I want to ask you guys a question; how often are you shocked these days? I mean, we were shocked with broken necks and swan dives onto air conditioning units; we were shocked with sex tapes and sex scandals; we were shocked with a “dick in a box” and “big sausage pizza”; and we may even have been shocked with the sexual technique identified as “the shocker”. But when were you completely jolted from reality?

            I’m pretty sure life did that to me yesterday.

            I was moseying around, making my rounds at CNN.com, and something made me do a double take. I made an audible scoff and muttered aloud, “Jesus…” It was three four headlines – FOUR! I would have been less surprised had someone I know put his penis on a girl’s leg (which happened). Here’s the run down of those headlines.

            “Mummified body found in front of blaring TV”. Some 70-year-old guy died while watching TV…A YEAR AGO! He fucking sat there until last week! Everybody assumed he was in the hospital or a long-term care facility. The only reason they found the corpse (or according to the headline, the “mummy”) was because workers were investigating a burst water pipe. That sorry bastard could have rotted there even longer without being found! I just want to know why the hell his electricity was still on.

            “Newborn baby skeletons found in bag”. Ok, if that one doesn’t make you stop and audibly say, “Jesus…”, then you’re either that 70-year-old guy from above, or Sean Penn (Sean Penn eats babies). How demented is our country getting? Upon further reading, this whole ‘baby skeletons in a bag’ happened in India. I sighed with relief and said, “Well, that explains it.”

            “Britney Spears goes bald”. I was slapped with horror when I read this headline, but not the same horror as the previous articles. I was petrified because I couldn’t fucking believe that this was national, headline news. Who the fuck cares if she gets a haircut? She’s FUBAR in my book; there’s no helping her. The girl who had a CD cover that one of my friends masturbated to is gone, and now lives a hideous procreating monster that lives on cigarettes, goober boyfriends, and semen. The thing that gets me is that the hair stylist tried to talk her out of it. Again, who gives a shit? Cut the bitch’s hair and let her have the nervous breakdown somewhere else. I just don’t have sympathy because she’s brought all this, whatever “this” is, on herself. On a side note, I think it’s funny that one of the paparazzi people said this about her (lack of) hair; “It looks terrible.”

            “Hitler jokes on sugar packets sparks probe”. Ok, what is going on here? No, seriously. These sugar packets in Croatia have Holocaust jokes on them with images that resemble Adolf Hitler. I almost laughed at first, and then I was shocked. The packets are poking fun at a time of mass-murder and genocide. Six MILLION people were killed, and Croatia is making a mockery out of it. Jesus…

            I am fucking flabbergasted. Every night before the news comes on, my step-dad makes the rally cry of, “Let’s see how fucked up this world is!” I’m beginning to think he’s onto something. A guy can only take so much frivolous bullshit before he snaps. Some day soon I’ll need to be alleviated from all these “shockers”, and that doesn’t mean I need a finger in my butt hole.