any momentum lost would be regained after a shorter drop, which is follwed by some hills that give you nice airtime. And that's about it for conventional for Retjik. Then Retjik would make a nice twisting, inverted turn and would lead you into a head-chopping opening in the side of a large buidling disguised as a mountain. Now the ride becomes an inside coaster, with fire on all 4 sides of the as they fly through scenes of destruction. Other scares include a large fire that the rides are speeding through but they drop below in, only to rise again for more excitment. The train rises a little to small door. On the other side is another drop, this one smaller than Susan. Then a bunch of Zero-G rolls and corkscrews until you stop the ride of your life. Hopefully alive. Wouldn't want any casualties, you have to buy our Retjik-merchandise still. That was terrible. I'm sure somebody's already thought of that. He's the ultimate thrill ride: you stand and then a guy shoots you with a pistol. At least the line would be short. Now, almost every coaster has a feature where they take a photo of the train as the riders are in a frightened state. Retjik would have the same, but it would a lot cooler than anything Disney has to offer. Stupid Splash Moutain and its censorship...ing. You can do anytype of poses you want: flashes, middle fingers, shockers, or anything the hell else you want. You could also crop the pictures for a single row, or even a single rider. Then you could put names, event memories or insults on there. Much like this: |
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| The train on a roller coaster is important. Because without them, you don't have any rolling or coasting going on, just a lot useless track. The Roastin' Retjik must have a cool train-style...but not anything too familiar. Oh, what to choose from. There's the traditional sit-down, the trendy inverted and the modern floorless, along with others. I have to be different. Try this: inverted, but you are laying down. Ho ho! I think I'll go with 5 rows of 6. This way, nobody is too far from the front, where the best ride is had. Check out this prototype. |
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| There you have it. Retjik isn't the ultimate coaster, but it's name registers 1 result from Google, and I swear it must be a typo. Hooray for originality. I again apologize for any crappiness this article has to offer. My bad. Here, have a picture. |
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