written in my current style - minimal puncutation - simplified spelling - impressionistic - with an attempt at an offbeat plot

while the plot revolves around a crime - its genre is not really crime or mystery or whodunnit - its a drama about an ordinary guy

by

john a eyon

tic tic tic

"the body of 21 year old gilly o'ryan was found this morning in this apartment building in the medina neighborhood - the police have been investigating but have not yet revealed the cause of death - they do say that it is being treated as a homocide"

tic tic tic

a graphic beneath a close up of a woman identifies her as a police spokeswoman

"we are still searching for clues and the public can help us - we are asking that anyone who might know something - anything - relevent to this case - please call the police phone tip hotline"

tic tic tic

the reporters voiceover introduces a distraught middle aged woman as the mother of the murder victim speaking to the press this afternoon

tic

pat lowers her knitting and drops her chin to peer over her reading glasses at the tv screen

the name 'judith o'ryan' appears beneath the sobbing lady - shes about our age - pats and mine - a wet sheen covers her cheeks - choked sobs pervade her speech

"gil - ly was - a - warm and loving person - al - ways - willing to help - how could - this have ha - appened - to my baby"

as the reporter appears on screen to conclude the report - pat resumes her knitting

tic tic tic

pat murmurs "a mother shouldnt outlive her child"

the tic tic tic of her knitting needles echo in deep silence of our home that lies beyond the television wall of sound - an empty childless home - barren - like us - pat and me

tic tic tic

but theres something else nagging at me - it started small - it grows to becomes an ache - i need to recall it - but it is one of those elusive ones

tic tic tic

i concentrate on the gentle clicking of the knitting needles - silence my mind - my body

tic tic tic

long minutes go by

tic tic tic

then - like a flood

that name

gilly o'ryan

or read it

tic tic tic

i remember now

i remember cuz when i saw the name stanley on it and i thought that it had to do with me - then i realized that this stanley was a last name - mr stanley - erhart stanley - he worked with us - at the insurance company - in fact - he was one of the companys principals - and - evidently - he had acquired some sort of insurance coverage thru our company

thats how it became fixed it in my memory

and there was a young womans name on the form too - a catchy name

but was it 'gilly o'ryan'

i cant be sure now - maybe the news program that planted the name in my head - replacing the foggy one that was there before

damn

tic tic tic tic tic tic

murmuring - distant voices from the administrative offices down the hall

a sharp echoing scrape of a chair as edna rises to leave for home - she waves as she departs - there goes the last other paper pusher left in the cavern

i scan the vastness to make sure

dark sky beyond the tall tall windows - dim yellow shimmer spilling from the ceiling lamps 30 feet above - gently bathing the ordered clumps of 50 odd desks from which peep random glowings of lights accidentally left on - an eerie shadowed emptiness

my heart beats faster and stronger - i know that taste in my mouth - its fear - i feel the trembling - like stage fright just before speaking before a group of people - like waiting for the annual review with the boss

will i do it this time

last tuesday - i left without trying - defeated by nauseating fear compounded by doubt

really - what are the odds of nice mr stanley and gilly o'ryan - really

when the evening news once again reported on the murder and the mother sobbed and pleaded again - i told pat of the insurance form

her eyes were wide - "are you sure"

"no im not sure - all i know is that its a form belonging to our mr stanley"

"but if it has gilly o'ryans name on it too you must take it to the police - think of her mother"

tic tic tic

"think of her mother"

thinking of her mother on wednesday evening only got me part way to mr stanleys office - i could hear voices in the other offices - so vividly could i imagine being caught by those people that i jumped at the loud voice that demanded "what are you doing in his office" - the voice came from my imagination - but so visceral was the shock that i turned around and headed back to my desk and gathered my stuff and left

pats silence that evening amid the tic tic tic gnawed at me - as did my own shame - as did the news report on the stalled homicide investigation - this time the report included a candid photograph of gilly in a happy moment

its now a new evening - a new chance - i shift uncomfortably at my desk

do you really think tonite be different

earlier i called pat and warned her of my tardiness - "its that damn monthly report - gotta get it done tonite if i want to get tomorrow off"

i hadnt mentioned taking tomorrow off to her before - still - pat said nothing about it - she must have known what that meant

