She�s been watching me the entire time today. Of course, everyone�s been watching me because I am the district attorney trying the case after all, but she has never done it before. Being who she is she always watches the suspect, fixing them with an iron gaze, a gaze so intense I�m often left breathless when looking into her eyes, but today is different. I knew before she kept her watch on the suspects because she wanted to ensure my safety and my comfort if you will, but I had always wished she did it because she cared; maybe she does.
This past week has been hell. I�m in the last stage of arguments and all week I have met with the detectives to prepare for my closing, the closing arguments I am having such a hard time concentrating on at this very moment. Granted, I needed far less time with the detectives to prepare than I actually had, but I needed to see her; I needed to know if I was right.
Progressively throughout the week, I�ve worn shorter and shorter skirts as I gauge the reactions she�s had. My shirts have become tighter and tighter as well, and my hairstyles more flamboyant and feminine. I even started to wear contacts, which I never do unless I think it is absolutely necessary, but that was only one day; I somehow got the feeling she liked the glasses better (thank God because I don�t know how long I could�ve lasted with those horrendous things in my eyes.) Everything I do this week is for her, and I think she knows it.
Yes, I have a crush on her. The first time I realized that I had a freak out, not such a good thing considering she was right next to me at the time. Not only is she smart and a brilliant detective, she is a beautiful woman, inside and out, and she treats people with such respect and kindness that my heart melts every time I see her. I�m sure the office would never stop talking if they found out the �ice queen� had a crush on somebody, much less a co-worker, who happens to be female to boot, but I do, and I think she knows.
Does she like me? I don�t know. I don�t even know if she has any admiration for me, but that�s ok because I have plenty to spare for her for the both of us. The only thing I feel confident in right now is that she�s attracted to me, and that is such a relief because every time I see her I feel like ripping off her clothes and making love to her right then and there. I hope I�m not wrong though, I�d be completely crushed. I want her so much that even the possibility that she doesn�t find me attractive is painful.
I�ve finished my closing but am loathe to walk back to my seat, for that would mean I�d have to turn around; I�d have to face her. I need to get a grip, I mean, it isn�t like I�ve never seen her before. <Ok, turn around Alex, go back to your seat and wait.> I turn around and she�s there, in the back row of the courtroom, chocolate eyes fixed upon me, a smile beaming on her lips. Oh god, oh god, oh god, I have to breathe. In, out, in, out; but her eyes are so intense, I�m about to faint. I have to sit down before I collapse or I make a fool of myself in front of the entire courtroom. I think I�ve forgotten how to move with her looking at me like that. Breaking our eye contact I pull out my chair and sit down with an abrupt �thump�.
A few minutes later court is adjourned and the jury goes back to make their decision. I hope to god that I win, because anything less will leave me feeling like I�ve let her down in some way. I should be concerned about letting down the victim, letting down the family, but all I can think about is her and her eyes. After I put all my papers into my briefcase and have gathered my wits I turn around; she is gone.
I�m disappointed and relieved at the same time. I don�t know what I would�ve said to her after that little silent exchange we shared back there. I walk out of the door and make a right; I need to leave and go get some lunch. As I�m walking down the hall I see her and I freeze; she notices me and smiles. I hope I don�t look like a total idiot standing in the middle of the hallway. She approaches me and I begin to talk; I am a lawyer after all.
�Detective Benson, what can I do for you?� I manage to sputter out, still walking toward the exit.
�Oh, hey Alex. I just wanted to congratulate you on your closing, it was brilliant. You had the entire courtroom in the palm of your hand.�
I can�t help wondering if she includes herself in that statement and I can�t help looking into her eyes again either. �Where�s Detective Stabler?� I ask, wondering why I don�t see her partner around, but not really caring.
�Oh� she replies; she always says, �oh�, but I like it when she says it because it gives her such a sense of ease and friendliness. I generally dislike the usage of �oh� in front of things, it isn�t very proper English after all, but with Olivia I love it. �We had the day off today, Cragen decided to let us off the hook for once for our �incredible work�, but I wanted to see your closing after having seen the rest of the trial.�
�Oh� I say, I think she�s rubbing off on me. She came here on her free time; this is a good sign indeed. �I�m going to go get a bite to eat, I haven�t had anything all day� at this Olivia shakes her head and rolls her eyes, she knows I do this too often, �would you like to join me?� I can�t believe I just asked her to come along. Oh God, I hope she says yes. What would I do if she said no? I know she doesn�t have any work to do so that excuse wouldn�t work�
�That would be great, Alex.� Olivia replies, and I let out a sigh of relief. She chuckles but I pretend not to notice, I don�t want her to think I�m preoccupied with her (which I am, but that is beside the point.)
�I was going to go to the little diner across the street, that way if the jury comes back��
�That sounds terrific.�
Jesus, she�s really easy to please. �Great� I say, for lack of anything else coherent in my mind.
We walk the block to the Diner and cross the street, making small talk about work as we do. We sit down, and in about five minutes the waiter comes and we order. I have a House Salad with raspberry vinaigrette dressing and a grilled cheese, which gets a laugh out of Olivia, and she orders a Turkey Club sandwich and fries, gotta love a girl with a big appetite.
�You sure you don�t want anything else?� she asks me, and I nod. �Ok then, that�ll be it.� and the waiter leaves us.
We eat our meal keeping up the light chit chat, until the waiter comes back with our cheque. Olivia asks me if I want desert and I say, �Not here!� with a grin on my face, she nods.
�If you want we can head over to my place, I made some cookies last night if you want some, and we can hang out for a while. I have a feeling the jury�s going to come back today and I live really close to the courthouse. You do have your pager right?� She asks me with a look that radiates calmness, but I can tell she�s nervous about asking me. Like I could ever deny her anything?
�That would be perfect. I could use a cookie or two, and you know, I think that whichever way the jury goes they�ll come back quickly as well.�
So we walk back to the courthouse and Olivia goes to fetch her car and I wait out in front, scared but excited.
We drive in silence, she looks so peaceful I don�t want to disturb her and I don�t know what I would say anyway. It is best to pretend I am engrossed in driving I decide, I don�t want to screw up the best chance I�ll ever get to seduce Alex before we even reach my house.
