DISCLAIMER: Dark Angel isn’t mine, but Alec keeps me up at night.

 

A/N: Thanks to all readers, reviewers (especially you guys!) for all of your continued support and patience with this story.  Enjoy!

 

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CHAPTER 5:

 

“I was sixteen when I first tasted ice cream.” He said abruptly.  He smiled at the memory, suddenly coming to the fore of his mind, vivid and colorful.  “It was strawberry, and I remember thinking that it was so good.  And that it was too bad it never lasted long.” 

 

His eidetic memory supplied a vision of himself, struggling to finish his rapidly melting ice cream and savor each taste along the way.  It was like trying to fight the passing of time.  It was going to melt either way, he had to either eat it or waste the stupid thing.  But he would be damned if he wasn’t gonna enjoy ever bit of the pink treat.  “In the end, I almost had to shove the entire cone down my mouth because 341 told me that the subject I had under surveillance was coming.”  He chuckled.  “What’s your favorite ice cream flavor, Maxie?  Makes me wonder…”

 

He lapsed into silence for a brief moment, shaking his head and smiling ruefully and in wonder at how he could laugh at a memory that involved Manticore and his missions.  But the thing was, it was in the past.  He had moved on.  Life, incredibly, had become a million times more complicated since Manticore had burned to the ground.

 

As a soldier, his world had been small.  It mostly consisted of himself.  Of keeping himself alive.  Sometimes, it involved a Unit.  At most, it involved the entire organization.  But compared with the rest of the world, it had been a drop of water in the ocean. 

 

Because as soon as he had been forcibly freed from Manticore—well, the whole world suddenly came into view.  And he found himself caring more about things that were not himself.  Not even tied directly to him.  Hell, he had cared about things that couldn’t even be traced back to him.  Life had changed. 

 

And he had fought in a war not just to save himself.  Not just for duty.  But because he had cared about the world.  Or at least, several aspects about the world.  People.  Places.  Things.  Max. 

 

They had won the war…and now all he wanted to do was look forward to a future where he could chuckle at the smallest rays of light that had speckled his dark childhood memories.  Like eating ice cream for the first time on an away mission. 

 

Correction: He wanted to look forward to the future…but he was still painfully blinded by the present.   

 

He gingerly reached over and took Max’s hand in his, and glanced briefly at her pale face.  He still couldn’t bear to look at her lifeless face for too long, but the steady beats of the heart monitor and the deep sound of her breathing calmed him.

 

 “Green.” He said conversationally, as this new thought popped into his head, though his throat had constricted slightly.  “Green is my favorite color.”

 

Alec threaded his fingers with Max’s and squeezed gently.  He wished that she would return the gentle pressure back, but her hand remained limp in his.  She had small hands, but they weren’t delicate.  Her nails were chipped and the knuckles of her forefinger and middle finger had the tendency to protrude—no doubt because she liked to punch everything in sight. 

 

The thought made Alec smile sadly as he continued with his rambling.  “I don’t know why I like green, maybe it’s because it’s the first thing that I really noticed about the world after Manticore burned down.” he admitted softly.  “I remember that there were just these bodies of people and kids and transhumans running into the woods.  I remember sort of just following the flow of people.  I spent that first night out of Manticore in a small motel right on the outskirts of the woods.  The first thing I saw when I woke up the next day, were the trees outside my window.  We didn’t have windows in our barracks at Manticore.  Not since you guys escaped.  And I thought it was strange for a second that I was seeing green outside of the window.”

 

“From that moment on, green became my favorite color.”

 

He glanced briefly over at Max, but she didn’t even stir.  He sighed heavily and continued talking.  He hadn’t really stopped this one-sided conversation since dawn.  It was almost noon now.  He had stared at her all night, Joshua’s words floating in his head: “Max will die, Alec, if you don’t remind her why she fought so hard in the war to begin with.”

 

Family, a life, some normalcy, acceptance, peace…these were why Max had fought so hard in the war.  Those were the only things that she’d ever craved for as long as he’d known her.  He had to remind her that if she came back to him…he would give her everything that she’d ever wanted.

 

But he didn’t know where to start.

 

So, he had just rambled on about his life, inadvertently telling Max more about himself than he had ever let her see before. 

 

“I had plans, y’kknow.  I was gonna go to California.” He continued.  “Before White caught me and planted that bomb in my head, I was gonna go to California and live there.  I had a mission in Silicon Valley there once, right after the Pulse,” he rambled on, this time, his hands were subconsciously massaging her thin arms.  “It was so busy.  There were so many things happening all at once and everyone was trying to figure out what went wrong…it was the perfect place to get lost and disappear.”

 

“And then, I ran into you.  And you saved my life.” He said simply.  “Max, you wanna know a secret?  I didn’t expect you to.  A part of me didn’t even want you to save me.” he whispered softly, leaning close to her ear.  “I wanted to die and just be done with life, y’know?  When I couldn’t kill you…I accepted it.  I accepted the idea that I was really gonna die…and for some reason, it felt…all right.”  He chuckled softly.  “I didn’t really have any reason to live.”

