1.

Three dogs

Three guys were walking their dogs when the first guy, an accountant, says that his dog can do an amazing trick. Intrigued, the other two guys asked what his dog can do. "Debit," he yells to his dog, "Go show them what you can do, girl!"

The dog races out into the field, scurring back and forth, then comes back and taps his paw 589 times. "Gentleman," the accountant says proudly, "There are 589 sticks in that field."

The second man, an engineer, is pretty impressed, but then he says his dog can do something even more impressive. "Slide Rule," he says to his dog, "Go show them what you can do, girl!" The dog races out into the field, picks up all the sticks and builds a bridge over a stream.

"Wow," says the third man, a marketing rep, "That was pretty cool. I guess I better show you what my dog can do. Expense Account," he says to his dog, "Go show them what you can do, boy!"

The dog streaks to the bridge, pisses on it, f@%ks the other two dogs in the ass, then spends the rest of the day playing golf.
2.THE WORLD'S BEST PICKUP LINES

I want to melt in your mouth, not in your hands.

Can I borrow a quarter? ["What for?"] I want to call your mother and thank her.

You're so hot you melt the plastic in my underwear.

Would you be my love buffet, so I can lay you out on the table and take what I want?

Let's go to my place and do the things I'll tell everyone we did anyway.

The word of the day is "legs." Let's go back to my place and spread the word.

That outfit would look great in a crumpled heap on my bedroom floor tomorrow morning.

My name's [your name]. So you know what to scream.

My name's [your name], but you can call me Zeus.

Nice shoes. Wanna ____?

Can I flirt with you?

All those curves, and me with no brakes.

If I told you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?

____ me if I'm wrong, but don't you want to kiss me?

I like every muscle in your body, especially mine.

[Grab his/her tush.] Pardon me, is this seat taken?

Is it hot in here or is it just you?

How about you sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

Do you know what'd look good on you? Me.

So... How am I doin'?

I lost my phone number. Can I have yours?

Excuse me, is that semen in your hair?

My face is leaving in fifteen minutes. Be on it.

Nice ass. May I wear it as a hat?

3.One Wish

A guy walks into a bar, and to his amazment, there is a man sitting at a table with a friend who is ten inches tall, and playing a toy piano. So the guy askes the man where he found such an unusual friend. "Well, I have this magic lamp, and when you rub it, a genie pops out" the man replies. "He will grant you one wish, and one wish only. Have a go". So this guy rubs the lamp, and out pops the genie. "I wish for Five Hundred pounds", the guy says. As soon as he says this, Five hundred hounds come running into the bar, wagging their tails. "Oh, I forgot to tell you, the genie is a little hard of hearing" the man says. "You dont think I asked for a 10 inch pianist, do you?"

3 Jokes of the week