I wonder as I�m driving if she has any idea how amazing she is. Sometimes when I�m in a meeting with her I have to pinch myself just to keep from staring at her; she is the smartest woman I have ever met and on top of that the most beautiful as well. I don�t really expect this to work out right, I don�t think I�ll ever get up enough nerve to make a move, but I have to at least give it a try. I�m tired of hiding my feelings and I�ve come to the conclusion that rejection is better than loosing the best thing I could possibly have just by not trying. I just hope to God that I�ve been picking up the right signals; wouldn�t it be my luck if the signals she�d been sending were aimed toward one of the boys and I just assumed they were for me. She probably hasn�t ever even been with a woman before, but at this point I don�t care; I have to try.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god, we�re at her house. I�m at Olivia�s house! We�re here! She just got out of the car; I should probably get out too.
�Alex, you coming?� she asks me. I should definitely get out now.
�Yea, sorry.� I say. How pathetic, but she just nods her head and smiles. She is so beautiful.
We�re in Olivia�s home now and she takes my coat. Her touch on my shoulders sends shivers up my spine but I try not to show it. God, if she knew what she does to me just by taking my coat off she�d probably think I�m some sort of freak of nature. Hell, I�m not sure I�m not. With Olivia around, I can�t do anything the way I want to; I feel like a bumbling teenager. I always think she�s going to find out how nervous I am in her presence, but if she knows she�s never shown it. I am Alexandra Cabot, cool, calm, collected, ice-queen district attorney; I am not supposed to be so out of control, but I am; and god help me, I like it.
She�s talking to me but I�m not really paying attention; I can�t help it. All I can think about is the feeling of her hands on my shoulders and how much I want more. She stands in front of me, so graceful and sure of herself, so strong. I wonder if she thinks I�m sure of myself. I really have no confidence at this moment at all; I am lost as to what I�m supposed to do. How do you tell someone you admire and respect with all your soul that you�re falling for them, and hard? And how do you go about it if you�re not sure they would even consider giving you a chance? God, I don�t even know if Olivia�s ever dated a girl before, much less even thought about it.
�Alex, Alex, earth to Alex�� I hear her saying my name and I pick my head up and look straight into her eyes.
�Hmm?� I say, forgetting that I�ve just been staring into space for the past few minutes.�
�Are you ok honey?� she asks me, concern tinged in her voice. She called me honey.
�Yea, yea, I�m fine. Sorry about that. I was just�thinking.� I say. Everything I say always comes out sounding so stupid when I�m with her. I swear, you�d never know I was a lawyer if you met me when I was with Olivia. She probably forgets I�m a lawyer too, but maybe that�s a good thing. Maybe she can just see me as Alex, not as a lawyer, not as sure of myself, not as perfect; maybe she can just see me as a woman.
�Oh, that�s ok. Do you want some coffee or something?� she interrupts my thoughts, and I�m grateful that she doesn�t ask me what I was thinking about, I don�t think I could�ve come up with a believable lie.
�Yea, coffee would be great.� I manage, and she goes to make the coffee.
We�ve been talking for hours although I doubt she realizes it. Alex is so easy to talk to, I never feel apprehensive about anything I say and there aren�t any long, awkward pauses. I wonder if she thinks I�m easy to talk to. Part of the reason I�m a detective is because I can talk to the witnesses and victims, people just feel comfortable talking to me I guess. I hope it�s the same way for Alex because I know I feel that way about her. I�m really hungry for dinner but I don�t want her to think she has to leave, maybe I should cook something?
�Hey Alex� I interrupt our conversation.
�Hmm?� she sounds, too relaxed to form a verbal reply.
�Do you want some dinner? I�m getting really ��
�Oh my God, what time is it? I should leave, I�m so sorry ��
�No, no, no� I sputter, I must sound like a broken record, �I mean, well, you can leave if you need to, but I just thought it would be nice if we could have some dinner here, I mean, I was gonna cook myself some dinner anyway and��
�Are you sure? I don�t want to out-warm my welcome.� Alex says with a slight chuckle to her voice.
�Totally sure, I�m really enjoying this.� I hope I haven� said too much.
�I�m enjoying this too� she says, and I smile, �I would love some dinner.�
�Great, great, um�what are you in the mood for? I was going to do simple, like pasta of some kind, maybe large shells with stuffed cheese and a light tomato sauce��
�Sounds perfect. I�m really hungry now that you mention it.�
�Ok, good. Why don�t you just make yourself at home while I whip us up some dinner, ok?�
�Do you want any help Olivia? I promise, I won�t bite�hard!� And Alex laughs so hard that I see tears beginning to stream down her face. Obviously she enjoyed using that little clich� on me. I�m tempted to laugh myself, but instead I just raise an eyebrow, letting her know that I wouldn�t mind her biting, even if it was hard.
Oh shit, I think that�s my pager going off, and we haven�t even finished dinner yet. Well, I�ll let it go a few more minutes just to make sure�Yep, it�s definitely my pager.
�Liv� should I have caller her that? It just slipped out.
�Alex� she says, I love it when she says my name.
�My pager just went off. The jury�s back, I�m going to have to go��
�Cool, I�ll drive you. You don�t have a car.�
�Oh, right, I forgot.� She smiles, God, I love her smile.
�Here�s your coat councilor.� And she tosses my coat over to me; we leave the food on the table. �Let�s go.�
Chapter 2
I�m sitting in the back of the courtroom as usual, except this time I simply cannot keep my eyes off of Alex, and I�m not too scared to look. The defendant, one John Masterson, is staring at Alex too, for if the jury convicts, which I strongly feel that they will, his entire life will rest in Alex�s hands. Alex is sitting calmly, with her hands on the desk and her feet crossed at the ankle, staring straight ahead, patiently waiting for the jury.
The bailiff announces the jury�s arrival, and they file one by one into their seats, like a family of ducks all sitting in a row. The Judge asks the forewoman if the jury has reached their verdict, and she replies that they have.
�Madame Forewoman, what say you?� says the Judge.
�On behalf of the jury, we find the defendant, John Masterson, guilty of three counts of rape in the first degree, and two counts homicide in the first degree.�
�Thank you for your time. Sentencing will commence in one week from today. This court is adjourned.�
I walk out of the courtroom and sit on a bench catty-corner to the court entrance and wait for Alex. All I can think about is her face and her gorgeous smile. When she�s not working Alex really has the most wonderful ease about her, so graceful and yet open and easygoing at the same time. It makes me wonder what demons are hidden beneath her happy surface. People rarely take up our kind of jobs for the fun of it. No, there is usually an ulterior motive for working in our fields, the need to right a wrong in our past or overcome certain fears. I wonder what Alex is trying to fix.
