We all know what journals are like, they make sense, they dont make sense, they can make you sound crazy. Just remember that when reading on ;)

I have a million and one things going through my head right now, spurred from finding myself thinking about one person day in and day out.

Why does it matter so much to us when our love is unrequited?

If anything love should bring joy and happiness, peace and harmony even if your the only one who feels the love. If you love that is all that matters. It doesn't matter who loves you. right?

So why is it so hard to be away from the one that we 'love'

What part of us turns the love into a bitter, toxic mindset? is it our attatchment? our weaknesses?

How do we know the difference between being in love and being attatched?

Why do we confuse them?

Love shouldn't hurt us, loving someone else shouldn't be painful, it should fill our heart with joy.

Why do we get attatched?

Is it a natural dynamic ?- a part of natures plan to keep partners together, to keep them attatched.  A way to make lovers stay around and want to have babies and care for them and protect them so then they can go on and repeat the process. A safe and strong way to keep us in reproduction? Is it that simple?

If we loved without attatchment would it last? It must be here for a reason. It is natural, and it happens to everybody.

The problem is, being attatched to someone who isn't in anycase attatched to you. This is one of the hardest experiences to have to go through. but what do we learn from loving someone who doesnt love you the same in return?

are their really gifts to be brought? and in the end is it really worth it? does the universe really know what is best for you?

Do all those who find themselves in this situation have the same lessons to learn?

What is the lead up to being attatched? what goes through our heads? and our hearts? If i think about it, i believe i remember thinking thoughts like "i want to stay in this moment forever" "i love her so much, wouldnt it be nice to be able to live together" "i wonder if she wants to hug me too, and kiss me too" "i want to feel like i did last time we were together, i want to spend more time with you" "i want to get to know this part of you that only the really lucky few will ever get to know"

Does suggesting the future entwine us into a place where we feel so attatched it is hard to be anything but with them?

Does it all come down to being in the moment? if youre not thinking about the future, flirting with the future, suggesting favourable situations in your head then do you still keep that part of you that belongs to you and noone else? to stop being controlled by emotions. to stop being attatched. to just be. and enjoy.

Is this all just a puzzle for us to work out? are the ones who find true love at the very right time, do they already know all this? do they know how to be in the moment, to unfetter what could become  a happy ending love tale.

People get married all the time, everywhere you look people seem to be in love. What made it so easy for them? how come they got to find their soul mate and i didnt? why must i take this path and they take the 'normal' path?

I remind myself that maybe it hasnt been easy for them, you dont know what others have gone through, what pain they are suffering themselves...i mean noone walks past me in the street and knows what i have been through...

But then i see my friends. It is like love has just fallen into their lap. First or second partner ever, and now they are getting married. And it isnt just one couple i can think of, there are quite a few. Why do they have it easy? maybe on the outside it looks as if they have it all set up, their love is requited, but have they given themselves time and chosen a path to set their own hearts and spirits free? If not does this mean that love will allow it to work? i guess time will tell.

Maybe i have chosen this because i acknowledge and feel very strongly about finding myself before i take on another. Maybe i tell the universe over and over again "im not ready" maybe i forget this when it gets tough and i want to just have who i want already.

I think there are two important factors here.

One - live in the moment. As always, if we can do this it may prevent a harder path. The catch is i believe,  it takes a few times over to be able to choose this option...

and two - maybe we really are sending the universe messages without being to aware, that we are or arent ready for the one thing that truly fulfills us, that makes us human. - love. Even though i want it, and feel i should have it like everyone else, even though there is a girl before me who i feel myself falling for, when i know it will never work, maybe i know it will never work because actually- i dont want it yet. I dont want to give a part of myself up yet.  I dont want all the lovely things that being in love brings, because oddly enough, i feel too special to throw what i am learning away. I feel that if i found someone now i would find myself thinking "but what about me..."  Do i feel that love would hold me back? from finding what i am desiring to feel worthy and fulfilled in my place in this world?

Maybe i am wrong, maybe the reason i havnt found love yet isnt because im not ready, but because i am using that as an excuse to hide behind. Love shouldnt stop you from growing and learning and being yourself.

Life is a big bunch of contradictions, because there is what we want, there is what we know, there is what we feel, there is what we need, and then there is what we really want. There are paths to get there, there are paths that seem like we are off path, when really we are just where we are meant to be, there are paths that we feel we are walking alone - just like footsteps a beautiful poem.

"I looked back behind me to see just one set of footsteps. I am alone. where were you in the hardest times? i needed you"

and the reply came back "the footsteps you see are mine, it was then in those hardest times that i carried you..."

Am i closed up? do i have a closed heart,and closed fists? am i everything opposite to what i want and tell myself to live by?

Have i been hiding behind 'finding myself' because i fear what love can do to my life?

Or am i on the right path, that i want to find whatever it is i am lacking before i do find that one?

Is this the moment that i am meant to surrender?

Okay.

Let it happen.

I SURRENDER!!! i am on the right path. I know this because i feel so close.

I feel safe.

I feel my angels.

I love her, and i know she loves me in her own way. I must disattatch, i have what i need, i have so much. I have so much to look forward to.

Even though i still feel so confused to whether i am where i am because of holding back, or whether i am where i am because i have unfinished business with myself...

I guess...its almost the same thing.

surrender.

I can feel myself fighting for an explanation. To know.

Surrender.

But i want to know... i want to know.

surrender.

okay. for the moment, this moment, the sheild comes down.

I smile.

I think it's time for a fucking ciggarette.

If only i smoked...

*big sigh* i am okay.