a couple higher ups in coats - conversing - stroll past - down the hallway to the elevator - after hearing their elevator depart for the lobby - i listen for further murmurings down the hall - while a vague recollection of the photo of gillys happy face wavers before my eyes

so young - our daughters age - if we had had a daughter

murdered

what her last moments like

were they painful - fearful

thats why i dont read mysteries anymore - i cant see past the victims - past their suffering - their familys torment

how i want to live in a place where that sort of entertainment would be distasteful - where a young woman can grow up unconcerned - without fear of a twisted mind wanting to brutalize her and cut her life short

i am seething now - fear has been displaced - mostly

i glance down at the completed monthly sales report i was working on

why didnt i think of that before

suddenly - i rise and hurry across the linoleum floor - my shoes clap clap clap to the accompaniment of their delayed echos

i just realized how to justify my intrusion into mr stanleys office

i need to get - really need to get - another report from mr stanleys room - the one i borrowed from him the day before and returned to him - it had figures on it that i could use to cross tabulate with the monthly report i am working on

my tread turns to a muffled clump clump clump as i enter the hallway with its lowered ceilings

theres mr stanleys room just ahead to the right

clump clump

its right here - pause - consider

dont quit now

grasp the knob and twist - and push - feel for the light switch - my heart leaps at the sudden illumination

too bright

quickly shut the door

all right - calm down - first things first

hastily search for the cross tabulation report - i find it where i expected to find it - atop a stack of papers in a wire basket with a sign that reads 'to be filed'

lay it on the corner of mr stanleys desk for easy retrieval - then scan his desk and the low cabinets abutting the wall behind his desk

the top of his desk - landscaped - little stickies stacked in neat piles - a holder for highlighters - another holder for writing pens - so its not surprising to open the drawers and find their contents neatly arranged

alright mr stanley - im as fastidious as you are - only ive been at it for a lot longer

open one drawer after another - carefully manipulate the folders and papers - putting them back into their original positions when done - three and a half drawers take almost a half hour

a dull moan in the distance

what was that

the elevator

heart - thumping - racing

file folder - replace - carefully

it cant be mr stanley - not right at this moment - what are the odds

slide drawer closed

come on - control yourself - think

heart pounding

mind in a blur

steps - distant - muffled - unmistakably closer and closer

oh - the office door - why did i close it - thats suspicious

and like all the office doors - the light leaks thru the crack at the bottom of the doorway

rise - retrieve the cross tab report - head for the door

and stop

no - i cant

i add it up - closed office door - me coming thru right at the moment the person arrives - it all adds up to suspicious behavior

at an insurance company - many people think like that

desperate - i sit on the sofa in mr stanleys room - planless - i close my eyes and half lay down

the footsteps stop short - down the hall i hear a door open - shuffling movement - then maybe a minute later - a step in the hall - a door shutting

thoomp - closer - thoomp - a creak just outside the door - the door with the light leaking from beneath the bottom

a moments silence

a single knock

"erhart"

the sound of the knob being grasped

turned

a surprised voice - "stan"

i pretend to jerk awake - "huh" - and look up into the smirking face of mr winslow -

he asks "what are you still doing here"

groggy - only half pretending - i mumble "aaah - i just came - uh - to get last months sales - uh - something to check my figures against - uh - just thought id rest here for a few minutes"

mr winslow rests his hand on my shoulder and finds himself staring into my giant and unforced yawn - he says "cant you finish tomorrow"

"no - uh - im taking tomorrow off - besides im almost done - uh - i just need to cross check some figures" - i hold up the report

mr winslow says "its your life" - then adds "im just here to pick up my cell phone"

"oh"

"okie dokie" he says cheerily - at that he turns and leaves - clump clump clump - i clump right behind

"thanks for waking me" i call after him - without looking back he waves and says "nite"

i head to my desk far back in the cavern - i cant see mr winslow but i can hear ghostly foot thumps and visualize his shadowy figure continuing to the elevator - i distinctly hear the elevator bell - the doors sliding shut - then a whining and moaning of the elevator - then silence

i walk warily down to the elevator - no one

i rush back to mr stanleys office - trying to calm myself at the same time - i kneel before the last drawer i searched and continue

less than 10 minutes later - i come across a familiar looking document with mr stanleys signature near the bottom - i scan back up to the top - yes - there is the name 'o'ryan' under 'last name' - and 'gillian' under 'first name'

its an rental insurance form - mr stanley is the renter of the apartment - gilly is the occupant

i clump down the carpeted hall to the copier sitting next to the cavern - of course it sits in powersave death

press start key

pace as copier hums awake

stop occasionally to check the console - 'warming...'