It doesn�t take very long for Alex to emerge from those heavy wooden doors, and when I see her lone form amidst the throng of publicists and activists I have this overpowering need to protect her. I quickly jog over to Alex before she�s fully out the doors and try as best I can to shield her from the overwhelming force of flashbulbs and cameras. When we finally clear the obstacle I realize my arms have situated themselves around her waist and over her shoulder and I feel as though I�ve been caught stealing cookies from the cookie jar at 2 o�clock in the morning.
When I quickly try to move my arms from their place around Alex I think I hear her whisper, �Don�t move� but I�m not sure if I�m hearing things or if it�s really her.
�Alex?� I ask her, hoping to figure out if she really was talking or not.
�Hold me, please?� she says in a weary, tearful voice, and as I look up I notice tears slowly making their way down her beautiful eyes to her cheeks, to drip off her face and onto her expensive designer suit.
I leave my arms holding Alex and quicken our walk so we can get out of this hell-hole as soon as possible. When we reach my car I open the door of the passenger�s side for Alex and I help her get in, then I go around and get in myself.
�My car is here you know� Alex says through her sobs, and all I can think to do is hold her again to try and calm her down.
When Alex�s tears have finally subsided I kiss her forehead and start up the car. �I don�t want you to drive when you�re like this Alex, it�s not safe. And I�m here and more than happy to drive.� I say as we exit the Courthouse garage. When Alex finishes spewing off the directions to her apartment I wonder if it would be best for her to be alone tonight, a large part o me wants her with me so I can make sure she�s ok. �Do you want to stay at my place tonight? I have a guest bedroom that�s always made up, and I can drive you to work tomorrow so you wouldn�t have to take the sub.�
I glance over at Alex and know the answer will be no. �I need to be at home tonight Liv. I need to feed my cat and I just�� and she starts to cry again.
�Alex, it�s ok honey, it�s ok now. I got ya, you�re safe� and I don�t know what else to say, how else to comfort her. As we near her apartment complex I�m reminded of my earlier thoughts of Alex and what she was hiding, and I feel so sorry that she�s in so much pain. Somehow I know that Alex won�t talk about what�s bothering her right now, but I have to ask her anyway, I have to make sure there�s nothing else I can do. When my car pulls to a stop outside of her building I get the nerve to ask Alex if she wants to talk, but all she does is shake her head no. In response I pull out a pen and a business card from my purse, and I write my home number on the back of the card, and hand it to Alex.
�If you need anything, and I mean anything at all, just give me a call ok? I�m not very far and I�m off work tomorrow, so even if it�s really late don�t worry about it and just call.�
Alex takes the card from my hand and gives my hand a light squeeze. As she opens the door to get out of the car she looks at me and says, �Thanks Olivia� she pauses as if she were going to say something else, but ultimately decides against it and exits the car, shutting the passenger side door lightly. I watch as Alex walks around my car to get to the sidewalk, and when she reaches the driver�s side window she puts the palm of her hand on the glass, as if saying, �I don�t want to go, but I have to.� When I hold my hand up to the glass shadowing her hand with mine she lingers a second longer, then drops her hand and walks slowly away into her building, alone.
If Olivia was anyone else I would be frantic right now, desperately planning what I�d say to them the next time I saw them, convinced that they knew my secret. Walking out of that courtroom thinking about that case, remembering the parallels between what Mr. Masterson did to his niece and what my Uncle did to me was almost too much in itself. Having Olivia by my side, shielding me from the press and holding me tight, that put me over the edge, I couldn�t hold back anymore.
I can�t remember the last time I cried in front of someone, it must have been years ago, but today it happened again. I felt so ashamed, I tried to make the tears go away, but all I could do was sob even harder. Liv asked me to stay at her place tonight, but I couldn�t say yes even though that was the only thing I wanted to do. I can�t let her see me like that again; she�ll think I�m weak, she�ll think I�m pathetic.
This is the first time the memories have come back like this in years. I suppose it�s just this case, but I feel like all the progress I worked so hard to make has been wiped away, I feel like I�m helpless again. Masterson�s niece was brave, much stronger than I ever was. She testified against him, and because of her testimony I was able to win the case. I never told anyone besides my therapist about what Uncle Zach did to me, and I certainly didn�t testify against him in court. I never pressed charges, and I never confronted him. Instead of doing the right thing I was weak, and I pay for my weakness every day I�m alive.
It�s been four hours since court was adjourned, and that span of time has given me the opportunity to become thoroughly and undeniably drunk. My earlier giddiness from being at Olivia�s house faded long ago, only to be replaced by a throbbing sadness in my heart and a desire I can�t quite seem to place. The business card Olivia gave me is lying on my nightstand next to my phone, and when I climb up into my large fluffy bed I can�t help wondering if things would be different if I�d gone over to Liv�s house instead of just accepting her business card.
The memories of Olivia�s hand on mine and her arm around my waist echo through my brain like the howl of a wolf in a cave, and my head starts to throb just like my heart. It is in times like these when I need to be reminded that I�m not ugly and I�m not stupid, and that it�s not impossible for someone to love me. The face of my Uncle flashes through my head as I close my eyes to sleep, and all I want is to have Olivia here with me. I want her to love me and protect me from the horror of my past, to see me as beautiful and wise.
I�m not afraid to be in love and I�m not afraid to have someone love me. What I�m afraid of is something that makes my blood run cold in the middle of the night. What I�m afraid of is that thought that no-one will ever love me again, not when they know the truth, not when they find out my secret.
There�s a faint ringing by my head and I hit the snooze button on my alarm clock, trying desperately to make it stop. When that doesn�t work I slam the off button, hoping to god that I haven�t broken my clock, and when the ringing still doesn�t stop I finally realize that it�s not my clock at all, it�s the phone. Groggily I pick the phone off its cradle, almost knocking my nightstand down in the process, and manage a sleepy, �yeah?� into the speaker.
�Liv?� a voice says on the other line, and in my drowsy stupor I can�t place the voice of the caller. The caller�s voice is strangely familiar, almost like I would recognize who it was in person but have no chance to over the phone.
�I�m here� I reply, for lack of anything better say.
�It�s Alex� I hear her say, and I wonder for a second who Alex is, and then panic sets in when I realize the only Alex I know is Cabot, and she�s calling me in the middle of the night. Something�s wrong, I should have argued when she didn�t want to stay over. I knew something was going to happen, oh my God, I hope she�s ok.
