I'm going to write today.

I have missed writing. It has left me for what seems like forever... or maybe i left it. Either way i feel that i am unable to write like i used to. Which is really bad timing for starting my new blog!

I want to write about how i have been feeling latley. Maybe come to an epiphany, or at least a small realisation about my struggles. It is really only now, at this moment that i have decided to or maybe even have been able to bring this out of my head and 'onto paper'

Today is my new day. Today i will continue to create myself, continue to grow and learn. I feel like i have slowed down, or even stopped . My energy has drained. My enthusiasm has disapeared. I find myself reacting to things much more closed than to what i used to be. My usual easy going, go with the flow, open to everything has shut down.  I have to open it again. I hope that writing will help me do that.  It has been a good month where i have been feeling different. I havn't even  wanted to read my books that i borrowed/bought so excitedly. All of this, worries and frightens me. I have been caught up in a whirlwind of fear and not letting myself speak up.

I feel almost oblivious to what is around me, including the heat wave. Everybody exclaims of this stifling heat that we havent had since 1887! however i am in my own whirlwind numb to everything outside. Confined to my own home, staying inside where it is safe and comfortable.

I feel like i am hardly taking steps forward and the black dog is catching up steadily behind me. I am afraid of the black dog. I don't want to fall down and let it consume me. I want to keep fighting. I want to be strong again. 

 I find myself drinking a rediculous amount of tea to keep me calm. I am actually really really glad i discovered the herbal tea section in a lovely little organic shop next to my dance studio. I have found that since i have brought these calming remedies into my life i haven't suffered from an anxiety attack once. Where as before they would grip me in the middle of the night, or early hours of the morning sometimes. I still fear that they will return, and turn me into a shriveled up frightened girl i once used to be, afraid of ...well almost everything unfamiliar.

I feel that if i didn't have my tea i would be back to where i was.  Herbal tea has the ability to get in touch with your nervous system and balance it. I do feel i have achieved something though. I have gained control over my attacks with the help of my herbal fix, i have come to the  point many times where i have felt an attack could be near, but i have been able to steer it away. Consistantly. When i was sick, as soon as i felt the slightest tightness in my chest, or change in heart rhythmn the attack would grip me and last for almost an hour, leaving me feeling nauseous and timid.

I do feel i am getting a hold of  this and making it history. Hurrah!! I am doubtful to say that i have i won this battle because i fear it would come back and make me wrong... It has been a few months where i have been doing well. Maybe i have won... how long is it until you can say you've won? Maybe it is an ongoing thing that i will have to manage forever, and each day is a new fight and each day i can win. I hope it isn't something that i will have to manage forever...but it is very likely that could be the nature of my illness -thyroid, and on top of it there is anxiety in my family history. The odds arent good... but i am determined to keep it exactly there - history. The heart, and insightful mind, the courage and will that i have must  be enough to beat this?  It has been so far...(with the help of my tea)

So i  started this blog today because i feel i am only a couple of strides away from getting back to feeling more like me again. I can see what i want, where i want to be. It is an arms length away, and i can see others enjoying life, and making the most of it, but even though it is only am arms length away i feel like i am looking beyond a glass wall, and their voices and gestures are muffled and slightly hazy. If i don't find the strength, the direction and courage to disolve this wall, i fear the black dog will catch up to me.

At this point i suppose i should explain what i mean exactly by 'the black dog'. Basically everything that holds you back, everything that makes your life hard, doubts, fear, anger, frustration, everything that stops you from flowing and accepting and staying within the now, within the moment that you are living is my black dog.

I need to trust, i need have faith. The black dog won't get me if i open myself up, he will get me if i fear him. I do fear him... but i am remembering almost by each word that i type how to gain the courage i once had, how to beat him and speed on away from harms way.

I am not sure how i fell down again when i was doing so well. I am not sure of what lessons i am to learn from this, but i will trust it and go with it. Everything changes from bad to good, and good to bad and so on, nothing stays the same. If i trust the process of life, the process of living, the process of change, that bad comes with good and good comes with bad, i know that i will succeed this challenge.

As my friend M says. I feel good, i feel bad, i am whole.

Now it is time for me to stop writing and continue on with my day. I would rather stay here and ponder and write almost aimlessly but i must go on and remember that anything can happen, i have a lot to be greateful for and smile about. Gratitude creates happiness and i want to create exactly this. I know that happiness is not a destination to wait for or even try to find, yet it is something we create each day.

I apologise for such mess of words, but unfortunately that is how my head is at the moment.

Thankyou for reading

Out into the heat. Lets do this.