I have had but two great loves on this earth in my life and both of them crushed my heart.

My first love was in high school. He was a year ahead of me and when he graduated he entered the Marines. He asked me to marry him before he left, but well...I was not naive enough to believe once he got out into the world that he would not find a different life. So I said no, not now. But in a few years if you decide that is what you want still then let me know. Five years passed and when my phone rang it was him. We were engaged on my birthday and he really pushed for us to get married. I myself was in no hurry....and I lost him.

Another five years later we get in contact again. He was still married to the gal he married instead of me. Yes, the one he crushed my heart for...but he was not happy. For days we chatted via email, messanger and even the phone. As unhappy as he was, he was not willing to do anything about it because he was too afraid of what he would lose. In that he lost me.

Among those 10 years of heartache I met my children's father. I fell hard. I had my daughter in 1991 and with in three years had to break all ties with him because it was obvious that his drug and alcohol addiction were far more important than a family. After 10 years apart we tried it again and my son was born in 2005. Again it became obvious that his drug and alcohol addictions were far more important than his family and I once again parted ways from him.

Amid that 10 years of heartache I met and married a man I never loved. It was something to do I guess. We spent seven and a half years apart in our eight year marraige before I finally divorced him. No love loss.....

A few months ago I allowed the children's father back into our lives because some things had changed for both of us. Although I loved him, I was not ready to fall back into a relationship with him until I was sure it was what God wanted and of course we had to be sure he was clean and seeking a relationship with God. He put on a good show for a while. Went to church. Got "saved". And for a while things seemed to go ok. That is until things did not start going the way "he" wanted them to or move quite as fast as he wanted. I wouldn't even consider a relationship with him outside of friendship unless I was divorced. And then, our relationship would not go to the levels it did before unless we were married. Because of this and his devotions to his addictions he lost me yet again.

Through all these years of messed up relationships I came to realize there was really only one relationship that I needed and that was with God. And because my relationships over the years had been ungodly I could not make them last. I came to realize that the only man I really needed in my life was God and then if He had a man on earth He desired I spend what time I have left here with, then so be it. If not, that sits well with me too. Because in my opinion, a woman does not need a man to live....only God.

I am not saying there are not a lot of healthy, Godly relationships out there. Because everyday I see them. What I am saying is that a relationship with a man on earth should start with God at the very foundation. Then, once the relationship grows that as long as God is number one and we keep our eyes on him...we can avoid the years of heartache. I am not saying there will not be trials and tribulations thrown at you from the devil. Because there will be! But by keeping your eyes and your relationship on God it will last.

I pray that God will continue to direct me in my path to find His will for my life. Be it with someone else or on my own. I pray He would do the same for everyone else.

God Bless!

Romans 7:2