�Alex, what�s wrong? Are you ok? You don�t sound too good. Is someone bothering you? Oh my God, no-one�s broken in right? I mean, are you in any imminent danger?�
�Liv, Liv, I�m ok, I just �� and I can hear her begin to cry on the other end of the line, �you said I could call if I needed anything and��
�Give me 30 minutes and I�ll be right there.�
�You don�t have to come over, I just ��
�See you in 30. Stay safe.� I say, unwilling to leave her alone. I hang up the telephone, throw on an old tee shirt and a pair of jeans and my leather jacket, slip on my holster and my gun, and run down the block to the nearest subway station.
Chapter 3
When I finally reach Alex�s door I find it unlocked, and I step into her dimly light apartment, tossing my jacket and holster on the couch near the door. It takes me a second to locate Alex, and when I find her she�s curled up on an easy chair, sobbing her eyes out, unaware of my presence. When I reach Alex�s side I whisper her name so as not to startle her. She picks her head up from its resting place on her knees as she wipes the tears away from her eyes.
�Livia� she says, the first syllable of my name lost in her tears and hysteria, �I�m so sorry.�
�Shh, honey, it�s ok now, I�ve got you, it�s ok.�
�No it�s not; it�s never going to be ok. I�m so stupid, I�m so weak.�
When I hear those words come out of her mouth I�m reminded of my Mother, and suddenly my world falls from beneath my feet. How many times did I hear those same words from my Mother�s mouth in her dreams? How many times did I comfort her? I couldn�t figure out what Alex was hiding before, but something�s changed today, whether Alex realizes it or not. I don�t think she meant to tell me, but because of my work I understand what she won�t say aloud; now it�s Alex who needs me, and I�m not going to let her down, not like I failed with my Mom.
�Alex, you are not stupid, and it is not your fault, and you are very far from being weak. You are one of the strongest, most brilliant people I know. Look at me Alex, look at me; it is not your fault, you didn�t do anything wrong.�
�Yes I did, I should�ve known, I should�ve seen it coming, I should�ve realized what was going to happen.�
�Listen to me Alex, you had no way of knowing, and there was no way you could have seen what was coming. Something horrible happened to you, something you couldn�t control, but look at what you did control, you came out alive. You�re here today, alive and well, and you�re a wonderful, kind, caring person to boot.�
�That�s not what the other ADAs think. Everyone at the office, everyone �cept Serena and Jack, they all call me a bitch and an ice-queen behind my back and no-one likes me. I�m just a fucked up, ex-rich brat, who got raped and beaten by her own flesh and blood and was too damn scared to do anything about it. I�m just a failure, a stupid, fucked up, freak ��
�Alex stop it, look at me� and I lift up her chin with my hand, �you are none of those things, you understand me? None of them. Not a one.�
�But ��
�No. I will not let you degrade yourself like the man who did that to you. You deserve better. You are a good person, you hear me? A good person, who deserved none of this to happen to you. All those things I said before, they were all true. You�re a wonderful, caring, and kind person, and if those people you work with are too dense to see that then they�re the stupid fucked up brats, ok?� I get a little chuckle out of her with that comment.
�You think so?� Alex asks me, still unsure if I�m going to change my mind.
�I know so� I reply, hoping with every word I say she�ll start to believe me a little bit more.
Alex moves to get out of her chair and I stand up from my crouching position at her feet, thankful that my knees don�t have to endure that pose any longer. Alex motions to the couch and takes a seat and I sit a foot or so away from her to give her some space. Apparently she doesn�t need the space because she scoots over next to me leaving less than an inch between our bodies. All I can think about is what Alex must be going through and what always helped my Mom when she got upset. My hand wanders to her back as I try to think of what to say, but Alex beats me.
�I�m so sorry about this� she says in a shaky voice, �just when you finally get away from work you�re right back at it, dealing with all this shit again, except now it�s me who you�re dealing with, in the middle of the night, keeping you from a good night�s sleep.�
�God�Alex, don�t be sorry. I do my job because I care, and I know you, I know the person you are and the work that you do too, and that just makes me care even more. If you had any idea how many times I�ve been called to a scene in the middle of the night you�d know that I never, ever expect to sleep a full night� and here she smiles, because she knows as well as I do that it�s perfectly true, �and let me tell you, having you call me in the middle of the night is infinitely better than having a dead body call me out of my sleep. I meant what I said before when I told you to call anytime if you needed anything, and you did, and that makes me feel a whole lot better because I know you�re ok. I always mean what I say, and I would never have said it if I didn�t want you to call.�
�Olivia�it�s just this case, there are too many similarities, it brought back everything that I�ve been trying to forget for so long. I haven�t�the memories�nothing like this has happened in years, and it was just too much, it was so much.�
�I know honey, I know, it�s ok now, I�ve got you and I�m not leaving.� I try to comfort her as the tears wrack her body; she�s just in so much pain, it makes me want to kill whoever did this to her and fuck the consequences. If it would make her feel better I�d do anything right now, absolutely anything to ease the pain. My hand continues to rub her back and I think it�s calming her down. I feel her convulse a few more times, she sniffles twice, then looks over to me.
�Feel better now?� I ask her, hoping the answer will be yes.
�Yeah, thanks for everything Liv, you have no idea, I�m so sorry about this, I don�t know why I called, it was so inconsiderate of me��
�It was the right thing to do, and I really don�t mind. I�m telling you, I wouldn�t have said to call if I didn�t mean it. Whenever you decide you want to talk, my door is always open; I�ll be here for you Alex. You�re a brave woman for coming face to face with this, and when you�re ready to share your story I�ll be here to help you through it; not because it�s my job, but because I care.�
�How can you care Olivia? You barely know me, and here I am calling you up in the middle of the night, dragging you out of your bed, crying on your shoulder? This isn�t like me, I don�t trust people, I don�t ever take anyone�s help, I never let people�I just don�t. This is against my rules; I never do this, I�m not supposed to do this...�
�I think you are supposed to do this, because it�s time. It�s time to punish whoever did this to you, or at the very least confront them and your family; it�s time to stick up for what was taken from you, and I think I�m supposed to help you do it. I don�t know why you trust me Alex, maybe it�s the badge, maybe my job, maybe just because we�re so comfortable working together that it�s started to rub off outside of work as well, but I know that I feel like I�m supposed to help you right now, and I know that I�ve admired you and respected you for a long time. I knew from the day you almost got attacked in the courtroom that I care a great deal what happens to you, and I value you not only for your work, but also for you as a person. Is that so hard to believe?�
�Yes, because if you knew what happened, if you only knew the entire truth, you�d hate me just like I hate myself.�
�Don�t say that Alex, please�you deserve to be loved, not just by someone else, but especially by yourself as well.�
I cannot believe that Alex thinks I could ever hate her. It pains me to think that she hates herself. I take Alex�s hand in my own to let her know I�m here and I squeeze it lightly, trying my best to reassure her that nothing could make me think less of her, much less make me hate her.