place the form under the hood anyway to save time

is that the elevator

walk hurriedly towards the lobby

i think i hear the high thin whine of the elevator starting - but im not certain - i arrive at the lobby - stand - staring - listening

the floor indicator doesnt move

relief

trot to the copier - console displays 'ready' - so press the start key - grrrrooaann - the copy sloooooowly emerges

retrieve both papers - pause to make sure theres nothing more to retrieve

hurry clump back to mr stanleys office where i place the original in its folder and restore it to pristine condition

in the next few minutes - i go to my desk - place the photocopy in my briefcase - find no errors when i cross tabulate the two reports - return to mr stanleys office - place my final report on his desk - return his report atop the to be filed basket

then i stand poised at his office door with my finger on the light switch as i look around for telltales of my intrusion - light switch off

light switch back on - scan the room once again - light switch off

still disquieted i close the door

back at my desk - i park every item in its proper place - coat up - welcome the whine and moan of the elevator - emerge from the secure parking garage into a nearly vacant downtown night

friday morning - i wake up with my usual workday alarm - pat is already up preparing breakfast - she seems impatient

"well" she says as i sit

i nod - "im gonna do it" i say

pat nodded - satisfied

not too much later - i find myself in the waiting area of the police station - surprised at the respectful noise level - but depressed by the decor of flourescent glare on casework - at least my wait isnt long - a tired looking detective with unkempt hair and chair dented pants appears - "stanley bowen"

"yu" - i clear my throat - "yeah - thats"

"detective wiscowetz" he says as he shakes my hand - "follow me"

we march to a small room with a table and 2 chairs and a ribbon of floor space - he closes the half windowed door behind me - then as we lower ourselves into our chairs - i drop onto the tabletop before him a plain vanilla file folder - which he opens to find the single photocopy page

i begin my well rehearsed explanation - "our companys insurance form for apartment dwellers - it has gilly o'ryans name as occupant - and erhart stanley - a principal in our company - as the renter"

"i seeee"

i pause to let it all sink in - then he speaks - "and how did you come about this"

the question startles me - "i i saw it - it came across my desk some months ago - i recalled it vaguely when i saw the news report on her death"

"you kept it all this time"

this wasnt the conversation i rehearsed

"nuh no - i found it in mr stanleys room and xeroxed it"

"soooo - he doesnt know about this - about youre bringing it here - copying and bringing it here"

"no - di did i do something wrong"

he shakes his head - "noooo - i dont think so" - sitting back he says "what else do you know about this erhart stanley and gilly o'ryan - their relationship i mean"

"nothing - i i only know whats - whats in this form"

"do you know anything about them - when theyd met - when theyd meet - hear any rumors"

"nooo"

"sooo - this is all you are bringing us" - he waves the solitary paper

"yu yes - thats all i know - i i thought it would help - i dont know why - i thought it was the answer you were looking for - i i guess i did mr stanley a great injustice"

"now now mr - ah - bowen - thats not what im saying - i do intend to look into this further - it may lead us somewhere - but lets not - weeell - i wanna thank you for sharing this with us" - he stands - folding the form into the folder at the same time - and holds his hand to shake mine

i flee to the exit - to the sidewalk - where i empty the entire contents of my lungs into the atmosphere - then stand and recover - then turn and trudge home to report to pat

tic tic tic

the evening news on friday offered only a brief recap of gillys murder - nothing new

tic tic tic tic tic tic

its saturday morning and i am one giant welt - a psychic one - nothing that shows on the surface - unless you count my stoop - my shuffling - the forlorn set of my mouth

the night before - i couldnt sleep because the embarrassment of the police visit played over and over in my mind - it continues flogging me over and over in broad daylight - but even worse - pat persists in consoling me - "you did what was right" - "im proud of you" - "you were thinking of her mother" - i finally had to escape her by driving to the store - and staying away - so that it was only my memories that tormented me

she is sullen when i finally return midafternoon - but its worth it for the silence it brings