 

He laid his head close to hers on her pillow, his lips almost touching her ear.  “But you wouldn’t accept it, Maxie.  You didn’t let me die.  You did everything you could to save me.  I loved you in that moment.  Even before I knew it was love.  And suddenly, I had a reason.  I never stopped feeling that way about you…” he whispered against her ear.  “So, Max, I’m begging you to be the stubborn pain in the ass that you are, and wake up.  Because I’m not accepting the fact that you’re dying…I’m not!”

 

There was a sudden change in her breathing.  Alec’s head came up, his keen eyes observing the minute changes in her.  The rise and fall of her chest was no longer quite as even, the breaths were shallower and closer spaced.  Tiny prickles of hair stood on end on her arm, as her body woke into awareness. 

 

“That’s right, Maxie, open your eyes.  I promise I’ll be right here.” He urged, his heart beating rapidly by the sheer emotion that was filling him.  It was apprehension and excitement all at once. 

 

Her fingers twitched and he reached out to hold them.  She clutched his hand, even in her weakened state, her grip remained strong and firm.  It was a reassuring feeling, telling Alec that maybe…just maybe…she really was still holding on. 

 

Her throat convulsed as she attempted to swallow, her lips opened and closed, as if tasting life again.  Alec looked around and took an ice cube out of the bucket that he had endlessly refilled.  He carefully slid that cool ice across her lips. 

 

Her eyes fluttered open, unerringly locking with his the instant they focused.  There was an angry, determined fire in her eyes. 

 

Alec didn’t understand where that anger was coming from.  But he was relieved that she had at least woken up.  “Maxie?”

 

But her words shattered him.

 

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“I was sixteen when I first tasted ice cream.” A deep warm voice, filled with the happiness of golden memories broke through the cold and darkness that Max was floating numbly in.  It brought back sensation and she wanted to whimper and cry out against it.  Because, suddenly, she was beginning to feel the little throbbing aches all throughout her body. 

 

“It was strawberry, and I remember thinking that it was so good.  And that it was too bad it never lasted long.” There it was again.  That voice, insistently pulling at a deeper part of her, opening places she had long since shut closed. 

 

“In the end, I almost had to shove the entire cone down my mouth because 341 told me that the subject I had under surveillance was coming. What’s your favorite ice cream flavor, Maxie?  Makes me wonder…”  He chuckled after those words, and it was like that little laughter reverberated inside of her, reminding her of the hollow shell she had turned herself into.  His laughter was deep and rich, warm and hopeful. 

 

Suddenly, out of the darkness, came a kaleidoscope of colors and images.  Like watching slideshows of someone’s vacation: bright and colorful, but unfamiliar because you didn’t know half the people on it. 

 

Ice cream.

 

“Max…try some of this!  It’s my favorite.  Dad only lets us have some every now and then.” An excited little girl shoved a papery cone-like material, a pink dollop of something sticky and creamy balanced on top of it. 

 

“What is it?” Max’s curious question.

 

“It’s called ice cream, you silly!”

 

Gingerly accepting the gift, a young Max watched how Lucy, her foster sister, started to lick the ice cream dreamily.  Max carefully flicked her tongue on the treat, the same way Lucy was.  A smile of dawning awe crept onto the short-haired young Max.  It was cold and sweet, swirling with flavor and melting in the heat of her mouth.  “Strawberries…”

 

And just like that, the simple memory filled her with a sense of goodwill, like only ice cream on a hot summer day can.

 

“Green.” The warm voice broke through the vision, and the taste of ice cream on a sun-gold afternoon blurred away.  She felt a gentle pressure on her hand, one that she wanted to return, but found that she had no strength to do so.  It was like willing a deadened part of her to move.  It was like her arm wasn’t even there!

 

She fought against the panic that suddenly rushed through her.  Her mind was alive, but her body was still unresponsive.  And just as suddenly, she no longer wanted to wake up.  It was too hard…  She was searching for the numbing darkness and oblivion when his voice broke through again.  “Green is my favorite color.”

 

And it evoked another memory.  This one so poignant that Max could only let herself be dragged into it, like riding a riptide and watching the shore get further and further away. 

 

Beautiful green gold eyes shining in youthful wonder, staring at a tiny picture.  “What’d he give you?”

 

“You can see her heart.”

 

“She’s beautiful.”

 

“The Blue Lady—who is she?” asked a young Max, her hair nothing more than fuzz, big brown eyes staring into those golden green ones who had all the answers.

 

“She’s watching over us.” He said, his voice full of conviction.

 

And at night, he had held a Max that had been convulsing, holding the picture of the Blue Lady next to her heart.  “Think of the Blue Lady, Maxie…think of everything that’s beautiful and blue and peaceful.”

 

Max did, and she stopped convulsing.  Then Ben, with his soft voice had whispered into her ear, “From now on, Maxie, blue is my favorite color.”

 

“From that moment on, green became my favorite color.”  The youthful voice blended almost seamlessly with the deep baritone of the man’s.  She felt the memory ebb away as she came closer to the surface of consciousness. 