�I just feel so guilty Liv. If I told you what happened, I�m afraid you�d realize that Uncle Zach was right, that I was asking for it�and then I�d have no one, because�I just�I can�t believe I�m going to tell you this, but Liv�you�re the only friend I have right now. I never�I can�t, I just don�t like telling people about myself, so I�purposely don�t have any friends closer than acquaintances. There, I said it; I�m too much of a coward to even have a few friends�I�ll have no one if you ��
�Whoa, slow down there Alex. One thing at a time. I�m not going to leave. I�m not leaving until you tell me to, ok? Nothing you say could make me disappear. I�m here for you. What I�m going to say right now is the most important thing you�ll ever hear, you ready? No one, under any circumstances, asks to be raped. Never. Not the way you dress, act, talk or move could ever give someone the right to rape you. That excuse doesn�t work Allie, because it isn�t one.�
" But ��
�Shh, I�m not finished yet. A lot of people who get raped close themselves off. It�s normal, I see it all the time. You�re making big progress Alex, this is a good thing. Those rules you were talking about, that�s something people do to try to bring control back into their lives, it gives them power over something, power that was once taken away from them. I understand about not having friends, and it doesn�t make you a coward, it makes you sensible because you were trying to stay safe. Maybe it wasn�t rational, but it came from the right place.�
The next thing I�m going to say is really important, so I take both of her hands in mine again and look straight into her eyes. She needs to understand that I�m completely sincere, that I truly mean what I�m saying. I need her to know I�m being honest with her. I need her to understand that I care.
�I�m honored that you�ve chosen me to be your first real friend in a long time, that�s really special to me Alex. It makes me feel like I�m doing something worthwhile with my life, not just with my job, like maybe I�ve succeeded.�
Alex lets go of my hands and begins to twitch her foot rapidly, as if to chase away whatever demons are prowling inside the back of her mind. Her foot stops shaking and I think she�s made up her mind to tell me whatever�s lurking in her brain. She takes one of my hands in her own and looks at me again with those pooling blue eyes, the whites all red from her crying, and it makes me even more determined to make her see how special she is, how amazing I think it is to know her. I want Alex to see herself through my eyes, but before I get the chance to show her she decides to speak, finally lifting the burden off herself, the one she�s held in for so long.
�Liv, the simple truth is that I didn�t choose you to be my friend; it�s that I couldn�t help it. I couldn�t close myself off any longer. My heart hurt whenever I saw you because you were always so nice, and I thought that maybe if I was nice enough to you, if I won enough cases, if I earned your respect, that maybe you�d want to know me, maybe I�d have someone to talk to, I thought that maybe the dreams would stop.�
�How long has it been?� I ask her, bending my mind around the fact that she was trying to get me to notice her. I was so busy trying to do the same thing that I didn�t notice what she was doing. I swear, no one would know I was a detective if it wasn�t for the badge, I�m such a ditz sometimes.
�How long has what been?�
�Since you wanted to tell me; how long have you waited?�
�I don�t know, five months maybe? Give or take a few weeks that sounds about right.�
�Oh my God, I should have realized. I can�t believe you�ve kept this inside yourself for that long, knowing you wanted to talk, but not doing it. I�m so sorry Alex; I�m a detective for Christ�s sake, I should have realized.�
�I didn�t want you to know.�
�Why not?�
�Because if I talked to you I knew I�d tell you everything, and having you hate me is so much worse than not having you as a friend; I�d much rather know you just a little than know you well and also know that you hate me.�
�I could never hate you Alex. You�ve waited to tell me this for five months, I think it�s about time you told me everything. I give you my word that I won�t think less of you, whatever you may say. You�re forgetting that in my line of work I see monsters every single day, I see the most abhorrent humans on this earth. No matter what you may think you�ve done, nothing could light a candle to what I see every day. You�re simply not capable of hurting people deeply.�
�It�s not like that, its worse.�
�Nothing is worse than hurting another human being Ales, nothing.�
�My family thought so; I was the disgrace of the entire Cabot dynasty.�
My poor Alex, what a harsh childhood, always having to live up to the standards of a long line of �perfection.� Alex isn�t like them, I know that and I�ve never even met her family. I don�t think she�s ever fit into that scene, you can tell just by meeting her. The Cabot�s aren�t concerned with justice; they�re concerned with upholding their reputation, something Alex could care less about.
�You�re not a disgrace to me, I think you�re wonderful.�
�I almost believe you.� I wish she�d believe me completely. �Olivia�it�s just that I�ve never told anyone here about my past. I try to forget it, I try to convince myself that it was another person, it wasn�t me, but it was me, and I�m so ashamed.�
�What we did when we were kids, none of that matters now. We all had our problems. I don�t know what yours were, but I know that I certainly had my own demons to fight. Allie, you can�t be expected to be perfect and to never make mistakes because we all do, humans are imperfect that�s just the way it is, but it doesn�t make us any less special.� I hope she believes me; I just want her to feel loved.
