Cop Jokes

TOP TEN SIGNS YOUR PARTNER NEEDS A VACATION:
1) He keeps handcuffing himself by accident.
2) He is starting to develop a crush on one of the transvestite hookers he arrested.
3) He wants to transfer to a K-9 unit because he thinks he'd look good in a collar.
4) He talks to himself. Half of him is the "good cop", and the other half is the "bad cop".
5) He wants you to call him "Judge Dredd", and he insists that all suspects should be executed right there on the spot.
6) He keeps asking you if his bullet proof vest makes him look fat.
7) He is exchanging donut recipes with complete strangers.
8) The perpetrators beg him to stop talking about his hemorrhoids.
9) Every Tuesday he insists it's his turn to be the siren.
10) He wants to hear less talk and more music on the police channel.

TOP TEN SIGNS THE POLICE CHIEF DOESN'T LIKE YOU:
1) He refers to you as "our mascot".
2) Instead of a gun, you were issued a water pistol.
3) Your locker is also the broom closet.
4) The job description in your contract includes "crash test dummy" and "pepper-spray test subject."
5) He sends you on drug raids - alone.
6) He always tells you that only wussies call for back-up.
7) He makes up "missing persons" and then sends you to look for them.
8) You always get the patrol car with the flat tire, no gas, a dead battery, and a broken air conditioner.
9) He lied to you about an "officer exchange program" and put you on a plane to Siberia.
10) He doesn't like to be seen with you in public.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE DEALING WITH A DUMB CRIMINAL:
1) He took public transportation to and from his bank robbery.
2) He is using his seeing eye dog as a look-out.
3) Instead of a cherry pie, she shoplifted yeast, flour, eggs, and a jar of cherries.
4) You caught him driving a stolen car with "the club" still on.
5) He tries to convince you that he thought crack was a breakfast cereal.
6) He responds to your use of verbal force with a bunch of "Yo'momma" oneliners.
7) He makes himself laugh every time he says he's innocent.
8) He claims diplomatic immunity because he's a citizen of the Republic of Texas.
9) he asks the judge for a senior citizen discount on his 7-year sentence.
10) He left footprints and a bloody glove at the crime scene.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'VE BEEN EXPOSED TO HAZARDOUS MATERIAL:
1) Two 18-wheelers collided. You arrive at the scene of the accident just in time to see the two drivers' bodies melt.
2) Your body hair is getting so coarse, it's starting to poke through your uniform.
3) You can predict the weather by the length of your bowel movements.
4) Instead of chocolate sprinkles, you ask for wood chips on your donuts.
5) You order raw meat at your favorite restaurant.
6) Your apartment is suddenly roach-free.
7) At night there's this eerie green glow - and it's you!
8) You start to generate electricity and sparks fly from your mouth when you drink water.
9) The tomatoes growing in your backyard are the size of pumpkins.
10) They transfer you to Area 51.

TOP TEN SIGNS YOU'RE OVERWORKED AND UNDERSTAFFED:
1) You haven't been home in three days.
2) You don't have time to take a shower, so you walk through a car wash on your beat.
3) Your social life consists of hanging out and chatting with the suspects in the holding cells.
4) Your love life consists of driving past your house flashing your spouse.
5) Your spouse does something to get arrested just to spend some time with you.
6) The stress is so bad that instead a breakfast cereal you have a bowl of Tums; and instead of milk, you pour Pepto Bismol on it.
7) For Thanksgiving you and your partner feed each other two turkey T.V. dinners, while one of you drives and the other one answers calls on the radio.
8) You try to request immediate back-up, but the dispatcher puts you on hold.
9) Misdemeanors are no longer a crime because there are not enough officers to respond.
10) The suspect in the holding cell lost 20 pounds because no one remembered to feed him.

TOP TEN THINGS CORRECTIONS OFFICERS HATE:
1) Inmates who look like the sperm used during their conception was tainted with steroids.
2) Inmates who don't flush after eating chili for lunch.
3) Coming up with one too many at head count.
4) When you recognize the newest inmate as your proctologist.
5) Being on a first-name basis with a serial killer on death row.
6) Finding a hole in your glove after completing a body cavity search.
7) Having to break up a shower fight.
8) being asked to be the bridesmaid when two inmates tie the knot.
9) The fact that prisoners get more cable channels than you get at home.
10) Having a new neighbor move in next door who looks waaay to familiar.