I had a dream last night that i was with my child self. I'm going to refer to myself as a small child as the second person or i will get too confused! She was about 7 or 8 years old. She was gorgeous. Long curly hair, and just an adorable little face. It was me. I have never had a dream so real, or so meaningful before, not in a long time at least. I'm not sure why i dreamt about this, but it was such a happy dream to her, so much love was felt in the dream i wanted to  cuddle her, and tell her everything was okay, which i did. I stuck up for her to my mother in my dream, i gave her a big bear hug and we smiled at each other before she left. She was so innocent, and in my dream i don't think she knew who i was. (if your keeping up with this good on you) After i woke up and after remembering the dream i have felt like someone is with me, a childlike presence that can bring you so much comfort. I guess its pretty obvious to say i dreamt about my inner child, something was coming into balance for me, and well i feel it.

I logged back onto Loveshack yesterday, which i hadn't done for quite a while. It felt good to have a break from it, it felt like i hadn't needed it like i used to, definately moving on. 

It is almost exactly a year to the day.  (Tmrw)Since k left.  I have been feeling sad and missing her again - up until today which i will explain later (im sure the dream had a part in this also) At the same time i have been going through a lesson of learning to remember myself again, and what i deserve. What messages i should be sending out into the universe.

Reading a post on loveshack about listing the negative things about your ex spurred different ideas and emotions from everyone. A lot of people were up to it, and some felt it would keep you in a negative place and that it wouldnt really allow you to move on.

I agree with both, i think every now and again it is okay to remind yourself of how things werent as perfect as you thought they were, maybe just to set yourself free for a moment.

I chose to make the list. Which was okay, it didnt really help all that much, until it lead to something else. A realisation that i don't think i have ever felt before. I guess this is why people encourage you to write out the negative points, but if your not in a place where you can gain a big picture from it, and unlock something it will probably just make you bitter in the end.  It didn't make me bitter at all.  This is what i wrote

 

I started out with small things, that i really didnt mind, but i had to start somewhere.

She was overweight - but i didnt care, i loved how she looked, i wanted to her to stay how she was because the girl i saw in front of me was the girl i fell in love with.

she was mean... to others. really mean - now shes mean to me

she never said what she really felt - i got burnt by this one in the end, apparently it was my fault that she couldnt tell me anything.

she lied - she said she would love me forever, even if i was as big as a house and had to wash my selfwith a rag on a stick!

she had to see her mother way to much, or speak to her -drived me mental. sometimes i felt like i had to compete with her mother

we couldnt have cake or sweets in the house because it made her depressed or paranoid about her ED

She didnt appreciate me when i really needed it

She annoyed me at dance - thought she could do her own thing. was a bad role model for younger ones  joining in with them when they talked about a young girl that didnt quite fit in. I hated that. This poor girl, nothing was wrong with her,  She wasnt unattractive, or a bad dancer she was just different.

She took like an hour to get ready for bed! when i just wanted to lie with her

I couldnt sleep soundly next to her. - ever. not even one night out of the year we were together. - always fretful or anxious because she was to leave the next day or because i didnt feel secure with our relationship

she had to always run off to whyalla especially when i needed her. - in fact now that i am thinking about this a lot, this is what actually made me think of breaking up with her. I remember sending a text saying 'i cant do this anymore or something along the lines of. i was always getting heartbroken. She told me me she felt the same and wanted me to just hang in there for a bit longer. God that was a dreadful time.

She had to write a million lists before she could do anything on them

she blow dreyed her hair and it was done... beautiful gah, i was jelous about that! lol

we really didnt fit... we were really really similiar and really did have an AMAZING amount in common...but we were so different.

opposites. scorpio and taurus.

opposites attract but, which they certainly did  if you are bound with insecurites too like both of us had at the time love wont allow it. there was much growing to be done.

badddd timing.

she didnt want to be with me, and i didnt want to be with her either. not really. (wow)

i really didnt. i was always upset, always aching, always wondering if i did anything wrong. always wanting to please her. REDICULOUS!

i loved her, i was even in love with her, i was attatched to her, but i didnt like who i was when i was with her. at all. and i didnt like who she was either, i knew we werent living true to ourselves. We loved each other, we liked each other, but when together, we didnt like ourselves. For the circumstances, the timing, whatever - it wouldnt work

i feel lighter. .

i think i was with a straight girl... i really think i was... or at least, a girl who shouldve dabbled, not setteled.

she was attracted to me, but thats it. nothing else matched up.

we couldnt be kids for ever, we wouldnt be able to grow up together. settle. we would always be playing  it wouldnt be right. it would be tiring and maybe even i wouldve ended it if we kept it going.

i wasnt ready to give  her up, not even in the least. but, maybe that is why it happened when it did. she wasnt ready either, but she knew she had to. someone had to step out. she felt it much earlier than i did.

we did love each other but it would never have worked. im a different person now, and i dont know if i would put up with what i did before, because i always got hurt. our lifestyles are way different

our daily aspirations are also very different. We wanted wanted to do the same, we did have same views in mind, agreed on everything but in the end  we have completely different ways of getting there.

This is a great day for me. I have myself back, i can see what the relationship really was about, and still know that we loved each other. But again i insist that love doesnt hurt. It is everything else a human being feels and acts apon that hurts. If you act with love, you dont hurt. If you act with jealousy, anger, sadness, frustration, fear, this is what ends up hurting those you love.

We both got hurt a great deal, im not sure why it is taking me so long to see what our past really was, but at the same time, maybe i am able to see it much clearer than a lot of other people do about their breakups. Even though it took me a long time, i can see the truth and i'm not dripping with bitterness or hurt or anger. I love her! and It was a great lesson.  But Its time to move on. Ill try again. Lets see how this goes.

Jmina