�You know I trust you Liv, that�s not what this is about. I just want you to see me for me, not for what happened to me or what I did a long time ago.�
�That�s not an issue Alex. Childhoods are the time to screw things up and learn from your mistakes, and I�ve certainly made a lot of mistakes in the past. If it�ll make you feel better I can tell you some of the stuff I did first, sort of like �I�ll tell if you tell� sort of thing��
�No, that�s not necessary, I just wanted to make sure you understood that I�m different now, but that what happened and what I did, that�s a part of me too. I want to tell you, Olivia, I want someone to know and like me anyway, but I�m so scared.�
�I promise you I�m not going anywhere� a piece of hair has fallen in front of her eyes and I place it back behind her ear so I can see her eyes again. I look into her eyes and give her a reassuring squeeze of the hands. �I�m ready to hear whatever it is, and I give you my word that I�ll still be here when you finish. We all have pasts and I know for a fact that no matter what you did you did not ask to be raped. You need to get this out. Your Uncle was a bad man Alex, and nothing he did to you is your fault, no mater what he said and no matter what you did in the past. Get it out, I promise that it won�t change my opinion of who you are now, I�ll still think of you as the most brilliant lawyer I�ve ever met and one of the most amazing women I�ve had the privilege to know.�
I squeeze her hands one more time, look into her eyes, and then she begins�
Chapter 4
How do you tell someone you love, someone you care for and respect with all your heart, something as wretched as what I have to say? Olivia says she won�t leave, she says she won�t care, but I know it will be different once she hears it. The only people who know all of this are my parents, and look what they did to me; they kicked me out of their home and they shoved some money in my wallet and told me to never come back.
I haven�t spoken to my parents in years. They didn�t care when I was accepted into one of the best law schools in the country, they didn�t care when I became one of the youngest prosecutors ever selected to try the SVU cases; all they said was, �that�s nice honey, here�s a thousand bucks, go buy yourself a fucking whore for all we care.� Ok, so that�s not entirely true, but it might as well be. I stopped calling my family four years ago and I haven�t looked back since, I just don�t want things to be that way for Olivia and me. She means so much more to me than my family ever did, what would I do if she just walked away?
I�ve wanted for so long now to tell Olivia everything, I can�t even remember what it felt like not to have that weight inside of me. I want to tell her and this is my chance, maybe the only chance I�ll ever get. I guess the only way to start is to just say it, she�ll either accept me or hate me, but I can�t take not knowing any more, I just can�t take it; and so I begin�
�It all started when I was 13 years old, the age of kissing. My best friend Marie had just gotten a boyfriend and she wanted to know if I thought he was cute and stuff. So she took out a picture of him and it was then, staring at a picture of a perfectly handsome, devastatingly gorgeous boy that I admitted to myself that I felt nothing special for him nor any of the other boys that I knew; no attraction whatsoever, just friendship.
About two months previously, one of our classmates, Tom Watkinson, had told me that he liked me and had kissed me. When I felt nothing I passed it off as a fluke; I knew I was supposed to feel fireworks and some kind of magical �spark� and when I didn�t I figured that it was just Tom�s fault, he hadn�t done it right and I would try again later, with a different boy.
A few days after the Tom Watkinson incident I decided it was time to try my luck at kissing again. I asked my trusty confident and childhood playmate Joel Webber to kiss me because I needed to feel �fireworks.� Joel had always had a crush on me and I took advantage of that fact for my own benefit; I was being cruel and I knew it, but I didn�t care. I needed to know that it was Tom�s fault, and that I really was capable of feeling fireworks. I knew Joel would kiss me if I asked him to, he�d been wanting to for years. Afterwards, when I felt nothing and Joel obviously did, I lied to him to make him feel better. I told Joel that I had felt �fireworks� but that we could never kiss again because I needed him as a friend. He agreed, and from that day on we never mentioned the kiss again.
Sometime after my kiss with Joel my friend Samantha asked me to �make out� with her so that she could prepare for when her boyfriend Kyle decided it was �time�. I�d been in awe of Samantha for years, in fact she kind of reminds me of you now that I think about it. Sam had beautiful olive skin, dark chocolate eyes, and long dark hair that flowed in waves to her elbows. She had this way of making fun of people without being hurtful and she was a real smartass, she never listened to anyone unless she felt like it and she annoyed the hell out of any adult she came into contact with. I was no wilting flower as a kid either, but I�d always admired Sam�s freeness, her total disregard for any expectations placed on her. I was always trying to live up to the mighty Cabot family�s goals for me; I was a goody-two-shoes back then, very innocent.
When Sam asked me to kiss her I thought nothing of it; lots of girls practiced with each other so they wouldn�t embarrass themselves on their first real kiss, and Sam was my friend so of course I agreed. What I didn�t bargain for when I agreed to kiss Samantha was that I�d finally get my �fireworks�, and that I�d get them with a girl. After our kiss I made some excuse about homework and ran out of that place as fast as I could. When I got home I told my mother I was going to bed and stayed in my bedroom the rest of the night, unable to fall asleep. I pretended to be sick the next day and skipped school, mulling over the possibilities in my head, wondering if what I felt truly had been the �spark� I�d been after, and if it was, what was I supposed to do about it? How was I supposed to deal with this?
That day at Marie�s house when she asked me to look at her boyfriend I realized that I was different. I may have been innocent back then, but I was no idiot. I knew there was such a thing as being gay and I knew what it meant, but I also knew that in the Cabot family gays were not tolerated; you�d be kicked out flat on your ass if you disgraced them with bringing that kind of �sin� into their precious blood, and afterwards they wouldn�t call you back in. I decided in that instant that drastic measures were needed in order to fix me and ensure that my family would never kick me out. Above all I was scared of loosing my family because even though I despised the ground they walked on I lived for their approval; I lived for the slightest hint of love from my mother.
By the end of that school year I�d managed to have sex with the entire boys basketball team, not to leave out the coaches; I did a few of them too. I had a new boyfriend every two days, and all I did was find a place to shack up with them, get it over with, and then go back to my room and cry, alone. With every boy, every man that I blessed with my body I was trying to get rid of the �sin� in me. I thought in my na�ve 13-year-old logic that if I had enough sex with enough boys that the �gay� in me would eventually get fucked out and that my family would keep me and never kick me out. God was I wrong.
The only thing I managed to do that year with all those men was get pregnant at fourteen years old, not knowing who the father was. When Daddy found out I was pregnant he made me get an abortion, something I didn�t have the presence of mind to care about at that point, and then he sent me away to a fancy all girls� private boarding school; the one my Uncle Zach taught at.
My freshman year passed without hitch. I was glad enough to be away from my parents and not have to worry that they�d suspect something was wrong with me. I threw myself into my schoolwork, got a 4.0 average, and joined the debate team where my passion for professional argument was born. All I wanted at that point was to get away from what I had become, at all costs. My sophomore year passed much the same way but I was drawn into the party scene where I eventually got addicted to Vicodin, a painkiller. Luckily my habit didn�t inhibit my ability to argue and to study, and I once again graduated at the top of my class, with a 4.0 average and a spot as the star of the debate team. I was very, very lucky.