 

Max felt stinging little pains in her arm as he massaged them.  They were pains that told her that her muscles were coming back to life; that she was slowly waking up.  But, God, it hurt!  Her body felt like it was burning with a phantom-like pain.  She knew that all her wounds were healed, all broken bones had reset themselves, and blood no longer spilled out of her.  But it was as if, her body was reminding her…

 

She fought.  She fought against consciousness, searching for the oblivion of darkness.  She didn’t want to hurt like that anymore.  She heard clips of the man’s voice, but she fought against that.  Against him.

 

“I had plans, y’know.  I was gonna go to California… it was the perfect place to get lost and disappear.”

 

She wanted to get lost.  She wanted to disappear—to no longer exist in the half-world of life and death.  Max could feel herself drowning again.  There was something almost comforting in the shadows of nothingness.  Blocking out all the pain.  All the horror.  All the regrets.  All the bad things that life brought along.

 

“And then, I ran into you.  And you saved my life.”

 

And suddenly, just like that, Max stopped sinking into the darkness.  She was held still by a memory of flashing green eyes, burning with fire and purpose.  The way the beautiful face above her twisted in indecision, before falling blank.  A knife plunging into the soft grass, only a few inches from her face.  No…he had saved her that night.

 

“Max, you wanna know a secret?”  His voice was very close, causing the air around her ear to vibrate.

 

She wanted to tell him her secret: she owed her life to him that night.  He had been asked for a proof of purchase, her barcode, and he had chosen to turn in his instead.  She had never forgiven him for that.  It was her secret.

 

“I didn’t expect you to.  A part of me didn’t even want you to save me.  I wanted to die and just be done with life, y’know?  When I couldn’t kill you…I accepted it.  I accepted the idea that I was really gonna die…and for some reason, it felt…all right.” 

 

She understood all too well.  She had accepted death a long time ago.  When she had held Ben’s lifeless body in her arms and cried for him, she had also cried for her own mortality.  That one day soon, she was going to die, too.  Sooner or later, they were all going to die. 

 

And now, she was just done with life. 

 

“I didn’t really have any reason to live.”   

 

A reason to live?  Something…someone…worth all the pain of going through life for?  Had she ever had a reason to live?  Had she ever had a reason beyond the duty and responsibility that she had tied herself to with the transgenic cause?  A reason beyond the simple act of caring about strangers and humanity?  A real reason to wake up in the morning and look forward to life?

 

She felt his cool lips touching her ear, caressing it with each word he spoke.  “But you wouldn’t accept it, Maxie.  You didn’t let me die.  You did everything you could to save me.” 

 

Was that really how he remembered things?  She could still see that lab technician’s little room.  She saw the bleakness on his handsome face.  The truth was: How could she let him die without reliving the death of Ben?  How could she?   She couldn’t.  So she had chosen to save his life.  Because she didn’t want to see Ben’s face die all over again.  She had done it because of Ben.  For Ben.  For herself.

 

“I loved you in that moment.  Even before I knew it was love.  And suddenly, I had a reason.  I never stopped feeling that way about you…”

 

She wanted to scream.  NO!  She wanted to hit him.  I didn’t do it for you!  Suddenly, she found herself struggling against the darkness, following the deep tenor of his voice.  Her heart was beating rapidly again, and God, it throbbed with the pain of guilt and regret.  He loved her for all the wrong reasons… 

 

“So, Max, I’m begging you to be the stubborn pain in the ass that you are, and wake up.  Because I’m not accepting the fact that you’re dying…I’m not!”

 

Max struggled to move.  The pain coursing through her body was excruciating.  It was like waking from a beautiful blissful dream to finding out she was lying on hot coals over broken glass.  Her body thrummed with pain and exhaustion and it took all of her will power just to move her fingers.

 

Immediately she felt his large, warm hands holding her own cold ones.  She shouldn’t, but she clutched his hand, using it as a lifeline.  “That’s right, Maxie, open your eyes.  I promise I’ll be right here.”  She was relieved to hear him say that.  She took comfort in knowing that at the end of the dark tunnel, there would be a familiar face. 

 

But suddenly she felt a deep-seated anger bloom inside of her.  She was angry with her weakness.  Angry about how much she needed Alec at the moment.  Angry because she had no right to need him this much.

 

She felt the coolness of water slip between her lips.  Refreshing.  Resuscitating. The water slipped in between her lips, easing the tightness in her throat.  Giving her enough strength to say what needed to be said.

 

Her eyes opened slowly, blinded by the sudden entry of light after being in darkness for so long.  But, like a moth to a flame, they were immediately focused on bright golden-green eyes. 

 

He was so beautiful.  Like a figment of her imaginations come to life.  But he wasn’t hers.  Not really.  And that’s why anger was burning so brightly inside of her.  Because it was all so wrong.

 

He was looking down at her hopefully, “Maxie?”

 

And she knew that she could only destroy that hope.  “Don’t…love…me, Alec.” she whispered painfully.  “You…can’t.”

 

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A/N: I was gonna end it at this chapter.  She woke up and they lived happily ever after.  Yeah, that never works for me.  As I was typing this (and by God, this chapter took like two and a half hours!!!), it just took a life of its own and went on its own tangent.  Might be a few more days before I can sort through this unexpected plot twist.  But I hope you all enjoyed this chapter.