Jokes

These Jokes are from all the coners of the world. Some are nice and most are not.

What do a bungee jump and a Hooker have in common?
They're both cheap, fast, and if the rubber breaks, you're dead.

How does herpes leave the hospital?
On crotches.

Good: Your children are sexually active.
Bad: With each other
Worse: And your wife.
Worser: And your dog

Good: Hot outdoor sex.
Bad: Getting arrested.
Worse: By your husband
Worser: And you're a guy

Good: The teacher likes your son.
Bad: Sexually.
Worse: The teacher is a he.
Worser: He's 60 years old.

Good: You go home for a quickie.
Bad: you get caught by your wife
Worse: You're with her sister.
Worser: And your dog

Actual Announcements Taken From Church Bulletins.

1. Don't let worry kill you -- let the church help.

2. Thursday night -- Pot luck supper. Prayer and medication to follow.

3. Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our church and community.

4. For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

5. The rosebud on the alter this mourning is to announce the birth of David Alan Belzer, the sin of Rev. and Mrs. Julius Belzer.

6. Tuesday at 4:00 PM there will be an ice cream social. All ladies giving milk will please come early.

7. Thursday at 5:00 PM there will be a meeting of the Little Mothers Club. All wishing to become little mothers, please see the minister in his study.

8. This being Easter Sunday, we will ask Mrs. Lewis to come forward and lay an egg on the alter.

9. The service will close with "Little Drops of Water." One of the ladies will start quietly and the rest of the congregation will join in.

10. Next Sunday a special collection will be taken to defray the cost of the new carpet. All those wishing to do something on the new carpet will come forward and do so.

11. The ladies of the church have cast off clothing of every kind and they may be seen in the church basement Friday.

12. A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music will follow.

13. At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be "What is Hell?" Come early and list to our choir practice.

Acutual News Headlines. Can't make these up.

1. Crack Found on Governor's Daughter

2. Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash

3. Expert Says Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

4. Iraqi Head Seeks Arms

5. Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

6. Prostitutes Appeal to Pope

7. Panda Mating Fails, Veterinarian Takes Over

8. Teacher Strikes Idle Kids

9. Miners Refuse to Work after Death

10. Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

11. War Dims Hope for Peace

12. If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

13. Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

14. Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

15. Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

16. Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

17. Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

18. New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

19. Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

20. Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

21. Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy

22. Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

23. Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Good: You have a wife.
Bad: Your wife's leaving you.
Worse: For another woman.
Worser: Who is your sister.

Good: You bought a vibrator
Bad: You can't find your vibrator.
Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.
Worser: It's a vagina

Good: You go to see a strip show.
Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.
Worse: You paid to see it.
Worser: And she's 12.

Good: Your wife's kinky.
Bad: With the neighbors.
Worse: All of them.
Worser: And your dog.

Good: Your teenage son is spending a lot of time in his room "studying"
Bad: You find a bunch of gay porno tapes hidden in his room.
Worse: He's in them.
Worser: And so are you.

Good: Your wife gives your daughter the birds and the bees speech.
Bad: Your daughter keeps interrupting.....
Worse: ......with corrections.
Worser: And she's 13

NEXT!