The summer before 11th grade I spent a large part of my vacation with one of my best friends from school, Grace Summerset. Grace was a pretty little redhead with a mind for debate and a body for swimming, and extremely wealthy parents. Grace had invited me to go to Mt. Fiji with her for the summer while her parents took a cruise around Europe. We had the Summerset�s entire estate to ourselves and took full advantage of it, swimming at 3:00 in the morning and sleeping during the day. But things turned into harsh reality one day in late June when Grace walked in on me popping a few pills in the bathroom when I thought she was eating breakfast. Turned out Grace had suspected I was using for a while but had wanted hard proof before doing anything; well she had her proof.
Grace�s brother had been an addict so she knew the drill. Grace shut me up in the small guest room the rest of the vacation so I could detox. She took care of me even though I was a royal bitch to her; cussing my head off, telling her she was the devil and was going to be punished. She watched movies with me at night and cooked me three meals and two snacks a day, even thought I only ate about two of those because of my nausea. Grace told me funny jokes, bought me tons of books, clothes, and makeup, all the things I loved, and she ordered me a set of law books over the internet for my birthday in July. She made me feel so loved, something I�d never felt to that degree in my entire life.
A few weeks into my �rehab� Grace decided I could be allowed to go to the beach every afternoon with her, provided she could inspect whatever I brought along with me and I never left her sight; I readily agreed. We had tons of fun and I was able to keep my mind of the unbearable pain of detoxing for a while. In fact, I think that�s probably the reason Grace took me to the beach, so she wouldn�t have to see me in such a pathetic state. Grace was a tough girl, but she had a bleeding heart, she couldn�t stand to see anyone in pain.
On our sixth day of beach fun my life changed forever; that day is still the best day I�ve ever had. Grace decided to cut the afternoon short and suggested we go back to the estate and soak in the hot tub. I found no fault with her suggestion and agreed that it would be a nice change, so we walked the half mile back to the estate and climbed in the tub. As soon as we were settled I closed my eyes to relax; a moment later I felt a strange warmth cover my body and a tingling on my lips; Grace had decided to kiss me, and God was she good.
That night I confessed my feelings for her and she also confessed similar feelings. We �loved� each other, and had for some time now, but neither of us knew what we were supposed to do. Both of us had been raised Catholic and both of us knew that love between two people of the same sex was forbidden, but we decided we didn�t care. We were alone, we were in love, and we decided to make that love official. That night I made love for the first time, and it was amazing. I had only ever had sex before, but making love was a completely different thing, it was what I had been looking for all those years; just to be loved unconditionally and not to feel ashamed. All my life I have searched for love.
By the end of the summer our feelings for each other had only grown stronger, and we cunningly decided to be roommates back at school. Neither of us had chosen roommates yet and we were allowed to pick our roommates for the first time that year, previously all rooming situations had been assigned. We were in heaven; nothing could have been more perfect, more wonderful. We were in love, and we were going to get to live together and no one would be the wiser, at least that�s what we thought.
Several months passed back at school with no problems. Grace and I were deeply in love, we were both doing well in school and in the debate team, and we were having the time of our lives; then disaster struck. Unbeknownst to me, my Uncle Zach had a key to my room, at the express orders of my parents. Apparently Daddy had enlisted his brother�s help with keeping an eye on me and making sure that I �behaved and followed the lord�; in other words, it was Uncle Zach�s job to make sure I wasn�t sneaking any boys into the dorm and fucking them on the sly.
Obviously Uncle Zach never caught me with a boy, and because Grace and I had gotten together over the summer he wasn�t around to catch us then. No one suspected anything other than friendship between me and Grace, and least of all Uncle Zach. He knew all about my past; the thought that I might be having sex with a girl never crossed his mind, or that of the rest of my family. In fact I�m sure it never crossed anyone�s mind besides me and Grace�s. We were two perfectly normal, perfectly beautiful, perfectly catholic rich girls, who stereotypically would never have that kind of feeling for each other, but we did.
I still remember what the weather was like the day it happened, I remember everything. A dusting of snowflakes was starting to cover the ground through the glinting of the sun behind big puffy clouds. A slight wind had begun to stir in the breeze, and the trees swayed gently back and forth, as f in conversation with one another, Grace and I had both slept in until mid-afternoon that day, and we only got up when her parents were scheduled to arrive.
Saturdays were our favorite days back in school. We didn�t have to attend mass; we were always blissfully relaxed and rested after a week of hellish study and activity, and we had the rest of the weekend to do homework. We had all the time in the word to do whatever we wished or didn�t wish to do. Sometimes we just laid in bed all day, dozing off amidst intermittent kissing sessions, reading novels if we woke up, dreaming of each other when we didn�t.
That particular Saturday was a special one for us because it was Grace�s birthday weekend. I�d prepared everything so meticulously. For months I�d been thinking of the things I could get her, make for her, plan for her, and I finally had the entire night set up. When Grace got back from a celebration with her parents that Saturday I had made a nice dinner for the two of us. I�d arranged our tiny room to absolute perfection according to me. Faux candles were scattered about the room, a pathetic substitute for the real thing which we were not allowed to have at school, two place settings graced the floor at the foot of our beds and were surrounded by fresh flowers I�d sneakily cut from the school gardens. I had turned the overhead light off and only turned the faux candles and lamp on, and I draped a red cloth over the lamp to dim it and give the room a beautiful rosy glow.
Grace was absolutely thrilled when she walked into the room. No one had ever gone to so much trouble for her, she told me, no one had ever loved her as much as I had, and I was sure the same was true for me; no one had ever loved me as much as Grace did. In the middle of our dinner Grace decided she wasn�t hungry any more and I began to give her what I knew would be her real present; showing my love for her. Giving her my vulnerability meant more than any dinner arrangement ever could, for both of us. Just as I began to lift her shirt over her head I heard a distinctly familiar male voice in my head, strangely like that of my father�s voice. When I realized that the voice wasn�t just in my head, that it was real, that was when I knew I was screwed, that�s when I got scared.
Uncle Zach went crazy when he found us. He started screaming and tore me away from Grace. On her part Grace started shaking and crying. This was not what she or I had pictured for her 17th birthday; this was not supposed to happen, this was not happening, but it was. Thankfully most of the girls had gone home for the weekend so we didn�t have an audience, but nonetheless it was terrifying.
