Many of my posts on here are going to be concerning my adult life and my first marriage as well. Its because of my guiding principal that I basically got married the first time. I was too young to apply it in all practicality to everyday life. I was working at the local McDonald's in 1985 to help pay my way through college. I had dated occasionally in high school and had one 'steady' my junior and senior year. I didnt date much in college because I simply didnt have the time then. I was still a virgin at twenty and not ashamed of that fact. A girl started working there in the fall of 1985. I have always had an inherent weakness for redheads and sure enough, she had very nice auburn hair. She was also cute, but always seemed down and unhappy. Gradually we began to talk to each other and I found out that she had a 6 month old daughter that she was trying to support on her own. She couldnt go after the father for support, because she claimed she didnt know who he might be. The more she talked about her home life, the more problems seems to emerge. She had been abused mentally by her own mother, being told that she was the reason that her marriage had broken up and that she was never wanted. It was drilled into her head that she was worthless, is it any wonder that she did her best to live up to that standard? She was also abused physically by her older brother who from what I could gather was a text book example of a sociopath. She had been beaten rather explicitly and assaulted with a broomhandle according to her. I felt badly for her.
Someone very important to me much later in my life told me that I have a "White Knight Syndrome". I want to try to save the world single handedly. To an extent, I believe that is true. The important distinction is that I have come to learn that some people out there dont want to be saved.
I managed to win 2 tickets through the college to see Chuck Mangione with the Pittsburgh Symphony perform. I had always been a fan of jazz and enjoyed many of Mangione's compositions. I asked this girl if she wanted to attend the next time I saw her at work. She said that she had no idea at all who Chuck Mangione was. I should have seen that as a red flag personally, but being the good "knight" that I was I was determined to give her at least an enjoyable evening out. The night came for the concert and I showed up at her place to pick her up. She then told me that she couldnt find a sitter for her baby and wouldnt be able to go. I could see that she was disappointed at not being able to get out for an evening. Since I had won the tickets and wouldnt be out any money, I decided to forgo the concert and spend the evening there instead. To make a long story short, I ended up losing my virginity that night. Since I was inexperienced, I didnt know what to expect at all. Looking back now from hindsight, it was very odd. All of the lights had to be out and she seemed to be withdrawn from any activity that was taking place. Almost like she was willing her mind to be somewhere else while just leaving her body behind. Afterwards, she still seemed somewhat distant and not completely there in the room. It felt odd sitting with her afterwards....awkward in some way. Part of my mind was thinking about all of the things that she had told me about what her life had been like up to this point. I hated to think that anyone would have to live under those circumstances. I started to think that I could help her out a little bit. At least show her that life could be a lot better then what she was used to. The more that we got to know each other, I found out that she had dropped out of high school a few month short of graduating. I thought that in time she would acheive her GED at the very least and straighten out her life.
Fast forward 13 years and two more children later, we are divorced and have three kids that have no idea where their 'home' is as they are all spread out. I will get into all of the fun stuff that happened in between in other posts. The purpose of this post is that sometimes when we have the best intentions in what we do, it could be for the wrong reasons. Do I feel bitter about those 13 years?? I dont honestly know. I know that I missed out on a lot in life during that time. At the same time, I felt like I was doing what was 'right'. There is nothing at all wrong with wanting to help others. There isnt enough of that spirit in the world today. The problem is that the others have to want to be helped. If they arent willing to change themselves from the inside, all of the help and support that the world has to give wont amount to anything.