So as we all know by now i had fallen in love - with a girl

I never fall in love...let alone with a girl.

As far as i knew from her words, she felt just the same.

"Your my everything"

"To help me at a time like this, without knowing the half of it you must be one of my angels"

"We are soul mates"

"I will love you even if you end up as big as a house and you had to wash yourself with a rag on a stick"

"If you don't propse soon, i will do it"

"I thankgod everyday for you"

"Youre beautiful in every single way there is to be beautiful"

...But there was a problem.

The problem was i didn't know what was going on inside her. Apparently she struggled everyday with thoughts of breaking up. She just wasn't comfortable being in a long term relationship with a girl. Not yet. Her dilemma was that she really did love me, very deeply - but life out side of our relationship beckonned for her...

To make things worse i was sick and confined to my bed, or at the most i would sit outside in a chair under the sun for something different. Noone was around, i was alone most days for the length of the day when i really needed somewhere there with me. My parents where away on holiday, my friends visited sometimes when they realised how badly i needed some support. I was lost in a world of my thoughts. It was horrible. If that wasn't enough  K was nursing her dying Nanna hours away for weeks at a time with a few days in between to come  visit me and give herself a break.

This was beyond what i could handle at that stage in my life. I needed her  a lot more than she needed me or at least she wouldn't let me help her all that often. Her Nanna needed her a lot more than i needed her. Everybody needed her. Even her mum wouldn't leave her alone. K found herself trapped between loving me and resenting me, meanwhile watching her Nanna deteriate made things much worse.

Being so occupied with how terrible i was feeling, i was in a constant battle of heartache and pining from being away from K for so long, and i was in a constant battle with everyone around me as K was the only one who listened. "We will figure out what is wrong with your little body, we will get to the bottom of this, it will be okay" Even doctors didn't listen to me. Parents suggeseted the most outrageous things when trying to figure out what was wrong, for instance putting it down to everyday things that i might be eating or drinking or doing too much dancing... I knew it wasn't this and it just filled me with rage that i was screaming out for help and it just wouldn't come.  It took a few weeks for them to figure out what was happening, and by then i could hardly walk from the car to the doctors office as my metabolism was so slow i had almost nothing to fuel me.

It was my thyroid.

I was set on a rollercoaster recovery that took another year. I was very unsetteld within and it was hard for others to see that i was still healing as it wasn't as obvious as other illnesses. I even forgot sometimes that i was still healing and i would wonder why i would feel so horrible. I felt like a child again, i needed care, reasurance, i need K to be my rock, just as much as i tried to be hers.

After K's nanna died things where to change again. She was devastated. It broke my heart to see her that way. It broke my heart that i couldn't help her. All i could do was encourage her to wake up, encourage her to continue with her activities and commitments, encourage her to talk.

At the same time though i felt Just like a child, all my world consisted of was the people who surrounded me, and mostly that was K . Anything else was too much to handle. Ironically, K was too much to handle also, well not K herself, but the relationship. I often had pangs of hurt whip through my chest almost every night as i felt her 'check out' of our relationship even while she was right next to me. She would turn over away from me, or i felt i would have to initiate any affection, a hug, a kiss. Sometimes i wanted to shake her and say "Do you even love me?!?!" She thought i was angry at her for some reason or another for something superficial. I wasn't angry though. I was hurt, frustrated and sad.

I didn't want to bring this up as i felt it would make things worse. Of course now in hindsight it would have been the best option. Much better than how i handled it at the time. You can only do your best at any given situation. That is what i did. Unfortunately i had everything to gain while trying my best shot at loving someone and wanting it to be forever. It wouldnt last.

She was in her own struggle and i was in mine, all my happiness was put into the relationship and we felt the strain.  I  felt uneasy, i felt like i had no idea where i stood with her, and i really couldn't see these feelings for what they were. I was distraught inside and the only way i could try to vent it was by bring up old problems and putting it all down to that. I almost thought that they really were the problems. But it wasn't.

I wish i had the ability to know and register all this at the time. I would have said

"The problem with me K is that i am miserable. Miserable with you, miserable with me. I want things to change. I want us to communicate. I want us to be happy. Most days you hurt me without even realising. We are caught up in a silly world trying to read each other instead of knowing exactly what is wrong and saying it"

I was completley struggling with myself and could feel myself pushing her further away and she didn't have the will to fix it. She stayed because she loved me, she left because the will was gone. Her struggles where enough to let her escape.

It really sounds like our relationship was a nightmare. Underneath it really was. However it was also everything but a nightmare. It was lovely. We cared for each other, we laughed at each other, we often shared our love in ways that other relationships lacked. We were gentle and kind, we were open about many wonderful things and Even though we were in some sort of a battle we adored each other. We sang to each other, we reminised with each other, we made things for each other, i made sure i could do the best that i could for her and she really did the same. Before we knew it we were totally head over  heels in love and at the same time we were ready to run away from each other screaming out of frustration! The relationship was to end, and K was on a new path to find whatever it was she lacked, and i was on a new path to do the same.

"I didn't leave you because i didn't love you"

"You will always be my baby girl, no man will ever match up to you, i will always be here"

"my soul will always rest right next to yours no matter where we are in the universe."

"ditto"

..it starts to get better, doesn't it?...maybe not just yet.

 

to be continued