Uncle Zach was insane; he shoved Grace to the floor, then he grabbed me by the wrist and dragged me down to his office. He kept saying over and over how I�d already wrecked the Cabot name with my promiscuity and that he�d be damned if I disgraced them any more. Over and over, I was a disgrace, I was a slut, and I was going to hell. Then it happened.
He said I needed to be fixed. I tried explaining to him that I�d already tried to fix myself and that I couldn�t be �fixed�, that this was just me and that I was the same, I was still Alexandra Cabot, I was still me, but he wouldn�t listen, he didn�t care. That�s when he did it Olivia, that�s when he raped me, over and over, just like his words, over and over. He raped me, my own flesh and blood, my own family.
Uncle Zach raped me, and I couldn�t tell anyone. I knew he was right, I knew that I was wrong, I was a disgrace and a slut; everything he said was true. If I told anyone the truth they�d hate me; they�d know that Uncle Zach was only doing what was right, he was trying to get rid of my sin, he was doing what I�d never succeeded at. But it turned out that Uncle Zach didn�t succeed either; nothing could change me. I was gay and I cold never be �fixed�.
I closed myself off afterwards. I avoided everyone; I threw myself completely into school work, then into my cases. I didn�t live my life, I lived my work instead so I wouldn�t have to look into myself. I became self-abusive, I did reckless things on purpose hoping that I would die but not be blamed for suicide, I drank more and more and didn�t sleep for days at a time. I stopped eating and I compulsively exercised; all I wanted to do was cleanse myself of the guilt living inside of me, I wanted to expel my �wrongness� and I thought I could do that by punishing myself in any way possible.
A few years ago I went into a restaurant/bar complex, my goal being to get impossibly drunk and pass out for the rest of the weekend, and when I got there I received a huge surprise. Seated at one of the booths away from the bar was my first and last girlfriend, Grace Summerset, with another woman she was obviously seeing. They looked so happy, so content and peaceful. When Grace got up to go to the bathroom she handed something over to the other woman. When Grace left I looked at the other woman and realized she was holding a small baby in her arms, it couldn�t have been more than six months old.
All I could think about when I got home that night was t how that other woman could have been me and that I could have a child right now. Instead of being happy, instead of finding love and accepting myself for who I was I took the opinion of my family and thought of myself as a sinner, something I felt in my heart was untrue all along.
When Grace and I were together it never felt wrong, it felt perfect. I didn�t feel like a sinner with Grace, I only felt extreme joy and love, and above all I felt peace in my heart from knowing that someone loved me unconditionally. I gave everyting up because a few stuck up snobs who happened to be my family couldn�t accept someone different than themselves. When I got home that night I realized that I couldn�t change myself and that not being able to �fix� myself wasn�t a bad thing; it just was. In that instant I accepted that it wasn�t my fault. I came to realize that I didn�t deserve what Uncle Zach did to me and I also realized that I didn�t deserve what I did to myself. There was nothing wrong with me, everyone is different and the way I am different from a lot of people is that I�m gay; it�s nothing to hate yourself for, it is something to embrace in yourself because it is a part of who you are, it is part of what makes me who I am.
For some reason seeing Grace and knowing that she had a baby made me realize that being me is nothing to be ashamed about and it certainly isn�t something I should endure abuse over. I�m happy in my own skin now, I�ve accepted myself and all that I am. I don�t care what my family thinks anymore, I never liked them anyway. What I do care about is how I feel, what I care about now is taking care of myself and living my life, not living my work. I want to find love, I�m not scared anymore, and I want to open up. I want to be me, completely and fully, because I think the real me, I think she can do some good in this world just the way she is.
I won�t lie to you sometimes Liv, sometimes I still get the feeling that I�m a sinner just for being me. Sometimes I still think that God hates me and so does everyone else, but then I remember all the good I�ve accomplished through my work and I think that God would not begrudge me a little happiness just because I love women instead of men. It took me a long time to move on Liv, more so because I already hated myself before Uncle Zach raped me, but I�ve finally stopped feeling guilty. Love is a blessing, no matter what form is comes in, I just hope someday it will come to me.
These past few years I�ve started to open my heart a little bit more. I got closer to people, everything has been going so well, better than I ever thought it could. But this case�it brought everything back for me. The guilt, the blame, the lies and the pain, everything came back to me full force� and today, when that man finally got punished, when I put him away for the rest of his life at the least, I couldn�t hold it together anymore.
I�d managed to put away someone else�s rapist Uncle, but I�ve never even confronted mine. I keep seeing his face, hearing his words, and all I want to do is tear him apart piece by piece for all that he took away from me, for all the pain he brought into my life. I want to make him see that I am not a sinner, than I am not wrong, that I am not a slut or a whore, that I am just me, Alexandra Cabot, and that I do not need to be �fixed� because I am beautiful just the way I am.
I�m through feeling guilty Olivia; I just won�t do that routine anymore. There is no way I�m going back to feeling like I�m wrong; no one can make me feel like a sinner anymore. No one. I refuse to let him win; I refuse to let them all win. I�m still scared though Liv, I�m scared that without someone to hold me, someone to comfort me when I feel so bad, I�m scared that without love I won�t have the strength to do what I must. I�m so much stronger then I was before, but my family�they�re powerful people. I�m not afraid to admit it anymore, I need help.
I understand if you can�t look at me anymore Olivia. The things I�ve done, the things that I�ve thought, some of them are so awful I can barely make them come out of my mouth, but they are a part of who I am. If you can�t be my friend anymore I understand; not many people could handle knowing this kind of shit and I don�t expect you to be able to either, but I just want you to know that I need you Olivia, I need you so much.�
I�ve been pacing the living room since I began this one-sided conversation and I haven�t been able to look at Olivia the entire time; I was too afraid of what I would see in her eyes if I looked and I didn�t want her to see the tears falling from my eyes. Liv knows how to listen, she�s a detective after all, and I think she sensed that I wouldn�t be able to stop once I started. She hasn�t said a word, she�s let me get it all out, but I can�t take it anymore, I have to know what she thinks, I need to know.
I stop walking and look up from my trance-like state and into Olivia�s eyes. She�s crying, I�ve made her cry just as I have been crying. When we meet gazes Liv wipes the tears away from her face and stands up quickly. Before I know it she�s at my side, brushing my own tears away and pulling me into a tight embrace. All I can do is surrender to the relief I feel and let the tears come free, holding on to Olivia for dear life, thanking God for leading me to Olivia, thanking God for giving me the strength to carry on.