tic tic tic

i must be harboring a glimmer of hope for im anxious when the teaser for the evening news begins

maybe therell be a breakthru

despite the detectives attitude - but the teaser didnt even mention the murder - still - i continue to hope

tic tic tic

its halfway thru the news - there apparently wont be any mention of the murder - whatsoever

tic

pat puts down her knitting

"you did the best you could stan - stan - dont walk away"

i enter the bedroom and close the door

silence

tic tic tic tic tic tic

the sun wakes me early on sunday morning - the welt has pretty much disappeared - in fact i feel unusually vigorous - the best in years - after a quick toaster breakfast - i attack the yardwork with a long lost frenzy - muscles stretch and strain - skin sweats and reddens in the sun - all the while i ignore pat - hoping that despite her failure to grasp it after years of marriage - maybe this time itll sink in - for me - for men in general - silence heals best

she calls me for lunch - i eat on the porch alone

then back to yard work - and car trips to various stores

before i realize it - the shadows have stretched and the sun disc is almost depleted of warmth

as i retreat to the house - pat holds out her hand containing lotion for my sunburnt skin and aching muscles - "itll hurt bad tomorrow" she says as she rubs it into me - shes right but i dont mind - my muscles ache - my back aches - my skin burns - and its all worth while - everything seems alright again

tic tic tic

both of us missed the dinner time news - and i didnt plan on watching the 11 oclock news - until the commercial break just before 10 pm

tic tic tic

"the police are talking to a person of interest in the murder of gilly o'ryan - details on the 11 oclock report"

tic

pat and i glance at each other - i switch to channel 2 which has continuous rounds of half hour local news - we have to wait only a couple minutes for the top of the hour to arrive

the anchor reports "there appears to be a break in the case of the murder of gilly o'ryan whose body was found last monday in her apartment"

the field reporter standing next to a neon police department sign aglow in the late evening adds "we are not revealing the name of the person the police are talking to - they are calling him a person of interest - officially he is not a suspect"

when i am finally able to speak - i say "it could be someone else" - but admittedly i hope that it is mr stanley - only mildly guilty at wishing such a thing for a decent boss who hadnt done anything nasty to me

"did they show anyone - i didnt see anyone" pat says

"no - there was no one shown"

"still - it could be the result of your tip"

"there were other tips - it could have been one of them - i mean - what are the odds that it was my tip"

tic tic tic

"i wonder" pat muses

i sit - too excited to retire - even tho tomorrow is a work day

tic tic tic tic tic tic

on monday morning i learn why its called all abuzz - thats exactly what the cavern sounded like when i arrived - "hey stan" - "didja hear" - "erhart stanleys been arrested" - "for murder" - "seems he was involved with that girl who was murdered last week" - "what are the odds"

i respond to each mechanically - in a daze - barely able to figure out what to say - and certain that i dont want to tell anyone that i stole a principals document and xeroxed it and showed it to the police

just before lunch - i get a phone call from the detective - "can you talk" he asks

after my yes - he tells me that i was my form that broke the case - that led them to erhart stanley - but i was not to worry that i turned in an innocent man - they have the killers dna - and they have matched it with - oh - 97 percent certainty to mr stanley - and - as a result - he confessed

then he finishes with "while i would like to think we could have uncovered stanley eventually - your evidence speeded up the process - for that - the police department wants to give you our thanks"

we hang up

i did it

i did it

i stoop to read the headline at a newpaper stand at my homeward bus stop - 'man arrested for murder of o'ryan' - somehow that solidifies it for me - gives it an objective certainty

are you happy now gilly

i wish you were still alive too

but in this reality - the ugly one - where you were killed - your death took me out of my sleepwalking lifestyle - and by coincidence - by luck - allowed me to contribute to that headline - oh it took some effort on my part to remember and recognize the connection - but it wasnt a large effort at all

so why do i feel so good

squeaking brakes shatter my pensiveness - i straighten up as my bus bobs to a stop - the doors part and i ascend

this time - as i pay my fare - i notice the friendly face of the driver - this time - as i saunter down the aisle in search of a seat in the crowded bus - i notice the bored passengers - but they dont seem to notice aging harmless me

if only they knew

end

Copyright 2005-2006 by John A. Eyon