ONE LINERS

A day without sunshine is like, well, night.

On the other hand, you have different fingers.

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

Back up my hard drive? How do I put it in reverse?

I just got lost in thought. It was unfamiliar territory.

Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it.

She's always late. Her ancestors arrived on the June Flower.

Honk if you love peace and quiet.

Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular?

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

He who laughs last, thinks slowest.

If it's zero degrees outside today, and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead?

Why are they called "buildings," when they're already finished?

Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together?

Why does sour cream have an expiration date?

Who is General Failure, and why is he reading my disk?

Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have?

Does the reverse side also have a reverse side?

Why is the alphabet in that order?

If the universe is everything, and scientists say that they universe is expanding, what is it expanding into?

If a tree falls in the forest, and no one is around to see it, do the other trees make fun of it?

Why is a carrot more orange than an orange?

When two airplanes almost collide, why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me?

Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"?

Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors?

Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new?

Why is it that when a door is open, it's ajar-but when a jar is open, it's not adoor?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious?

Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?

Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?

Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate?

If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working?

Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse?

Isn't the best way to save face, to keep the lower part shut?

War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left.

Everyone has a photographic memory, some just don't have film.

What happens if you get scared half to death twice?

Energizer Bunny arrested, charged with battery.

I pour Spot remover on my dog , now he's gone.

I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.

I couldn't' repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

How do you tell when you run out of invisible ink/

Laughing stock: cattle with a sense of humor.

For sale: parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.

All those who believe in psychokinesis rise my hand.

Ultimately, the rat race will be won by a mouse,

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

If the cops arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, can we shoot them?

OK, so what's the speed of dark?'

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why do kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half lives?

If the funeral procession is at night, do the people drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a Smurf, what color does it turn?

If you shoot a mime should you use a silencer?

If a mime swears, do you wash his hands with soap?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

Is there another word for synonym?

Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do, practice?

When you open a bag of cotton balls is the top one meant to be thrown away?

Why isn't there mouse flavored cat food?

Why do they report power outages on TV?

Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them?

Should vegetarians eat animal crackers?

If a pig lose its voice, is it disgruntled?

Why do women wear evening gowns to nightclubs? Shouldn't they be wearing nightgowns?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents worth in, what happens to the other penny?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with.

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

Why is a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible?

Why isn't 11 pronounced onety-one?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted; musicians denoted; cowboys deranged; models deposed; treesurgeons debarked; and, dry cleaners depressed?

Do Roman paramedics refer to IV's as "4's"?

Why is it that if someone tells you that there are 1 billion stars in the universe you believe them, but if they tell you a wall has wet paint you have to touch it to be sure?

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?"

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Does the Little Mermaid wear algebra?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

How do I set my laser printer on stun?

How is it possible to have a civil war?

If the entire world is a state, where is the audience sitting?

If one synchronized swimmer drowns, do the rest have to drown too?

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it?

If you're born again, do you have two belly buttons?

If you ate pasta and antipasto, would you still be hunger?

If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?

Is a castrated pig disgruntled?

Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"?

What happens when none of your bees wax?

Where are we going? And what's with this hand basket?

If most car accidents occur within five miles of home, why doesn't everyone just move 10 miles away?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station…

If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?

I believe five out of four people have trouble with fractions.

Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?

What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older, then it dawned me..they were cramming for their finals.

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks so I wonder what Chinese mothers use..perhaps toothpicks?

Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.

VENI, VEDI, VISA: I came, I saw, I did a little shopping.

If it's true that we are here to help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for?

STRESSED spelled backwards is DESSERTS.

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

Clones are people two.

Go ahead and take risks…just be sure that everything will turn out OK.

No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.

As I said before, I never repeat myself!

If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.

Ever wonder what the speed of lightning would be if it didn't zigzag?

Nostalgia isn't what it used to be.

Think "honk" if you're telepathic.

How do crazy people go through the forest? They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall? "Dam!"

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.

What do prisoners use to call each other? Cell phones.

What do the letters DNA stand for? National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work? A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours? Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers? Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bullfighters in quicksand? Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow? Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire? Frostbite.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches? A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup? Anyone can roast beef.

Why do bagpipers walk when they play? They're trying to get away from the noise.

Why do gorillas have big nostrils? Because they have big fingers.

What's the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? The taste.

What is a zebra? 26 sizes larger than an "A" bra.

Did you hear about the flasher that was thinking about retiring? He decided to stick it out for one more year.

What do you get when you cross a pit bull with a Chihuahua? A dog that runs for help…after it bites your leg off.

What does it mean when the flag is at half-mast at the post office? They're hiring.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic? Sanka.